Lies...

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Drugs aren't a deal breaker as long as they aren't in my house. And why surprisingly? See, for you they may be, and I'd respect that and understand it. But my finding porn a deal breaker is, as far as I can tell from previous posts, what makes me a control freak etc etc. Hmm.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I discovered the first lies after about a year, and yes, I am a fool for staying as long as I have. But he is SO convincing. Honestly, when I've broken up with him in the past he's become almost suicidal, and I love him, so it scares me. I suppose a lot of it is guilt... also, after coming online most people shrugged it off saying all men watch porn and lie. Basically what most people have said on here... so I ended up feeling bad, as if it was me, and that he wasn't really doing anything wrong, because porn is natural and healthy and I'm a mad control freak for being against it.

[mhowe]

Drugs aren't a deal breaker as long as they aren't in my house. And why surprisingly? See, for you they may be, and I'd respect that and understand it. But my finding porn a deal breaker is, as far as I can tell from previous posts, what makes me a control freak etc etc. Hmm.

 

I don't care about drugs. I am just surprised as a mother that you would allow someone who is high around your kids.

 

And no one said you were a control freak. You are looking for any excuse to not deal with your deal breakers. You don't approve of porn nor your SO watching it.

 

It couldn't be clearer. Your value systems don't jibe.

[mhowe]

I discovered the first lies after about a year, and yes, I am a fool for staying as long as I have. But he is SO convincing. Honestly, when I've broken up with him in the past he's become almost suicidal, and I love him, so it scares me. I suppose a lot of it is guilt... also, after coming online most people shrugged it off saying all men watch porn and lie. Basically what most people have said on here... so I ended up feeling bad, as if it was me, and that he wasn't really doing anything wrong, because porn is natural and healthy and I'm a mad control freak for being against it.

 

No one is saying all men watch porn and lie.

Some men watch porn...and don't lie about it because there is no need to lie about it.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I don't care about drugs. I am just surprised as a mother that you would allow someone who is high around your kids.

 

And no one said you were a control freak. You are looking for any excuse to not deal with your deal breakers. You don't approve of porn nor your SO watching it.

 

It couldn't be clearer. Your value systems don't jibe.

 

I don't allow someone high around my kids? When did I ever suggest that I did?

I don't mind the drugs as long as my kids don't see... just like maybe you don't mind porn as long as your kids don't see (perhaps hypothetical kids, but you see my point..lol).

I'm not looking for an excuse not to deal with them, I'm just wary of ending a relationship where potentially it will be a mistake. Potentially he has changed.. I don't trust that he has, but I wouldn't trust anyone else either.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

What do you mean by 'need' to lie? When is there ever a need to lie about anything? All that means is lying because you're a coward who's scared of someone's reaction. I don't think there's ever any excuse to lie. I don't see how it would be a good thing to feel as though your partner is only honest because you pretend to be OK about something which hurts you.

[mhowe]

It is inconceivable to me to be in a relationship without trust.

But...as this has been apparent throughout yours...best of luck.

[mhowe]

What do you mean by 'need' to lie? When is there ever a need to lie about anything? All that means is lying because you're a coward who's scared of someone's reaction. I don't think there's ever any excuse to lie. I don't see how it would be a good thing to feel as though your partner is only honest because you pretend to be OK about something which hurts you.

 

I am not pretending I don't care about porn. I don't care about porn.

My partner does not lie about anything. I trust him implicitly.

[CeeLambrini]

It is tricky after falling in love with someone and being with them for a year, finding out that they have lied about something - anything in fact. Wouldn't have to be the subject of porn. What matters is you were lied to about an aspect of him that you liked. Like I said before, for me it would be the lying that would hurt - because you were never given a choice of whether or not you were going to accept it. He decided for you that you weren't to be given that option on whether or not to stay with someone that watches porn.

