back together, feel depressed

[pfbsurf]

hi - ok, i've posted a few times over the last couple weeks. 10 month relationship, 2 short breaks recently - she basically initiated both reconciliations

 

i love being with her. Unfortunately i'm too attached. When i'm not with her or havent heard from her i feel terrible. I was a mess after the breaks, but was resigned to a break up so at least i could see some future. She was a mess too - i don't know if we spent enough time apart (9 days) We got together the other night and it was great. Like a first date - great makeup sex and conversation and connection as if nothing had changed.

 

 

I am severely depressed for other reasons, not just her. Nothing terrible, i'm a high functioning, employed, divorced dad of three great boys, with lots of friends and hobbies. When i met steph i was single, and dealing with drinking too much and occasional depression. Now, 10 months later, i have all my thoughts and emotions pinned to her. I feel lonely and hopeless lately - there is a lot of change in my life (less time with kids, moving, stressful job stuff) and i just am not happy day to day. unless i'm with her - in the moment.

 

 

There have been some really nice times, she is a bit tough to communicate with and may not be the most attentive girl, but does love me and loves being with me. I do worry that i have made it too easy for her, now she knows that i'll come around whenever she asks. but for me to change this, and i think i can, i need to back off and even say no But that feels like playing games and it also worries me because of my moods. (ok, severe, untreated depression. dr appt in a couple of weeks).

 

i'm journaling a bit here, my main question i guess is how normal it is to feel so attached?. i so want to just live my life, and see her when its convenient for both of us. I don't want her to be the only thing in my life that makes me smile...

 

I guess i don't really have a specific question but hope to get some general guidance, something to take the edge off. I can't stop thinking about her.

[ThatwasThen]

When you keep having breaks or actual break ups with someone its natures way of telling you that you're with the wrong person but because of your codependency issues topped off by depression you're not listening to your better judgement and you're relying on your fear of being alone to dictate. You're not looking after yourself either emotionally or psychologically or physically.

 

My suggestion: Stop seeing/talking/emailing/phoning/texting/sending notes by carrier pigeon to this this girl, get yourself back to being a happy functioning adult who is fine being on his own. You're in no shape to be anyone's good partner at the moment I'd think. Get better and then maybe you'll be able to tell that you're with the wrong person and just there from fear of being alone. Or: You may even find you're with the right person but you'll be a different more happy individual then and maybe you can contact her then and see if you can make a decent go of it.

 

Right now, you are more important. You need to work on you without any distractions so that you can be a good father to your children. Your good health and your good parenting should be your main priority right now.

[safenow]

You say, 'she is a bit tough to communicate with and may not be the most attentive girl'. Can you elaborate on that, as it stuck out to me quite a bit?

[Realitynut]

I was the exact same way....about my ex that dumped me 3 years ago. I get extremely attached and ALL my thoughts were of him. (while i painted, did yard work. whatever...i thought of him...and what i was doing FOR him) I thought this was normal...after all...i was in love. It was like infatuation for 3 years.

 

But then i found out it wasn't. Unless you are still in the infatuation period. Then yes. Infatuation period CAN last up to 2 years....the butterfly stage. But it isn't mean to last forever. You need to treat your depression of course, and while you are talking to a therapist, bring up the fact that you are making this woman the main focus of your life!

 

I understand, cuz i do the same thing. I wish i could find a guy who felt the same way about me! HA~ TWO CLINGERS!

[pfbsurf]

thanks guys.

 

yeah - posting here while i should be getting ready for a huge meeting... not good

 

@thatwasthen - my head says your right, but my heart is planning a trip to Napa Valley with her right now.. my devil's advocate response (while i know that you are still probably "right") is that we are all flawed, and that if i waited to be completely "normal" i will always be alone There are enough positives here - (i'm not "always" depressed to be honest, i do spend time with my kids, etc) - that i think it is worth a bit more effort.

