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How do you guys do it!?


amethyst exchange

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I have for years, tried to understand how people can endure the fear and concern when it comes to sex with someone. Never mind the shame and disappointment after it!

 

I meet women, we have a nice time out, a month or two come around and then...the inevitable happens and I stall, because I'm not very good at this sort of stuff. I mean I try really really hard but I never feel like I succeed at this stuff. The whole time we're having sex I'm terrified that I'll be a disappointment, and that inhibits my performance. I don't think I've ever enjoyed an encounter with a woman because I've been so concerned about her enjoying it and me not failing in that...that well, I don't get very far.

 

And then afterwards I feel so ashamed and annoyed because I know I'm not good at this, that I feel sick in my stomach. Some times I can't bare to look that person in the face again. I thought it was supposed to be fun, and calming and enjoyable...but my experiences have suggested that it's none of those things. It's frightening and nerve-wracking and it worries me that I'm not very good at it, I feel like I should be ok at it at least...but I never feel like I've done it right.

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Have you been in love yet? Deeply trusted a woman?

 

Maybe if you just go ahead and take the pressure off of having sex by waiting and being with a woman who you really like and letting the relationship build, and talking to her about this, you and her can work through this together.

 

In my experience, it's a whole different experience when it's with someone you can talk to and trust to honor your feelings. It's different when you love and are committed to each other. If I cared about a guy, and he shared something like this with me, I wouldn't judge him on in. I'd want him to be comfortable enough to share things with me, and wouldn't push him to do anything he wasn't ready for.

 

Do you feel the women you have been dating have an expectation for sex at about the one month point? There's more than one way to skin a cat, as they say. What works for some people doesn't necessarily work for all, and not in all situations. Maybe you need to take it a little slower for now? More communication and time.

 

Another option would be to talk to a therapist about it. Actually, you could do both of these at the same time if you wanted. Continue dating and taking it slow, build up trust and respect with one person, and seeing a therapist.

 

I personally don't see why a sex surrogate would be a good idea at this point. Isn't that someone you pay to have sex with you? Ok, I know it isn't that simple - but there is sexual activity included in the 'therapy'. I don't know you personally, but it doesn't sound like you are on a level where that would be necessary! I think these are issues you could work through in other ways. I think it could introduce other issues to go seek out a sex surrogate.

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I'll tell you what I did, although I'm not a lady's man with a huge amount of experience. I do know how to treat a woman, the old fashioned way. And when I was dating my girlfriend long enough to where we started to sleep together, the first focus was on the cuddling, touching, and for us...we talked, much about how much we loved each other. At the critical juncture, I asked her, "what can I do to make you feel good?" I'm guessing most girls will respond like mine did, and communicate what they want, need, and desire.

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You need to communicate. Its easy if you have an understanding partner who can give you some instruction/feedback.

 

Sex is rarely perfect the first few times. It takes patience, consistency and give and take as well as plenty of communication.

 

Have you tried going at a slower pace? Like touching first for awhile and learn how to make her orgasm that way before moving onto oral? And then sex? It makes you both feel more relaxed and comfortable together before intercourse

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You need to practice with the same person.. It's probably messing you up that your having different people a limited amount of times and not having sex hundreds of times with one girl....

 

But anyway, You need to own it bro. be the porn star you were born to be. Grab your stuff and rub it on there vagina way before you stick it in, touch everything and anything they will let you touch.. Stick it anywhere they will let you. Kiss everywhere they will let you. Just do it slow... Don't hyper-jackhammer..They hate that..

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I have for years, tried to understand how people can endure the fear and concern when it comes to sex with someone. Never mind the shame and disappointment after it!

 

Because there isn't any. Or there shouldn't be any.

 

You need to deal with these before you have sex. Therapy or something. You shouldn't have to live in fear of sex, you shouldn't be ashamed of it or yourself.

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I at one point didn't have sex with a woman I dated for very nearly six months. Nor did we do any of the 'lead up to' things except for the last couple weeks before (largely because I was stalling for six months and was actively avoiding being in the position of it happening). If anything it made everything worse, because I knew she'd be expecting it to be awesome...and I know I'm not. The whole time all I could think of was 'Jeez I wasted this woman's six months....she could do far better than me....why is she even settling for me...'. Then we had a big fight because, well, she wanted to go again....and I didn't understand her reasons for wanting to and really just wanted to curl up somewhere by myself. It made me feel worse when she tried to make me feel better...and for a while I did my best to hide how nasty I felt inside to spare her my insanity but you can't hide stuff like that forever.

