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So, I have recently been reading forums about post breakups, and I just learned about No Contact. In most cases that I came accross, the dumpee goes (or should go) NC, and the dumper wants some sort of contact or friendship to ease their guilt. I found my situation to be rather unique and would like to get your input:

 

Even though the breakup was rather amicable (mainly because he wasn't willing to do long distance), my ex boyfriend (dumper) went straight to no contact. I have been reaching out to him every now and then before I knew about NC. He answers all my texts, calls, requests to meet on the spot, but he never ever initiated any kind of contact. Even when I started NC (3 weeks today), he never initiated any contact at all. That's a very strange behavior and I just don't understand. It's not like we hate each other, or someone cheated, or anything like that. Why is he behaving that way?

 

He deleted all our pictures and posts we're tagged in on Facebook. I asked him about that and he said that he wants to move on and does not need any reminders. Shouldn't that be a dumpees behavior? I am really confused here. My ex is acting like the victim in this breakup, and I am not sure how to deal with it.

 

And to be honest, I still have hope of reconciling some day. I am thinking of moving back to his city and maybe starting over. We were so great together and I don't want to lose such a connection.

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But when someone initiates NC it doesn't always mean the dumper will come back, many times they don't. And NC is more about you healing and moving on, not getting your ex back anyways.

 

There are people who, once they are done, they are done. It has nothing to do with you, they just simply are the way they are. I am that way, once I'm over an ex that's it. I don't care how great it all was at one point, how they've changed, yadda-yadda-yadda, the feeling is gone and it's not coming back so why put myself and them in an embarrassing situation? I just have no interest. And two exes never did reach out to me after things ended, so nope they don't always do that.

 

He has no interest in getting back together and is letting you know this by his actions. It's not a mystery and it's not unusual at all for someone who has decided there is no reason to do anything, but move on. You need to go NC and realize it's over and focus on your own healing.

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He isn't acting like a victim. You guys have broken up and he wants to move forward.

He will respond to you out of politeness...but he has no plans on reconciliation.

 

Last time I met him he asked me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same town. It sounded like he does want to reconcile if we're in the same location as he's not willing to do long distance.

 

What puzzles me is that he doesn't follow the typical dumper patters that I saw all over this forum and other forums (want to stay friends, breadcrumbs, etc). Every time I talked to him, he made sure to tell me how miserable his life is. Every time I talked to him, I was the one left feeling bad for him and feeling guilty for not supporting him!

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Last time I met him he asked me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same town. It sounded like he does want to reconcile if we're in the same location as he's not willing to do long distance.

 

What puzzles me is that he doesn't follow the typical dumper patters (want to stay friend, breadcrumbs, etc). Every time I talked to him, he made sure to tell me how miserable his life is. Every time I talked to him, I was the one left feeling bad for him and feeling guilty for not supporting him!

 

Stop reading the Internet explantions of "patterns". Every person is different, and how they handle break ups are too.

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Again, what you're seeing isn't unusual. People will say a lot of things they don't always mean in order to alleviate their guilt or try to make you think better of them. It's about them, not about getting back together with you. Also keep in mind what you see on relationship forums including this one are more the type of behavior you're seeing, because those relationships and breakups tend to cause more turmoil. I never posted about and never would post particularly about the clean breakups I've had, because there's nothing really to say. "I broke up with him/he broke up with me, we're done, wonder what's for dinner?" But the relationships where I had trouble and couldn't quite let go, had an ex try to throw out breadcrumbs etc. oh yeah, I posted about those.

 

The bottom line is talk is cheap and not always a true reflection of an individual's state of mind--actions are what count. And his actions clearly don't appear to be those of someone who is interested in staying in touch or reconciling. Sorry, but it is what it is, there isn't a mystery there. The guy is just done.

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The bottom line is talk is cheap and not always a true reflection of an individual's state of mind--actions are what count. And his actions clearly don't appear to be those of someone who is interested in staying in touch or reconciling. Sorry, but it is what it is, there isn't a mystery there. The guy is just done.

 

Maybe I'm just holding on to false hope. It's been 2 months post breakup, and I can't let go at all. He was honestly the best boyfriend I've ever had and nothing was wrong with our relationship except distance (I had to move away for a new job).

 

I realize that strict NC is for me to heal, and that's what I've been trying to do. It's been 1 month of very limited contact + 3 weeks of strict full NC and I feel worse every day. I keep myself busy, workout, go out, try new hobbies, etc. Nothing helps at all. He's there in the back of my mind no matter what I do. I just can't believe that someone would talk about marriage and forever, text you all day long, and drive 2 hours everyday just to see you, and suddenly be able to go cold turkey and forget about you so easily! My mind just can't process this!!

