Not my boyfriend's type?

[anniefeet]

Hi everyone! I'm new here and sorry to start with what might sound a trivial problem. It's really bothering me though and I desperately need an outside perspective!

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 14 months. I'm 34 and he's 37. We're moving in together in two weeks' time and everything is great between us. But lately I've started obsessing that I'm not his physical type and it's really bothering me. It started months ago when I met a few of his friends and three of them separately said they were surprised to see him with a blonde girlfriend as he's always dated brunettes in the past. I asked him about this at the time and he said he's dated as many blondes as brunettes so can't understand why his friends would say that.

 

I put it to the back of my mind but more recently we had a bit of a chat about past relationships and once I was armed with names I made the mistake of looking up some of his exes on Facebook. I've now seen eight or nine of his ex girlfriends and one night stands and they are ALL brunette with brown eyes and very curvy. In contrast I'm blonde, blue eyed and not so curvy. In fact, his last three flings before me all look so similar you can barely tell them apart.

 

I mentioned this to him again and he said he doesn't have a type, maintains he's also dated blondes before and says he loves me for me. I even mentioned dyeing my hair (pathetic I know) to see his reaction and he said it's up to me but he likes me the way I was when we met.

 

I realise how trivial this all sounds but I have a permanent fear he's going to cheat on me at the best of times and now I have seen his brunette exes I'm convinced I won't be enough to stop him being tempted if he meets someone who's more his type. I think a lot of my insecurity comes from the fact that he's done a lot of sleeping around in the past (although he's never cheated in a relationship) and I keep worrying that settling down with just me will get boring for him ... Especially because I'm blonde!!!!

 

I'm worrying myself sick about this at the moment to the point where I've even thought about calling off the move - and it's not his fault! Can someone please talk some sense into me?

[Edmund Exley]

All of the things you are worried about are your imagination, not his reality. Obviously you have trust/insecurity issues. I would advise therapy to deal with that before moving in together.

[christwowheels]

So I'm led to believe from the way you're writing this that the only thing you have to contribute to a relationship is your blonde hair and not-so-curvy figure. I mean seriously?

 

Go into the bathroom and look in the mirror. Do you think you're pretty? Do you get hit on by guys? Does your current boyfriend like looking at you? Does he compliment you on your looks?

 

Do you not have other qualities you bring to the table in a relationship aside from physical appearance?

 

Here's the deal, you don't have evidence he's ever cheated when he's in a real relationship, and you don't have evidence he has cheated on YOU either. All you know is that some of his exes shared an appearance that is different from yours. That doesn't mean much. As a guy, I can tell you that there are a variety of different appearances that I think are very very pretty. Now if I happened to have a sex with several people with similar body types, that wouldn't make me any less attracted to the other types of appearances I find pretty. Your boyfriend is likely the same way.

 

He chose you. He wants to move in with you. And why not? Didn't you see that pretty face and great personality in the mirror? You deserve to be loved, and it sounds like he does love you. So unless you can find some actual evidence he isn't into you, or that he is cheating, you are making something out of nothing. Go out there and love and be loved and don't worry about what his exes looked like.

[CeeLambrini]

You should be proud that you are different! You are unique amongst all of them, If I were you I would be more worried if I was a doppelganger of his last three girlfriends. My boyfriends exes are all tall and leggy, and I'm 5ft 3. It's never crossed my mind that he would prefer a taller girl.

 

Seriously, it may have been coincidence, or it may have had something to do with them all looking like a specific person in his life. Perhaps his friends are all used to seeing him with the same 'kind' of woman, and are now surprised he has expanded his search more - but it doesn't mean he prefers someone who looks different.

 

Even if his type was dark hair, dark eyes - be flattered that you have managed to stand out from the crowd enough that he has shifted onto a new 'type': you! Honestly, if you did look like the rest of them, you'd probably be worrying that the only reason he noticed you in the first place was because you had dark hair and dark eyes. This way you completely stood out to him, in looks and personality - enough for him to forget what he is used to and he probably finds your major differences endearing.

[anniefeet]

Thank you all so much for such detailed responses. I had to laugh at the comment that I would also be worried if I DID look like his exes - yes, actually I think I would!!!

 

It's true that he does compliment me on my looks every day and I don't think I'm ugly and have never had a problem attracting men. I also have to say that I've been surprised when I've seen pictures of some of his exes as some are not that attractive. It really is just that I'm hung up on not looking the same as his exes.

 

We've had long talks about moving in together and he knows I consider this a step towards the rest of our lives together and would feel betrayed if he wasn't thinking the same way and hadn't said anything. He's still moving in, so I probably need to stop overthinking and trust him, don't I?

[mhowe]

Yup.

 

And it would be helpful if you could understand that your looks are not why he is with you. It is you, Annie, that he loves. Not just your physical appearance.

You are placing much too much importance on outward appearance.

[Edmund Exley]

I realise how trivial this all sounds but I have a permanent fear he's going to cheat on me at the best of times and now I have seen his brunette exes I'm convinced I won't be enough to stop him being tempted if he meets someone who's more his type.

 

Wow, you don't give him much credit as a decent human being, do you?

