Help - feeling worse!

[ksm1988]

Soooo, it is 7 months and counting since the dreaded breakup and I honestly feel like I am falling further and further down the depression hole!

 

We are completely no contact, I saw him on Saturday night and he was hand in hand with a girl, but I did not react and just went somewhere else to avoid the situation. I go to work, i see friends, I make plans for the future...basically I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. As well as diaryu writing, positive affirmations etc etc.

 

The truth of it is though, I feel horrific. My medication (antidepressants) have been increased twice due to my lack of progress. I see a counsellor who specialises in CBT. I honestly wish I didnt wake up on occasions - i would never act on these thoughts but I dont know what to do. I am still desperately in love with my ex and feel like my life is worthless and there must be something seriously wrong with me for him to not want to be with me.

 

I dont see a way out of this and I dont know what to do. Any advice on how people have got through this would be great as I feel completely lost.

[Kendahke]

How long were you together?

 

I went through a really rough time when my ex dumped me. We'd been together for 13 years at the time and to be honest, it took me about 2 1/2 years to really be done with him. I felt myself being able to come up out of it around the 13 month mark, but not by much. I saw a therapist and went on anti anxiety medication, but honestly, the only thing that helped was time.

 

I know at the 7 month mark for me, I was pretty much where you are... not wanting to wake up, not wanting to be bothered with people, going to work, coming home and crying every day, feeling my life was worthless; thinking there was something wrong with me, etc., etc.

 

You're in the teeth of the storm right now and it's a rough ride, to say the least. But it will abate and let you go. It's just something you have to go through and not around--because it will wait on you to go through it, so you might as well submit and let it have its way to do its job so it can be gone.

 

Just try to be kind to yourself and not push yourself beyond your endurance right now.

[ksm1988]

Thank you! Its just sometimes nice to know you are not alone!

 

We were together 2 years and lived together. It was an intense relationship and I truly loved him and wanted 'the works' with him. Unfrotunately I stayed in the relationship longer than I should have and allowed him to chip away at my self esteem.

 

He is not a nasty man but when one person doesnt want the relationship, they become aloof and emotionally withdrawn and that hurt me massively. He also made it quite clear he wasnt bothered if I was there or not. At that point I should have left but I didnt, i stayed and allowed him to finish with me.

 

I moved out and for a couple of months tried to get back together with him, until I got fed up with embarrassing myself. Once his friends had blocked me on Facebook I realised that there really was no point.

 

Anyway, sorry I am rambling. He is so together and just doesnt care about me in the slightest, so the rejection as well as the loss has just tipped me over the edge.

 

I cant imagine ever loving again or even not pining for my ex. I honestly felt he was the love of my life and through my actions - demanding too much of him, being too emotional, I ruined any chance of lasting happiness.

 

He is now with someone else or at least actively pursuing women and its like a knife to the heart.

[sharky988]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Please remember to start the clock when you began NC -- not at the time of the breakup. I have a feeling it hasn't been that long and that your healing is probably going along much as it normally does given that timeframe.

 

That probably doesn't help you FEEL better in the moment, but even if you had gone NC from the day of the breakup you'd only be seven months along. As Kendahke says, even then most people aren't fully over a breakup.

 

Are you working out hard almost every day? That's another tool to help you feel better that you can start using now if you're not already. It REALLY makes a difference.

 

If you haven't seen it, here's a guide that might help you as well: link removed

[ksm1988]

Thank you for the advice!

 

I have seen that guide before, but it is always useful to read it again. I feel like I look at so much and read so much and do as much as I can to help myself but that its all an act and deep down I feel as hopeless and lost as ever.

 

I just want to be able to look at him and think fondly of the time we had together but know it was for the best and that I deserve someone who loves me as much as I love them and i deserve better treatment than he was able to provide.

 

Easier said than done though and I hoenstly dont think that will ever happen.

 

In answer to your question, I work out about 3-4 times a week, work depending!

 

Thank you xx

[Kendahke]

I cant imagine ever loving again or even not pining for my ex. I honestly felt he was the love of my life and through my actions - demanding too much of him, being too emotional, I ruined any chance of lasting happiness.

 

Right now, it may be more than you can bear to imagine opening up your heart again, but trust me when I tell you this: you will. This will blow over and you will stop pining for him. Time will take care of it if you submit yourself to the process. If you resist, then it'll take longer. And I know--I know--it's hard. But for the sake of your sanity, give yourself that gift of moving forward in your life one step at a time--even if they're baby steps, one step/one day at a time.

 

I said the same thing as you; and I tried getting out and dating way too soon and it blew up in my face. I didn't meet any good guys because I was not in a good place for quite a while. He was with a younger, wealthier woman who had no problem interfering in our relationship and he had no problem allowing her to interfere in our relationship, even as he was trying to get me to be his piece on the side, which was the ultimate insult. It wasn't until November of this past year that I nailed the door shut on him and told him that I was done; I had met someone (it turned out to be a catfish, but the good thing about that experience was that it got my ex out of my life for good) and wanted to see where things went. What I didn't do was put all my eggs in that one basket (thank God!); I was talking to another gentleman at the same time by the end of January who is for real and is who he says he is and he wants a relationship with me and I want one with him. He's the most confident man I've ever met in my life.

 

 

He is now with someone else or at least actively pursuing women and its like a knife to the heart.

