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The half rejection: How do I bow out with minimal upset


coffeecorner

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So I've took the plunge and asked a guy out. I went with a casual "would you like to go for a coffee with me" over facebook as he's usually quite busy and we don't see each other that much.

 

His response was, "bring the gang".

I said "well the gang are going out for dinner instead" (referring to separate plans we'd made, that the guy in question has already said he can't make.

He then said "I have half an hour free here and there"

I said "Well I guess that could work so when?"

 

To which no reply.

 

So it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to go with me and he's trying to let me down easy, which isn't easy at all as it's not a firm answer. If he responds with a time/date do I tell him I know he's not keen or do I just go along with it and potentially suffer through coffee with a guy who's not interested. And if he takes the excuses route how do I cut it short?

 

 

I wish he'd just said no thanks, so what now?

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Yeah, it sounds like he's just really not interested. I would just chalk it up to experience, as Lorem Ipsum said, and move forward. Don't mention it at all. Just act like it never happened. That'll keep the awkwardness to a minimum.

 

I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I applaud you for asking, anyway! You're a lot braver than I am. If I tried to ask a guy out, I'd probably faint.

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Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

I guess it was brave, but it doesn't make it any less sucky. I've approached dating in so many different ways over the years and it doesn't matter what I do I just have this habit of being attracted to guys who never see me as a catch. The most common issue is that I gain a little interest/curious/intrigue from them but it always dwindles within weeks.

 

Recently I think I don't care if it's true love or soul mates or whatever. I'd just like someone to spend enjoyable time with even if it doesn't lead to forever as long as their's attraction and our personalities don't clash too much.

 

On to the next

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Awesome job for you putting yourself out there!!!

 

Seriously - I often wonder how many people miss opportunities because they're too afraid to face rejection. At least you're willing to try - and not torment yourself with "I wonder if..." later down the line.

 

Ok, it sucks being rejected. However, having been there - it sucks as much or more being too much of a coward to find out. And there will be guys that will appreciate that. In the meantime - is there any special interest groups or classes you might enjoy to meet compatible people? Any activities or anything? Sometimes knowing from the outset you've got plenty to talk about helps.

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I would continue talking to him as if nothing happened and if he brought up meeting and if the time/place was convenient for me, I'd go for a cup of coffee with him. You never know...he might introduce you to someone else...although I'm not sure if you're already friends? I don't get the 'gang' comment.

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I would continue talking to him as if nothing happened and if he brought up meeting and if the time/place was convenient for me, I'd go for a cup of coffee with him. You never know...he might introduce you to someone else...although I'm not sure if you're already friends? I don't get the 'gang' comment.

 

Well the mini back story of our "gang" is we live together (5 flat mates in all). They're all guys. They all met in various different ways (friends of friends etc) and moved in together. Last year I moved here and came to live with them.

 

Anyway I've not said anything about the coffee thing. As I say we hardly see each other. But tonight he's genuinely behaved as if we'd had a big argument. He grunted a "hi" really serious and sternly and barely moved out of the way when I tried to get passed him on the stairs. He was talking to some others in this "gang" and the atmosphere was like a school yard where two friends fall out and one friend (me) can't hang out with the group.

 

The others still behave as normal and as I passed Mr. grumpy another guy specifically said hello to me and gave me a look as if to say "what's up with you two?".

 

I get that turning someone down is frustrating but I've done absolutely nothing since asking that one coffee question. He can't bare to be near me and I feel so depressed, not because he's obviously not into me, but because everything's become so heavy.

 

I mean I can live with it but I have my own insecurities/problems with making friends/personal issues/previous guy trauma and this situation is something I genuinely dread because it feels like no step I take can get me out of it without looking pathetic.

 

I really wanted to hangout with them tonight but I knew that was off the cards so I just sat in my room ignoring the laughter from downstairs.

 

What can I do without loosing my house mates?

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Now I get it. Ok, it's a complicated situation, being roommates and all.

First of all, I'm sure that the reason he avoided you is that he feels uncomfortable. It's a good thing that you hardly see each other, it means he'll get over it soon.

Second, I don't see why you can't continue behaving just like before and why you would look pathetic. It's not like you threw yourself on him, you just asked him out for a cup of coffee.

