Dumper goes No Contact?

[ParisPaulette]

Oh, thank you for the clarification, I get it. Yes, that is a long distance then and makes more sense coupled with his actions. There may or may not be someone else in the picture, but it is less likely that given that this makes more sense. I've broken up an LDR myself having gone through a really disastrous one when I was younger.

 

And there's nothing is wrong with you, you're going through a breakup over someone you really cared about. These types of breakups suck and they suck, I wish I could find a way to ease everyone's pain about those. I really do and I've been there. But experience and a few relationships later (since I've been around for awhile) all I can tell you is the opportunities I passed up for a guy are the ones I regret most and haunt me the most. The fact is sometimes the timing is just wrong or the distance is just wrong or something just doesn't mesh no matter how much one or both of you wanted it to do so. The good news is you will very likely find love again when you're ready. In fact as I've gotten older I've found relationships to be better, because we both know what we want and are able to just be ourselves as opposed to that whole younger "I have no idea who I am, but I'll try to be who they want" mess so many people go through myself included.

 

So take heart, yes give yourself three months or six months even and focus on the excitement of your new life. And keeping a journal, finding new activities to try and places and things to go see as well as making sure you do things for yourself that you enjoy are all important things for you to do for yourself. Come here too if you need to just vent or talk since many of us on this forum have been through similar things and we do understand. Sometimes advice may seem harsh, but it's from people who are trying to give you the benefit of their own experiences and we all know what you're going through. My current relationship has been my best and I didn't meet him until I was in my mid-50s, so I'm pretty confident that love will find you again too. When you're ready, just because while I don't necessarily believe many cliches and I roll my eyes any time I hear the word "soul mate" I do believe that the human heart has a limitless capacity to love and find love.

[superfan]

DO NOT leave your job and move to be with this guy.

 

If he wanted to make it work, he would be telling you that and he would be planning how to make it work.

 

I once dumped a guy and went no contact because he lived in a city over an hour away and I didn't want to maintain a long distance relationship. I felt it was too much work and ultimately doomed to failure anyway.

 

However, my husband and I started out our relationship on different continents. He was from the UK and I was from Canada. We made it work because we both wanted it to. I realized that the other relationship didn't fail because we were long distance, it failed because I didn't really care enough to make it work.

 

It might sound harsh, and it sucks that this is the case, but if he REALLY wanted to make it work, you guys wouldn't have broken up.

 

Don't disrupt your life for someone who isn't willing to do the same.

[jphcbpa]

Because it takes two to want to make a relationship work and this guy not only ended the relationship but he also has made zero attempts to contact you. Fighting for someone YOU want is actually a rather selfish battle because you are fighting for what YOU want and not taking into account what THEY want. If he doesn't want to get back together with you then the battle you are fighting will be AGAINST him. You aren't fighting together to save your relationship.

At the moment, though, you are intent on fighting the wrong battle.

 

Beautifully said...

[4everalones]

However, my husband and I started out our relationship on different continents. He was from the UK and I was from Canada. We made it work because we both wanted it to. I realized that the other relationship didn't fail because we were long distance, it failed because I didn't really care enough to make it work.

 

I am glad long distance worked for you, but generally speaking, these kinds of relationships don't workout very well. He told me that he doesn't approve of long distance relationships and can never do it way before I even thought of taking another job or moving. So I don't blame him at all for not even wanting to try.

 

I am not going to leave my job right now. But I am having trouble moving on and I keep wondering whether I made the right choice or not. I just don't want to live with regrets years down the road. Professional success is great, but it would suck to not be able to share your success with people you care about

[4everalones]

At the moment, though, you are intent on fighting the wrong battle.

 

He made it clear that he'd be willing to try again if we're in the same area. Like I stated before, there was nothing wrong with the relationship except the sudden move for my new job. The question I'm still asking myself is whether it's worth leaving my job for him or not! I am afraid I'll have regrets if I make either decisions

[mhowe]

You will regret moving back and leaving your job.

 

You were willing to leave to take this job. Remember the reasons.

[4everalones]

You will regret moving back and leaving your job.

 

You were willing to leave to take this job. Remember the reasons.

 

 

Yes, I left and accepted the breakup. But now, I feel like I was selfish and self-centered. I feel like I will regret this for the rest of my life. I already have major regrets!

[mhowe]

Because you are looking at your past instead of your future.

 

At one point in my life, a bf moved 9 hours away. Neither of could afford the flight, but we got together when possible. And tried as hard as we could for 2 years.

 

Yours isn't even willing to try. It says a lot about his commitment. Not there...

[superfan]

I am glad long distance worked for you, but generally speaking, these kinds of relationships don't workout very well. He told me that he doesn't approve of long distance relationships and can never do it way before I even thought of taking another job or moving. So I don't blame him at all for not even wanting to try.

 

I am not going to leave my job right now. But I am having trouble moving on and I keep wondering whether I made the right choice or not. I just don't want to live with regrets years down the road. Professional success is great, but it would suck to not be able to share your success with people you care about

 

Generally speaking ANY relationship can work if both parties are equally invested in making it work. My husband and I were equally invested in making it work, despite being thousands of miles (and continents apart).

