I think I'm losing him

[bluemoon]

My depression has relapsed and all this week I have been feeling really off lately.

Last night my boyfriend said something that triggered and unleashed all fear in me. I'm extremely sensitive so and prone to OCD thinking.

I've had these OCD thoughts since I experienced the first bout of fear. Since then my mind has been trying to pick the relationship apart.

I said some things to my boyfriend last night that I'm not proud of due to my insecurity and I've apologised and tried to explain, yet I still tried to push him away because at one point he just said he was going to sleep and this triggered my fear of abandonment which I have experienced before because when he is upset and tired he just likes to sleep on it, whereas I'm the opposite.. I can't sleep until something is resolved. I made the mistake of suggesting a break up again in order to protect myself from being hurt only for him to say

'I'm not happy anymore'

 

It turns out my mood swings and anxiety have been taking a toll on him. I try not to let it seep into our relationship but it does get to me sometimes because we mostly sit in one of the rooms in his house and we never really go out independently on dates- this has added to my anxiety.

 

I don't want to add anymore emotional baggage to him and his life because I really love him, but it really doesn't feel like he's willing any more.

 

And it hurts because I've been pushing him away and now I've finally succeeded and pretty much hate myself for it.

and what's worse is that we let this escalate over text messaging really late at night when we were both fragile, it could have all been avoided in its early stages

 

He's been vague at replying today.. which means he is thinking it over and I can sense his uncertainty.

 

I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him from my life, he was my friend first and I was scared to enter into a relationship with him for this solid reason in the first place..

[mhowe]

Are you on medication? If not, why not?

If so, does it need to be adjusted?

 

Dealing with someone with depression is very difficult.

[bluemoon]

Yes, but it's not working. I switched medication about 2 weeks because it was making me too groggy, this one is a lower dose and i'm experiencing far more side effects of it.

I know I'll eventually get it right and manage the depression but I'm just so confused about the relationship. I don't know if it's my depression+anxiety that is ruining this relationship or flaws in the relationship itself

[1a1a]

I'm thinking, focus on getting depression under control. You may need to let this one go, he doesn't sound like a good match for you in terms of emotional needs anyway and if the commonalities are there, after time, you can be friends again.

[bluemoon]

you're right but I know that it will take me a good year to get myself back in track and as soon as I'm confident and happy someone else will walk into my life and then the cycle repeats and I'll become anxious again. I don't want to give up on this only to fall into my old patterns again. I want to fight for it.

He doesn't really know how to handle my emotions and I often feel more hopeless after, but I have seen a little bit of improvement. I just don't know any more at this point. I know that he makes me happy, I just wish my feelings weren't so complicated and circumstancial

[mhowe]

He makes YOU happy --- you don't make HIM happy.

 

And he is no longer willing to be an emotional crutch.

[Tearsbegone]

Does he fully understand your conditions? I find a lot of people don't really understand and then just want to leave, but once they are educated they feel like they can stay. One idea might be to have him meet with a therapist (I assume you have one?) and have them explain everything to him. Then the two of you can sit down and really figure out ways to work through this- like if you are feeling a certain way you need to have some space and during those times he needs to do things that he enjoys. You really want to avoid either one of you feeling bad for your conditions. You also want to avoid him playing caretaker, although that doesn't sound like it's happening. Finally as hard as it is, you will have to come to a place where when you feel like your pushing him away to try and distract yourself from those thoughts- perhaps start a journal on here instead when you feel that way instead of talking to him.

 

Meds help, but only so much. I've been in a similar state and know that if both parties are understanding and willing to set boundaries you can make it work.

[bluemoon]

The only reason he is unhappy is because I am unhappy and I take it out on him. I blame the thing closest to me - our relationship. I focus my worries on that,

It's completely unfair on him... last night I reached a breaking point I think.. i didn't realise it was affecting him.

He's said he's only felt this for the past week but otherwise has been content and happy with me.. it's because he thinks I'm not 100% happy with him, I think he wants the best for me and also the best for myself.

[poetryandlyrics]

Well. You should never expect someone to handle your emotions. Blaming them or whatever. That's your job. You created a hostile environment that he doesn't feel secure in this relationship anymore to want to continue it.

