Why is No Contact so accepted here?

[parantap]

I have been here a few days and I have observed that No Contact is such a cardinal cure-all here. I disagree, if your relationship is going through the rocks by going incommunicado you might be dooming it, I have no other cure-all to offer but I don't think No Contact is the way ahead in most cases. What you are trying to do is to build not break up I believe, giving space I understand not No Contact.

[mhowe]

Simply because it works!

 

It isn't a game...when there is nothing but fighting and turmoil, the best thing to do is space.

Not continuing rje same downward spiral.

 

NC allows one to heal and time to take a serious look at the issues that are causing the dissolution. Staying in contact is the road to a bitter end.

[Moontiger]

No contact is not for relationships that are going through rough patches. Its for for relationships that ave ended. Big difference.

 

NC keeps a person from re-opening wounds and gives them a chance to get perspective and heal.

[BigKK]

No Contact is always suggested when people have been dumped and don't know what to do.

 

Sure responding to your ex everytime he/she calls might feel like the right thing, but it's only good for them and not you. People often come here heart broken and lost after breaking up and instead of running themselves through a gauntlet of pain, No contact is suggested as the first steps of healing and feeling better.

[sammi87]

I have been here a few days and I have observed that No Contact is such a cardinal cure-all here. I disagree, if your relationship is going through the rocks by going incommunicado you might be dooming it, I have no other cure-all to offer but I don't think No Contact is the way ahead in most cases. What you are trying to do is to build not break up I believe, giving space I understand not No Contact.

 

I have rarely seen NC advised for two people going through a difficult period but willing to work on a relationship... I have seen it as advice often given after a relationship is over. Particularly when one party is struggling to come to terms with the end of the relationship.

[Tanzi]

I have been here a few days and I have observed that No Contact is such a cardinal cure-all here. I disagree, if your relationship is going through the rocks by going incommunicado you might be dooming it, I have no other cure-all to offer but I don't think No Contact is the way ahead in most cases. What you are trying to do is to build not break up I believe, giving space I understand not No Contact.

 

It's always the same story. Every once in a while someone new pops up to say exactly the same thing that you have said. Usually these people are those who don't even want to consider the benefits of NC because they are not ready to let go of their ex … which is fair enough.

 

Not all instances require NC, I get that … and in those instances the advice will be given accordingly. Most of time, however, by the time they reach eNA, they usually do.

[lady00]

No contact is not for relationships that are going through rough patches. Its for for relationships that ave ended. Big difference.

 

NC keeps a person from re-opening wounds and gives them a chance to get perspective and heal.

 

This. NC is for a breakup not a rough patch. Obviously if a couple is working through issues they need to talk. If a couple is broken up, one person wanting to get back together by talking to the other won't work. Both need to be on the same page. NC is advised because it works.

[parantap]

Now what if I have not kept NC for last 20 days, going total over the top (two digit missed calls et al), any salvation for me, any advice for me?

[lady00]

Now what if I have not kept NC for last 20 days, going total over the top (two digit missed calls et al), any salvation for me, any advice for me?

 

In that case, sounds like you are broken up and you need to start NC now. When two people are working through issues, this type of thing (multiple one sided missed calls) doesn't happen. It sounds like your ex ended things and you have not been able to leave him or her alone. Start NC now to start healing.

[Edmund Exley]

I have been here a few days and I have observed that No Contact is such a cardinal cure-all here. I disagree, if your relationship is going through the rocks by going incommunicado you might be dooming it, I have no other cure-all to offer but I don't think No Contact is the way ahead in most cases. What you are trying to do is to build not break up I believe, giving space I understand not No Contact.

 

No contact is for breakups. Not for "going through the rocks". It allows for cooling off, no acts of desperation and no added injury. That said, most people don't end contact until it is too late anyway

[laninaperdida]

I think a lot of the users who come here are in doomed relationships & the NC suggestion is really to help the dumpee.

Doing the right thing and never ever playing a game is also the mass advice, lol.

Can't say I agree with either of them.

[Doofus]

I have been here a few days and I have observed that No Contact is such a cardinal cure-all here. I disagree, if your relationship is going through the rocks by going incommunicado you might be dooming it, I have no other cure-all to offer but I don't think No Contact is the way ahead in most cases. What you are trying to do is to build not break up I believe, giving space I understand not No Contact.

