Boyfriend took advantage of me while I was drunk

[poetryandlyrics]

This isn't a matter of victim blaming, this is a matter of adapting oneself to better protect oneself from future incidents. "What can I do to avoid future situations" accepts responsibility for personal destiny, whereas yes, it's his fault she was anal raped, but as the old line goes, fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

 

Getting blackout drunk is high risk behavior, when you engage in high risk behavior there is a very good chance bad things might happen to you. That's why they call it "high risk!" When you engage in high risk activity, you essentially show the people around you that you don't care about yourself and you don't care what happens, so why then should they care for you?

 

No, taking that stance places all the focus on her, her actions, her behavior, her attire, whatever. She's in the spotlight and she shouldn't be. We all should be safe enough to get sh-t faced drunk, if we wanted to, and still be safe. Adjusting our behavior and such does the rapist no good, but rather encourages them that it's only because she ____ that you lacked control, making the decision to rape her.

 

Being involved in a high risk drinking doesn't mean others can look at her and decide she just doesn't care. That's a rapist's mindset, believing that somehow connects to being raped because she doesn't protect her body enough. A high risk activity should only be her risking herself (possible alcohol poisoning for instance), not making her exposed to the risks of others.

[pl3asehelp]

Break up with your boyfriend and don't drink so much in the future. You're both at fault. His is like leaving your car unlocked with they'd in it in the ghetto. Sure, it's wrong for someone to steal your car, but there's a lot you can do to parent it from happening and if you don't do these things, hey just happen over and over and you lose.

[Lonewing]

No, taking that stance places all the focus on her, her actions, her behavior, her attire, whatever. She's in the spotlight and she shouldn't be. We all should be safe enough to get sh-t faced drunk, if we wanted to, and still be safe. Adjusting our behavior and such does the rapist no good, but rather encourages them that it's only because she ____ that you lacked control, making the decision to rape her.

 

There is no point in our life when we should be free to engage in irresponsible activity and expect nothing to happen to us, particularly once we're adults. If You engage in risky behavior, bad things will happen to you, that's what I have been taught my entire life, hence, there's a number of activities I don't engage in because the potential outcomes do not in any way measure up to the benefits or enjoyment I could get out of that activity. Rock climbing is one such activity, particularly rock climbing without a rope. Face jumping, high speed racing, and yes, getting sh-t faced drunk are all on my list of "Risky behaviors I shouldn't do if I value my life, limb and property."

 

If bad things are happening to you, and you don't like bad things happening to you, then it's time to take a good look at the things you can control in your environment and make the necessary changes.

 

The rape happened because he did it, but regardless of the beliefs of the "We should be able to do anything we want and not be responsible for anything!" crowd, we DO play a role in what things happen to us.

[poetryandlyrics]

This is why we have a rape culture going on here, shifting the focus on what she did instead and not on him. Certainly not helping all rape survivors. I'm out.

[pl3asehelp]

The only place to responsibly drink to the point of blacking out would be in a jail cell by yourself with no objects in it. Anywhere else, this is akin to saying 'I'm going to suspend my knowledge of reality where I know the world has some bad people in it and pretend that nobody wants to hurt me'. It's not your fault when someone hurts you in this state and it is wrong of them, but you also could have prevented it frm happening so if you choose not to, you are making reckless voices and not looking out for yourself - bad idea.

[pl3asehelp]

This is why we have a rape culture going on here, shifting the focus on what she did instead and not on him. Certainly not helping all rape survivors. I'm out.

 

Well she can't control anyone's actions but her own, which is kind of the point. If you want to lower your chances of being raped, maintain control of yourself so you don't have to rely on others to behave, which you're well aware that they don't always do.. That won't prevent it, by it will certainly reduce the chances and isn't that the goal here, to not be taken advantage of?

[Lonewing]

This is why we have a rape culture going on here, shifting the focus on what she did instead and not on him. Certainly not helping all rape survivors. I'm out.

 

Rape culture is as old as our theft culture and our murder culture. It's not new, and while it's always the crook's fault, there is a ton of things we can do as individuals to decrease the likeliness that those crimes might happen to us.

 

The focus is on what she did because those things are within her control. She can change these things. Blaming your environment for your woes has never been a productive means by which one changes their destiny. Remaining in a bad environment only ensures bad things will continue to happen.

 

Getting black-out drunk is classified as a form of alcohol abuse, under the category binge drinking, as bad or worse as any other form of alcoholism.

[Lorem Ipsum]

Well she can't control anyone's actions but her own, which is kind of the point. If you want to lower your chances of being raped, maintain control of yourself so you don't have to rely on others to behave, which you're well aware that they don't always do.. That won't prevent it, by it will certainly reduce the chances and isn't that the goal here, to not be taken advantage of?

I agree with you to a point as it is entirely possible to be stone cold sober, wearing a dirty uniform, standing at a bus stop by yourself under a street light and have some maniac decide to assault you. In a perfect world, yes, you should be able to go about your business wearing whatever you want at any time of day and not have someone decide to assault you... but it's not a perfect world. And because of that, we all have to exercise some degree of vigilance in public. Vigilance that should not be necessary in private around those we trust.

 

I don't want to blame the victim but he does have a point... if she hadn't gotten that drunk, this never would have happened as she has been completely clear that she isn't interested in that and would never have consented while sober (or mildly drunk). She chose to get that drunk (for whatever reason) and she chose to trust that the people closest to her would take care of her/respect her sober wishes... but they didn't, they abused her and her trust. She didn't deserve that -- no one does. I'm not saying that this is a "punishment" (in any way) of getting that drunk or even a consequence. For all we know, she may get drunk/party every weekend and nothing has ever gone wrong before.