 

Just learn from this lesson and work on your emotions. It isn't fair for him to expect him to accept this. Only thing you can do now is concentrate on yourself.

[bluemoon]

I think he does.. but he can't fully relate because he hasn't experienced it before. He said he has tried to imagine what it's like for me but then when he does feels absolutely horrible and hopeless. I think it scares him a little because we're quite young and this in return makes me feel hopeless. I do believe tho that with time learning to manage it can be done. I guess he sort of feels at this point.. that he's not sure if he can handle it because it's affecting him too.

 

I don't have a therapist as I can't afford it... i also believe that this is the best way. I have tried to talk to my parents but they are adamant that it would be a waste of money and time because they assume that I have to make a visible change with myself first before I deserve therapy.. so I have to prove to them that I am strong enough to do the work... but this has been what I've been struggling with because I don't get any support from home. I don't have any support from friends because I choose not to burden them with my feelings- as they have enough on their plate and when I try to seek support from my boyfriend he doesn't know how to react. I'm pretty much alone with this - that's why I 100% need therapy. My Doctor said to me that Counselling has been ineffective on my part because I already know where my problem zones are and that counselling would not be focused enough. She also said that meds would help me through in the mean time and that I should seek therapy in my mid twenties.

 

That seems like a good idea, the boundary setting and the journalling.. I've done journalling before but when life started getting busy and I started to feel suffocated by the fact I had an obligation to write I stopped. To ease this pressure from myself I told myself the journalling wasn't an obligation rather a tool to help me feel better and if I skipped a day I would be okay.. I have a hard time following things through. I feel like nothing is ever good enough and then I get fearful again. My mind is such an irrational pain in the ass

[bluemoon]

Well. You should never expect someone to handle your emotions. Blaming them or whatever. That's your job. You created a hostile environment that he doesn't feel secure in this relationship anymore to want to continue it.

 

Just learn from this lesson and work on your emotions. It isn't fair for him to expect him to accept this. Only thing you can do now is concentrate on yourself.

 

You're right. I never once expected him to handle my emotions, but when I'm in the moment it feels 100% real because fear does that to you. The most irrational feeling feels justified because in that moment fear wins over. I have tried to tell him a few times that it wasn't anything personal and that our interaction triggered my fear. He gets too involved and takes it personal when I wish he would be able to see through it and go 'hang on, she's being anxious' and to just bring it to my attention and maybe give some reassurance and kind words. I only just realise after we argue and then I feel more horrible for acting the way I did to begin with

[poetryandlyrics]

That's not his responsibility to see you through it, be patient, hold off his emotions (when you can't), and give you reassurances. That's yours.

 

Forget about him now. I'm not saying that line in any cruel now but rather as a lead up to: you need to absolutely concentrate on yourself and how you can manage your own emotions without expecting anyone to handle you in any way. That's your job to do if you want a successful relationship.

[bluemoon]

That's not his responsibility to see you through it, be patient, hold off his emotions (when you can't), and give you reassurances. That's yours.

 

Forget about him now. I'm not saying that line in any cruel now but rather as a lead up to: you need to absolutely concentrate on yourself and how you can manage your own emotions without expecting anyone to handle you in any way. That's your job to do if you want a successful relationship.

 

I don't want him to see me through it... I want him to be aware if I do slip up, is that too much to request? I'm asking him to adapt a little bit to the circumstances while I undergo the process of healing myself. It's asking for some support..

[poetryandlyrics]

He doesn't really know how to handle my emotions

 

I wish he would be able to see through it and go 'hang on, she's being anxious' and to just bring it to my attention and maybe give some reassurance and kind words.

 

I'm only repeating what you said, in the way of that... He should not be doing this. And then you reply that you don't want him to. But you see the contradiction? I'm not being mean, but you have to realize that this is your first thought if you write it down like that. So essentially, you want him still there, able to shoulder your burden. The quotes above do imply it that you want him to understand, handle it, deal with you, etc. I get it, but honestly... You need time alone to deal with you before you share yourself with another person. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you get to share your burdens and expect him to know how it is with you. Being in a relationship means you get to handle your own burdens, but he still supports you by leaving you alone when you need to handle it or a listening ear once in a while. He is not your caretaker, your bodyguard, your teacher, your helper... Whatever. That's your therapist. He has his own burden too. Having your burden on top of his is going to make him break, and see, he's breaking right now.

