Tips for moving on? A fine line. Advice?

[pfbsurf]

hi- impending break up, girl i was with for only 9 months. Went from being pretty casual to a bit more serious (for me at least) than i'd expected. I think i entered into this with baggage and issues i hadn't fully addresssed. She is really the only serious girlfriend i've had for 8 years, after my divorce. My ex wife was the only other true relationship ever. I"m 47 (father of three amazing boys).

 

i've had lots of casual dating and flings. i became pretty good at meeting women and staying detached, focusing on myself and my kids. Then, this.

 

for the last 6 months i've become very attached emotionally, i did not show much outwardly but i know she could tell. And while she loved being with me, and admits we had a great connection, she was holding back, and recently, we have "taken a break" - which, i know, is a sign of the endtimes...

 

Anyway, i am looking for ideas on how to manage my emotions. Yes, i know, work out, be with friends and family, stay busy. eat right. All of that.

 

But i also know that if i don't address some specific emotional issues, i will not grow from this. I could move on, she could move on, and i'll be back to where i was before, a guy waiting for a girl to make him happy. I want to be the guy that is happy for what we had, ready to work on himself and be happy alone, and be a better person for the experience... All without wanting to crawl into bed and curl up in a ball

 

So the "fine line" i refer to is how do we move on while

 

1) honoring and being grateful for the relationship

2) not taking thiings too personally or taking all the blame

3) understanding where we went wrong so we can grow

 

it seems the more i analyse, the more i remember how good we were together and how i screwed up, but if i don't analyse, i'm afraid i wont change...

 

 

 

thoughts?

[mhowe]

How did you screw up --- and what do you think your "baggage" is/was??

[pfbsurf]

thanks for the reply/questions...

 

I guess i didn't really screw up, other than become more attached and dependent than i'd hoped. There are details, i became needy and she is very social and flirty, but really, over 9 months,there were only 2 mild situations where i expressed this. If anything, i probably did not communicate more confidently to her about boundaries etc. but "screwing up" i guess is just me being nice and attentive, and not letting her wonder about my feelings. i suppose there are worse ways to screw up

 

as for my baggage. My ex wife cheated on me. Fell out of love and all that. oldest story in the world i know, and i thought that i had it all handled, but my worry is that i feel no woman that i want to be with will want to stay with me. Massive self esteem issues anyone?

 

now i'm week one of no contact break. its a hellish limbo. I so want closure, and a big part of me still thinks that she will come around... thats not good. just looking to manage all this and reallly, to keep or gain some dignity about all of it. I want to be able to cherish the relationship, no matter what

[mhowe]

I think that due to your ex wife cheating, and your "bend over backwards" type of mentality that yes, you have self esteem issues.

 

A short bout of therapy might straighten this all out so that you can understand that your wifes' cheating was not about you, but about her.

 

Being needy and clingy --- is all about self esteem and abandonment issues. If you clear that up --- your next relationship can be much healthier.

[pfbsurf]

thanks. i was a bit too nice and compliant, and just have to admit that.

 

i've had some therapy recently but its fairly useless to be honest. the guy just listens and doesn't ask any hard questions or offer practical advice.

 

i guess while i have your attention, any thougths on the best road to rebuillding confidence re women? I found that when i was free and easy, and just dating, and i dated alot, i was more attractive and fun, and generally happier. Ironically, in most of the last 9 months, as i became more attracted to and dependent on my girlfriend, i was generally unhappy - except when we were together

 

i'm torn between trying to ignore all this and just move on and really trying to get to the bottom of a problem or problems that may have no solution...

[mhowe]

It is not an uncommon problem.

Get a different therapist --- they are not all the same.

 

You become "dependent" on the relationshp --- and that is the problem.

 

There should be 3 entities in a long term relationship: your life, her life and the relationship.

You do not fold yourself into the relationship --- you have your life, your hobbies, your friends --- as does she.

 

And you create a relationship middle ground where your lives overlap and share.

 

Ignore at your peril. Or endeavor to only date and not get back into a long term relationship.

[pfbsurf]

great advice.

 

outwardly - i did great at having my own life and letting her have hers. I am in fact very busy, with my kids, a fairly stressful but successful career, lots of friends and hobbies i let her have her social life and never complained about getting more time with her. But on the inside, esp in the last few months, i felt needy, i felt very insecure, particularly about her dumping me or cheating on me.

 

This is the sad part, i seemed to have done most everything right, and it still is falling apart. I have no choice but to take this personally...

 

its crazy because i seem to know all the answers, and are still asking the questions.

 

the main thought i have right now is to seek some sort of closure. I can't do this on my own but asking her at this point also seems weak and needy. i should not care what she thinks but i really do...

 

and yes, casual dating seems to be the best alternative at this point. Its just i'm going to miss her..

 

thanks again - this advice helps

[mhowe]

She can't give you closure...it comes from within you.

Your closure is that she has chosen to leave the relationship.

Nothing more you need to know...and as you look back...you can see the reasons.

[pfbsurf]

ouch. but you are right i think.

 

i've been there before, but fresh wounds and all that.

 

Back to my original post, i'm straddling the line between self improvement (closure comes from within) and preserving and honoring what actually was a very nice relationship with some great memories. That, at least for now, involves some sort of acknowledgement from her, that may not come. Without that, i feel like my road is a bit rougher.