 

@safenow - she is a self admitted commitmentphobe, i generally am more verbal and open about feelings - she likes letting me talk - consequently, i have to read her mind. Its a joke between us. Also, she is extremely social, has her own social life and does spend quite a bit of time around guys. She is very pretty and gets hit on all the time. i have trust issues from my marriage (ex cheated) and slight trust issues with her - some white lies, and a guy that "tried to kiss her" recently that may have been a bit more - no sex but some kissy face) Anyway, this was the impetus for our last break and now i've sort of swept it under the rug In general, i'm a bit more into her than she is into me - and i'm trying to manage that

 

@realitynut - i guess i'm just worrie that this sort of obsession says alot about my self esteem. That I NEED her to be happy. wasnt like that in the beginning. but now.

 

i don't want to be so needy. i'm trying hard to live my life, i don't text or call unless she reaches out. i'm not writing love letters or even saying i love you. but i'm always available, generally compliant, and a bit of a pleaser.

 

I just wish there was a middle ground between breaking up and keeping things the way they are. Be distant? Don't return a call or text? Be honest with her? Express my undying love and ask her to marry me?

[Realitynut]

I'd probably be expressing my undying love and asking her to marry me! At least you still have your sense of humor......

 

When you go to Doc about depression...i would find a counselor to talk about not being so dependent on her....co-dependent....and all that stuff! It's tough when you love someone more than they love you. And everything seems onesided! But that is what happens. And the more the other distances themselves, the more you dig in and try to hold on! It sucks.

 

Read up on co-dependency. I hate the game playing too....of not being there when they txt. call. But people do it all the time!

[ThatwasThen]

Don't play games. "don't return a call" etc is bs. The trick is to actually get a life outside of her so that you're happy single. Then if you have a life you would be actually busy and not have to preted to be. Actually having a life, being busy and happy without her then when you say "sorry I didn't get back to you right away" or "sorry I can't see you Sunday as I'm going golfing with the guys" (or whatever) then you'd be a little more independent and not feeling so "compliant."

 

Everyone, even the most happy couples need a life outside of one another you and she should be no different.

[pfbsurf]

what attracted her to me at first was my independence and busy life. three boys, surfing, friends, etc And i definitely had a "take or leave" attitude in the beginning, not because i wanted to trick her, but because I could actually take or leave her. I went through a particularly stressful time (money, some family stuff, residual divorce issues and a short notice move from my place) and she was really an escape - she lives an hour away and I would literally escape my day to day to be with her. At the same time, i do think i have issues that i carried into the relationship - but again, we are all flawed, and on the whole, i think im a pretty good catch So, while i definitely have things to work on, i also think its possible to do this in a relationship

 

Also, for the last few months she did not have to do much to keep me around. i am just willing to see her when she wants She couldn't really come up to my place - it was being renovated and fairly unlivable. i was always going to see her, and i think that hurt the dynamic. i really feel that an honest conversation would involve me laying out, in a non-needy way, that a relationship is a 2 way street. She does all the reaching out generally, but again, i'm always available it seems

 

in any event her attraction has dropped, although she still has a hard time not being with me And i'm working hard to get back to my independent happier self.

 

I just dont know if i can do that at the same time as continuing to see her -

 

i'll read up on co-dependency. although i'm afraid of what i might find

[pfbsurf]

@realitynut

 

holy crap. just read one article about codependent. Not what i thought (i assumed it meant BOTH sides were unhealthily dependent on each other). It actually can refer to just one partner, that depends on the other above themeslves. Has to do with low self esteem and self worth. ouch. But accurate. I really do see myself as not being worthy. Mainly and almost only due to her looks. I'm a pretty good looking guy, but short (5-7) and well, she's shorter than me, not young (44) but she's very pretty. Whats crazy is that i've dated younger, prettier (and taller) girls, yet i am convinced that she is out of my league in some ways. (friends say she isn't, and she has her own self worth issues)

 

but there we are. I love her and love being with her, but really, i am sort of shallow too, i love that she is very attractive and my girlfiend. And i'm willing to put up with less than perfect communication and some flirting - as well as living with my suspicion that she would drop me if the right guy came along Stressful!

 

i have read enough (and been around long enough) to know that it is not just me - it is a fairly common problem for guys. And she has much of her self worth tied up in her looks, so of course it is not easy for her to change her ways.

 

all that said, she is pretty cool, we do have a great connection, and its only been 10 months. And, for now, she has chosen to be with me, without tons of drama. so its not the perfect relationship, and she may not be the "one"

 

 

Why can't i just CHILL??