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No job, sick, and living at home- how does this look to him?


Tearsbegone

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Hi all,

 

I have been feeling a great deal of anxiety lately over a new relationship. I have been unable to work for years due to horrible anxiety, I'm actually on disability for it. On top of that in the last 6 months I have had some major health problems arise that will require surgeries. Needless to say I cannot afford to live on my own and had to move home with my parents (I'm 34). In my past I always took care of myself and was financially stable, but after the anxiety hit my world crumbled (I was then living with my ex fiancé). I thought I would be with my ex as we had been together 10 years and he knew about my situation and we were both comfortable with it and working towards getting it fixed (keep in mind the medical issues that have recently appeared were not present at that time).

 

Well now I'm in a new relationship and feel like a TOTAL LOSER. I'm worried because I am not working (which makes me look lame), I have no idea when I will be able to work or what type of work I will do, I am living with my parents (Um I have been on my own since 18, so this again makes me feel horribly lame), and I have no clue what this looks like to him. We always have to go to his place. He doesn't seem to mind it (he doesn't have to leave or drive how nice right? But I'm sure he'd like to be at someone else's place here and there). I'm just worried I look like a total loser going no where fast. I would personally not have a problem if the situation was reversed so long as I was not paying for everything. I actually pay 50/50 and tend to spend a ton more on him in term of gifts, etc. so I'm not asking for him to take over financially since I'm not working (I'm just using what little savings I have).

 

I'm trying to get these surgeries but of course no insurance and no money has made it challenging. He knows I'm working on it.

 

So what would you think? Is this a turn off? Would this bother you or make the person seem undesirable?

 

Thank you

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Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Sometimes it can be pretty rough. Take advantage of your parent's generosity until you get back on your feet. Don't worry about what people think. Do what you have to do for you.

 

This guy seems to be sticking with you. He's obviously O.K. with it. Take a deep breath, relax, this too shall pass.

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It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks besides him and you.

Are you on meds or seeing a therapist?

And with Obamacare....why don't you have insurance?

 

I am on meds. I have seen countless therapists. At this stage my body seems to be more trouble than my head.

Obamacare won't give me insurance. It's completely ridiculous. I am on SSDI but cannot afford Medicare. However, when you go on SSDI you automatically get part A (which is for hospital stays and covers nothing). The state says that counts as insurance! It's unreal because it covers nothing.

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Sorry to hear about your difficulties. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is full of peaks and valleys. Sometimes it can be pretty rough. Take advantage of your parent's generosity until you get back on your feet. Don't worry about what people think. Do what you have to do for you.

 

This guy seems to be sticking with you. He's obviously O.K. with it. Take a deep breath, relax, this too shall pass.

 

Thanks I really appreciate that. I am very very hard on myself. I'm tired of living this way but now with these new medical issues it seems more than overwhelming. I guess he is ok for now, but I worry I seem very undesirable. Living at home, no job? I mean for me that wouldn't matter if someone was in my shoes, but everyone is different. He has been with very successful women so sometimes I worry. I wish I would have met him before all this happened. I have a very long road ahead of me. I'm just trying to get the male perspective- does it suck that I always have to go to his place? Do I look unmotivated or pitiful because I am living with parents and can't work?

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If he's sticking around, it must not bother him.

For me, as long as the person I'm dating shares similar goals as I do in terms of the future and is trying their best, that's what matters. I doubt he sees you as a deadbeat because that's not how you come off on here- life has hit you hard. You're doing what you can to better your current situation. If you're worried- ask him, but only once. Don't let your insecurities create monsters that you didn't need to deal with.

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If he's sticking around, it must not bother him.

For me, as long as the person I'm dating shares similar goals as I do in terms of the future and is trying their best, that's what matters. I doubt he sees you as a deadbeat because that's not how you come off on here- life has hit you hard. You're doing what you can to better your current situation. If you're worried- ask him, but only once. Don't let your insecurities create monsters that you didn't need to deal with.

