No contact for 1 year....and then he came back...but....

[jald]

THE BEGINNING : We met twice, as if by fate. On the 2nd day that I met him, we had a date and one week later, I moved in his house....which turned into a passionate, adventurous relationship that lasted for 6 years. We were so in love. We traveled the world...we lived in different countries together. Each of our wonderful moments captured in beautiful photographs.

 

THE END : But we started changing by the 5th year. He started to fall out of love for me. He got consumed with the pursuit of his profession while I was already making money in my profession. He left me on the beach, crying, on our vacation. We had 3 days of crying into each other's arms, not wanting to let go. We still loved each other when we broke up...but he just couldn't be in the relationship anymore. He just wanted to be free...from the passions, the fights, the tumultousness, the thinking, the complexities.

 

One year passes.......NO CONTACT. We are now in different continents. I am rising to dizzying heights in my profession. He has just gotten into medical school. I stopped checking his page on FB and he stopped posting. I focused on myself - my fitness. I started to feel beautiful again. I met new friends. And about 3 weeks ago, I started to enjoy the possibility of dating again. I was getting asked on dates by very handsome, successful men. I was enjoying my time with my new female friends, going out. It's been a year and I feel mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically great

 

ON THURSDAY : I was at Topshop, shopping for new jeans and a top. I was in the change room. I will never forget that moment. I look down on my phone and there was a message from him. It simply said, " I am flying into your country. I landed just now at the airport. I want to see you. I want to talk. No pressure. I know it's been a year since we talked. I can understand ". It took me 5 mins to respond with my number.

 

THE EVENING : We met in the most romantic of gardens with beautiful restaurants and bars. We were like two old acquaintances when we approached each other slowly under the trees and lights. We actually stopped and looked at each other. Then we hugged...for a very long time. We talked like old friends at the restaurant. It was a blur. I felt like I was out of my body. I wasn't nervous. He looked the same - beautiful as ever. I did notice though that when I neared my hand towards his, he would grab my fingers and hold onto them. But I remained calm. We bar hopped and had a decent good time ( in light of the situation ). I actually had a thought, " OMG. I think I am over him. I am not nervous ". I did notice that he was SLIGHTLY flirting with me. When I said that I was going to get a hotel bc it was difficult to get a taxi back to my place after we finished partying, he asked if he could stay too since he had the same problem.

 

THE INTIMACY : Of course it happened. But it happened after an hour or two of lying in bed. He started getting closer and we were talking, face to face, lying side by side on the bed like we did when we were a couple in the one country we lived in. That's what we used to do. But we talked for a long time. He told me this :

a) The he loves me ( but it sounds more like the " I care about you " - not the " in love with you " )

b) That for a whole year of silence, he thought of me.

c) That he dated a woman 8 MONTHS AFTER me and it only lasted 1 month. He talked about me to her...and it fizzled. Who knows? Maybe they'll get back together now. You never know with this thing called love and life.

d) That he truly missed me

 

He kept on touching my skin, burying his face in the crook of my neck as we had our arms wrapped around each other tightly. His heart was pounding so much that it actually made me laugh out loud and exclaim, " My god, your heart is pounding so much...I can feel it in your thighs and the back of your head! ". He said, " I know..I'm nervous ". But strangely enough, I wasn't. I loved the warmth ....oh how I loved it, but I wasn't nervous. I tried to stop the intimacy but it was too difficult.

 

Finally, in the end, I asked him, " What is this? Why are you here? "...He said simply, " To be close...emotionally and physically ".

 

But of course, the next day, the sun came up....and he was closed off a little. Perhaps, I asked the question too much ( " What do you want? Why are you here? " ). I dropped him off at the airport as he had a flight to catch. We hugged ever so tightly...and that was it. I howled and cried when I got back home bc I felt my strength slip away. I was so strong and I let one night with him, get the best of me. For him to get the upper hand.

 

BUT...and this is the BUT in the title.....

 

Even though he came back NOT in the way I wanted him...I realised some important things in the course of the break up and NC that we had for one year :

 

a) We are haunted by each other. All this time, I thought I was the only one haunted by the thoughts of him. But he is too. He gave it away when he said, " I don't think I can have a normal regular relationship with anyone for a long time after you. You stay in my head but I am not ready for a relationship again with you. It was too passionate, too tumultous, too all-consuming and I have to focus on my profession ( medicine ) ".

