advise please on what to do now...

[staysound]

so, I'm not getting a lot of feedback in my other thread so i'll try and make a new one because I really need some advice.

 

Basically:

my boyfriend who has broken up with the mother of his child, five years ago, is stuck in his life because of feelings of guilt towards her.

He left her while being pregnant.

I guess he left her because he felt he was too young to be 'tied up', he couldn't handle the responsibilities (my presumption) and he fell in love with somebody else which, in the aftermath, was just a reaction to his wanting to escape a family life.

Now 5 years later, he's more than ready to have a family life and he struggles with what he once had and lost.

 

Mind you, if I had know the severity of these feelings of his, of course I would have taken a parachute and jump this relationship in the early days.

 

But we are 10 months together, he's living with me although still keeping his own apartment.

Lately he was being very quiet, more than usual, couldn't sleep, sat here like a bag of potatoes, so I dragged it out of him what was bothering him (see above)

 

I then stressed on the fact that he really needed to sort his feelings out and that a closure conversation with his ex was something he urgently needed to do.

He can't go on with these (misplaced by now, but that's only my opinion, I didn't tell him that) feelings of guilt, and he needs to tell her how sorry he is and so on.

He needs to put things in the past where they belong, of course I (and he too) do realize their conversation could bring out lingering feelings of love.. or I dunno.. it could right. Especially since she just broke up or on a break if I got that right, it isn't clear, with her boyfriend of 3 years.

 

I told him I can't be with somebody who isn't 100% *my* boyfriend.

All fine you'd think but he didn't want us to be broken up.

Because I didn't want him to have the extra stress of being broken up with me and missing me while having to do what he's doing now (having a conversation with his ex of five years) I agreed he go back to his apartment for some days to digest all of this.

Still, all fine by me.

 

Yesterday on the phone however, he told me we are on a 'time out' during these days and I will not accept that.

We are either broken up or we are not, but I'm not going to go hide under some stone because he and his queen ex are having their big talk.

 

I don't want to but I need to break up with him, what's happening now is ruining every good thing we had and I honestly don't think this wouldn't overshadow our future together.

But I don't want to create any more drama for him -right now- than he's already in (and he has afflicted on himself btw).

 

I told him yesterday through text, after our call, that I don't do time outs and he can collect his stuff within in a few days.

He answered only with 'tss'.

 

I'm now torn between just leaving him be and not giving any more signals that I'm open to discussion about this, or effectively dumping him here and now.

(today I won't contact him, I don't want to interfere or be in the middle of their 'closure-or not' talk)

 

So my question is, what would you do or say in my situation?

Again, I repeat myself I know, he would need a lobotomy to be an available partner to me,

do I give him these couple of days to show he is capable of that miracle or do I really end this as soon as I can?

[Ms Darcy]

I told him I can't be with somebody who isn't 100% *my* boyfriend.

 

Yesterday on the phone however, he told me we are on a 'time out' during these days and I will not accept that.

 

I don't want to but I need to break up with him, what's happening now is ruining every good thing we had and I honestly don't think this wouldn't overshadow our future together.

 

So my question is, what would you do or say in my situation?

 

Again, I repeat myself I know, he would need a lobotomy to be an available partner to me

 

It's pretty obvious you need to break up ith him. You know you need to. I bet folks in the other thread told you that you need to. None of this is a surprise.

 

I think what's happening is that you on't ant to. So you have a ton of excuses:

 

-I don't want to create drama for him. (HE is creating drama by not being a bf and putting you on 'time out.' You cut out drama by ending it and going no contact.)

-If I had known earlier, I'd have left him. (10 months is NOT forever girl. It's very early on. Not a valid excuse either).

-He didn't want us broken up. (Nobody wants to be dumped. It's not up to him what you do. At least, you should be strong enough not to let it be.)

 

I would leave. You need to stop making excuses and just pull the trigger. Good luck!

[staysound]

Thank you Ms Darcy, I am sitting here biting my nails on this...

about the excuses: you are right, and no, 10 months isn't all that long, but considering we spent each and every day together, without exception and never had any trouble with that, it just feels longer, but you are right..

 

I suppose i will leave him alone today, he is entitled to focus on her right now, if that's what he chooses to do.

Can't say I'm not curious about the outcome but whatever that is, it just won't include me I guess.

 

No I don't want to break up, we had nothing but fun together except for these moments where he just couldn't open up to me, or shut himself down mentally..

but I should feel a part of a team and I don't. I feel like a part of their team and it s*cks.