[christwowheels]

Yep, you need to trust him unless and until there's an actual reason not to. It's good to proactively monitor for problems in a relationship and then work on addressing issues ASAP. But it is not good to look for problems that don't exist. If he didn't think you were attractive, he wouldn't have asked you out in the first place.

 

And yeah, he obviously loves more about you than just your looks. You don't move in with somebody who you don't like as a person. Stop worrying about this and start being happy!

[Man with Dog]

You've already been together 14 months and you are both in your 30s. He hasn't cheated while in a relationship. All good signs.

 

We ALL feel insecure at one time. I felt insecure because my wife's ex could sing in tune and play a musical instrument and was younger than me. My wife felt insecure about some of my exes were younger than her and prettier than her (in fact they weren't). After over 20 years together, neither of us have traded the other in for anyone younger, etc, etc

 

If you really are that worried, you could dye your hair but I'm sure it's not necessary.

 

Take care.

[icecreamaddict]

Why are you so worried he will cheat on you? have you been cheated on in the past? Everything you wrote about your fears are just your own insecurities. You really should addres these before it impacts your relationship.

[mhowe]

Why are you so worried he will cheat on you? have you been cheated on in the past? Everything you wrote about your fears are just your own insecurities. You really should addres these before it impacts your relationship.

 

Everything you wrote about has to do with appearance.

[annie24]

I don't think he would have gotten past the first few dates if he didn't like how you look. I think his friends were being jerks. I Cant really imagine saying that to someone?!?!

[anniefeet]

Again, thanks to everyone - I'm so glad I came here

 

In answer to why I'm worried he'll cheat ... I don't know! I've never been cheated on that I know about, but I've had two five year relationships that have seemed to be going well and then out of the blue, both guys turned around and told me they didn't love me anymore and weren't ready to settle down (once when I was 22 and once when I was 31). In one case, I later discovered that the guy had married someone else within a year of our break up (so hardly not ready to settle down!) and in the second case I hear he's spent the last three years since we broke up getting hammered every weekend, and this apparently is a better option than settling down with me (he's also 45 years old so it's a little sad in my opinion).

 

I guess I've sort of gone overboard on the advice someone gave here about monitoring for problems and maybe just looking for things that aren't there to avoid being hurt out of the blue again.

[anniefeet]

Oh and in reply to the other Annie - one of his friends not only said I'm not his usual type but even said 'I'm sure the photos he showed us of his new girlfriend were of someone with black hair!' She did apologise later but you can imagine the trouble that could have caused!!!!!

[christwowheels]

Well, it is sad that you've had two long time relationships that didn't work, but please don't let that jeopardize this one. Hopefully, you've found the love of a lifetime now. The more optimistic and happy and in the moment you are, the more likely this is going to work. Be happy!

[SpottiOtti]

His friends sound like social morons.

[anniefeet]

I know you're right Chris. Thank you

 

Spotti - I would love to disagree with you but .... Let's just say we'd need a whole new thread for tales of how moronic some of his friends are!!!

[annie24]

um yeah, pretty serious morons! i think they're enjoying messing with you. ugh. I'm pretty sure that the girl who thought she saw a photo of his gf with "dark hair" might have had a thing for him.

[Ms Darcy]

Your self-esteem sounds very low if you TALKED ABOUT DYING YOUR HAIR. That's like hallmark card saying: "look at me, I have low self-esteem."

 

It sounds like you were fishing for something to worry about and now you found it. Have you considered having therapy to deal with these anxieties?

 

Also, has he said specifically that he sees you as the woman he'd like to spend his life with?

[abitbroken]

I think that you should not move in together. I think that you are not ready to if you are having these basic doubts about your relationship. I think you should wait until you feel more confidant because low self esteem and lack of trust towards your significant other are big relationship killers - just wait until you are living together.

 

You say you will be hurt if he doesn't see moving in together as the step you do - have you really asked him about this point or are you just assuming because he "hasn't said anything to the contrary". Don't be the woman who is "tried out." Especially if you are insecure as it is.

[anniefeet]

In fairness to my boyfriend, he's been very clear that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He actually wanted to move in with me six months ago when his lease was last up for renewal but I insisted we wait a bit longer as I felt it was too soon after eight months together. He's adamant he sees it as the first step towards the rest of our lives together and has thought it through properly. I've insisted on that as it's a fairly big move that involves a commute for him. I do realise the problem is me wobbling, not him.

[Iggles]

He's adamant he sees it as the first step towards the rest of our lives together and has thought it through properly. I've insisted on that as it's a fairly big move that involves a commute for him. I do realise the problem is me wobbling, not him.

 

I don't see how wanting to wait until you feel comfortable living together is a "problem".

 

If anything he seems like the one rushing ahead. There's so many relationships where people move in together within six months or eight months whatever, they last for a couple of years and then break up. Rinse, wash, repeat with the next person.

 

My point is, moving in together does not signify you going to be together for the rest of your lives.

 

Take your time. Don't feel pressured by other peoples' time lines. Wait until you feel secure enough in the relationship before taking the next step.. Honestly, breaking up when you live together is seriously painful so you want to be sure.