She's on birth control = no condom for me?

[louisecar]

If I was in a long term relationship with someone who insisted on using condoms even after I got an IUD, I'd be thinking, "Why am I subjecting myself to these hormones (or very painful heavy periods if it's the copper one) if we're using condoms anyway??" I wouldn't be too happy about it either, honestly.

 

I agree with this! I hate using condoms and if im in a long term relationship and subjecting my body to hormones I dont think condoms are necessary if you are both clean from stds. I mean 99% is pretty darn safe and its not like she can trick you and miss pills when its an iud shes using. Theres risk with everything in life. I could get hit by a car 2mor... that doesnt mean I wont cross the road.

[amethyst exchange]

I would as well. As I said it's not about trust it's about redundancy. The risk is relatively low when UID's are functioning properly, but what if yours isn't functioning properly and you're unaware...or some other unknown factor or unaware situation is affecting the normal effectiveness of the UID. It is a good idea to have an extra layer of protection (pun unintended). If someone is looking at it as 'I'm subjecting myself to hormones...so you don't need to be as responsible' I would be very cautious, because it implies some kind of superiority...in the responsibility of the relationship a basic, I don't know - inequality in the sexual relationship vis-a-vis responsibility that I'd find undesirable. Yeah, I'm not subjecting myself to hormones to stop my sperm from being fertile, but that doesn't mean I can't be responsible for my side of reproductive suppression and sexual safety, and I'd expect my long-term girlfriend to understand and respect that choice.

 

It sounds like some people are trying to turn this into a trust issue...when it isn't a trust issue...it's a basic reproductive suppression redundancy issue. I would tell her, no sock no ...(is that said...I don't know...it rhymes so close enough).

 

If this was a reversed scenario (the girl was on IUD and still wanted the guy to wear a condom...this conversation would be completely different). She has to respect his desire for redundancy just like he would if the situation was reversed...

[Sedrick]

I agree with the extra layer of protection but condoms are an extreme measure given the effectiveness of an IUD and your erectile dysfunction issues with condoms.

 

IUD plus using the pull out method is the way to go.

[Lonewing]

What If What If What If... What If didn't stop them before...

 

This is one of those calculated risks where you're damned if you do and You're damned if you don't.

 

If you don't, yes, there's a 1% chance she gets pregnant - but this far better than the 20% you used to tolerate regularly [and perhaps without a second] before all this.

 

If you do wear a condom, then she's not happy, which means you now have a rut eroding in your relationship. This leads to one and two things, the first being a lot less sex, because she's not happy, she's not interested, and in time, she's no longer looking for it with you. This then leads to the latter thing, somebody new, which for you is the perfect solution - abstinence has a 100% success rate.

 

This is all a matter of calculated risk and what results you are willing to live with.

 

And yes, it is a trust issue - he isn't trusting her, but rather, the condom.

[amethyst exchange]

Yes 'what if', the fact that there is a 'what if' is the reason why it is an issue of redundancy and not trust.

 

There is a 1% chance she gets pregnant, if things are working properly. I'm sorry but that's not risk I'd be willing to take, nor would it be a risk I'd be willing to allow someone else to take for me, not when we can reduce that even further.

 

Like I said if this was a woman complaining because she was on a UID and the man wanted to have sex with her without a condom people would be up in arms about it, and no one would be saying "you'll be fine if you just pull out in time".

[abitbroken]

I would tell her that the reason why you want to use a condom is that you are not ready to be a father yet. She is free to use IUD or not, but you are going to stay with the condom. You are NOT wrong for being overly cautious. Tell her that you trust her, but no birth control method is 100%. I think you guys have to have a conversation about what happens if she accidentally gets pregnant. And if she is not ready to have that conversation, then the condom stays on.

[Lonewing]

Yes 'what if', the fact that there is a 'what if' is the reason why it is an issue of redundancy and not trust.

 

There is a 1% chance she gets pregnant, if things are working properly. I'm sorry but that's not risk I'd be willing to take, nor would it be a risk I'd be willing to allow someone else to take for me, not when we can reduce that even further.