 

I don't tend to trust people, most of my experiences with women have been, unpleasant and in general have felt like I was betrayed in one fashion or another by them. In more recent history I've just taken any sign a woman has any interest in me as a sign of insincerity, because they don't want me, they want what I project outwards when I have the time and the energy to project that 'cool and collected and confident' look, but it's properly exhausting, and I don't trust that they can accept me when the facade breaks and the masquerade collapses.

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You need to communicate. Its easy if you have an understanding partner who can give you some instruction/feedback.

 

Sex is rarely perfect the first few times. It takes patience, consistency and give and take as well as plenty of communication.

 

Have you tried going at a slower pace? Like touching first for awhile and learn how to make her orgasm that way before moving onto oral? And then sex? It makes you both feel more relaxed and comfortable together before intercourse

 

I engage in foreplay, I try my best to do whatever I can before I have to progress to the next stage. I don't even accept oral before or after...or even handjobs, though I'm perfectly willing to give, because I have to. My whole position is that my needs are irrelevant (because...let's face it, they are...) in comparison to her satisfaction. Plus I don't want her to feel the stress of feeling like she needs to do extra stuff to make me happy...because she doesn't need to...I'm easy to get off, too easy. I just feel that women in general can do better than me, maybe I have unacceptable expectations for myself...I don't know...but I often feel that I let my partners down...because that's what I am.

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...and for a while I did my best to hide how nasty I felt inside to spare her my insanity but you can't hide stuff like that forever.

 

I don't tend to trust people, most of my experiences with women have been, unpleasant and in general have felt like I was betrayed in one fashion or another by them. In more recent history I've just taken any sign a woman has any interest in me as a sign of insincerity, because they don't want me, they want what I project outwards when I have the time and the energy to project that 'cool and collected and confident' look, but it's properly exhausting, and I don't trust that they can accept me when the facade breaks and the masquerade collapses.

 

If you keep doing this you'll end up extremely biter (you seem well on the way). So you put on the mask in order to present yourself as something you clearly are not and when a woman don't fall for that you feel betrayed? Ask yourself who's standards you are trying to live up to? Let the ladys decide whether they want you or not. You should not be the one to make that decision for them, it's their choice. If you keep pretending that you are something you are not, aren't you the one who is insincere. Think about who you want to be, make up your own standards that you'll live up to and feel satisfied with yourself. You owe it to yourself and thats not to be compromised for any woman. Also, what exactly are you trying/expecting to accomplish with this fake attitude? What makes you think it can ever lead to happiness.

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You have to realize that the vast majority of my relationships don't get anywhere because I, upon meeting someone who is flirting with me, will say, 'here's the thing, I'm incredibly broken and really not a nice person when it comes down to it...and frankly you can do better'. Surprisingly there are a few women who...do not believe me when I'm perfectly blunt with them. I never initiate sex...either...largely because I am not very good at gauging signals...so I assume the answer is 'no, not interested' until she's undressing herself and trying to undress me, and even then I usually say 'are you sure you want to do this...because we totally don't have to'.

 

I guess I hope that if I pretend long enough to be something I'm not, that I'll become the mask. That if she loves me, then I might find the where-for-all to love myself, and change. It doesn't work that way though, the mask cracks, she sees a little bit of what I am, and she either backs off, or I avoid her until she gives up. The main problem being that I love, having someone to do things for, I love being loving...but I properly dislike being loved...I don't trust it, I feel paranoid when I am loved and feel like if someone does something loving for me that I have to fill the debt...(which is the reason I won't allow women to give me oral or the like...it'd only make the discomfort worse, I'm already in debt for them allowing me to have sex with them...anything more would only make that debt worse).

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I thought it was supposed to be fun, and calming and enjoyable...

 

IT IS!!!!! You seriously just have to let go of everything. Somehow you just have to get rid of that inner voice that doubts yourself with sex. Your doing your own head in by thinking about it too much, just stop right now! It's very nice you want to please your partner but pleasing your partner and YOURSELF go in tandem. It's OK to be nervous but not to the point where you constantly worry about your performance, that's OCD type behavior.