[InkedBrunette]

First of all - Do you have children? I don't want to be rude, but just to give you a little perspective...

I can't tell you the pain that mother felt the day he walked out on her and left her with his mess to clean up.

He has every right and should feel guilty. It's not misplaced, I think it's a sign he's finally growing up and realizing just what he did. He brought a child into the world, abandoned it, and left the mother pregnant to fend for herself. Pregnancy is hard enough, add Dad walking out? I can't even begin to tell you the pain and stress of all of it.

 

As for your relationship, it's clear it's time to leave. By not leaving, youre prolonging the inevitable. There is no such thing as a time out in relationships. He's basically just told you that you two are "taking a break" aka broken up until he gets things sorted in his own mind.

 

As for being a part of their team - I'm sorry, but they have a child together. They will forever be tied together. My ex husband's girlfriend loathes me. LOL I dont care, I have our son and so she has to deal with the fact that we are forever tied due to him. You need to be able to accept that there will always be that "team dynamic" to some degree. Especially if he is attempting to apologize and perhaps see his child. You will end up taking a back seat (as is normal and healthy when a child is involved).

 

If you can't handle that part of it, I'd say stay away from single parents.

 

Beyond that though - The guys a jerk.

I'm glad you had good times... but sometimes when the mask drops, it isn't so much to let us in, but moreso to serve a warning that we had better run and dodge that bullet before we're the next victim.

 

I understand that 10 months seems like a long time, especially this day in age... but you haven't even had a year together.

I would say cut the cord and let him handle his drama. Just because Misery loves company, doesn't mean you have to be it's company. You can walk away. Yes you'll hurt, Yes you'll miss him. But over time, you'll see youre better off. He's not in a good place and shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone right now.

 

He has a lot of drama to sort through, and I promise you, while he may say you can't leave him (Thats just misery calling, looking for its company), you need to. All this relationship is going to do is drag you down until the pain is so bad that it wont matter if you stay or go. I'd say prevent any further pain and walk now. Otherwise youre just dragging a dead horse around with the hopes that it will spring back to life... Good Luck

[staysound]

Hi InkedBrunette, thank you for your reply. No I don't have children, but I'd like to stress on the fact that it was me who made it clear to him he needed to talk to his ex about how he feels, so their 'team' can actualy be one, for their sake and especialy the child's sake, feeling still so guilty after 5 years, I am fully aware, guilt is what he should feel, and he has been feeling this since the day their relationship took a turn for the worst, he didn't as much walk out and certainly didn't abandone her, he is not that kind of guy at all, she threw him out after his confessions and has been acting quite passive aggressive and pretty controlling towards him, but it is getting better as far as I can see.. I'm not judging her on this, and frankly, it isn't about her because mutual friends have told me she has dealt with it, got a new relationship, hunkey dory and so on... although I do think that's the most optimistic view and not the complete reality of it all...

 

I càn handle single parents, his little girl and I were getting more and more adjusted to one another, what I can't handle is skeletons in the closet, and I found out it's a big one and I told him he needed to deal with this first before getting into a relationship.

I said for his or (maybe.. ) our sake he needed to talk to her and needed to try to finally put the past where it belongs otherwise he will never be able to be truly happy, not alone and definitely not with somebody new.

He took my words of advise into immediate effect and 3 days later they are having their talk, so I do feel that he is partly doing this for me also...

 

but I will always feel second best, even if he doesn't see it that way, it sure feels that way.

 

I can honestly say he is one of the sweetest, warmest most honest person I have *ever* met in my life, and I truly mean that, calling him a jerk you will never hear me do, I have an immense level of respect for him, and I know he feels the same about me.

I think he just stopped living after what happened or is really struggling to try and have a life only to be catapulted right back again every time he sees his little girl and he can't seem to quit his nostalgia about his ex because of all these lingering feelings of guilt.

 

That doesn't mean however, that I should be the one watching this unfold.

I worked hard to be where I am now emotionally and although he's not necessarily pulling me down, he isn't pulling me up either.

 

And about taking the backseat, I totally agree, but a backseat is not the same as feeling second best..

 

Ugh.

[nutbrownhare]

Sadly, you need to break up. Heartbreaking as it will be, the longer you leave it and the more attached you get, the worse it will be for you in the long term. Being in a relationship with someone who's very emotionally involved with someone else DOES leave you feeling second best and - short of an outright abusive relationship - is one of the most soul-destroying, self-esteem bashing experiences you can have.

