bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Ok...so I broke my own rule. I just gave a friend advise 3 weeks ago....never come between a lady and her kids. Well I guess its easier said than done...Here's what I did....GF of 3 1/2 years and is a long distance relationship that she normally spends a lot of time with me. Anyways her youngest daughter that is 20 has a new born that has medical problems. The GF has spent most of the last 6 months with the daughter because of the pregnancy...long story short I has wanting her to be with me every chance she got...I know she felt pressure from me....I made myself feel jealous and made myself believe all kinds of thoughts...thoughts that now I realize were just that...thoughts. Long story short...we were talking by phone and she tells me I love you...buts I know its not being fair to you...maybe its best you find someone else.....I know she does love me but....kids are always going to come first....so my question to you is....whats your advise?? Yes I absolutely love her and want her. Whats the steps I need to do? This all happens 1 week ago. I sent her a card she should have received today, the card was basically saying what she means to me...other than that have not had any contact with her. I have talked with her sister some....give me all your thoughts..Thanks Link to comment
louisecar Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 When you date someone who has children you have to accept that, at least in the early stages and maybe forever, you come second. You have to be okay with them cancelling dates at the last minute because their child is sick or something and you cannot pressure them to see you every chance they get. If you can't deal with being second then do not go out with someone who has a child because really a good parent will put their children's needs first. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Does the daughter live out of state? Instead of being jealous, you could have supported her. In otherwords, plan a time where you got a hotel room and came out for a visit - and take your girlfriend out on a date during the day or evening. Surely, there are times during the day or night when the father of the child is also there or whatever so grandma is not needed to sit there. Even take her with you overnight to return in the morning or make it a day date to something relaxing. If she can't "be there every chance she gets" - then you pull some of the weight like that. Also, have you talked of marriage? Or have you considered relocating to where she is with the daughter so you can move forward with the relationship or you can see her on a regular basis? sometimes people move because the parents of one of the couple need care or are getting older and this is the reverse. If you have had conversations with her to make her feel guilty and she tells you to meet someone else, maybe you should consider whether you are willing to carry some of the weight for a little while until her daughter has the hang of caring for a special needs child and establishes more of a support system where your girlfriend doesn't have to provide care, or you have to decide if you really want a girlfriend with no such obligations. Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Thanks for the advice so far. The daughter and the GF live in the same town. I live in a different state and work in the oilfields..so am all over the world. I have never cheated on her. Yes I have went to her hometown and have taken her out to special nights at motels, etc..spent New Years eve with the daughter and her Bf(fother of the child, but he is back in prison now) because the rest of family did not want him around. ...I have always spoiled her with gifts, having her hair done, getting her nails done...and she loves looking great for me when I would get off work at nights when she travels with me...just that I felt neglected because she was with her kids the last few months when I felt she could have been with me...again the jealousy stuff. And yes I made the mistake of making her feel guilty. Some of the comments pertained to her and being with her ex....even after she told me many times it wasn't that she wanted the ex back but she and he were there for the daughter....I know that was my fatal mistake in all this and that's the reason she did what she felt she had to... Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 The ex will always be her daughter's father and the grandfather of the baby. You can't avoid that. And he WILL be there for his child and grandchild. It is good that they have a civil relationship where they can put their differences aside and help the daughter. Now, the matter with you is - is she allowing the daughter to take advantage of her or is she really giving help that is appropriate and needed (helping the daughter to take steps so that the child gets into programs the child needs and that the daughter is able to work, etc, once the baby is old enough). You can't really expect her to spend all this time with you if you are on an oil rig. You will either have to change jobs so that you are more available or you will have to accept that you have to do a lot of preplanning to see eachother. I will say a long distance won't last forever unless you make her town your home base in between traveling around the world or unless the daughter becomes self sufficient and she can follow you. All things to consider in depending on how much you want the relationship. Link to comment
christwowheels Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Yeah, you can't come between a woman and her kids. I would actually broaden that to say you can't come between her and her family either. This is a tough situation because really the best way to have a more solid relationship would be to live in the same town where her and her child and grandchild live and then you can he happy together. But I realize that there's a lot of money to be made in the oil fields and especially if you're a blue collar worker, there isn't any way you can make that kind of money in a more normal city or town. That being said, at some point you have to decide whether the money is important enough to sacrifice this relationship. I mean, is this relationship worth moving and taking a noticeable pay cut to live in her city and be with her? Only you can make that determination, but that's something I would think long and hard about if I were you. For now though, apologizing and letting her know how much you care about her and how much you love and trust her is a good start. But the child and grandchild aren't going anywhere, so eventually the long distance part of this relationship is going to come to a head. So I would go onto the craigslist page for the city where they live and see what jobs are available just for research purposes and see whether you might be able to make a go of it or not. Just think about it and get the information you need to make a rational decision. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 But I realize that there's a lot of money to be made in the oil fields and especially if you're a blue collar worker, there isn't any way you can make that kind of money in a more normal city or town. Or start to sock money away so that you can afford to live anywhere. Actually, there are VERY lucrative jobs for blue collar workers - in demand anywhere - machine operators are in high demand and are well paid where I live - ditto someone who gets their license for being an electrician or a plumber, etc. The people who are having trouble are the people with marketing and liberal arts degrees. Skilled trades are in demand everywhere. Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Abitbroken, Yes I know that he will always be there...but like a lot of guys we forget that..or hope he just goes away...again I know he won't. It's hard to accept because once the jealousy is there we forget normal thinking. As for the making her home base mine...yes I have thought about it a lot...even have thought of getting off the road to be there with them...but, I feel if I were to just it out of the blue...would it scare her off making her feel that I am trying to control her?? Have not tried to call her in a week as I feel she won't answer the call...do I give her space?? Do I show up unexpected knocking on her door?? Do I just relax and let her be for a while?? I have lots of questions so that I don't make any more mistakes...I wanted to fly up there next weekend and take her to a motel with a hot tube suite...dinner....massage and spoil her...but will this only make her mad???? Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 For now though, apologizing and letting her know how much you care about her and how much you love and trust her is a good start. So whats everyones suggestion on doing this??? What if she won't answer the phone?? Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 As for the making her home base mine...yes I have thought about it a lot...even have thought of getting off the road to be there with them...but, I feel if I were to just it out of the blue...would it scare her off making her feel that I am trying to control her?? Why would you go from talking all the time to not calling her in a week? Unless you decided that her "if i can't make you happy, see other people" was a breakup. After 3.5 years together its time for someone to think about commitment - or end it. I assume you guys are at least in your mid 40s if she has a daughter that has a child. I would not just move out of the blue. I would research the idea and come up with a possible plan then I would tell her that you have done some thinking. Being far away is hard and you tell her you are willing to make the move to live closer to her. And you need to make a more concrete move towards being with her and seeing if your relationship can last being closer together. I think after 3.5 years if you have been jealous and not very nice, its time for a bold move. Don't "want to fly up there" - do it. Not to lay it on thick by spoiling her, but making a genuine gesture to talk to her. Right now, it seems that she is detaching a bit because you have been very jealous. The only way to reverse this is to change and make a move. But that's just me. Link to comment
christwowheels Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 Try calling her, and if she answers, apologize and tell her you want to find a way to work things out and that if she is willing, you want to spend the weekend with her and talk things over and figure out how you can make this work better. By the time the weekend rolls around, get that research I we have been talking about done and have the possible plan and over the weekend, tell her that you've been thinking. Broach the idea of moving to her area. See how she responds. If the response is favorable, definitely try to get into her area by the fall. If she is willing to stay with you, you will also have to figure out how to deal with the jealousy issues. It sounds like you don't have any evidence whatsoever of infidelity. Given that, any jealousy is really a lack of trust in the woman you love, and that lack of trust can be corrosive on a relationship. Look at the quote in my signature line, man. You've got to trust her, be willing to get vulnerable with her, or it won't work. Because if you can't trust her, she won't be able to trust you and then it is over. But if you can truly trust each other and be secure in that, your relationship will really go to the next level and will be *amazing.* So really you're trusting her not for her, but for you as well, and really for both of you. Remember that if you want things to work, you're going to really have to change your mindset from what's best for you to what's best for *us* (meaning you and her and your fledgling life partnership). If you not only start talking in terms of *us* but start believing in terms of *us* and changing your mindset to that, then you will be on the road to saving you relationship and will be on your way to an amazing future. Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Ok..so if she won't answer...no I have not tried just saying if she won't answer...should I fly up there to talk?? I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her talk..I believe once we can talk we can devise a plan togather.....and then its upto me to make sure it happens in a timely manner...any more advise will be greatly appreciated... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 14, 2014 Share Posted May 14, 2014 I personally think if she doesn't respond to your call that is a message to you. In that case leave a message but leave her be. Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 Ms Darcy, SO question for you...so if you tell your guy you love him then less than a couple minutes later you say this is not fair to you so maybe its best we stop seeing each other....I don't believe the love just turned off...I believe she is hurting as well as I am. My guess and maybe I am wrong showing up there and reassuring her that I put a tremendous amount of pressure on her she did not need because she was already under way to much. I believe she struck out from being angry. I guess correct me if I am wrong. That a visit will show her that I made a huge mistake, That yes I am so very sorry for being jealous. That I can be a man and go to her to apologize. And that I know I need to make changes for us. Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 14, 2014 Author Share Posted May 14, 2014 I guess what I am trying to say to Ms Darcy is there are just to many couples that have an issue that just walk away from each other without even trying. Look at the divorce rates these days. I feel if you just walked away there was not much of a relationship to begin with. I feel that if a guy shows a lady that he's man enough to apologize and be able to look them in the eye and say I am sorry please forgive me. To me this shows the lady that they value them more than just a one night stand. Link to comment
christwowheels Posted May 15, 2014 Share Posted May 15, 2014 Have you actually called her yet? Because honestly man, you've really got to stop running the hypotheticals and call and apologize try to move forward with what we talked about here. If you actually call and she isn't answering, then we can talk about it, but I really am not in the mood to discuss hypotheticals. I'm much more interested in hearing about how you got up and took action and called her up. I should add that yeah, she is of course hurting. She loves you, you know? So I do think you trying to make this work would be welcome news to her. Now get out and tell her that news! Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 15, 2014 Author Share Posted May 15, 2014 christwowheels, No I have not tried calling her. Yes your right just hypotheticals. I will start trying to calling her. I thank you for all your help. Will let you know. Thanks Link to comment
bhbull Posted May 17, 2014 Author Share Posted May 17, 2014 Ok so here's the latest. I called the GF sister this morning to find out how the GF grandbaby was doing. GF sister asked if I had talked to the GF and I said no...she encouraged me to call...I told her not right now. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 I am with Chris ... hypothetical questions are pointless. Call her and go from there. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted May 20, 2014 Share Posted May 20, 2014 Ok so here's the latest. I called the GF sister this morning to find out how the GF grandbaby was doing. GF sister asked if I had talked to the GF and I said no...she encouraged me to call...I told her not right now. Really??? You called the GF's SISTER and not the GF?? Are you that terrified? I say stop going through other people. Link to comment
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