She's on birth control = no condom for me?

[ohtheconfusion]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and I always wear a condom during sex. The problem is, she's on a very reliable birth control and would like to start having sex without condoms. I'm not so sure that I'm comfortable with it just yet, but she's pressuring me to the point where it's starting to cause some tension. She feels I won't do it because I don't trust her, when the truth is that I've never really been in this type of situation before with past girlfriends, and frankly I'm just a bit worried about it. In the past, whether or not my girlfriend was on some sort of birth control, we both required condoms. I have told her this, and she seems to understand, but it doesn't necessarily change the situation. Now, I've reached the point where I don't even like approaching her for sex because I don't want us to argue about a condom, and when we do, she shows passive displeasure which makes me feel guilty. Has anybody else been in this type of situation before that can offer me some advice?

[OptomisticGirl]

Has she said why she doesn't want you to use a condom?

[ohtheconfusion]

Two reasons, because she wants to be closer to me in that way, and she hates condoms because it's less enjoyable for her.

[ohtheconfusion]

Also, with that, her birth control is very reliable (or so I've been told and read), and so we shouldn't have to use them.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well, both of those reasons I can understand. They are the reasons I myself hate condoms. But there is so much more that goes into the decision to not use two forms of BC. Are you guys an established couple (ie have you been together long?)? Have you dicussed what would happen if she were to end up pregnant? How do you both feel about children?

 

EDIT: How old is she? That statement sounds almost like a teenager said it. Yes, BC is reliable (I have been on it for 10 years myself) but mistakes DO happen when you are on it if you aren't careful. Pregnancy can happen if you take an antibiotic while on it or if you miss even one pill.... BC is reliable but nothing is 100%.

[Fudgie]

OP, if she is pressuring you to not use condoms to the point that there is tension, it's not good. I don't know, something doesn't seem right here. You guys used condoms for a year of dating, why does she suddenly not want to use them now? The "You don't trust me" bit is BS. What if she is trying to get pregnant?

[ohtheconfusion]

We've been together a little over a year, and are an established couple. We've discussed it, and if a situation occurred she says that she would definitely do something about it because she is not ready to have children, nor am I. I do believe her, but I think that part of me is also a bit worried about being trapped.

[OptomisticGirl]

I would tend to agree. While I don't like condoms either, I would never not use one unless I was okay with having a kid with that person.

[DepthOfField]

Just to be clear, is the ONLY concern here the small risk of pregnancy ?

[ohtheconfusion]

The fear is the risk of pregnancy, yes - we are both clean. Neither of us are currently in a good situation to have children. Mistakes DO happen, which is why I prefer to use condoms.

[Fudgie]

Just to be clear, is the ONLY concern here the small risk of pregnancy ?

 

That's assuming she is using BC correctly. OP is worried about being trapped.

 

OP, how would you feel if she got pregnant and decided to keep it against your wishes?

If that idea terrifies you, keep using condoms and don't stop even if she begs.

[HeartGoesOn]

I would make it clear that it's not a matter a trust, it's a matter of responsibility. You're both equally responsible for birth control, and there should always be an agreement, and a plan in place should this result in a pregnancy.

[ohtheconfusion]

She uses a long term IUD, so presumably it is there correctly. I've tried explaining the responsibility factor to her before, and she more or less just gets frustrated. That said, I don't feel that she would intentionally trap me. We've discussed children more than once, and have both decided that a child really isn't an option at the moment.

[Sedrick]

Make sure she's ok with an abortion if she gets pregnant.

[memento]

Well I got a solution for you. Do not use a condom and when your about to finish pull out and finish somewhere else, preferably on her.

[itsallgrand]

I would make it clear that it's not a matter a trust, it's a matter of responsibility. You're both equally responsible for birth control, and there should always be an agreement, and a plan in place should this result in a pregnancy.

 

Yes!

 

It is as simple as this is something she needs to respect your decision and feelings on. And if she can not, then the two of you need to have a serious talk.