 

Just let go is my advice, LET GO!!!

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On reading your other posts you really need to see a therapist. Your self image is not healthy, and it seems you have low self esteem. So yes please seek a therapist to deal with these issues, you badly need it imho, it's the only way to get better..

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I have only felt that way with one person before, and we were far from sexually compatible! If you are so far into your head while having sex, maybe you are having sex with the wrong person. Then again, I'm probably not the most qualified person to respond...

 

I'm that far into my head about everything. It makes things...tricky.

 

I've tried letting go, but it feels so selfish. I've found few who are sexually compatible with me, well, no one...yet. I very likely am not nearly as bad at it as I give myself allowance to be. It's just easier to for me to assume I'm fairly poor at it...at times I do it maybe to lower expectations of all those involved. Best not to be self-aggrandizing when one isn't terribly sure of one's capacities...no need to get shot down spectacularly in a ball of flames when one can skid rather unceremoniously in a belly-scraping crash land.

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IT IS!!!!! You seriously just have to let go of everything. Somehow you just have to get rid of that inner voice that doubts yourself with sex. Your doing your own head in by thinking about it too much, just stop right now! It's very nice you want to please your partner but pleasing your partner and YOURSELF go in tandem. It's OK to be nervous but not to the point where you constantly worry about your performance, that's OCD type behavior.

 

Just let go is my advice, LET GO!!!

 

I really try not to focus on my happiness when it comes to these relationships. I'm not terribly important...and as I've stated before, it doesn't take much to finish my job. I'm far more interested in keeping my end of the bargain than having my side of the balance maintained. I in general avoid receiving any benefits from my partners, it makes the math of it all far more easier to compute. I do engage my relationships carefully. I'm meticulous and I have to admit a general curiosity when it comes to things women like...So I do try to remove myself from things when I'm on duty. I probably do engage the situations far too academically in situ. I'm not sure it's something I can quite turn off. Maybe it's because I don't find the roads to my pleasure vis-a-vis sex all that interesting or complicated...and I've rarely experienced differential success from one encounter to another...whereas there does seem to be a vast and deep difference in the response women are capable of.

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Have some god damn self respect for starters. If you think less of yourself or that your a loser you probably are or project that. Why are you not important?

 

I never said I was a loser.

 

I'm not important, there are a very few people who can claim to be important. I choose to de-emphasize my enjoyment and fully emphasize hers. I am very aware of my short-falls as to attractiveness, and personality, as such it is important to me to make sure I cover those faults with auxiliary traits...

 

I just feel that I don't always cover my flaws sufficiently.

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I'm that far into my head about everything. It makes things...tricky.

 

I've tried letting go, but it feels so selfish. I've found few who are sexually compatible with me, well, no one...yet. I very likely am not nearly as bad at it as I give myself allowance to be. It's just easier to for me to assume I'm fairly poor at it...at times I do it maybe to lower expectations of all those involved. Best not to be self-aggrandizing when one isn't terribly sure of one's capacities...no need to get shot down spectacularly in a ball of flames when one can skid rather unceremoniously in a belly-scraping crash land.

 

Well... maybe you need to try to dirty-talk someone . No, really. Get an idea of what she likes so you know what to do with her.

 

Or, if you feel emotionally and physically up to it, have some casual flings, they will help build your self confidence.

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I properly detest dirty talk...it is very cringey...

 

I said this because of the conversation we are having in the other thread I think that dirty talk can be a fun way to get what you want, to communicate what you want prom your sexual partner that turns him/her on at the same time. I like to get the feel as to if someone would make a good partner in bed by talking dirty to 'em and seeing how they respond. It's not if they can dirty talk back, it's to see if my desire for something kinky causes them to change the subject, expand on it, or say that they would love to try that for the first time. Then, the first time, I'm not worried about how my partner feels about something like spankings, because I already know. Ya, it's different for relationships, you want that first time to be more raw and to feel your way through it, and dirty talk can be disrespectful in a relationship before you have had sex. I don't do relationships at this point in my life, so it's different for me. If you want to know how to please her and get out of your head, establish what you both want first, then just do it!

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