Don't make this into something bigger than it is..oh, and next time they all sit together, go sit with them. If you act like something has changed, the others will, too.

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Now I get it. Ok, it's a complicated situation, being roommates and all.

First of all, I'm sure that the reason he avoided you is that he feels uncomfortable. It's a good thing that you hardly see each other, it means he'll get over it soon.

Second, I don't see why you can't continue behaving just like before and why you would look pathetic. It's not like you threw yourself on him, you just asked him out for a cup of coffee.

Don't make this into something bigger than it is..oh, and next time they all sit together, go sit with them. If you act like something has changed, the others will, too.

 

This... You need to go back and act like nothing. I know it's hard! But seriously, if you can put yourself out there for a guy, you can totally muster the strength to get over the rejection too. IF it helps, practice acting like your old self in the mirror before you go out there and sit with them. It really helps- I am a detached person but acting really helps me.

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It only has to become awkward if you both let it. As missmarple said, you just have to act as if it never happened. That may not be easy, but it's what you're going to have to do. No one else needs to know the reason why he's grumpy and don't start obviously favouring the others over him. It would also help if you start cultivating relationships outside of your flatmates. It's hard being the only girl surrounded by guys, and it was bound to happen that one of you would start to have feelings for another. It'll take some time, but so long as you can keep moving forward, don't bring it up again and act normally, it should blow over.

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Now I get it. Ok, it's a complicated situation, being roommates and all.

First of all, I'm sure that the reason he avoided you is that he feels uncomfortable. It's a good thing that you hardly see each other, it means he'll get over it soon.

Second, I don't see why you can't continue behaving just like before and why you would look pathetic. It's not like you threw yourself on him, you just asked him out for a cup of coffee.

Don't make this into something bigger than it is..oh, and next time they all sit together, go sit with them. If you act like something has changed, the others will, too.

 

Thanks, I will try to behave as normal. I just feel pathetic because if I confronted him, I might seem needy (I won't confront him) or if I hang out near him it'll be the elephant in the room and being near him may make him grumpier/ruder.

 

I'm not trying to please him I just can't bare being disliked when my intentions were good. Prior to this he'd really warmed up to me but now it's ice cold.

 

I'm going to continue doing nothing for now.

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And you need to learn to try and not date where you sleep. As you can see, it can turn acquaintences awkward.

 

I would agree with you. And it would be ideal but I always become drawn to those nearest to me. I don't attract men in the conventional ways because of the way I look so guys usually need to get to know me before they show interest and the only ways I can do that is when I'm near enough to them on a regular basis so as Lorem Ipsum said it was bound to happen in this situation.

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I'm not trying to please him I just can't bare being disliked when my intentions were good. Prior to this he'd really warmed up to me but now it's ice cold.

 

LOL, come on! Why on earth would he dislike you just because you asked him out for a cup of coffee?? That doesn't make any sense!

 

Unless there's something you're not telling us, there's no way he dislikes you because of that. Ice cold could also mean awkward...I've been accused of being cold in situations when I just felt uncomfortable.

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It only has to become awkward if you both let it. As missmarple said, you just have to act as if it never happened. That may not be easy, but it's what you're going to have to do. No one else needs to know the reason why he's grumpy and don't start obviously favouring the others over him. It would also help if you start cultivating relationships outside of your flatmates. It's hard being the only girl surrounded by guys, and it was bound to happen that one of you would start to have feelings for another. It'll take some time, but so long as you can keep moving forward, don't bring it up again and act normally, it should blow over.

 

Thanks, I hope it does blow over, I'm just surprised that, considering we live together, he's chosen the ignore approach instead of just being straight with me. But it's his right to go about it as he chooses.

 

I'm hopeful I can make other friends/boyfriend, I'll just have to wait and see. It's hard being on your own in a new town not to mention it's coastal so the population is minuscule.

 

But anyway I'll keep trying.

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I might be missing a key piece here, but that sounds awfully vague.

 

Are you sure he knows you asked him out?

 

I'm pretty sure by his immediate "bring the gang" comment that he'd felt the date vibe and tried to get out of it. And if he didn't think it was a date, then why ignore me and my request

 

I guess this what he feels is best.

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