 

His relationship (in the loosest sense) with this girl is a matter for them to sort out, and if he's only having the 'talk' with her to please you - rather than a deep-seated, determined conviction on his part, it will not be long before things are back to square one. I agree with you about what he 'needs' to do, and I don't think you're being unreasonable in the general scheme of things - but if he were willing to take seriously the actions you suggest he'd have done it before now. It's not easy. I recently left an otherwise promising relationship because I could see that I'd be feeling used and sidelined if I stayed in it - and decided to quit before that happened.

 

End this as soon as you can. Hanging on in there and waiting will only prolong the pain. I'd also make sure you're feeling in a good place yourself when you contact him - make sure you've got something really nice to look forward to, or that someone will be waiting to keep you company afterwards.

 

It's a really awful situation not of your own making, and now you need to walk away from it.

 

(((HUGS)))

[staysound]

thank you so much Nutbrownhare for your comforting words...

It is heartbreaking indeed because really, and this is the biggest reason why, I really mean it when I say I think he is a gem of a person. Consistent, honest, loyal, humble, anything you name it, a really good boyfriend.

 

'But' ...

 

He's definitely not doing this solely for me (or us), he's doing it because it's *time*.

The past few months he wasn't able to sleep through the night, he felt tired all the time, he became well... kind of boring even.. not very lively.. so I decided to once and for all really dig in deep with him about what was really going on because frankly, not that I think he didn't know himself, I do think I weed out other possibilities of him feeling so... depressed actualy.

 

So I know he will have this talk for him and I know he has some hopes over this talk.. what these are specifically, I'm not sure.. and that's also one of the reasons for me feeling second best.

I mean, if Disney were real I really think he dreams of a reconciliation...he says that would be impossible because she would never open her heart to him again.

 

I know I need to walk away, I told him yesterday to now give me a couple of days and then to collect his stuff.

Only respons to that until now has been 'tsss....' (bit patronizing if you ask me... :s )

[staysound]

and about 'would have done it long ago' I dunno.. I know him a little by now and he was soooo convinced she wouldn't be open to any kind of conversation, 'if we didn't have the kid I would never have heard a word from her again' stuff and soooo stuck in this idea, I think I helped lifting that assumption.

I think his previous relationship partner only wanted to confirm his fears out of fear of losing him, while I just care too much for him to see him hurt like this..

[RedDress]

I think you are in love and romanticizing things a bit.

 

I think that you are right that this conversation is about reconciliation (or an attempt). If he was just sorry, there are lots of ways to show remorse and turning a new leaf while being in a relationship. He could apologize. He figure out her and his daughter's needs and try to meet them. He could be generally more helpful. He could offer to take the daughter whenever the mom needs a break. Lots of stuff. Sorry to be a bit blunt and crude - but to underline my point - making amends does not need to involve sticking his wang in it (if you know what I mean).

 

I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone else. Don't you want to be with someone who is absolutely clear about wanting to be with YOU?

 

In all honesty, I think you know in your heart what you need to do. You are having a hard time because you saw a lot of 'potential'. But really (sorry to be all harsh again) - this guy isn't really good dating material, despite being kind, etc. He was all wishy-washy. Left his pregnant gf high and dry. Is being all wishy-washy with you. Now he wants to go back. This guy doesn't really think about how his actions affect other people. He thinks about what HE wants (and doesn't seem to be clear about that).

 

If you love him, you should leave him. You say you don't want to hurt him, but he was basically asking to be single when he asked to 'take a break'. He wants his freedom. I think you should give it to him. Completely. And not look back.

[Ms Darcy]

he can't seem to quit his nostalgia about his ex because of all these lingering feelings of guilt.

 

This, to me, is it's own red flag. Residual feelings about an ex are often about more than guilt. May be more going on in his heart than you know.

[staysound]

Hi Reddress,

 

"I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone else. Don't you want to be with someone who is absolutely clear about wanting to be with YOU?"

 

well, I don't, that's why the only way I see it I need to break up with him, last time we spoke face to face I asked if this is what he wanted (break up) and he said he didn't, just needed a few days to sort out his feelings about having this talk and about getting 'past this'.

I do however also feel like he would really want to reconcile with her, especially after he called me yesterday to inform me they were going to have this talk after his 'daughter-day' today, so tonight when he drops her, I suspect, they are meeting.

So he called to inform me about that and that he was actually looking forward to it.. okay... I guess...

and then he said "look, *pet name*, it's time out for now.."

 

Which, when that phrase sunk in with me, got to me, and I texted him I don't do 'time outs' and he can collect his stuff in a few days. Clear no?

He only replied with 'tsss'. Probably 'cause he feels I'm blowing things up for no need, something in the like I assume.

