Unsure....

[Rachel22]

Before I tell my story, I want to thank those taking the time to read. My husband and I have been married for 15 years. Things started getting really bad after our first child. It began with him calling me names to finally hitting me until I was a bloody mess. We filed for divorce and signed a bunch of legal papers over a year ago. But decided to live in our home together because of finances and our kids while waiting for our divorce to be finalized. The abuse only got worse. I knew that I needed to move as far away from him as possible.

I started going out to get away and eventually met another man through friends of mine. We hit it off from the start and became good friends. He didn't want anything serious because he planned on moving out of state within the next couple years. He didn't want anyone getting attached to him or vice versa.

We saw each other more and eventually became more involved. He'd come over to sit with me after being beaten and was protective. He was a comfort. I knew that eventually I would need to get away from my husband. I didn't know how I'd do it. But I would. When this other man came along, he treated me so well. We'd go on little trips together. He also introduced me to his family. Unlike my husband, if I can call him that since I have been emotionally divorced from him for a while now, I was respected. Before my friend left, we had already gotten too involved. So I decided to ask him what he thought about me moving there with him. He wasn't sure how to respond and he'd help me move but made it clear I shouldn't move for him. That probably was a red flag. Or was it? He seemed a little shocked when I told him I was moving- no questions. I would bring my kids to live there after I got things situated. But, as always he said he wasn't ready to be a role model for any kids. It wasn't in his plans whatsoever to do this. I am still worried about it though and hope he changes his mind when he's around them more. But it still raises a question whether he will. Another red flag?

Everything was going well until one day I glanced at a cell phone bill he had laying around. I noticed a particular number he had been texting on a regular basis. The frequency of these texts got the better of me. So, I hid his cell from him in order to buy time for some investigation. It was wrong. I'm now even more confused. The mystery person connected to the number was obviously a girl he was very close to. Maybe too close. Idk. He'd text that he was attached to her and didn't realize how much she meant to him until after the move. Things like, "I can't get you outa my head beautiful woman" and "I miss you" he'd text her. Also how special she was to him. It hurts just writing it. One of their conversations pertained to her insisting they weren't right for one another. He disagreeing with her, saying they were right for one another. He referred to them sharing a long lasting type of love. Yes. Love. A deep love. What? He confessed he had always been drawn to her and stayed away because he knew he could become seriously involved with her. Then there was the one conversation that still pops in my head, making me wonder whether he truly wants to be with me. She told him that she didn't know we had planned on moving together. Apparently she was aware of who I was. She was actually happy for us. But he replied that he wasn't with me because of anything he did and he didn't "choose" me. That I insisted I was coming with him. But he had realized I did, after all, move for him. The text wasn't as if he was even happy I had moved. It seemed he was confiding in her about how he really felt. I can't help but feel he's not too serious about us. But why would he tell her those things? If a man wants to be with a woman he would. Right? And I'm the one he's with. We have fun together. But have had our arguments. Mainly because he's now working 3 jobs. So it doesn't leave much time for us. I see myself with him in the future. But is there a future, after my divorce, even though he has issues with being a step parent?

My kids aren't happy and miss their dad. I just want to be happy. Maybe he feels pushed into being with me. I need some serious advice and another perspective on what may be going on. Thanks again for reading.

[Seraphim]

This is not the man for you. Not at all . He can't see himself being a step parent but you have kids. That is the biggest no right there.

[Circe]

First - what were you thinking continuing to share a house with a man who beat you until you were a bloody mess? You put yourself and your kids in SUCH a dangerous situation by doing that.

 

Thank god you are gone now - however you could and should have left on your own - you didn't need a man to rescue you.

 

This man came and sat with you to comfort you after you'd been beaten? Why didn't he call the police on your husband??? Why didn't you???

 

All that aside - this guy is not with you because he wants to be with you above anyone else. He's with you because the girl he is most interested in doesn't want to be with him - and you've moved over there and you're convenient and available.

