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I posted this story before, but I feel the need to vent as I have been thinking about my ex all afternoon.

 

So, I have been depressed for a few months before my ex broke up with me. We had a couple of arguments occasionally, but I wouldn't say we fought alot. Anyway, I was undergoing a terrible panic attack one night. I could barely keep my emotions together, and my ex was yelling at me. She pulled on my shoulder and I raised a fist but did not it back. Well, afterwards I started to hit myself as that is my way of coping with a panic attack. I was crying about personal trauma and the fact that I nearly hurt my ex. I felt like such a piece of crap. My ex asked me if I could leave and told me we would talk about what happened tomorrow.

 

Well, the next morning, she came over to my dorm to break up with me. She told me she broke up with me because I could potentially be abusive and that she was no longer happy with how depressed I was the last few weeks. She also stated that we fought a lot, which is not true. We bickered, but never truly fought except once or twice. Anyway, I pleaded, begged, wrote her letters, walked to her house in the rain at night to apologize sincerely with a card and a candle; nothing worked. Well, I found out through Tumblr (she posted all of her sexual conquests on there for the first month or so) that my ex was planning on having sex with a guy she emotionally cheated on me with previously. Apparently, she somehow developed feelings for him in a short three day span post-break up. She would tell me throughout the months before she broke up with me that she had no feelings for him anymore, and I trusted her. I felt mortified due to this, and I confronted her about it. She basically told me that I need to learn my lesson so I never abuse anyone else again, and that since she is single she can do whatever she wants sexually with anyone she wishes, which is true but why did it have to be with the guy you emotionally cheated on me with and only a week post-breakup? A couple weeks passed as she asked me for various favors, things that truly trivial, such as "Where do I find the front desk in the library?" just so she could relieve her guilt about ending the relationship with me. She would usually respond, "Thank you, friend." or some similar. Anyway, she desperately wanted to be friends with me, and I desperately wanted her back, of course. Well, she is now in a new relationship with another guy only a month post-break up. I harrased her on Tumblr which was a stupid move on my part, and she told me that she never wanted to speak to me again, and I respected her wishes. It has been nearly 2 months NC, and I must say I am much healthier.

 

One issue that I can't seem to accept is my past. I can't seem to forgive my actions as I am equally to blame. I had to come to terms that I could have possibly hurt my ex. I felt like such a monster. I would never hurt her, I even stopped myself in the terrible state that I was in. I offered therapy and couple counseling, but she wanted nothing to do with it. She didn't want to work through the issues, she just wanted to rid herself of me after a year and a half relationship. How can I forgive myself? It is so difficult. I keep thinking if I could only show her I truly cared, she would take me back. If only.

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Feeling remorseful and like you were to blame is something that happens to people who are in the "bargaining stage" of coping with loss. It's a way of feeling that, if you hadn't done this or that -- if you could change certain things about yourself -- if you could apologize or say certain things -- maybe you can negotiate your way back into the relationship.

 

I think you need to forgive yourself for what happened. It sounds like you each were triggering unhealthy emotions and reactions in each other. Frankly, it sounds to me like your ex was looking for an opportunity to end things and was just using all that as an excuse. She was cheating while you were together and quickly moved on to other guys after the breakup.

 

If she had second thoughts after the breakup -- and wasn't just using you as a safety net -- she would've pushed to reconcile instead of to just be friends.

 

At some point you need to take off the rose-tinted glasses and look at who she is and what she's done. She's cheated on you, called you an abuser, blamed YOU for the breakup, tried to use you as a "friend" when it's convenient for her.... really NOT a very nice person.

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