 

It is now, but one day, you will feel pity for anyone he gets with because you will know what he's capable of and you will feel indifferent towards him. He will have faded back into the recesses of your memories like other things which lose their importance in your life.

 

Have courage, darlin'.

[ksm1988]

It is now, but one day, you will feel pity for anyone he gets with because you will know what he's capable of and you will feel indifferent towards him. He will have faded back into the recesses of your memories like other things which lose their importance in your life.

 

Have courage, darlin'.

 

I am praying for that day! I cannot imagine ever feeling that way. I know that millions of people have been through breakups before and im certainly not the first! I think i had some self esteem issues before this relationship and so this was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak and I have just hit my rock bottom so far in my life.

 

I just want to not care about him and most importantly, not want the guy back.

 

It gives me courage that others have felt like this and come out the other side! xxx

[gxzone]

Hi ksm1988,

 

I'm much earlier in the cycle and going around the forums interacting with others because I feel it helps me. That said, I felt like responding yesterday but I didn't.

 

11 Months seems a long time, but in you and Kendahke's case, the relationships seems to have been more intense than mine. Mine was completely online (except one 4 hour meeting in person which effectively ended it). I hope mine heals faster than you explain. Although I was 7 months into her in 'that way', I knew and talked to her fondly on FB since 2010 on and off. As time went on we started to talk more and more and when she broke up we found each other.

 

I wonder what is allowed and not allowed in NC. I mean, I have a friend who still has my ex's facebook, so he may have access to some new info. Last Sat I found out she got straight A's in her classes, which honestly should be a relief, since I thought she was also hurting from our breakup. In a way though, it might have been 'new' info that broke NC and I felt like maybe I took a step or two back, - like she is doing JUST FINE without me and going further and further out of my reach.

 

That being said, although I'm only 12 days NC and just about 2 months since the specific incident that caused my current state, I do feel like I'm overall better. My mornings are not as gloom and doom when I wake up (maybe better sleep has to do with this?).

 

ksm1988, I would maybe suggest (if you haven't already) to take a journal of your progress and how you feel. You might be surprised to find out your older entries sound much worse than your newer ones. It seems you are doing everything you can and I would just say continue, plus try to increase the NC. Seeing him with another girl cannot be good for you.

 

Have you begun to entertain the idea of another guy? As you are a girl, you must get approached by men on occasion? I've always thought it would be harder for the guy since we have to do the initiation to meet women. Anything requiring effort seems really difficult to me right now, but you know what? Before I even went NC I saw a pretty girl that I somehow, some way managed to work up courage to go ask out. She had a bf, but it was not a failure, it was a success that I was even able to do this! I remember feeling great for the rest of that particular day before the next morning came...

 

Perhaps an accomplishment or two that makes you realize you CAN go on and do things you used to do when you were 'normal' will help you. I mean, all of us in this state is purely psychological. We just look at the exact same things happening in our lives in a negative perspective - nothing really has changed, life ALWAYS has ups and downs, but we get downer about the downs and don't get as happy at the ups because everything just seems to suck. I would also maybe consider to push yourself to accomplish something (I know, it will seem many times as difficult and stressful, so proceed with caution - I'm not an expert). If you succeed, it may help you climb out faster.

 

I know one thing that is easy for me in my current state is exercising, since I feel a DIRE need for it. I've already feel myself fitter and lost weight just because I need it so bad. I've also retouched with old friends which I could not prior to being in this state - due to my need for company. I used to be kind of a lone wolf and not too social. I also feel claustrophobic in small areas in this state, so it has helped force me to clean up my room (something I haven't done for a decade as effective as I currently have it!). Maybe look for the good of this situation, I feel more sensitive to other's feelings, more forced to be social, more forced to go outside and be active and live healthy. I also feel more pressure for time in my life to be successful, maybe it can translate to going back to school for a masters, or getting some certifications, traveling more, trying new things more, finding new passions...it CAN be a motivator just because we need these things more. As one of my very influential college professors once said, use your disadvantages to your advantage! (He was in a wheelchair his entire life). He was an incredibly successful and positive person. We should learn from him.

 

Last night I had a blackout in my home. I couldn't do anything, but it made me realize a lot of the things I have, like a roof over my head, a place where I can feel safe, and warm (due to gas stove) and just relax. Since I accepted that I could not do anything last night, I didn't feel any pressure to get anything done. It was shockingly relaxing and therapeutic. I was very disappointed when I woke up and noticed there was power, haha.

 

Also, by some sheer coincidence your name ksm1988 is the exact initials of my ex and the year she was born. You story is clearly different than hers but I hope this is not effecting my NC...

 

And for the record, I had a really bad breakup 13 years ago. I don't remember much of it but clearly I came out the other side despite not even doing NC. I think by the year mark I was well on the way to recovery, and felt quite a bit better after 6 months. My ex actually took less than 2 months to get a new BF and it was actually not a rebound. The fact she got a BF might have been helpful to me because I gave up hope of getting her back.

 

My 13 year ago ex is on my Facebook and we are 'normal' friends. We talk on occasion and she is married and I could care less. I do have fond memories of her and do respect her, but they don't hurt, so a full recovery is possible (and it didn't take 13 years, don't worry!).

 

Hope there is something in there that might give you some clues or ideas to help you along.