 

b) That I am a very good woman : The NC made me into a truly beautiful, warm woman with open arms and heart. I am not afraid to love...but he is. And it's very sad. I told him, before he left, when we were lying in bed, side by side again, staring into each other's eyes...." You need to fix this ( pointing to his chest ). YOu will know what I mean one day ".

 

c) I'm in love with the GHOST of him. You see, he NO LONGER exists...the one I love. He is now a different person..and it's a bittersweet realisation of course. But it has also propelled me to COMPLETELY move on. To actually look at the many handsome, successful, kind men around me - pining away for me ( to be honest ).

 

d) I am hurt....but I am hurt more at the FACT that I was weak in front of him ( by sleeping with him ). He caught me off guard. I was so overwhelmed with the moment of him being there in front of me ( after I was starting to forget him - a faded memory ).

 

And so, therein lies the " but " in the title. They come back...but not the same selves. It's like " Pet Semetary " ( that Stephen King novel ). So do not hold onto NC as a means for them to come back. I definitely did not ( to the point that I was surprised by the email that I didn't think things through ). But meeting him again had the reverse effect....it made things clearer rather than complicate things...and maybe that's what he realised too and that's why he was cruel in the end as if to slew me once and for all

[sharky988]

I love the analogy of "Pet Semetary" -- so true!

 

Why was he in your country? It sounds like a stopover between flights? Or did he only come to see you? To me, that's the most telling part of this story.

 

By the way -- you have EVERY RIGHT to ask him what he was doing and why. Anyone would ask those questions and be entitled to an answer. "To be close" and have sex with you is NOT a great answer, imo.

[jald]

I love the analogy of "Pet Semetary" -- so true!

 

Why was he in your country? It sounds like a stopover between flights? Or did he only come to see you? To me, that's the most telling part of this story.

 

By the way -- you have EVERY RIGHT to ask him what he was doing and why. Anyone would ask those questions and be entitled to an answer. "To be close" and have sex with you is NOT a great answer, imo.

 

He was just passing through to another country. In other words, he wanted to touch me to probably confirm something. That's what hurt. I let my strength go. He has his weaknesses too...and I am sure he fell in his own way. But so did I. Never again. Also, we don't think of sex in a " bad " way or " negative " way that most people do. We find it a very intimate thing - another form of expression with each other. It was always a physically close relationship. The 2nd time we met, we just held hands....and we were complete strangers then.

[sharky988]

Meh. He was passing through and thought he'd try to score some sex with an ex during a layover.

 

Most people don't think of sex as being negative or bad.... but it sounds like you've got A LOT more invested romantically and emotionally than he does.

 

I'd also say most people would say that sex is a form of intimacy and an expression of love.... do you really think anyone who's posting here didn't have a "physically close" relationship with their ex? Sex and intimacy is a part of being in love. Unless they're just looking for a toss in the hay, and sadly that's what your ex sounds like he was up for.

[Brotherhood67]

Yep...

 

Sounds pretty much like some kind of unexpected boo** call... No offense...

 

On the good side, it made you realize some things about him, which wil help you in your healing process !

[jonyyy]

What if he wanted to try again with you? Would you go for it?

[sharky988]

If he wanted to try again... he had plenty of time to say so.

[jonyyy]

I'm asking from jald's standpoint, not his.

 

Trying to understand if even after 1 year NC we can still love them.

[sharky988]

OP has a very romantic concept of what transpired. If you want to know what her ex was thinking, you'd have to ask HIM, not her.

 

You can love someone 20 years after a breakup. 30 years, even -- I can attest to that! But I don't think you're doing the OP any favors by entertaining the notion this was some big love connection.... the guy was looking to hook up on a layover.

[jonyyy]

OP has a very romantic concept of what transpired. If you want to know what her ex was thinking, you'd have to ask HIM, not her.

 

You can love someone 20 years after a breakup. 30 years, even -- I can attest to that! But I don't think you're doing the OP any favors by entertaining the notion this was some big love connection.... the guy was looking to hook up on a layover.

 

I'm sorry I'm not making myself clear. I would like to know IF he was up to it (let's assume he was), would she want to try again. Or if what we are in love and miss is the old Ex that we used to love which is very different from the current one. Did she feel that difference? I'm also asking this because I remember reading her thread in the healing after breakup section and particularly because of this one post she did in the Post here instead of contact your Ex thread. That post resonated a lot to me.

 

But ok, jald if my questions trouble you please just say so, I stop.

[sharky988]

Really -- is that helping OP to face reality? IF he was interested, he would have said so. Whether or not she'd take him back is immaterial.