The half rejection: How do I bow out with minimal upset

[coffeecorner]

LOL, come on! Why on earth would he dislike you just because you asked him out for a cup of coffee?? That doesn't make any sense!

 

Unless there's something you're not telling us, there's no way he dislikes you because of that. Ice cold could also mean awkward...I've been accused of being cold in situations when I just felt uncomfortable.

 

When I say dislike I mean that's how I feel being avoided and hardly spoken to. This is what's giving me the urge to talk to him, because this reaction seems extreme. prior to asking him to coffee all I'd done was invite everyone to dinner via facebook. We really are like passing ships in the night because he comes home so late each night so there's been no chance for me to do anything to upset him.

[coffeecorner]

I dunno... I get this feeling you are being over dramatic... but maybe like marples said, maybe you are not telling us everything

 

Well I feel dramatic because of my past experience with rejection over a guy. I'm very aware of how emotional I can get and I have had a similar experience years ago where I blew everything out of proportion because of how hurt and desperate I was in that situation. This is why I've come to you guys because I wanted a safe place to mull over my emotions without reacting badly in front of my house mates and I simply don't have a friendship group that I can have a good moan to in order to get over it.

 

I mean doesn't everyone feel like this sometimes?

 

As my counsellor says I might not be about to stop my emotions because that's who I am but I can control them and how I choose to react to them.

[coffeecorner]

It's probably best not to date anyone you live with anyway, that can get complicated, fast. Can you bring up neutral conversation with him? Ie, did you hear about the new movie coming out...?

 

We'll see, unlike the others in the house we weren't very close anyway (because he's hardly home). The whole point of going for coffee was to get talking more and see what we had in common. I guess in the end I can only do so much.

 

I'm just stuck between "omg what have I done, what's wrong with me" and "well it's his loss". haha

[Liraele]

I'm pretty sure by his immediate "bring the gang" comment that he'd felt the date vibe and tried to get out of it. And if he didn't think it was a date, then why ignore me and my request

 

I guess this what he feels is best.

 

You're making a pretty big assumption.

 

I think if you relax a bit, he will too. Try it and see. If not, then lesson learned and you can keep your distance and still maintain your mutual friendships. You're letting a fairly simple thing be a Big Deal, and it sounds like you may be internalizing the hurt that wasn't warranted or intended.

[coffeecorner]

You're making a pretty big assumption.

 

I think if you relax a bit, he will too. Try it and see. If not, then lesson learned and you can keep your distance and still maintain your mutual friendships. You're letting a fairly simple thing be a Big Deal, and it sounds like you may be internalizing the hurt that wasn't warranted or intended.

 

Haha really? Assumption about which part?

 

I will try and relax. Like I say I'm keeping all this over thinking on here and so far I've played it as cool as I can in person. We're all going to dinner this Friday, Mr. grumpy won't be there, but at least I can behave normal in front of everyone else and sometimes speaking to the guys gives me a whole new perspective... or at least a few laughs anyway.

[Liraele]

Haha really? Assumption about which part?

 

I will try and relax. Like I say I'm keeping all this over thinking on here and so far I've played it as cool as I can in person. We're all going to dinner this Friday, Mr. grumpy won't be there, but at least I can behave normal in front of everyone else and sometimes speaking to the guys gives me a whole new perspective... or at least a few laughs anyway.

 

About what went through his head.

 

Unless you're a mind reader.

 

In which case... I'd like to hire you for a few days.

[Lorem Ipsum]

I mean doesn't everyone feel like this sometimes?

yes, everyone hates being turned down. And your counselor is right, you feel what you feel but you have control over how you react to things, what actions you take.

 

And you're going to go through a bunch of different stages. You're going to hope that he'll change his mind. You're going to hope that you'll meet someone else and he'll regret what he gave up. This is part of the reason why I said you should work on developing new friendships, you need to have something to do to keep you distracted from this.

 

You may not see it now, but you've done yourself a favour. I don't know how long you've been crushing on this guy but at least now you know. You know that there's no possibility and you can move forward. You can stop spending time and energy wishing for something that's not going to happen. It sucks and it hurts, but it's not the end of the world. You will survive this and one day you will find someone who will say yes.

[mhowe]

I would agree with you. And it would be ideal but I always become drawn to those nearest to me. I don't attract men in the conventional ways because of the way I look so guys usually need to get to know me before they show interest and the only ways I can do that is when I'm near enough to them on a regular basis so as Lorem Ipsum said it was bound to happen in this situation.

 

But he wasn't showing any interest in getting to know you.

And you sisnt want a coffee date to get to know him better...you wanted to see if your crush was reciprocated...and it isn't.

No harm....in the long run.

 

But as others have mentioned... your social circle needs to extend beyond your housemates.

[savignon]

I agree that he didn't seem interested in the first place ...no biggie. If you act like it's no big deal, he will too. And definitively make new friends outside of your roommates and don't date any of them or even their friends. Keep all that separate.

What do you mean by you don't attract people "because of your looks"? I find that hard to believe. Your insecurity is probably more transparent than you think and that's half the battle. Sounds like you're making strides on that end with your counselor which is great...I happen to love all things therapy and self-help related.