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I think he's trying to move on. Be careful and be aware that he may not want to get back together even if you move.

 

I have actually been considering moving back and quitting this new job. It was such a big boost to my career but now I don't know if it's worth it. I am in love with this man and I'm convinced he's the one!

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I have actually been considering moving back and quitting this new job. It was such a big boost to my career but now I don't know if it's worth it. I am in love with this man and I'm convinced he's the one!

 

How would you feel if you moved back and he refused to get back together?

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How would you feel if you moved back and he refused to get back together?

 

Well that would kill me!! But I suppose I will talk to him about it before making any drastic moves. And even if he's willing to get back together after I move, I will have to make a huge step back in my career. Now I have to choose between the man I love (and best relationship I've ever had) or my career. That's a tough choice and it looks like I will lose no matter what I do

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Well that would kill me!! But I suppose I will talk to him about it before making any drastic moves. And even if he's willing to get back together after I move, I will have to make a huge step back in my career. Now I have to choose between the man I love (and best relationship I've ever had) or my career. That's a tough choice and it looks like I will lose no matter what I do

 

It takes two. So you may not even have a choice if he no longer wants to be with you. And the fact your relationship is over leans towards ... well, the relationship being over.

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He broke up with you...not the other way around.

He has to want to reconcile... and he has made it clear he is moving on.

Changing/giving up your future for something in your past is irresponsible at least and melodramatic at best. You will find love again.

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I'm not saying this in a hurtful way, but you are in a period of denial. If he felt the same way he would be jumping through hoops to make it work.

 

Maybe you're right. I know he cares about me very much, and he's done things for me that no one has ever done. I might be into him more than he's into me, and that's fine. I know he's a good man, and that's all that counts (and I knew he was a good man while dating, so I'm not idealizing him). I also know that he's being rational and doesn't want to get in a long distance relationship as these never work. I am trying to focus on my career, but I am not doing so well currently and everything's going downhills for me.

 

But yes, if someone loves you enough, they'll do anything to be with you. Look at me, I am willing to give up a big promotion to run back into his arms. I know it sounds stupid, but it really feels right.

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Look two hours is nothing and he did it before, so my instinct is that's not the real reason he broke up with you. My guess is there's someone else in the picture and he just didn't want to tell you that. But whatever you do, don't give up a good job that's a stepping stone on your career ladder for a guy, any guy. And especially not one who's clearly not wanting to make things work. He broke up with you, his reasons aren't entirely logical about the breakup, and now he's gone NC on you.

 

Three weeks is still very, very fresh for a breakup and it will hurt for awhile. You need to give it time, but you need to realize there's a reason he's not saying that is the real reason behind the breakup. Two hours is nothing, heck it takes me that long to get to my favorite restaurant and I go every weekend. And my SO has a studio he works at three hours from me and I think nothing of driving up to it on the weekends he's there. No, no, no, that's not why he broke off with you and if you quit your job and move back as a "surprise" I think you're going to be very, very unhappy and in a far worse place when some other chick quite possibly answers his door. I think he was looking for an excuse and that talk about how miserable he is might just be a smoke screen to keep you from suspecting anything.

 

I know this is harsh, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but my first thought when I saw your post was the guy doesn't want to stay in contact, because he's focused on someone else. That pattern does fit if you're looking at relationship patterns since a) breakup that doesn't make a lot of sense blamed on something that was previously not a problem plus b) sudden lack of interest and contact usually equals c) someone else is in the picture.

 

I know it sucks, but do yourself a huge life favor and don't end your job for someone who doesn't want to be with you. And don't expect him to be honest about seeing someone else either since he already wasn't, you can ask but my guess is he'll just ignore you or lie about it. Yes, there are people crappy enough to lie about it and then you move back and find out they were lying all along. I have seen that scenario posted.

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Changing/giving up your future for something in your past is irresponsible at least and melodramatic at best. You will find love again.

 

Why is it so wrong to fight for someone we want? Why is it wrong to not want to lose something special? It's very hard to find love or a good relationship nowadays. I am a successful and independent woman and I made my career a priority my entire life. Now, I found my self alone, and with not much time to search for new loves again and again. I became weak and emotional. I am not sure what's happening to me, but I do not want to start over. I know this guy cares to certain degree, and I know he's trying to move on. But I also know that I still have a chance and that he still cares.

 

All my previous breakups were cause by me focusing on my career. I was never devastated over a breakup. But as I get older, I see less and less time and options to start over. I do not want to start the pattern again!

