Ended a budding relationship. Need advice and insight :)

[JadeBracelet]

I'm new and this may be long, but I will try to keep in concise and hopefully interesting! I need some thoughts and advice that are unbiased. My guy friends thinks this guy is nuts and he lost an amazing thing (evidently this is me....) and my girlfriends are like "he's a jerk!" well, so was I and I made some bad moves. I'm about 99% sure it is over and a friendship is not even salvageable, but I still would go back out with him again or just hook up again, but the break up was recent so of course I think this. The guy was younger than me by 6 years, I have been pretty much a serial monogamous person throughout my life so dating has never been on the forefront for me. Just some heads up!

 

Back in December 2012 I was dating my roommate. He and I were pretty rocky but fell into a routine and kept trying to remain friends. He took me to a work party when we were just being friends and not really "dating" and he was off flirting with girls and left me at a table with a guy brooding into his beer. He asked me if minded that my boyfriend was hitting on other girls, I told him no but asked if I should storm over to the table and kiss him? He said no I could just sit and talk to him. So I did. Let's call him Craig. Craig spent the rest of the night with us and all night was chatting me up, he had a girlfriend then that he was complaining about. I told him sometimes girls acted a bit crazy and he should just have fun with us, he said "I love you" and grabbed my phone and put his number in. It was cute. We all had fun and I never acted on it and he never contacted me. Craig and roomie have mutual friends that I really like. So whenever Craig was at a gathering with mutual friends we were always happy to see each other...but I never thought anything of it. He was cute but I didn't give him a thought, I actually thought he was out of my league. Then summer of 2013... we are all hanging out a lot and him and I are starting to get flirty. I had gotten back together with roomie then broke up again and I was pretty done with it. Craig and I are really starting to feel sparks. At one gathering we spent the whole night hanging out and talking. He asked me out, I said yes! He was a gentleman. Second time we hung out, a week later, he kissed me and it was the greatest kiss ever and it began.

 

He was romantic, charming, giving, interesting, he offered me a drawer in his apartment, bought me a toothbrush but all the while he said he wasn't wanting anything serious, just fun. He said he felt like we were getting away with something and he was friends with roomie and it was odd. Plus he said a lot of relationships end badly and there is yelling and drama and no more friendship. I was fine with it. My roomie and I had a lot of past issues, I was starting a new job and had other activities so it was cool. He did warn me a couple times throughout that he felt like I might be getting attached, I told him I wasn't and he forgot about it I thought. I really wasn't, I had a crush and an attraction. I thought he did too. He always felt sad when I would just flirt with him. He wanted to watch movies and hold my hand. Which I have to admit I liked.

 

Craig and I got along great, saw each other at least twice a week. We talked about a lot of things both personal and professional. He would send me sweet texts about missing me and wanting to hold me in his arms. He made sure I got home okay and was just wonderful. Roomie eventually found out and was ok with it for a while, but he said since he had helped me so much with past issues I had when I first moved in he was angry about this lack of loyalty. He started dating someone else and when they broke up he started pursuing me again. I declined.

 

Then December came. I went on some new medicine to regulate my periods and it caused a ton of issues with me, on top of my new schedule and being away from my family I was a bit moody. I let him know a little bit but not too much detail. He was becoming more distant but he said it was due to work. On Christmas Day I was so bummed and drank wine while cooking for me and roomie. There was an issue with my phone and so I sent some FB and text messages... and many of my family and friends got multiple messages. Including Craig and he had some from the day before about checking his bag since he put my coat I left over his house a couple days before in a bag and my coat was filthy. So I got a surprised text from him, I quickly apologized and explained, that weekend we were talking and for some reason I don't remember I made a joke about how I felt like I was throwing myself at him because he was becoming so distant and he said I was but he was working and couldn't talk to me about it. I apologized profusely and he called me a couple days later and said everything was fine. We spent the better part of NYE together So it was all forgotten. I should have cooled it when he got distant and trusted he would come back, I mean I had a ton going on too! With my schedule I always have to be more of a planner while he can be more spur of the moment. I also started to try to impress him a lot by getting certain foods for us to cook and taking a while to get wine etc.. instead of just spending time with him I was trying to hard and getting really worried about losing him. He has a friend of a friend that he is in a wedding with who is a female who he was helping on a project with and he was very open about her showering at his apartment, how she was always around when he was with his best friends (she is best friends with his best friends wife) and how she is annoying and he is just trying to be cordial to her, but something wasn't sitting with me.