 

It's hard to hear, but if he doesn't want to do long distance, it is because he is not willing to try to make it work. That's the fact. He feels that long distance doesn't work and/or isn't worth the effort. Why uproot your life for someone who wouldn't do the same for you? Saying "well if we were in the same area we could get back together" is a very conditional way of handling things. He is saying your relationship is conditional on X, Y and Z. What happens if you get married and one of you finds yourself having to relocate for work? What then? Do you get divorced?

 

I get that you want to be happy AND successful. And you can - just not with this guy because he isn't interested in making the extra effort. Someday you will find someone that WILL be worth the effort and they will be more than willing to do what it takes to make the relationship work. Don't fall into the trap of believing you need to sacrifice one for the other.

[4everalones]

Yours isn't even willing to try. It says a lot about his commitment. Not there...

 

That's the exact speech I gave him when he decided to break it off. That's the main reason that made me so sure of my decision. I have always wanted a managerial position, and I am at the peak of my career right now. But all I could think about is my ex and how much I screwed up!!

 

It sucks that now I have second thoughts and regrets. I am not a teenage girl anymore! At my age, I should know better, I should use reason. But here I am crying over someone who isn't willing to put the effort to be with me. I also made a few mistakes: a week after the breakup I got too emotional. I told him that he was selfish and immature for not even wanting to try. I told him that it was a cowardly behavior to just run away when things got a bit challenging. I regret that immensely. I should have kept my vow of silence right after the breakup. I did apologize afterwards, and we kept all conversations civil. But it was always me who initiated.

 

Now it's too late. I will remain in NC. He was so strong and maintained NC. It's heartbreaking to see how easy it is for him to move on after all those years! why isn't it easy for me as well? why can't I just focus on my career and let the rest fall in place?

[4everalones]

Don't fall into the trap of believing you need to sacrifice one for the other.

 

I think that's a very idealistic point of view. In my experience, I always had to make the choice between personal and professional happiness (and of course, I always chose my career). I work in a male-dominated environment (lots of software engineers), and it takes so much effort, time, and energy to keep up with the workload. My ex was the only person who was very understanding of my job demands, he drove everyday for 2 hours just to see me. I know people have limits to what they can and cannot do for others, and it looks like he reached his.

 

But yes, you are right. If two people want it bad enough, they can make it work. He was just not willing to put the extra effort, which I understand. What puzzles me is how easy it was for him to move on (I know for sure that he cared at a certain point)! it was so easy for him to not break NC and go on with his life like nothing happened. Seriously? after all these years? after talking marriage and forever? oh wow!!

[superfan]

I think that's a very idealistic point of view. In my experience, I always had to make the choice between personal and professional happiness (and of course, I always chose my career). I work in a male-dominated environment (lots of software engineers), and it takes so much effort, time, and energy to keep up with the workload. My ex was the only person who was very understanding of my job demands, he drove everyday for 2 hours just to see me. I know people have limits to what they can and cannot do for others, and it looks like he reached his.

 

It is not idealistic, it is, just as you have pointed out the fact that everybody has their limits. But I firmly believe that if two people are meant to be together, they will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

 

I have no doubt your ex loved you, but obviously (for him) it wasn't enough. For him, the relationship was conditional up on certain things (like proximity to one another). Consider this as well - if you HAD decided to make a go of it (despite being long distance), what then? Long distance relationships ONLY work if BOTH partners are committed and if the long distance itself has an expiry date, meaning one partner has to be willing to move. Would he have been willing to move? If not, perhaps he understood that at the outset and decided it wasn't worth the prolonged pain of watching it fall apart.

 

My husband not only left his country, he quit his job and sold his house and rarely ever sees his family anymore because of the distance between them. He gave up a LOT for me, but the understanding was that I would do the same for him if it didn't work out in Canada. We were both willing to give up as much to be together.

 

You are also making the mistake or projecting how YOU deal with the break up onto him. You feel that because he has (seemingly) moved on that he isn't hurting as much because that isn't how you deal with things.

 

Maybe he has moved on, but maybe as well he is hurting just as much and going cold turkey NC is how he deals with it. Everybody is different.

[Ms Darcy]

Worst case scenario, contact him or try to contact him before leaving your job and moving back for him. If he either ignores you or puts the nail in the coffin and refuses to reconcile, at least you won't lose your job.

[4everalones]

Worst case scenario, contact him or try to contact him before leaving your job and moving back for him. If he either ignores you or puts the nail in the coffin and refuses to reconcile, at least you won't lose your job.

 

I won't leave my job without having something else lined up. My plan is to wait for 5-6 months and see what happens. I think I will be a lot less emotional by then and able to make rational decisions. I really don't trust my instincts right now. Getting through everyday is a challenge, and this breakup is definitely affecting my job performance. People say that it gets better wit time, but It's been 2 months and it's getting worse everyday. Keeping myself busy and distracted isn't working so well for me. I am still in NC, and he's still in NC. I wish he would reach out to me some day!