 

Well, I've been here a while and I completely agree with you. Frankly, there's no reason for this forum to exist, practically speaking. It's patrolled by a number of people who reply to practically every thread, and, regardless of circumstances give the same un-nuanced response. They might as well reduce the threads to one on which there is just one response: 'go NC'. Productivity in many households would dramatically increase.

Now, that said, NC can be good advice if, as often happens one or the other person ends a relationship because they lost interest or they've gained interest but in someone else. But, often, too break ups occur because of a fit of pique, or, because one or the other person is feeling insecure in the relationship and choose to end it before they themselves get dumped, or because of miscommunication or misunderstandings. Then, I think, NC is the worst possible course.

I think a good test is this: If you've begged for the other person to come back, told them you're willing to change and they've still said 'no', then go NC. Otherwise, there are still other options open to you. To figure out what they are, visit another site devoted to relationship advice.

[gxzone]

I too have questioned no contact and when it should be used, this forum in particular seems to support it. I have to say I think it is helping, I was in a much worse place beforehand.

 

That said, how do you decide when there is no chance of getting back together, and start NC is the best? I broke up with my ex (essentially said the thing that was the beginning of the end - that we are not meant to be together forever). This is a simulation but I believe it to be the most realistic scenario is that she was very sad when I said this, and friendship was no longer possible because it hurt too bad to speak to me. She is a nursing student and always studies things to find answers, so no doubt she either had experience with, or found internet advice about NC and suddenly went NC on me.

 

It was her going NC on me that really hurt, I was sort of OK or even relieved after I told her we need to be more casual and transition back into friends. I thought she would be over me easily in a week or two the way she was telling me things or acting...but in hindsight we were both pessimistic by the time we finally met for a date (it was a 7 month LDR with no meeting until the end). Every little thing was analyzed as negative. She has problems with trusting me and that became a burden for both of us.

 

I guess she really needed the NC, casual wasn't what she wanted. Its not what I wanted either, so it doesn't make any sense. It seems like she wanted to be with me but was really bad at expressing it, and now we are separated, probably for good. Its hard for me to let go of the feeling of trying one last time because maybe it was all a big mistake, but I don't want to hurt her if she really is committed to moving on.

 

I feel like all of my past relationships have failed because of poor communication towards the end. NC is very scary for me in this regard...but breaking NC is also scary for me because I know it'll hurt if anything but the perfect answer comes.

[Shane Falco]

The vast majority of people who come to this site have already done the begging and pleading part after a breakup. Very few people start searching for advice right when a break happens -- they usually wildly try to "win" the dumper back, have very little success, then use google, then find sites like this. For these people, No Contact is the best way to go and there's very little debate. Not only is it best for recovery and moving forward (it's primary purpose), not only can it make the ex miss you (which is not the point of it, but an occasional side effect), but it also protects you from making an absolute clown of yourself in the aftermath of a breakup. And yes, NC is preached ad nauseum and sometimes it's preached in a harsh way because a lot of dumpees come in here ranting and raving and wanting to act like a bull in a china shop. But it's preached because it is the best solution a vast majority of the time. A lot of the anti-NC people want to reinvent the wheel, but the wheel is a pretty damn effective form of transportation.

 

That being said, you never use NC while in a relationship. That would be awful. During a relationship, you fight for it. When the relationship is over, it's too late to fight in most situations. People come to this site wanting to fight when their dumper has no interest. It's a waste of energy and provides the dumpee with unnecessary pain and anguish.

[mhowe]

I found this site fresh after a break up...and the were some amazing veterans, since retired.

I read threads for 3 months without posting. I had gone NC without knowing it had a name, but what I learned here helped me stay strong.

 

Three and a half months later...he came back with the magic words:

 

I am sorry. I was wrong...please forgive me...I want you in my life.

 

That was 4 years ago. We are together still...and leaving for 3 weeks in the Greek Islands next month.

[Tanzi]

Now what if I have not kept NC for last 20 days, going total over the top (two digit missed calls et al), any salvation for me, any advice for me?

 

I am assuming then that you are broken up and that your ex was the one that did the breaking up. If this is the case you need to respect the choice she has made. She has broken up with you for a reason and you calling her constantly isn't going to change that. You are far more likely to push her away because the more you badger her, the more desperate she will be for the time apart she feels she needs.

[lady00]

That may be true of some posters but I think a lot of people on ENA understand that NC does not work for all situations. In the vast majority of "getting back together" threads (mine included, though I'm not sure my old threads are still around) the scenario is exactly as you mention (begging and pleading and getting a "no") in which case NC does make sense.