 

It's early so it might bother hi in the future. We both share similar goals and I believe he knows how hard I am trying. I don't really want to ask him- I'm scared. He knows I am very hard working but I worry he just doesn't fully understand how hard it is for me. Like I said I have a long road ahead and he might not realize that. He might see this as a set back but not as big a deal as it is.

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I think you have gone into what I call a "panic spiral". Things are not as bad or as out of control as you are feeling they are. You are not unworthy of love. Maybe this guy's not all that great? You should be thinking whether you like him not just whether he likes you. You have value. I know what it's like having anxiety problems, I have cystitis every now and then and it sometimes lasts for months when it comes. And it also comes mainly from me feeling scared so it's really very annoying and going in a spiral of doom in my head and physically. But you just need to make yourself remember you have control over your life, it doesn't mean you're bad for not having a job etc (I also do not have a job right now and live with my mum) I just mean you need your confidence back and that will start you on the road to everything else I think. Rome was not built in a day. And you are ill! This is not your fault! If someone loves you then they will be sympathetic of that. You are not one big problem, you are a good person going through a hard time. Another good person could see that. So don't worry.

My ex was horrible to me when I was ever ill. He was nice in the very early days because he was actually causing the fear in me that caused the cystitis and knew I would run away if he did anything too mean then. But then he's tell me I was faking it and call me insane when I had flu or was having a panic attack. You don't want to get yourself into the situation I did. I felt that my illness was a hindrance on those around me and I deserved to be treated this way when I was ill so that's why I stayed. But I didn't deserve that. And you don't deserve to beat yourself up about being ill either.

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If he's stayed with you for five months then he clearly doesn't have a huge problem with it. Some guys like having the girl over at their place, being the entertainer. Sure, it could become a problem if it goes on for years and years, but you can't really do anything about it, so you'll have to cross that bridge when and if it happens. The only thing you could possibly do is try to find some work from home (freelance writing, which I do, telephone sales..). I don't know how bad your conditions are so I'm not sure if you can handle that, but if so, it might be a good possibility to look into. Not just to stop feeling like a loser, but to pay for the surgeries.

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If he's stayed with you for five months then he clearly doesn't have a huge problem with it. Some guys like having the girl over at their place, being the entertainer. Sure, it could become a problem if it goes on for years and years, but you can't really do anything about it, so you'll have to cross that bridge when and if it happens. The only thing you could possibly do is try to find some work from home (freelance writing, which I do, telephone sales..). I don't know how bad your conditions are so I'm not sure if you can handle that, but if so, it might be a good possibility to look into. Not just to stop feeling like a loser, but to pay for the surgeries.

 

I think he would like to come to my place (if I had one) but generally speaking he seems more the way you describe- enjoys me coming there, etc. I don't anticipate it going year and years- I want to get on my feet as soon as I can. Sadly the pain is so bad I can't work from home- not to mention, I don't really have a place to do so being in a small room at my parents.

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It's early so it might bother hi in the future. We both share similar goals and I believe he knows how hard I am trying. I don't really want to ask him- I'm scared. He knows I am very hard working but I worry he just doesn't fully understand how hard it is for me. Like I said I have a long road ahead and he might not realize that. He might see this as a set back but not as big a deal as it is.

 

"It might bother him in the future." What happens in the future, happens in the future, and you can cross that bridge if you come to it. Right now, (5 months in! So he definitely likes you.) he is still into it. Honestly if it bothers you this much, I would go ahead and ask him. The worst that can happen is he confirms your fears and then you can address it head on. Best case, he puts your mind at ease.

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"It might bother him in the future." What happens in the future, happens in the future, and you can cross that bridge if you come to it. Right now, (5 months in! So he definitely likes you.) he is still into it. Honestly if it bothers you this much, I would go ahead and ask him. The worst that can happen is he confirms your fears and then you can address it head on. Best case, he puts your mind at ease.

 

I mentioned it pretty casually and he doesn't care. He's been sick like me and unable to work so he gets it. I do think he'd like me to have my own place so we can have a change of scenery but that's about it.

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