 

...And I think after a year, it is very difficult to end a relationship with someone who meets your deal breaker. Especially when it seems that the good outweighs the bad in so many other ways. The sad thing is, once the lie is revealed and then repeated over and over again - how is that even possible to fully trust that person like you once did?

 

When you say he becomes almost suicidal, however - it sounds like emotional blackmailer should be added to the list. If you can't look past the porn viewing and the lies, what sort of relationship is it where the biggest reason you are with him is because he guilts you into staying? If he wanted to be with you - and I mean really be with you - the ball is in his court to cut out the lies and even the porn. Not just have a great begging/crying/suicidal show for you in order to manipulate you into being with him. This guy needs to straighten himself up and realise that he is what is pushing you away

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

It is inconceivable to me to be in a relationship without trust.

But...as this has been apparent throughout yours...best of luck.

 

You'd be surprised what you're able to put up with for the sake of your children's happiness.

But at the same time, trust is exactly the thing I need with children

But thank you, best of luck to you also.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I know.. I've told him he's manipulative in that way. But he has depression, so it's difficult to know if it's genuine or just trying to get what he wants.. either way, it works

I've given him 'one last chance' a couple of times. But this time, I actually mean it. As far as I can tell, there has been no porn for 9 months now.. and no lies since Christmas. I've explained to him very carefully that if I discover another lie, that that will have to be it.

It's just that previously he will make out that I am just throwing him away, that if I loved him I'd give him another chance. I get confused and wonder if it's actually me.. I just don't know anymore.

But anyway, i have made the point that if he lies to me again, then it is NOT me getting rid of him, it is him choosing to leave.

I just hope that if/when it happens, I will have the self esteem to walk away and never look back this time

[faraday]

There will always be someone hotter than you. Always. And just because he looks...just because he gets off to it...doesn't decrease your value or make him find you less attractive or make him love you any less. If you insist on dating someone that only finds you attractive...every man you date will have to lie to you...because it's not the way the male brain works.

 

Women are biologically programmed to find a man that will provide for her during pregnancy and after birth when she's vulnerable. That's why we get heavy shots of oxytocin when we have sex and give birth. It binds us to our partners (so we stay with them ensuring that our children are provided for) and binds us to our children so that we don't smother them when they cry. We've become smarter than our biological responses have evolved...which is why more women file for divorce then men...and why we get abortions and give children up for adoption.

 

Men are biologically programmed to spread "their seed" as much as possible with the most attractive (therefore fertile and genetically superior) women. It ensures their genes are passed on. They too have mentally evolved but their biology hasn't as rapidly...which is why men value more than big t and a round a but they still enjoy getting off to that perfect specimen....they want more than sex with multiple porn stars....so they choose to be with one woman. One that presumably he finds attractive, loves, thinks is smart and funny and kind.

 

He's not having sex with porn stars...he's just getting off to them occasionally. He still has sex with you. Daily. So...the problem is yours. You need to work on your self esteem. If you can't handle porn....or a bf thinking any other woman aside from you is attractive...then find a man in a cave with no wifi....or get used to being lied to.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I never said anything about him finding people hot.... That's something I couldn't care less about.

I don't see how that has anything to do with watching porn.

And yes, thank you, another vote for 'all men watch porn'.

And please let's not start on men are biologically programmed etc etc. Most men don't even want children, but they use that excuse as to why they want 'fertile' women. Lol.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I think I'm done with forums. 90% of people are going to say i am at fault, because I am the minority that doesn't agree with porn.

I'm bored of hearing the same things over and over. Men are NOT programmed to watch porn. Maybe once upon a time men wanted to mate with every fertile creature. But that's not the case anymore.. if anything we're overpopulated. Also, it doesn't explain homosexuals does it. If men are programmed to want hundreds of hot young chicks, then gay men must be repressing their natural urges, right? Nope, they're not. We're humans, not animals that live on instinct. Watching porn is a choice. Momentary 'he/she is attractive' not a choice.