I haven't responded to his 'tsss'.

 

I agree that I should now stick to my guns.. about him wanting to be free, no further from the truth, he wants a family, a real one, and I actually believe he wants this with her and not with anybody else.

Sad, I can't see how that could *ever* happen after what happened between them, but I guess you never know..

 

additional info; when we were just going out, after a month or 3 or so, I asked him how he felt about his ex and what he would do if she would want to get back together for some miracle reason. He then said he would only consider it for the benefit of the child but even then it would probably never happen and that this was completely done and over with.

Quite a shocker for me that it hasn't. I always kind of felt he couldn't completely open up to me, but he said this is just how he is, extremely reserved and introvert person... yeah.. Guess not..

[staysound]

This, to me, is it's own red flag. Residual feelings about an ex are often about more than guilt. May be more going on in his heart than you know.

 

Yes.. the reality of that hit me as well...

[RedDress]

well, I don't, that's why the only way I see it I need to break up with him, last time we spoke face to face I asked if this is what he wanted (break up) and he said he didn't, just needed a few days to sort out his feelings about having this talk and about getting 'past this'.

[...]

and then he said "look, *pet name*, it's time out for now.."

 

In other words, he wants his cake and to eat it too. He wants to make sure that you are still on the back-burner in case a reconciliation attempt doesn't work out. I mean, hey! Why blow things up completely when you don't have to, right? You are the backup plan.

 

You are banking on the idea that she won't want him back. So - if she rejects him, you can have him. But... I mean... will you really "have" him? Or will you have him until maybe she changes her mind, or maybe something else catches his fancy, etc.

 

You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is crazy about you (we all do). With someone who fears the thought of losing you and wouldn't jeopardize that for anything.

 

I'm so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. But I'm not saying this stuff in an attempt to be mean... You need to leave. Really.

[catfeeder]

I would tell the guy, "I adore you and can envision us together in the future someday, but I'm going to walk away while we both think highly of one another so that you can resolve your ghosts without my influence. If you're ever over your ex completely and have resolved these issues in 6 months or year, you can contact me to see if I'm still available if you want to. If so, we can meet to catch up."

 

No ultimatums or stamping anything with 'forever,' I'd just exit a scene where I don't belong and can only do harm. I'd grieve, heal and move forward with my own life.

 

If the guy is a meant-to-be deal, he'll work out his own stuff and let you know.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone else. Don't you want to be with someone who is absolutely clear about wanting to be with YOU?

 

This is the bottom line.

[staysound]

first off thank you so much RedDress and other for commenting on my issue, I'm really comforted by this..

 

you are right, that is exactly how I feel, a back up plan and I really do consider myself too valuable of being treated in this manner, because I built hard on my self esteem and confidence and I will not allow him or anybody else to think I will let this slide, not him, not his ex, not me.

So I won't.

 

I know I need to leave, and it is breaking my heart, we really felt good together and I was really proud you know, to come outside with him, everybody was so happy we were together, my friends, his friends, my family, his family most of all, they almost put me on a pedestal.. his mom told me just a few days ago how he looks different, like something's changed in him for the better, he looks better all that kind of stuff... I guess she was just being overly friendly to me or something I don't know..

 

I'm so extremely ready to be in a relationship and having the concept of a family that I'm holding on to strong I think... it's hard letting this one go but I've done harder things in my life, this too shall pass...

 

I'll let him call me if he wants to and explain himself, again, if he wants to, I am still wanting to know how it went, but I need to let go of the 'what if's' and consider myself single again.

 

Strangely, in my home, I already feel that way, although all of his stuff is here, I do mean all of it, his apartment is completely empty except his bed.. but I do feel my home is my shelter again.

[staysound]

I would tell the guy, "I adore you and can envision us together in the future someday, but I'm going to walk away while we both think highly of one another so that you can resolve your ghosts without my influence. If you're ever over your ex completely and have resolved these issues in 6 months or year, you can contact me to see if I'm still available if you want to. If so, we can meet to catch up."

 

No ultimatums or stamping anything with 'forever,' I'd just exit a scene where I don't belong and can only do harm. I'd grieve, heal and move forward with my own life.

 

If the guy is a meant-to-be deal, he'll work out his own stuff and let you know.

 

I love every word of this, thank you very much.

[staysound]

I don't understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to be in a relationship with someone else. Don't you want to be with someone who is absolutely clear about wanting to be with YOU?

 

 

This is the bottom line.

 

I know. And I don't. Only it wasn't as clear before as it is starting to be clear to me now..