[amethyst exchange]

It isn't about trust it's about redundancy. You really don't want to have a child, and no single form of birth control is complete...it is always responsible to utilize multiple birth control methods when one is unwilling to be a parent.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

I would never trust a guy who pressures me into having sex without a condom; likewise, if I were a man, I would never trust a woman who pressures me into having sex without a condom. Nobody should be pressuring anybody into anything. Stopping the use of condoms should be a mutual decision and she needs to respect that.

 

I obviously don't know your girlfriend and don't know if she's capable of "trapping" you, but I'd be concerned about the manipulation tactics she's using against you to get her way. Wanting to stop using condoms isn't really a cause for concern, but the way she's going about it and her reaction to your refusal would be a major red flag in my book.

[jenny_mcs]

She uses a long term IUD, so presumably it is there correctly. I've tried explaining the responsibility factor to her before, and she more or less just gets frustrated. That said, I don't feel that she would intentionally trap me. We've discussed children more than once, and have both decided that a child really isn't an option at the moment.

 

Women do get pregnant with an IUD. It happens. It's rare, but it happens. I think you are being super responsible in doubling up on birth control by using a condom. Of course she doesn't love using a condom, I mean, no one loves condoms, right? But you are doing what you are able to prevent pregnancy. I also would be a bit worried that she is throwing such a fit over it.

[Lonewing]

If you've gone from one form of BC [condoms] to now her having an IUD, I almost find your concerns overblown. You've gone from a device that is successful 80% of the time to a device that is 99% effective. This is one case where I'd go ahead and indulge her...

[amethyst exchange]

If you've gone from one form of BC [condoms] to now her having an IUD, I almost find your concerns overblown. You've gone from a device that is successful 80% of the time to a device that is 99% effective. This is one case where I'd go ahead and indulge her...

 

I wouldn't...I would continue to wear the condom until I felt like I was in a position where 99% of the time is a safe bet for me. Like I said, you can be even surer than 99% by using both a condom and the IUD...it really depends on how badly you fear getting her pregnant...vs how badly you want to have sex with her.

[Lonewing]

If you fear it too much, you may just cramp her mood altogether, which then means No sex either way...

[Mesemene]

I would tell her since it's 99% effective, but you have sex more than 100 times, sex is more enjoyable for you without the fear of that 1%. And you like being responsible for prevention, not feeling like you're depending on your partner for it. You can always offer a compromise - get some of the thinner skin condoms, and some that have "titillation ridges" and such, and see if there's a brand that feels better to her. While they're more pricey than traditional trojans, I've heard some of the super thin natural lambskin ones provide a much more natural sensation for the female, and allow more sensation for the guy as well.

 

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I would also show her that. The risk of infection and ectopic pregnancy is WAY higher if she ends up being that small percent that gets pregnant while using one. Both are VERY unpleasant and have risk factors for complications - like the potential to cause infertility issues, hemorrhage, and other problems.

 

Even though it's a small chance - using a condom is still protecting her from the results of that. Since you don't want a child together - I'd stick by my guns.

[greywolf]

If I was in a long term relationship with someone who insisted on using condoms even after I got an IUD, I'd be thinking, "Why am I subjecting myself to these hormones (or very painful heavy periods if it's the copper one) if we're using condoms anyway??" I wouldn't be too happy about it either, honestly.

[Fudgie]

I personally use an IUD and nothing else in my relationship. Yes, getting pregnant terrifies me and my boyfriend and I do not want children. Plus, I had most of my stomach removed and only eat about 700 calories a day, so it's not like I could support a baby from a nutritional aspect (this is what my doctor told me). But I know what to do and where to go if I became pregnant. I am okay with that. Yes it would stink and I don't want it to happen but I am willing to take that chance at this point.

 

I don't believe one has to be okay with the idea of having a baby to not use a condom. Because I certainly am not. But you have to be prepared to deal with it if you have sex because if you have sex, there is always a risk. And I am prepared for that.

 

OP, if you don't want to take that risk, keep wearing a condom.