Lies...

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Wow, well somebody in this society needs a hardcore stance on porn. It's so normalised and defended everywhere you go. I can't actually believe people are so defensive of their precious porn.. it's scary. It's porn, it's not food or air, or sex, or love. It's video's of random strangers having fake sex. Nobody needs it, nobody gets anything positive from it, especially not women. So yeah, I'm against porn, and you're for it. A difference of opinion does not make me controlling. Some people are strict vegetarians, would they be controlling if they got with someone who claimed to be vege and was secretly eating meat and was upset about it? No. You just shouldn't lie about who you are to get with someone. I never lied about any of that, it's important to me. I'm not forcing him to be with me then controlling everything he does. It's pretty simple, lies and porn are not going to feature in my life. If someone needs those things, fine, just not with me. But I'm the bad guy? Right.

And you're wrong, not every man would lie about porn, because not every man watches it. That's a ridiculous generalisation.

Also, to clarify, I'm not against ALL porn, I'm against porn that degrades and humiliates women, which exists in most gonzo/standard porn. So, yes, I'm a horrible nasty person for not wanting the man I love to find imagery of women in horribly unpleasant situations a turn-on.

And what on earth has masturbating got to do with anything? I don't care if he does or not... (which, he does). I know I do.. what I don't need is to watch a man humiliating himself and most of the time being in obvious pain to get me off.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Also, @Unreasonable I've read some of your threads.. So now I understand where all that came from.

Your questions about why your wife is insecure? I can almost guarantee it's because you watch porn and lie about it.

Porn is clearly wonderful and a great thing for relationships......

[mhowe]

Porn has no affect on many relationships.

If it is affecting yours....have you spoken to him about it or done anything?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Porn has no affect on many relationships.

If it is affecting yours....have you spoken to him about it or done anything?

 

Unfortunately it does have an effect on many relationships, also. A single google search will show that. But obviously, if porn is genuinely fine for both people in a relationship, then that is fine. Same with anything else, open relationships, anything.

I've spoken to him about it lots of times, I tried to compromise. I suggested it would be alright if I watched it as well, he REALLY didn't like that idea He just says he no longer watches it and has no desire to, finds it all disgusting etc. But, as I said, it's the lying from the past, how am I supposed to believe it?

It's all incredibly frustrating.. you can't move on from something when you don't really know what you're moving on from.

[mhowe]

He is still lying. He didn't just stop...he stopped telling you.

And your compromise is anything but....share your private fantasies with me for approval?

Yikes.

[lavenderdove]

OK i see layers of issues here.

 

The defining parameters though seem to be the following:

 

You're a mother of 2 young daughters

You're dating a guy who LOVES porn, and in fact loves porn depicting sexualized school girls (young girls in school uniforms, but with huge breasts).

He also does drugs which you mention as an aside as if it is harmless.

He lies.

He doesn't take your discontent seriously.

 

Your first priority in life the second you give birth is nurturing and protecting your children. And you've chosen to date a guy who does drugs and likes schoolgirl porn and lies. Great choice.

 

Seriously, you need to lose this guy. He is not a good choice to be the stepparent to your daughters or a partner to you if he loves porn and you hate it and he ignores your concerns and lies to cover up his actions.

 

And no, i don't hate porn. But I would be totally skeeved out by a guy who was into kiddie or schoolgirl porn and who also did drugs and lies to me.

 

Time to raise the bar. Who cares if this guy likes porn or not. He's a drug user, he's into schoolgirls (which your daughters are or will be) and he lies and ignores your wishes when something is really important to you (i.e., that he not do porn).

 

This is a bad match. Move on. And keep your daughters safe from drug users and guys who are into kiddie/school girl porn. They may just be too tempting for him, and sadly, many many child abusers target young single mothers so that they can have access to the children.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

He is still lying. He didn't just stop...he stopped telling you.

And your compromise is anything but....share your private fantasies with me for approval?

Yikes.

 

That was one compromise suggestion, which he agreed to, but then didn't do.

The other was that I could also watch porn in my alone time.. which he was horrified by.

Where's the yikes in that?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Hmm, see, this is difficult. Because every other reply is suggesting he's just a normal guy, and I'm a horrible person..

But if I break up with him and find someone new, the suggestion is they'll all be the same anyway... It's really confusing.

[mhowe]

Because a private fantasy is just that...private.

You are basically wanting to monitor his enjoyment.

And if you want to watch porn by yourself...you don't need his approval either.

 

BTW...Lavender made some excellent points.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Moniter his enjoyment.. not really.. I just want someone who doesn't need to find enjoyment elsewhere, someone who has the same values as me. The point of compromise is to find some ground where you can both feel comfortable.. why should I have to accept porn into my life, when he can't be bothered to make any compromises at all?

[mhowe]

Why should he have to change to your value system?

[lavenderdove]

>>Because every other reply is suggesting he's just a normal guy, and I'm a horrible person..

 

Many posters don't read everything (all the posts) and probably missed that you have two young girls and he is into schoolgirl porn AND that he also does drugs and watches porn. So their advice will be different based on the amount of info given.

 

Lots of people have no objections at all to porn and enjoy it so you'd get the 'lighten up' response from them. I have no trouble with ADULT porn as long as it is not kiddie/school girl /violent porn or the person does it to excess or to the detriment of their relationship.