 

Like I said if this was a woman complaining because she was on a UID and the man wanted to have sex with her without a condom people would be up in arms about it, and no one would be saying "you'll be fine if you just pull out in time".

 

He was perfectly fine accepting a 20% risk [just a condom], but now he won't accept a 1% risk [just an IUD] - for the sake of redundancy?

 

Ultimately speaking, the woman controls the gates - that's just how it goes. And it sounds like she's already considered what action she'd take if anything happened.

 

And this 1% risk is a risk you're not willing to take? So you've never had sex where the only protection was his condom? Because if you have, then you have already taken the 20% risk.

[Lonewing]

I would tell her that the reason why you want to use a condom is that you are not ready to be a father yet. She is free to use IUD or not, but you are going to stay with the condom. You are NOT wrong for being overly cautious. Tell her that you trust her, but no birth control method is 100%. I think you guys have to have a conversation about what happens if she accidentally gets pregnant. And if she is not ready to have that conversation, then the condom stays on.

 

Abstinence is 100%.

[amethyst exchange]

He was perfectly fine accepting a 20% risk [just a condom], but now he won't accept a 1% risk [just an IUD] - for the sake of redundancy?

 

Ultimately speaking, the woman controls the gates - that's just how it goes. And it sounds like she's already considered what action she'd take if anything happened.

 

And this 1% risk is a risk you're not willing to take? So you've never had sex where the only protection was his condom? Because if you have, then you have already taken the 20% risk.

 

About pregnancy? No, it isn't a risk I'm willing to take, someone's life is going to change if it happens...and frankly I'm not ready and I'm not ruining a life or lives just for a little more intense nerve apoplexy.

 

Great for her, she's being responsible for her side of things. He wishes to be responsible for his side of things. She doesn't like it, she can most assuredly find someone less responsible for his side of things...many males are less than scrupulous about this sort of topic.

 

Actually, no, I haven't...I'm very thorough about this sort of thing. It is non-negotiable for me, two forms of pregnancy suppression, one being a condom and one being some kind of female birth control (pill, injection, insertion, etc).

[Mesemene]

link removed

 

Condoms don't have a 20% chance of pregnancy unless you're using them incorrectly, or not using them every time. They're almost as effective as a pill or IUD if used right and used consistently. The 20% is "typical" use, which factors in those who don't make sure they fit, use past expiration, use with petroleum lubricant, and skip and pull out instead of using them on days they're "sure" are "safe."

[Fudgie]

Condoms are only as effective as methods like the IUD with perfect use and perfect luck, as I'd call it. Because a condom can fail without any fault on your part. It can rip. And it can be easy to put it on wrong when you're in the heat of the moment.

 

I would never want to use just a condom. I have a friend who does that and I keep telling her she needs to find another method in addition to that condom. I know not everyone can be on hormones or have an iud and that's fine, but cmon, she could use a cervical cap with some spermicide cream.

 

Lonewing, when you said "women control the gates" do you mean in terms of BC? Cause I don't think it's right. BC is a joint responsibility and men shouldn't be forced to rely on the women for it. If he wants to wear a condom, let him. Any woman who is trying to force a man to relinquish control over his sperm is probably trying to trap him with a pregnancy. That's the truth.

 

And yes, maybe she has thought about the what if, maybe not. But even if she has, doesn't mean that it's good. Maybe her desire is to keep the baby and hope that OP will come around and marry her. Maybe OP doesn't want that. OP doesn't know what she's decided. And her mine can be subject to change anyway.

[Lonewing]

In terms of Sex.

 

Ultimately speaking, you have it on her terms or you don't have it at all.

 

If her terms are unacceptable, don't have it.

[amethyst exchange]

In terms of Sex.

 

Ultimately speaking, you have it on her terms or you don't have it at all.

 

If her terms are unacceptable, don't have it.

 

I don't believe she has 100% control, 99.999% control (she has the ultimate option for 'no not tonight' obviously), however for instance if I'm not interest, we're not having it, regardless of what she wants. She can be angry with that or disappointed but when it comes reproductive suppression the responsibility is on both sides, and I will not have sex without a condom even if she is on birth control. If she wants that to happen, then she best be willing to wait until I put a ring or two on her finger.