 

We are "on a break" and haven't spoken in a week. We've texted briefly, but nothing important we have no plan other than probably talking or meeting at the end of two weeks. There has been no "breakup" or conversation about what we both "want". this is the limbo, and its pretty stressful.

[mhowe]

You don't need her validation that there was a lot of good thing about the relationship.

Some times they just don't work out.

But that doesn't destroy the wonderful memories you have.

[pfbsurf]

and of course, after several days of no contact... random text from her "Hi!!!" and then something about work...

 

Women!

 

i suppose that would be called a breadcrumb

[mhowe]

That would be bread DUST.

[pfbsurf]

well - she did reach out and asked me to get together. we did, it was great, like a first date. nothing was resolved, i found out that she did miss me alot. She does not want to be single, she was very lonely We talked about plans, and i stayed over (great makeup sex). The connection is still there, but we are still both the same. I'm too attached and she's afraid of being alone, but not necessarily madly in love with me.

 

if i keep doing what i've been doing, i'll keep getting what i've been getting. I want to shut that part of my brain off that needs her. i'm a mess. i know.

[pfbsurf]

It is not an uncommon problem.

Get a different therapist --- they are not all the same.

 

You become "dependent" on the relationshp --- and that is the problem.

 

There should be 3 entities in a long term relationship: your life, her life and the relationship.

You do not fold yourself into the relationship --- you have your life, your hobbies, your friends --- as does she.

 

And you create a relationship middle ground where your lives overlap and share.

 

Ignore at your peril. Or endeavor to only date and not get back into a long term relationship.

 

 

 

Going back over my old posts to sort of piece together a moving on battle plan. Now its truly over.

 

The above post helped me be a bit clearer on all of this "my life, her life.." and look through to understand why things went wrong and why things NEVER would have worked out longer term. The bottom line is that our lives were/are very, very different.

 

My life is really about my kids first. Three boys that need me, need my time. The time I spent w/S over the last 10 months took me away physically, and mentally. The longer we would have spent together, the more time away from my boys that would have meant. AND, unlike S, they NEED me. 11,13 and 14 years old. I"m a cool friggin Dad and there is no bigger or more important job for me to have in my life.

 

In addition, my life is about my hobbies and interests. Surfing, drawing, self improvement, working out, friends. Style, my new apartment, guitar lessons - all new activities to focus on. My life is about balance and curiosity. S found this so appealing - but how much surfing and drawing did I do over the last 6 months. Very little to NONE.

 

My life is also about my job, but this is the only area that actually improved because of S, and then only when things were going well.

 

But the point is I have lots and lots going on, a girflriend, esp one that lives an hour away and that brought a lot of stress to my life, is NOT a good idea. Fun, yes, in the way that heroin or meth is probably fun for an addict.

 

Now, S on the other hand. I do love her in a way, infatuation and attachment yes, but, in a pure and naive way i came to love the little minx. I brought the real her out, she would say. I'll take that as a compliment. So who was she then? If my life was the above, what is hers?

 

Well, simply put. Her life is socializing. 44 years old, never married, perpetually dating, living in the big City on her own. Girlfriends, guy friends. groundhog day of parties and after hours and having young guys hit on her all the time. Boy she ate that stuff up... Dressed up, she is simply stunning. And i'm a sucker for stunning unfortunately.

 

But she said she was tired of it all, and i believe she may be. This was where I came in. She could have me, then still have that. She never let it go. I was kind but a bad boy in the sack. We did fun things together and talked and talked. One day/night a week.

 

And then i went home and she went back to her week. And socializing. Of course, the socializing came with a price for me and ended or started to end predictably. I cut things off before we got there, or while we were getting there. No matter. the point I'm making is that her "life" the one that I would be layering over with mine like a venn diagram to create a "relationship", was simply dressing up, going out, and drinking and eating. Yes, she works, and works hard. But 44 and no real hobbies or kids of course. I"m not being critical, just realistic.

 

An hour away, a social butterfly, with a father of 3 (that wasn't her physical type really). Two completely different personalities.

 

(And yes, two completely different views of honesty and commitment)

 

 

The sex was great. The connection was "real" in a way. We both genuinely liked each other and are both very good people.

 

but we were not, ever, a great "match".

 

I'm still very sad but this helps..

[No1]

Its really hard to move forward unless you put your past behind you. Like MHowe mentioned. A little counseling could go a long way to help you sort out past issues. Once you work that out, everything else will fall into place.

[jphcbpa]

Also take time out from dating. I thought I was ready, wanted to be ready after 5 months. There is more healing and work to be done. I can be honest and own that. No shame in that. Do not put a time table on healing. Grasp the lessons this R was bringing up for you. Did you like "the way she made you feel and look" more than the actual person?

[pfbsurf]

yeah - enotalone instead of eharmony

 

I've been thinking about your question, and the answer is both. i liked both, really did like her as a person and liked our connection, the fact that she is very pretty is nice, but not all of it. She could be very sweet and genuine, and i do really want her to be happy. OTOH, she has certain needs, attention from guys in particular, that just make a LTR not feasible. Honestly, i think only a guy that just would not be that into her could keep her loyal.

 

but back to your point, i have no real interest in dating right now. This after 8 solid years of dating post Divorce..