 

I'm looking at the details of your particular case and that not only are you exposing your young girls to a man who does drugs and likes schoolgirl porn, but to the fact that he's a liar and you hate porn and find it unacceptable so that is a huge disjunct and problem. You can't sweep this under the rug, as you've already discovered.

 

And you say you don't trust him. I would not have any man I don't trust around my young children regardless of the reason for the distrust. They are precious, and you shouldn't be risking your most precious thing, your children, around a man who likes schoolgirl porn and does drugs and lies. Who knows what else he is up to and what else he is lying about.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

He doesn't? I've never asked him to.... I always said I don't want him to stop himself doing anything for me. I always said that if he wanted any of that, fine, just not with me. He's the one who lies and begs to come back and swears he's changed. Better question should surely be why should I change mine for him?

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

I know.. I shouldn't be with someone I can't trust.

The issue is, my children LOVE him. They really do. Plus, the alternative appears to be being alone forever.. since I'll never trust anyone who says 'I don't watch porn', which apparently is what they'll always say, because I'm against it.

I just don't see the point in anything anymore..

Sorry, I know that sounds very depressing, but it's true.

[mhowe]

Porn is normal. You have depicted his tastes as abnormal in your eyes.

 

However...there are men who don't watch it. So find one. Or get over that this will be an issue he will lie about.

[lavenderdove]

Not everyone likes porn and many people are against it for the same objections you have. And i've dated guys who like porn and none of them watch kiddie or schoolgirl porn. And i've dated guys who don't like it and think it is stupid/staged/degrading to women so won't watch it.

 

Don't make your problem with this particular person be about 'all guys are unsuitable for me.' They are not. You just haven't found one that works for you yet.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Normal maybe, but only in so much as it's common. It's not a 'good' thing.

 

Thank you, Lavenderdove. I need to find someone suitable. I just don't know how I'll know the good ones from the ones that lie.

[lavenderdove]

You have to be very very honest with them up front. As in telling them, that them watching porn is a dealbreaker for you (and explain why). And tell them if you find they are doing it and lying about it, you'll leave, so if they're into porn and can't do without it, then it is better for you not to date. Have this conversation with them relatively earn on, before you have sex or become exclusive. Weed out the unsuitable ones early on so you don't waste time with them and can move on to someone who is more suitable.

[lavenderdove]

You have to be very very honest with them up front. As in telling them, that them watching porn is a dealbreaker for you (and explain why). And tell them if you find they are doing it and lying about it, you'll leave, so if they're into porn and can't do without it, then it is better for you not to date. You're just assuming that everyone likes porn AND that everyone will lie about it in order to do it and cover if up, and that is just not true.

 

Have this conversation with them relatively early on, before you have sex or become exclusive. Weed out the unsuitable ones early on so you don't waste time with them and can move on to someone who is more suitable.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Unfortunately I did have this conversation early on.. It was in relation to lying, because I was explaining that being a single mum made it so important for him to be honest. We talked about everything, but he just lied

Which is what makes it so difficult to leave him and find someone else, in a weird way. Because he did such a good job of fooling me, I assume I'll never be able to tell when someone is being honest. So why bother leaving, only to get into the same situation with someone else. I don't think It would make me any better than him if I now went off and lied to potential partners and said I was OK with porn when I'm really not. So my being honest will put me straight back where I am now, only with someone different.

[mhowe]

Now you are just lying to yourself because you don't want to start again with an honest man.

They exist.

[lavenderdove]

>>it so difficult to leave him and find someone else, in a weird way. Because he did such a good job of fooling me,

 

Your logic is REALLY faulty. As in, 'it hurts to poke myself in an eye with this stick, but since I'll probably never find a better stick, i should just keep poking myself with this one.' When what you should be doing is stopping poking yourself in the eye.

 

So if you're going to take this attitude, then sure, keep poking yourself in the eye. But don't complain about it, because it is your choice to poke a stick in your eye rather than stopping it and taking the time to go out and find a decent guy rather than this loser/liar/schoolgirl porn/druggie.

 

You know what you've got on your hands, and if you care to continue to inflict yourself with him, then that is your choice.

[ReadyPlayerOne79]

Lol. Fair point.

I just meant that, how am I supposed to tell if the next guy that comes along is honest or not..

[mhowe]

You won't know until you get to know him.

However...since this man lies(deal breaker), watches porn (deal breaker).and gets high on drugs( surprisingly NOT deal breaker)....it stands to reason that there are several reasons for you to leave. Because by staying you affirm that deal breakers are meaningless.

[lavenderdove]

The trick in dating is not that you won't encounter losers, users, liars, cheaters etc. because you will. The trick is to keep a high standard and stick to your guns. As in, as soon as you realize he's a a liar or a user or a porn freak, you immediately dump him. You've got to weed thru the bad ones to find a good one, just like you have to sort thru a rack of a lot of clothes that aren't right until you find one, try it on, and discover it is either right for you or not. Right for you, buy it, wrong for you, toss it back on the rack and walk away.

 

How long have you known he was into porn? And lied about it? If you really hate porn and told him it was a dealbreaker then you caught him at it, you should have dumped him the moment you found out. That saves you a lot of wasted time on someone who isn't right for you and frees you up to get out there and to continue your weeding until you find a keeper.

 

You say in your first post that a lot of lies surfaced in your 1.5 years together. He should have been gone in the first lie, then you'd probably only have wasted a month or so on him rather than 1.5 years.