 

I have every much the right to say no, as she does, and if she wants to dump me over me being responsible. If she can't respect my choice, then maybe she doesn't respect me, which then does cause me to question our relationship.

[guynextdoor]

OP you can count on you putting on the raincoat but you can't always count on your partner taking the pill on time or at all. Trust me on this one.

[amethyst exchange]

OP you can count on you putting on the raincoat but you can't always count on your partner taking the pill on time or at all. Trust me on this one.

 

IUDs are structures (with copper ions or with a hormonal active ingredient) inserted into the uterus and cause physiological changes that create impenetrable mucosa plugs at the cervix that may or may not also be toxic to sperm (they may also cause physiological/chemical changes in in other parts of the female's reproductive anatomy that may cause implantation disruption (or even blastocystic death). They, if functioning properly, require no maintenance from the woman over the IUDs lifetime, there's no pill to take. They are highly effective...but that doesn't mean they always function perfectly, and sometimes there can be complications...as such i still think it's responsible to continue utilizing prophylactics; other may disagree, but there is no real reason for a woman to demand removal of prophylactics from their reproductive suppression regime.

[abitbroken]

The other thing - when you talked about having sex, did you decide "ok, you will use an IUD and I will use a condom" or was she on IUD well before you met? If it wasn't a method you both sat down and agreed would be the single best for the two of you (IUD alone), she cannot be mad at you for it not being enough. you have every right to a second birth control method for YOUR piece of mind. Just as if you decided that you only wanted condoms and that was your preferred method before you met - she could definitely decide to get on the pill as an extra precaution for herself if she chose.

 

If you decided TOGETHER that your method would be IUD and you are reversing things on her and deciding that you don't want that as the sole method after all, I can see why she would be irritated. But never - man or woman - cave to use less birth control than you are comfortable with to "prove" your love to someone when you aren't married. (or okay, in any position in your relationship to be fully ready for a child and be ready to fully commit to eachother as well)

[Iggles]

I have every much the right to say no, as she does, and if she wants to dump me over me being responsible. If she can't respect my choice, then maybe she doesn't respect me, which then does cause me to question our relationship.

 

^^ This!

 

Both parties have personal agency. Terms must be mutually acceptable and I think it's important for both of you to view contraception as a joint effort.

 

They are highly effective...but that doesn't mean they always function perfectly, and sometimes there can be complications...as such i still think it's responsible to continue utilizing prophylactics; other may disagree, but there is no real reason for a woman to demand removal of prophylactics from their reproductive suppression regime.

 

The OP's girlfriend sounds very controlling. If she got the IUD with the expressed intent that once having it they could go off condoms, her disappointment would be one thing. But disappointed or not, she still doesn't have the right to demand he stop using condoms!

 

If they were married, then by all means. But they're not, so the OP is doing what HE feels comfortable to provide extra protection from both unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases -- yes, IUDs do not prevent any STDs.

 

One thing we've seen here on ENA is that people routinely make "mistakes"* and it's a gamble to assume if cheating happens the affair partner is 100% STD free. Her emotional manipulation over using condoms ("if you love me/trust me") is a red flag. Not a big leap for those types of people to justify lying and other bad behavior.

 

 

* Heavy sarcasm on the usage of that word! More like avoiding responsibility for choosing to betray their partner.

[Fudgie]

I would go a step further and say that even if they were married, she doesn't have the right to demand this.

 

I'm aware that I am taking a risk in having sex with my boyfriend with just an IUD. But not everyone wants that risk. There still a risk when you're married too. OP needs to do what he feels comfortable with.

[lady00]

I think that pressure and sex don't ever mix well together. One person shouldn't be pressuring the other into doing something they don't want to do and holding the fights over that person's head as a way to cause them to cave in and accept something they are not comfortable with isn't cool. When you end up doing something and feel uncomfortable the entire time, things will just go downhill from there in the relationship.