 

Roomie had also told Craig's best friend about us and we were trying to keep it VERY quiet. So first 2 weeks of January we were hot and heavy and it was great, except for the fact he showed me a pair of underwear that wasn't mine, he was like "hey you left these here!" I told him no, they were not mine. He thought I was kidding. He said they may be really old since he hasn't cleaned in a while and how awkward would it be to ask around the building. They turned out to be the above mentioned friends which he told me about. I was a little annoyed and told him "we are not exclusive so you can sleep with whomever you want, I don't need to hear about it. I just really like you, and it's getting hurtful" he said "I know" and that I was over thinking it. He started giving me the cold shoulder and told me I was being mean. I gave him a huge hug and told him I was sorry. He shrugged it off and didn't kiss me good bye. I sent him an apology message and then the next day an article I thought he would enjoy. Then I evidently sent him a text that i don't remember sending that Wednesday... I guess I was drinking but I don't remember what it said. It may have been something about if he wants to break things off he should let me know.. URGH. Then Friday my friend and I saw someone on a bike that looked like him with the same helmet and everything and it nearly mowed us down. I let him know if that was him he nearly hit us and said it with a he said that was crazy but he was entertaining and he would talk to me later... I told him I hoped he would since I was talking to a wall lately and that he was QUITE entertaining. He texted me very late that night saying he was getting freaked out and needed a time out, he wasn't worth so much effort. I texted him back something very nice but it was a bit "where is this coming from, you are worth it, I think something is going on and you are upset but you won't talk to me" nothing. 2 weeks later I send an olive branch, nothing then the next night I'm like okay.... so I sent him a bit of a flirty message but also a "hey! What is going on with you friend" then I get back a "so you're drunk messaging me again, I'm finally answering you, I don't want to hook up with you anymore, have a good night" I wasn't drunk for one thing but WHAT! I felt taken a back. Since when was it just a hook up. I knew I should have backed off and then I went off on him a little told him I was so embarrassed and mad and felt used, I asked him if he ever really liked me or if just wasted his time. Also I told him he was immature and that this was not the way to handle conflict. I mentioned that if he found someone else he should have let me know.

 

I'm hurt because I could have handled things a lot better. I feel like he may have just used me, do guys just lie and pretend like that? I sent him one more message (I know, dumb) and told him why I was hurt and I was sorry I yelled but I was mad and wished him the best. I told him I was bummed he took his friendship away and I would love to know what happened. I may see him next weekend at roomie's work party and I WILL see him at a wedding in April... oh my goodness I'm nervous. I handled many things wrong, I was at times not myself due to stress and I told him but for some reason it suddenly fell on deaf ears. If he didn't care about me WHY get so upset and cold with me? I miss him a lot, the good times we had. I know I will find someone else one day but it seems hard to think that they will have some of those qualities Craig did and to pursue me like he did? There were red flags and by getting mad and showing vulnerability over possible little things I showed weakness and not strength. If he did like me, do you think I ruined it?

[missmarple]

You didn't ruin anything. He was clear from the start.

 

he said he wasn't wanting anything serious, just fun. He said he felt like we were getting away with something and he was friends with roomie and it was odd. Plus he said a lot of relationships end badly and there is yelling and drama and no more friendship.

 

The problem is you didn't believe him. Now you know that he meant it when he said he didn't want anything serious.

Don't blame yourself.

[JadeBracelet]

You didn't ruin anything. He was clear from the start.

 

he said he wasn't wanting anything serious, just fun. He said he felt like we were getting away with something and he was friends with roomie and it was odd. Plus he said a lot of relationships end badly and there is yelling and drama and no more friendship.

 

The problem is you didn't believe him. Now you know that he meant it when he said he didn't want anything serious.

Don't blame yourself.

 

Oh i believed him, I stated many times that i understood he didn't want anything serious. However his actions showed he was very into me and what we were doing. He ended it in a mean way with no more friendship, not me.

[JadeBracelet]

Right now I question the validity of feelings and if maybe he was dating someone else and wanted to be serious with her? Which would have been a lot easier, just knowing. I also know how I can tell if someone actually likes me after this.. and I do miss him, he had a lot of good qualities that I liked. We got along really well but if I didn;t get so weird over the underwear and backed off I assume I wouldn't be feeling this way now.