 

And the worst thing of all is - he hasn't even really lied to you. He's not being 100% clear because he doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he's not interested in a lifelong commitment to you or sharing being a parent to your kids.

 

It's just not good. Time to end this and look after yourself and your kids for a while. It may be a good time for relationships later down the track but right now you really need to work on your own life - work on getting some confidence for one thing. Confidence to know you don't have to stay in a house with an abuser. Confidence to not be a temporary consolation prize for some guy while he waits for something better.

[Rachel22]

Thank you for the replies. Victoria66, I agree with you to an extent and see why you might think this. But is there any possibility that a person who didn't want to be a role model for kids may later change their mind? He didn't say he didn't want to be a step-parent. But that he wasn't prepared to be in this situation and it was never part of his plan. Isn't it the same as saying he's not prepared but he's willing to make an exception because he does in fact love me? He never said "I do not want this under any certain terms." I'm not arguing your point. I just want to uncover every possibility.

Circe, I lived under the same roof because I didn't want to disrupt his relationship with our kids. Also due to financial issues, insurance and other things. I'm the one my husband targets. He's never been physically abusive to our kids. That was the reason I felt comfortable enough to leave them behind with their father for 2 months in order for me to make the move. I actually got into an argument with a friend over me leaving them behind to go shack up with another man. She considered me a self-centered, no good mother for abruptly moving without them, then yanking them away to live somewhere in the middle of the school year. Plus exposing them to someone besides their dad. I did what I had to do. I also knew that if I didn't move at that time, I'd lose this man for good. He was okay to leave me behind. I not so much.

As far as calling the police after the beatings, he insisted he report it and that I go to the hospital. But I was the one who stopped him from taking me. I probably brought one incident on myself. It happened the day I returned from a 5 day vacation with my friends. One of them being my now boyfriend. So, I felt guilty.

Do u really think he only wants to be with me because I'm convenient? Your observations make some sort of sense though. He did text her that the only reason I was an exception was due to my persistence. They made fun of me demanding that I was moving in spite of him saying that I should only go bc I want to move. Not to move for him. I guess she was surprised someone could be so ambitious.

In response to your other comment about him wanting to really be with her and her wanting the opposite; from what I could tell, they had a mutual attraction. But after he told her a while back that he didn't want to get attached to anyone because he was moving, she let him go. It was kind of silly. A text stating that she would've never kept him from moving because she knew it was a dream of his. Her way of loving is setting that person free. Sounds like a lot of bs goody two shoes type of talk. And he seemed to fall for it. She even had the balls to ask him what he was doing with me since I was still married and had kids. He had apparently told her that hedidn't want to be a step-parent. This left her puzzled.

I had a tough time reading what you wrote about the real reason he's with me. It could all be true. But another possibility could be that he told her all this because he really wanted to be with me and didn't want to hurt her.It does sort of look as if he was only making an excuse to not get involved with her because he was moving. By getting involved with me basically says to her that he was just not that interested in being involved with her at all. He did tell me the same thing though. But changed his mind.

I knew he was still in contact with several women he had been involved with. I'm now thinking she is one of them. I didn't care if he stayed friends with any of them. I just didn't want to know who.I knew they were most likely in his circle of friends on Google. But there was always this one in particular who made comments. Her name was similar to the one he had been texting.We never voiced we were committed or even changed our relationship statuses on there. He even told her that he had trouble changing it to being in a relationship.It may not matter anymore though,because we both have changed our statuses. But after he changed it,I noticed one less person in his friend list. It was the same girl. I think.Oh God. Was it coincidence that he delete this person before changing his status? If what he texted was true,maybe this is the girl. But if he wasn't serious about us,why change his status in the first place?Should I put their texts behind me?Is it possible that he no longer has feelings for her and he's now realizing he only wants me?

[Seraphim]

I would not even wait around for him to even consider changing his mind. Your kids are more valuable than this joker.