Lies...

[mhowe]

His ex wife nor his last gf were large breasted.

He values intelligence over bust size.

[mhowe]

Then find a man that doesn't watch porn. The solution is simple.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I'm not entirely sure how to feel like the chosen one, when physically I'm quite clearly not what he chooses to get himself off. That's just settling.. He didn't exactly have loads of women after him, he just happened to have me, and he settled and kept on getting the visuals he actually wanted. I don't feel chosen.

[mhowe]

You are entitled to your views.

I neither "accept" porn nor "join in".

I actually don't give a hoot.

[mhowe]

Well...then maybe you are just that. The woman he settled for.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Ah, now see, a man that values intelligence over any physical attribute sounds wonderful. Just seems rare..

How do I find a man who doesn't watch porn? I thought I had this time, but he turned out to be a liar and a porn guy.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Yes. I know I'm the one he settled for.

You genuinely don't mind him watching other women to get himself off? Choosing to do that over you? Finding them more attractive? I don't know how to feel that way.. Because he's the one I'dchoose, every time.

[mhowe]

I am a very attractive woman with normal size bust.

My bf finds intelligence as the #1 criteria for dating me. I don't know how one finds them...he pursued/courted me for 2 years before we became a couple.

 

And he watches porn.

And he does not lie....because lying is MY deal breaker.

[mhowe]

He does not choose porn instead of me. He chooses porn when I am not around!

I cannot control what he thinks/fantasizes about nor would I want to.

[journeynow]

Are you thinking of leaving him over this?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

He sounds awesome.

That's the thing though, apparently I'm attractive.. Men come on to me all the time. So I must be ok.. I'm just slim, and he apparently values busty over all else. It would be ok if he had a higher sex drive and I didn't have sex as often as he wanted. But that's not the case, we had sex almost daily, tried out fantasies, I used to dress up, absolutely everything and I have a VERY high sex drive. But it wasn't enough, he watched it once when I was upstairs going to sleep, he'd just said he couldn't have sex because he was too high (he takes drugs.. I don't. I dislike it, but I'm really not controlling as you think, I just take it as a part of him). So anyway, it's not like he needed porn, ever. We even made our own.. His excuse after that was that he wanted different angles. Lol. Yeah. And he had photos of a naked glamour model, busty of course, on his phone. It just seems like that's all he truly wants, and since I'm only a B cup, I'm basically worthless. Or that's how it makes me feel anyway, which is annoying because I always thought my breasts were my best part!

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Yes, I am thinking of leaving him over this. It's been going on for almost two years now. The lies are driving me crazy. And yes, clearly my self esteem has dropped ridiculously low.

I love that song btw, Joni Mitchell is wonderful

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Has he never lied? Not once, about anything? I want that. I really do.

[mhowe]

Then leave him and find someone who makes you feel like you are all he wants.

 

PS. He is awesome. He is also human.

[mhowe]

No...he does not lie to me. I have seen him lie to friends/family to avoid confrontation.

I told him in the beginning that I do not lie nor accept being lied to...and there was no "truth" that would be worth not telling me...because when/if I found out...it would erode the trust I had in him.

 

And so...he hasn't/doesn't.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I also told him at the start that lying would be a deal breaker. It was incredibly important to me, because I have children. I guess I just need to move on. And the logical thing obviously is to find someone who doesn't make me feel worthless

[journeynow]

If this is true, that lying is your deal breaker, and you've found he's lied, then you must break up in order to be honest yourself. Do you see that? If you told him that lying is a deal breaker, yet you don't break up when he lies, then you weren't honest about it being a deal breaker. It may not be easy, but self esteem and integrity are built upon your keeping your word, including to yourself.

[mhowe]

Journey... as always.. is correct.

 

I have never lied to my bf...nor he to me. Even when the truth was hard to hear. And when it was, I accepted it...regardless of its impact on me. If you make that a deal breaker...you have to live with the consequences.

[ParisPaulette]

The lying is the big issue here and a lack of communication and agreement between the two of you as to what is acceptable. As to the porn itself, meh. Men and women look at porn, understand it, deal with it and either you find someone who feels that same way about it that you do or get past it. As to the young girls thing, if they really are portrayed as schoolgirls doing sexual things then yeah I'd be a bit concerned about that. However what you're describing sounds like anime (Japanese animation) and as creep-inducing as I find it most people don't. And that art form does indeed make both men and women look very young and yet very stylized with big breasts for the women, perfect pecs for the men and for whatever reason the schoolgirl uniform thing is huge in anime--again for both men and women as seen at this link: link removed See what I mean?