 

Also, there is a lot of advice here on working on relationships. As has already been stated by multiple posters, NC is for a breakup not a relationship that is on the rocks. Fixing that obviously requires communication and it requires for both people to want to work things out. If only one person wants to work on things, things will of course not work out. That isn't to say that couples don't get back together and stay together. Of course they do. One of my good friends married a guy she had been broken up with for years before getting back together. However, they dated other people in the mean time and definitely had periods of NC. They were not working on getting back together for the majority of the time as they were giving other relationships an honest effort before eventually finding each other again.

[Tanzi]

I think a good test is this: If you've begged for the other person to come back, told them you're willing to change and they've still said 'no', then go NC.

 

Which is usually where most people are when they find sites like eNA … as, it seems, the OP is too. If not, as I said previously, the advice given will be more applicable.

 

NC isn't for the weak or faint-hearted. Generally speaking, those who are opposed to NC are too emotionally weak and scared to make the final move to let go and will find any excuse to hang on … and the main excuse? They fool themselves into thinking that NC isn't applicable in their case and that "there is just one response of "go NC" that is not to be listened to. They/you choose to believe that it is a mantra of eNA that people say just because they can and not because it actually has any substance to it. Your prerogative of course but you would be totally wrong. And don't forget, it is only advice, after all. It is down to the poster whether they follow that advice. Bottom line, if your ex wanted to be with you, they would.

 

I broke up with my ex ……. She is a nursing student and always studies things to find answers, so no doubt she either had experience with, or found internet advice about NC and suddenly went NC on me.

 

Just like mhowe, when I found eNA I had already cut ties with an ex. I hadn't heard of the phenomenon of NC at that point. It just made sense to me that unless I left his life, he was never going to know what it was like to have truly lost me. I was also fed up of being at his beck and call and not getting anything from it. I knew that, for my own benefit, it was time to let go and that one way or another it would bring an end to the heartache. Your ex may have done the same too. NC isn't just something that is exclusive to sites like eNA …. to some people the idea of letting go and moving on comes in the form of good old common sense.

[Mangiafuoco]

That said, most people don't end contact until it is too late anyway

 

Too late for what?

As all wrote NC is only for heal yourself, and it's never late for starting to heal.

Of course, if you are aiming to reconciliation the full NC is not a good choice.

[parantap]

Still acronymising No Contact into a panacea trivialises a major emotional issue of the one searching for solutions, giving what s/he considers anathema as a cure of first resort. Everyone is different.

[mhowe]

People are different. The process of breaking up and moving on is universal.

[Glowguy]

Still acronymising No Contact into a panacea trivialises a major emotional issue of the one searching for solutions, giving what s/he considers anathema as a cure of first resort. Everyone is different.

 

That's quite a sentence. If you want to go ahead and prolong your suffering then by all means continue your current strategy. No Contact is a pretty iron-clad method for getting over someone. You can liken it to an addiction. You have to to cut yourself off from the source of your problem before you can fully heal (like nicotine for cigarettes - they best way to quit is cold turkey). If someone doesn't want to be with you then no amount of contact is going to bring them back to you. Two digit plus phone calls is borderline stalkerish behavior and at best it is clingy and desperate which is only going to make your ex lose respect for you. I think you should re-evaluate. Have you even given it a try yet before tearing it down? Most people who advise NC are doing so because they themselves have gotten through tough breakups using that exact method and are advising you from their own experience.

[jphcbpa]

I quit drugs, I quit smoking and I am quitting her. I am using the same tools. No Contact, Prayer and good people in my life. NC is to get that drug away from you and out of your system. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. Quitting drugs/smoking was much easier than her. Just a matter of time until I will be free. It is on the way.

[Tanzi]

Still acronymising No Contact into a panacea trivialises a major emotional issue of the one searching for solutions, giving what s/he considers anathema as a cure of first resort. Everyone is different.

 

Did you swallow a dictionary parantap?

 

Most of us giving advice are speaking from experience. No-one (eventually) decides on NC because it is what the WANT to do, they do it because the KNOW it is what they have to do. NC isn't a quick fix, it is a long-term solution. We are all different, yes, but when it cones to being dumped, we ALL need to move on at some point.

[mhowe]

My contractor bf says there are 2 ways to get a job done:

 

Fast...or right. Or...Right or 2x.

 

NC takes some time, because you have to let time heal.