[mhowe]

This is not really a post about porn. It is a post about lies.

And what you are willing to compromise (your values) in order to be in a relationship.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Yeah.. I think everyone is jumping on the porn thing without actually reading any of the posts.

[faraday]

I guess my post wasn't very clear. My post basically said that you will get lied to if you expect something that goes against biology. I was more referring to you post about feeling like he's settling for you but used porn stars as an example. Sorry, replace "other women" with porn stars...my post still stands. People masturbate. Men tend to be more visual...would you prefer he gets off to a computer screen or looking through your neighbors window?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I guess my post wasn't very clear. My post basically said that you will get lied to if you expect something that goes against biology. I was more referring to you post about feeling like he's settling for you but used porn stars as an example. Sorry, replace "other women" with porn stars...my post still stands. People masturbate. Men tend to be more visual...would you prefer he gets off to a computer screen or looking through your neighbors window?

 

Ahh, see, in my case, probably my neighbours window.. lol. He has the hots for a lady who lives down the road

I don't care though... I find it amusing! Bit different to a fake breasted, heavily made-up chav doing degrading humiliating things though isn't it.

But I see what you're saying about settling.

[faraday]

and also...you teach people how to treat you. So...if you punish anyone for telling the truth, they will lie to you. I *never* punish my daughter for telling me the truth. I'll punish the bejeebus out of her for lying to me though. Same goes for the way I treat bfs.

 

My last relationship was very unhealthy...and he would completely lose it on me for random things...so I learned to just tell him what he wanted to hear. It wasn't worth the fight. I should have left...but I thought I could be different...I thought he could be different. But we can't. We are who we are. You can't make someone be who you want them to be.

[faraday]

Ahh, see, in my case, probably my neighbours window.. lol. He has the hots for a lady who lives down the road

I don't care though... I find it amusing! Bit different to a fake breasted, heavily made-up chav doing degrading humiliating things though isn't it.

But I see what you're saying about settling.

 

Thanks for seeing the good in my post I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just making a point...but in an unclear fashion

[faraday]

So what are you going to do?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

That sounds like having to treat men like children though.. I've always been honest with my partner, even when it's hurt him, even when he's been upset. I respected him enough to give him the truth. Though, not so much anymore

But I must say, I don't think I ever 'punished' him for telling the truth.. ever. He had told me things in the past that I didn't like, but we never argued about it or anything.. I discovered lots of lies originally which were about things we'd never even discussed. He spent a year saying he didn't like blondes, and his answer to that was 'I just didn't think you'd like it if I did'. There was no reason.. It was quite bizarre actually. He even told me it was never me, I wasn't the reason he lied, he just wanted me to 'think the best of him'. Which I might have believed if he hadn't continued. I punished him for the things he had lied about, though. Definitely. The only actual thing he knew I had an issue with was porn, and yes, I suppose he thought I'd break-up with him if I knew. But then, he could have not watched it instead of lying, or he could have broken up with me if he chose porn instead of out relationship.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I'm going to stick with this being his last chance. I didn't see him for a week recently, and honestly it was nice not having the constant stress and paranoia about him. So, really, if he can't stick with being honest, I'll definitely hold true to myself this time and remove him from my life. I just always talk myself out of it because my kids really love him, and he is amazing with them. But as has been said, a liar isn't good for my children. So, it's just what I will have to do.

[CeeLambrini]

If he wants you to 'see the best of him' then how do you know that you know and love the real him? What else don't you know about?

 

And yes - I understand being more approachable for someone to tell the truth, but if the truth is something that makes you unhappy you can't just sit there with a smile on your face. People sometimes need to face the music, accept that their partner isn't going to be happy with what they've done but be mature enough to accept that and accept whatever reaction comes their way.

 

I would really like to give men a lot more credit, than to categorise them as either porn watchers or peeping tom perverts.

[mhowe]

Is everything he lies about directly or indirectly related to his preference with regard to attraction?