[Circe]

From what you have written he ended it that way because he did not believe you were genuinely ok with just being friends, as you were not acting like you'd be ok with it.

 

You say you were just hot and heavy for two weeks before he started distancing? I don't know - if does sound like it was always a hook up for him. You represented yourself as someone who might be ok with that from the very first time you met him - but after he started sleeping with you I think he realised you weren't ok with that and so he started distancing himself as he's not interested in anything more.

 

I don't think you should hold out for a relAtionship with this guy. Move on and don't spend your time with men who are not giving you what you really want and with whom you can't be honest for fear you might lose them.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[JadeBracelet]

Yea he started distancing himself when he said I didn't trust that he wasn't with anyone else. He got really hurt. He wanted me to spend the whole weekend with him and he talked about our future and all the fun things we would do. I wouldnt think someone who wasn't into me would get so hurt. ..... confused. Honestly though I was ok with it being not serious but he was giving mixed signals and he could have ended it nicer.

[Ms Darcy]

I think fundamentally you are mistaking mixed signals for being into you. In my experience it is often just the opposite. Mixed signals means he has mixed feelings about you and that almost never turns into anything more than a time limited hook up. Mixed feelings is what the saying he is just not THAT into you is all about. Sure there was attraction but for whatever reason he did not want more with you and he made that very clear. Unfortunately from what you write I would think you want more than a fwb thing too so it was best to end it. He could have ended it in a better way though.

[JadeBracelet]

I think fundamentally you are mistaking mixed signals for being into you. In my experience it is often just the opposite. Mixed signals means he has mixed feelings about you and that almost never turns into anything more than a time limited hook up. Mixed feelings is what the saying he is just not THAT into you is all about. Sure there was attraction but for whatever reason he did not want more with you and he made that very clear. Unfortunately from what you write I would think you want more than a fwb thing too so it was best to end it. He could have ended it in a better way though.

 

So many people forget the friends part of fwb I was happy to have fun with him and enjoy my time. I still lived with my ex and he made it seem we could go further once I moved out in a few months

 

I think we need to abolish he's just not that into you. It's over used and seems to be a blanket statement. If you're not into them you don't talk to them. You don't sleep with them and pursue them

[Ms Darcy]

I used to have mixed feelings about "he's just not that into you" until someone emphasized the "THAT" piece. It's brilliant because it does leave some room for complexity but also gets you to the bottom line. No matter what you call it or how you phrase it, the bottom line is that it seems he ended it because you were acting like someone who wanted more and he obviously didn't.

 

Often times, fwbs situations hurt one or both people because expectations are different.

 

I don't think it's wise to believe a guy who is having sex with you and tells you he doesn't want a relationship that something "may go further" once you move out. Sounds more like keeping you on a string more than anything.

[calichick007]

I don't think he used you. He told you from the beginning he didn't want anything serious and didn't want you to get attached.... you just didn't listen to him. I'd preserve my dignity and just chalk this one up as a loss.

[JadeBracelet]

I did listen to him I have said repeatedly here that I understood even told him I didn't care if he dated other women.... I think I'm not being listened to now

 

I wish I would have kept my cool. We may have gotten to continue with the fun. I am not sure I know how to figure out if someone is changing their mind... or what? I don't think he used me but there were mixed signals. ..and it was heady he pursued me and i've never been pursued like that. I felt really desired and beautiful.... I don't see meeting anyone like that for a long time. If he called me tonight and asked me to dinner I'd go.

[calichick007]

I did listen to him I have said repeatedly here that I understood even told him I didn't care if he dated other women.... I think I'm not being listened to now

 

I wish I would have kept my cool. We may have gotten to continue with the fun. I am not sure I know how to figure out if someone is changing their mind... or what? I don't think he used me but there were mixed signals. ..and it was heady he pursued me and i've never been pursued like that. I felt really desired and beautiful.... I don't see meeting anyone like that for a long time. If he called me tonight and asked me to dinner I'd go.

 

Everything you're saying here says you didn't listen to him. Characterizing a FWB arrangement as a "budding relationship." "Thought it was going somewhere when I moved out." "I really like you and it's getting hurtful." "Trying too hard and scared of losing him." All the drunk messages and the crazy texts. You caught feelings and wanted more, despite his warnings. You still do. He saw it, and we see it. Nothing wrong with admitting that.