 

In a relationship, you come in it with needs (they better be healthy needs), but so does he.

He's giving you your needs, but you're definitely not meeting his needs. It becomes skewed because you're dependent on him for what he should do, if it should be this, should be that. Ways to go around you. Words to say to calm you down. Action to do when you're being like that. Etc. That's not right. This relationship becomes an entity for you, and not both (that includes him, you know).

He's breaking under this weight.

[lavenderdove]

>>The only reason he is unhappy is because I am unhappy and I take it out on him

 

If that is the case, then you need to raise your own sense of self awareness.

 

I remember when I was young, I realized I had a pattern of getting REALLY cranky for a day or two a month when I had PMS, and would pick a fight with my BF once a month, though the rest of the time I got on with him just fine. When I finally realized the pattern, and that it was related to mood shifts caused by changes in hormone levels, I resolved that I would NOT ever start a discussion/fight with him because it was something that was MY problem and I needed to learn to deal with it.

 

So you now are aware and KNOW these discussions are triggered by emotional/biochemical issues, so you need to just set a resolve that no matter what, you will not bring these issues up at the time, and will make yourself wait at least one week from the initial thought/worry until you are even allowed to think about discussing it. But mostly you shouldn't discuss it with him at all, just take it to your journal and into counseling sessions rather than taking it out on your BF.

 

So resolve that starting today, you will tell him you are sorry but you think your anxiety is doing the talking, and you have resolved to not have a single discussion about this with him for the next month to give it a rest. You will go jogging, or do yoga, or journal, or watch TV, anything that prevents these negative discussions and fights, but you will not engage with him nor bring negativity into the relationship. You may not be able to control all these thoughts, but you can control what you do about them, and how you react to them, and you can quit turning these thoughts into negative actions and using him as a lightning rod for your anxiety.

[mmnyc5052]

For now I would focus on yourself. I know not all people are the same, and medication works for some, but being someone who has gone through bouts of mild depression, sadness, emptiness…yeah it sucks. But for me medication made me feel like a zombie, even worse at times. What helped me, and what I have completely subscribed to, is teaching yourself a new way of thinking; you may need to see a therapist to aid in that, but it is up to YOU alone to change the way your mind works. When negative or obsessive thoughts enter your head, it is ok to acknowledge them, but do not entertain them. Ask yourself, is there a reason I need to think this way? What is the REALITY of the situation? Try breathing exercises. Take three, very long, deep breaths whenever you get anxious. Train your mind not to go to that dark place.

 

Also, exercising helps so much. It sounds cliche but its true. It is physically impossible to be anxious when you are working out. Even 20 minutes a day walking or jogging, or on an elliptical will help WORLDS. As for him…give him space. You can let him know you are truly working on yourself.

[tumbles]

This is a good post!

 

What mmny is referring to is cognitive therapy. Bummer you cannot afford a therapist right now, but truth be told, is that a therapist only introduces you to the techniques and sends you home with exercises to practice with. There are tons of resources online and in print that do the same job as the therapist. You can get by.

 

Regarding the meds, yep, some of them can have some nasty side affects. You might consider trying Inositol powder as an alternative. It can be very affective but without the typical SSRI (or whatever) side effects link removed.

 

I read 99% of the posts on this thread, but didn't see anything much said about some of the dynamics of your relationship.

Can the BF say "I love you"?

Is he "Emotionally available"?

Can you have intimate conversations?

Does he compliment you?

Does he share his past/feelings/future with you?

Do you come first before others?

Have you had to deal with stonewalling, gaslighting ...?

 

Often triggers don't happen so easily unless there is a void elsewhere in the relationship.

Try to answer this objectively without self blame (which you're pretty good at btw), is there something your BF could do to increase your confidence in this relationship so that ... going to sleep won't trigger an attack?

 

tumbles