 

I have a sister who collects anime artwork and I'd hardly call her a pedo anything, it just is what it is. I don't like it, but then I'm not everybody.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I've never looked at it like that before... It makes sense. It's just all so incredibly sad. I really love him, and despite everything, all the tears, I miss him like crazy when he's not around

If this is true, that lying is your deal breaker, and you've found he's lied, then you must break up in order to be honest yourself. Do you see that? If you told him that lying is a deal breaker, yet you don't break up when he lies, then you weren't honest about it being a deal breaker. It may not be easy, but self esteem and integrity are built upon your keeping your word, including to yourself.

[Moontiger]

I know I'm entering the conversation late, but it seems to me the only guy you will find who watches no porn is the extremely religious type. Then again Utah, the land of Mormons consumes more porn than any other state. link removed

 

The issue here is NOT porn. Its you feeling insecure and your BF lying. Those are the two things you should work on.

[CeeLambrini]

I look at my boyfriend and see the most beautiful person in the world....but I'll be damned if I look the other way when Channing Tatum takes his shirt off in a film.

 

Is that cheating? Maybe by your standards? I don't know. They may have similar features, but boyfriend isn't on par with dear Channing with the abs and the muscles, and neither am I with Scarlett Johansen in a cat suit. You can first and foremost appreciate a good looking person, that's the easy part. Trusting, loving and committing to someone is way more beautiful and important than having a certain body type.

 

What is hurtful, however is lying. Not only is it hurtful but your boyfriend is showing you that he is a person who is unable to stand up and say "This is who I am, this is what I like to do when I'm alone sometimes, and I'm not going to change". Instead, he lies about the porn to keep you happy - but in doing so, each lie he tells you makes you wonder why he does. The lie makes it seem like there is more substance to his porn viewing, such as - he does have preference for bigger breasts, he does prefer younger girls. It also makes you wonder what else he lies about.

 

For this to work, there needs to be some kind of compromise. He needs to stop with the lies, but perhaps you also need to ease up on the fantasy micro managing. You can't change what goes through a man's mind, and you can't dictate the nature of how he masturbates. If he has conditioned himself to "need" a visualisation when masturbating, it is going to be very difficult for him to just cut it out cold turkey, in my opinion.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

You've hit the nail on the head there. Lying about it makes it seem So much more important than it probably is, it makes me question absolutely everything. I don't believe I try and micro manage what goes through his head, I have absolutely no issue with him finding people attractive. Everyone does that, I of course find people attractive, but that doesn't mean I need to rush off and find naked photos of them. I can't be ok with that. But yes, I suppose even that, even the porn which I am completely against, could be a compromise, as I've told him, as long as there are no lies. The lying really is the issue.. Because if you're lying, you're showing it's something you feel is wrong, it makes me question everything, and always assume the worst. I mean, he certainly doesn't seem like some disgusting perverted sex monster, lol, but because there are so many lies, I wonder about that now, whereas I never did before. I worry he could be the very worst type of man, even though it's incredibly unlikely.

[CeeLambrini]

I say have a chat with him about the lying and let him know exactly how it comes accross. Say it with understanding that you understand that he is trying not to hurt you by lying, but when you find out about the lie it does way more damage to your relationship and trust than it would if you simply knew the truth.

I would also have a talk with him about the porn as well. Ask him if he is comfortable expressing his feelings towards porn, it may help you understand what is going through his mind, and why he chooses to view it.

I understand that a lot of us (yes, including me) do not like the idea of their boyfriends watching porn. Honestly, I prefer not to think about it. However, I absolutely have no doubt whatsoever that I am a million times better than those women on the internet - both in the bedroom and out. Perhaps you need reassurance of this more often from him?

[Unreasonable]

We both agreed to porn being cheating.

You agreed on nothing. You said porn is cheating and he agreed to placate you. I agree, he should not have done that, he should have dumped you. You obviously have a very hardcore stance on porn (it makes him a cheater, horrible person, even a pedophile, etc), and he is lying to avoid your freak-outs. And every man you ever meet will do the same. You want to control his mind and body even when he is alone by himself. Who would want to deal with that? No one!

 

You want honesty? Okay. Are you going to be able to keep a stiff upper lip when you come home and get a "yes" every time you ask him if he masturbated today? You start blubbering or getting pissed and that's just going to either drive him back to lying, or dump you.

 

The whole "I can only imagine fantasizing about my partner" is specific to YOU and not even all women. People do not, as a rule, fantasize about what they already have. I can guarantee you your boyfriend doesn't want to be with some sl_tty looking pornstar with fake boobs and inch thick makeup that probably has slept with hundreds of men. It's just some picture that he forgets about as soon as he's done. If he DID want that, he'd be trolling for girlfriends at the local strip club because that's probably the closest thing he'd ever get to that. But (I assume) he doesn't. Because he's with you. If anything, he's "settling" with somebody that's insecure and controlling.