Clearly I need to try something new

[Batya33]

How much of this to do you think has to do with your personality, how you interact with people and whether you tend to be too judgmental about people (not with regard to gender -I'm talking about both making new friends and pursuing potential dates).

[Daligal83]

That's so disappointing that the groups in your area are like that. It's nothing like that here. I mean, we definitely have happy hours of course. They aren't just a reason to get drunk though. It's to join together and get more people involved and to raise money for causes. We really go out of our way to make new people feel welcome and we've received a lot of positive feedback about that in particular. We also plan lots of activities that have nothing to do with drinking. I think that'd a good idea to try again when you end up in a new city.

[BBBx3]

I'm 34 and work in manhattan among millions and I'm literally in the same boat. Except that I won't date inside my race because theres no chance in hell I'll find one there. So I look elsewhere but those guys don't notice me. They don't reject me they just don't even notice my flirting. I think at our ages there's no hope. We should have tried harder in our 20's now we're out of luck. Sorry.

[Batya33]

I'm 34 and work in manhattan among millions and I'm literally in the same boat. Except that I won't date inside my race because theres no chance in hell I'll find one there. So I look elsewhere but those guys don't notice me. They don't reject me they just don't even notice my flirting. I think at our ages there's no hope. We should have tried harder in our 20's now we're out of luck. Sorry.

 

LOL -OP I dated in a major city for many years and had a number of long term relationships from age 15 to age 39, and at 39 I started dating my husband. He was turning 39 and single and we got married in our early 40s, now in our late 40s. Many of my friends have similar stories and married in their 30s and early 40s in NYC and equally major cities.

[MsAdorkable]

How much of this to do you think has to do with your personality, how you interact with people and whether you tend to be too judgmental about people (not with regard to gender -I'm talking about both making new friends and pursuing potential dates).

 

Well I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to socialize with people who can't socialize unless there's alcohol. Just not my preference, so perhaps that is my unique personality to not want to drink all the time and wanting to be around others who feel similarly. It doesn't matter if its new friends or something more, if every time they're inviting me to something and I get there and it just ends up being lets sit around and drink, no thanks.

 

I'm 34 and work in manhattan among millions and I'm literally in the same boat. Except that I won't date inside my race because theres no chance in hell I'll find one there. So I look elsewhere but those guys don't notice me. They don't reject me they just don't even notice my flirting. I think at our ages there's no hope. We should have tried harder in our 20's now we're out of luck. Sorry.

 

*******hugs******** I don't know anything about Manhattan so I have no suggestions for you. Are you stuck there for the long haul or will there be an opportunity to try a new city in the future?

[Batya33]

Well I don't see anything wrong with not wanting to socialize with people who can't socialize unless there's alcohol. Just not my preference, so perhaps that is my unique personality to not want to drink all the time and wanting to be around others who feel similarly. It doesn't matter if its new friends or something more, if every time they're inviting me to something and I get there and it just ends up being lets sit around and drink, no thanks.

 

 

 

******

 

That has nothing to do with what I wrote -interesting how you reacted to my suggestion with an irrelevancy.

 

(I didn't drink either and didn't like being around people who drank a lot. I had a very active social and dating life in my 20s and 30s and I was no glamour girl, believe me).

 

You don't need to answer my question or suggestion of course but responding with something about alcohol doesn't make much sense.

[MsAdorkable]

That has nothing to do with what I wrote -interesting how you reacted to my suggestion with an irrelevancy.

 

(I didn't drink either and didn't like being around people who drank a lot. I had a very active social and dating life in my 20s and 30s and I was no glamour girl, believe me).

 

You don't need to answer my question or suggestion of course but responding with something about alcohol doesn't make much sense.

 

Well that was something I mentioned in the post immediately before yours, which is what I thought you were responding to when you inquired about my being judgmental. Regardless I was not offended and did not mean to sound as if I was. Clearly I misunderstood your question.

 

If you were asking in general if I'm judgmental when meeting new people, then I would say no. I interact with all kinds of people in a variety of settings without issue. Sometimes I wind up discussing unexpected topics with the most surprising people and generally that is a positive experience. I think it would be really exhausting if every time you met someone you were constantly searching for a reason not to like them.

 

If that is not what you were asking either, then I must admit to still being unclear.

[Batya33]

Well that was something I mentioned in the post immediately before yours, which is what I thought you were responding to when you inquired about my being judgmental. Regardless I was not offended and did not mean to sound as if I was. Clearly I misunderstood your question.

 

If you were asking in general if I'm judgmental when meeting new people, then I would say no. I interact with all kinds of people in a variety of settings without issue. Sometimes I wind up discussing unexpected topics with the most surprising people and generally that is a positive experience. I think it would be really exhausting if every time you met someone you were constantly searching for a reason not to like them.

 

If that is not what you were asking either, then I must admit to still being unclear.

 

I was asking whether, in evaluating your own social interactions, there is anything you would change. Many years ago I made a rather significant change because of something that was pointed out to me that I didn't realize might be an issue in social interactions - ironically the person who pointed it out ended up marrying me over 10 years later! I'm not sure if I would have realized it myself but I think it's a good idea from time to time to take an honest inventory of what's going on socially (and maybe even ask a trusted friend).

[MsAdorkable]

Years ago I realized that my social interactions were limited in terms of the places I went. It wasn't so much the type of people I connected with, but mostly that I went to the same four places all the time every time. Looking back I'm not even sure how that happened, but that was something that I changed when I noticed it.

 

What actually triggered that was watching sitcom reruns. In shows like Seinfeld and Friends they were always sitting around the same coffee shop and complaining about how they had such a hard time meeting people. They never added to their group of friends nor did they try. I was watching a marathon of those shows one day and was like "omg that'll be me in my 30s if I don't do something very different!" So now I don't have regular hang outs and am always on the lookout for new places to go. I even alternate grocery stores, drug stores, etc so I'm not stuck in the same rut of always seeing the same people and doing the same thing.

[Batya33]

I love those shows too but they are not real life, not even close (in the negative or positive ways). I'm glad you're proactive about meeting people. I was as well.