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Or at least give it six months before you decide to do anything other than stay NC and heal and focus on your new job. Six months can make a huge amount of difference. Then if you still feel like you do now you can reach out to him and ask him if he wants you back and would he take you back if you moved to his town again and left your job. If he ifs and buts and makes excuses and/or hasn't contacted you in all that time then you'll have your answer, if he says no you'll have your answer, if he says yes and is ecstatic you'll have your answer.

 

Even more importantly though you'll have given yourself enough time to heal and think things all the way through and give your new job a chance without going off half-cocked over the usually misemotions that come with a breakup, any breakup. It's just the wrong time to be making a decision that has such drastic consequences on your life, so I was urge you to at least hold off and tough out the biggest and roughest part of a breakup knowing you aren't really in a position to be making rational decisions right now.

 

And you can't give up on someone who's already given up on you. He broke up with you, it's not like you are going to be able to force him to change his mind since you can't will someone to love you. You just can't no matter how badly we all have wanted and tried that.

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Look two hours is nothing and he did it before, so my instinct is that's not the real reason he broke up with you.

 

Sorry, perhaps I was not clear. We used to live 2 hours away from each other and that was fine. He drove everyday from work to see me and drove back home most of the nights (4 hours driving). and that was not an issue at all. Now I moved to a different state and the flight costs $800+. Now we are thousands of miles away. And I know for a fact that he's not seeing anyone else at the moment.

 

But yeah, It would not be a smart thing to lose a good job for a guy. Still, I find myself contemplating this option all the time. Makes me wonder what the heck is wrong with me!!

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Even though the breakup was rather amicable (mainly because he wasn't willing to do long distance), my ex boyfriend (dumper) went straight to no contact. I have been reaching out to him every now and then before I knew about NC. He answers all my texts, calls, requests to meet on the spot, but he never ever initiated any kind of contact. Even when I started NC (3 weeks today), he never initiated any contact at all. That's a very strange behavior and I just don't understand. It's not like we hate each other, or someone cheated, or anything like that. Why is he behaving that way?

 

He isn't acting like a victim or displaying "strange behaviour", he is simply acting like someone who is ready to move on. More to the point, why are you constantly contacting him and requesting to meet "on the spot"? He has ended the relationship and makes no effort to contact you so you really should be making efforts to let go and move on too.

 

There is no typical dumpee or dumper behaviour. Everyone does what they feel they have to do, whatever their cause.

 

Last time I met him he asked me to let him know if I'm ever back in the same town. It sounded like he does want to reconcile if we're in the same location as he's not willing to do long distance.

 

Or maybe it was just his way of saying goodbye in the way people say "See you later" but you're reading too much into it. If he really meant he would reconcile if you were in the same location then that makes the basis of your relationship rather flimsy bearing in mind he hasn't contact you in the meantime.

 

What puzzles me is that he doesn't follow the typical dumper patters that I saw all over this forum and other forums (want to stay friends, breadcrumbs, etc). Every time I talked to him, he made sure to tell me how miserable his life is. Every time I talked to him, I was the one left feeling bad for him and feeling guilty for not supporting him!

 

There really is no typical dumper pattern. Some dumpers hang on to their ex (usually because they aren't ready to be totally alone even though they no longer want to be in a relationship), and some let go completely. The reason you probably read more about dumpers hanging on, making contact etc is because their behaviour is more confusing causing the dumpee to question their behaviour more.

 

You have no need to feel sorry for him or to feel as though you have to support him. He isn't contacting you so he isn't really acting as though he needs support. And as is often said on here, actions speak louder than words. People can say anything if they think it is the right thing to say at the time.

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It's just the wrong time to be making a decision that has such drastic consequences on your life, so I was urge you to at least hold off and tough out the biggest and roughest part of a breakup knowing you aren't really in a position to be making rational decisions right now.

 

Yeah, that's why I came here. I felt like I wasn't my rational self (ironic, since I'm an engineer and I deal with reason and logic all day long). I am still sticking to no contact. I know he's trying to move on, so I'll let him be. I put a 3 months limit to this and if he doesn't reach out to check up on me or reconcile, I'll get the hint and hold on to my job. This breakup had me feel like a broken teenage girl all over again!!

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Because it takes two to want to make a relationship work and this guy not only ended the relationship but he also has made zero attempts to contact you. Fighting for someone YOU want is actually a rather selfish battle because you are fighting for what YOU want and not taking into account what THEY want. If he doesn't want to get back together with you then the battle you are fighting will be AGAINST him. You aren't fighting together to save your relationship.

 

You are suffering from a broken heart. All the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal. Most, if not all, of us on eNA have been through what you are going through so we do understand. You can actually get through this. At the moment, though, you are intent on fighting the wrong battle.

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