 

OP, you did nothing wrong. You trusted a stupid, selfish person and he took advantage of you when you were at your most vulnerable -- which is not cool. There's no way to know if he's done this before, if he will do it in the future (to you or others) but there is one thing that is true, he hurt you, it's still bothering you months later. This is your first boyfriend and, like most people, you haven't scored a winner your first time out. IMO, you should go to some rape counselling sessions and talk it out with other people who have been there. You should also dump him and never speak to him again, I know I would. But, it's your life and your choice of how to live it. If you want to continue on with him, you will need counselling (possibly with him) to get past it and reconcile once and for all what happened. If you don't think you will ever be able to do that, then you should break it off, let yourself heal and find someone who is worthy of your trust.

[blueidealist24]

I just find it ironic that most of the people who are saying she could have done things to prevent it from happening are male.

[pl3asehelp]

I just find it ironic that most of the people who are saying she could have done things to prevent it from happening are male.

 

I think women are naturally slightly more empathetic in general and are thus more focused on how OP feels, while men just see a problem that needs solving or that could be greatly dismissed with simple steps. I would never ever advise anyone to incapacitate themself on purpose even in the company of trusted friends. It's just not self preserving behavior. Can only expect to heat the odds for so long before luck runs out.

[Catherine_3]

If a woman passes out at a frat party surrounded by strangers, then I can see why you may want to give her a lecture on not engaging in risky behavior. But we fully expect to be protected by our boyfriends, not harmed and abused by them.

 

Dump him NOW! You cannot trust this man. He has shown his true colors and if you stay with him, you're signing yourself up for more abuse.

[pl3asehelp]

If a woman passes out at a frat party surrounded by strangers, then I can see why you may want to give her a lecture on not engaging in risky behavior. But we fully expect to be protected by our boyfriends, not harmed and abused by them.

 

Dump him NOW! You cannot trust this man. He has shown his true colors and if you stay with him, you're signing yourself up for more abuse.

 

Why do you expect that though? Spousal and date rape make up he majority of rapes, so these people who think you should be able to trust isn't really supported by the data. If only all you had to worry about was a stranger hiding in the bushes with a knife. Most murders are by family members, etc. this is just reality. It's not nice, but adapting to it is better than not.

 

You can also die of alcohol poisoning by drinking this much, or take your keys when nobody is looking and go for a drive. It's just never a good idea to drink until you black out.

[CeeLambrini]

You shouldn't get black out drunk because it's bad for your health. It puts you at risk of falling over and hurting yourself, choking on your own vomit, alcohol poisoning, etc

 

It has NOTHING to do with the OP. The OP is "how do I deal with the fact that my boyfriend raped me?"

Answering with "Well you shouldn't have gotten drunk" is contributing to a rapist mindset.

 

BEING DRUNK DOES NOT JUSTIFY HER BOYFRIEND RAPING HER

 

THAT is the problem, not how drunk she was!

 

I hope that the OP is long gone by now, I am so disgusted at the response "You shouldn't have gotten drunk". I know it isn't an attempt to blame her entirely but it is just not the point at all. She wants to know if she is right in feeling distrust and disgusted over the incident - and she IS.

 

Alcohol does not cause rape. Short skirts do not cause rape. RAPISTS CAUSE RAPE.

 

Please get that through your heads before you post toxic responses to people who have been raped.

[Lonewing]

If a woman passes out at a frat party surrounded by strangers, then I can see why you may want to give her a lecture on not engaging in risky behavior. But we fully expect to be protected by our boyfriends, not harmed and abused by them.

 

Dump him NOW! You cannot trust this man. He has shown his true colors and if you stay with him, you're signing yourself up for more abuse.

 

If people would actually pay attention to the stats, they would see that the vast majority of rape is done by someone they know well or someone they otherwise trust taking advantage of the situation. it's not the passed out at the frat part, or the random person on the bus, or the dark alley sort of places where 90% of rape occurs. It happens with people the victim knows.

 

Of course people shouldn't HAVE to be wary in these situations, but then there should never be war, peace should reign free, people should never kill each other, and we should all dance a flower circle in kumbyeyah land. For whatever reason, we have yet to accomplish that utopia.

 

In other words, There's a lot of things we do that we Shouldn't have to do, but we do because the alternative is ugly, crude, and leaves life long scars. I find our present era extremely interesting because it's really the first time where women are being told they shouldn't have to be personally responsible for their safety; the community around them should just Give it to them like apparently it is just Given to men.

 

One component here is apparently what she said while she was blackout drunk. People say weird things when they're drunk, but then, I suppose you could say at that point one can't even trust one's self. When you can't even trust yourself to protect yourself, why on earth would anyone expect others to do it for them? And that's why I say, quit the binge drinking, because at that point, you are putting your life and your liberty in someone else's hands. It's just not worth doing it.

[Lonewing]

And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO to prevent a rapist from raping you.

 

Is that your point?

[CeeLambrini]

And there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING YOU CAN DO to prevent a rapist from raping you.

 

Is that your point?

 

Trying to single me out and wind me up is a low blow, but it doesn't surprise me. Consider yourself blocked, so don't bother replying

[Capricorn3]

Thread Closed.