jalways44 Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Hi everyone, I'm so confused, I don't know if I did something wrong. I've been dating this guy for about 2 and a half months. After about 2 months I asked him where things were going. I'm 35 and he's 32, I only asked because if he's not on the same page then I really didn't want to waste my time. He basically said we hadn't hung out enough for him to ask that question so I left it alone and didn't push the subject. After that, we've been on a few more dates and things had been great. We didn't have sex, because we both weren't ready yet. Soooo sunday, I was hanging out with him and his best friends. He never invited me to hang out with them, but we live in the same area and I ran into him at a neighborhood bar. Things were going great, but then he just started talking about stuff. He said he feels like things are not natural with me, he feels like it was weird that I asked him where things were going. I also texted him when I got to the bar and told him if he wanted to do his own things with his friends, I was okay with that. Basically I have no clue what to do. Should I let him go, or call him and find out what sunday was about and why he went off on me. Also why would a guy have such a problem with a girl asking where things are going? He told me he loves hanging out with me, but i'm not letting things happen naturally. I feel like I didn't do anything wrong, so why is he acting this way. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 You didn't do anything wrong. He is acting this way b/c he isn't interested. Keep focusing on what you said...you don't want to waste your time---definitely keep it moving and drop him. Link to comment
GinNJuice Posted January 21, 2014 Share Posted January 21, 2014 Sounds like lame, whiny issues that you'd never get a straight answer about. Let it go, and don't contact him. Link to comment
milly007 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I agree with the other posters here and let him go. If he was the right guy for you, he would not have reacted that way. You asked him a legit question. Doesn't sound like you two are on the same page. I say move on. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 Also why would a guy have such a problem with a girl asking where things are going? He told me he loves hanging out with me, but i'm not letting things happen naturally. I feel like I didn't do anything wrong, so why is he acting this way. You didn't do anything wrong. In my experience a guy might only bristle about you asking where things are going if he's not really interested in a relationship with you. If he were interested, he'd be happy to hear your interest and either say he's looking for a relationship or straight-out ask you to be his gf. Let this fish go. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 You asked and you got your answer -you are wasting time with him. When a guy actually wants a relationship with, you won't be wondering where it's going because he'll be busy telling you or at the very least he'll be thrilled you brought it up because he's been trying for some time to figure out how to bring it up. Link to comment
louisecar Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 you did nothing wrong. who wants to waste their time on something thats going nowhere unless its a fling theyre after, and you are not. sure he may want a relationship down the line but in my experience if they are hesitant to commit from the start then they usually end up stringing you along until you eventually get fed up. i think you should find someone who wants the same as you Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I am of two minds. On the one hand what people are saying makes sense. On the other hand, I think asking where things are going after 2.5 months of dating sounds heavy for that amount of time. Personally, I would not say something like that after so little time. I have asked about exclusivity fairly early on and I would advise gauging where things are going by observing actions and seeing how things go over a somewhat longer period. I guess I think people feel pressured by questions like "where is this going" within such a short time frame. Dating is like walking on eggshells sometimes. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I agree^^^^^. If you want to be exclusive within that time frame...fine. But a "where is this going" at the 2.5 month mark is way too early in my book. It puts presuure where none existed before...instead if letting the relationship progress organically. Link to comment
dobbin Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 If a guy wants a relationship with you, if he sees you in his life in the long run he would make sure you know of his plans and what he's going to do to make sure you stay in his life. Link to comment
jalways44 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 Yeah he literally freaked out on me. I had a talk with him tonight and he said he is willing to keep hanging out platonically but doesn't want anything more than that. I feel like if he was really into me, he would never risk me getting away. I think he is also mad because I ended up at the same bar him and his best friend were hanging out at, I ran into him there, I did end up hanging out with him for a few hours. Maybe he got turned off about that. Either way, if a guy is really into me he would love to hang out with me and wouldn't make me feel bad. I am really sad right now though. I have been questioning this for a few days, like what did i do wrong. A guy that is into a girl, would welcome a question like that. I'm just so sad that he didn't feel the same way I did. I really really liked him. Link to comment
savignon Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 ^^Give yourself a lot of credit b/c you're willing to walk away. Hanging out platonically is BS and I hope you're not going to do that. I wish, wish, wish I had read what MsDarcy read around this time last year (actually sooner). If a guy can't say he's into you in 2.5 months, you'd just be wasting your time (which I did and am still kicking myself about). You seem level headed, despite the hurt. It has nothing to do with you...it just didn't click for him just like I'm sure it hasn't clicked for you with other guys in the past. At least you know....some girls (me) waste a sh**load of time waiting to see if someone's interest picks up/grows/etc. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 The more I think about it, the more I land on the side that this is unnecessary and too heavy for 2.5 months. The way to avoid wasting time is to continue to date around until you are exclusive with someone and observing their behavior. I think after a few months of exclusivity if you are still uncertain where things are going it is worth discussing. I think you can tell how things are going based on whether your role in the other person's life expands. Meeting friends and family, spending more time together, long weekend trips are all good signs. Nothing is ever guaranteed and a person could say they see things getting serious one day then things could fizzle out a few weeks or months later. I think in relationships there is a certain amount of risk that that will happen. I don't think asking where things are going after a short time is going to help avoid that risk. Rather, I think it is likely to put pressure on a delicate dating relationship (all dating relationships are more fragile in the beginning and small things can tip the scales). Link to comment
jalways44 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 Yeah that's what i've been struggling with, like did I put too much pressure too fast. But we never spent too much time together, we'd hang out once a week and chat on the phone twice a week. Maybe I shouldn't have asked, I guess I only asked because i've been in a situation like this before and I dated the guy for a year and half and eventually he didn't want it to go anywhere. I'm 35 and just feel like I didn't have time to waste and he's 32, so his priorities could be different than mine. Either way, he broke up with me last night so there is nothing more I can do. I am struggling though, did i ask too soon? Should I have dated other guys? I'm so hurt. Link to comment
mhowe Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 The dating exclusively talk comes first....and you never had that. You were not having sex....so I assume a 32 year old man was dating others and having sex with them. I am not saying you should have had sex....I am just saying the "where is this going chat" came way too early. Link to comment
lady00 Posted January 22, 2014 Share Posted January 22, 2014 I think you should continue dating more than one guy at a time until you want to be exclusive with one. Use your previous relationship experience to gauge where things are going. Even if you had married the guy you dated for over a year you might be divorced now. Would it be a waste of time just because it didn't last? If you look at relationships that way you are bound to be disappointed because most do not last. If you keep dating until you are ready to get exclusive then give time to see it it gets serious then you increase your chances but there are no guarantees. Always be on the lookout for incompatibility and if you see it don't waste any more time with that person. I think you can easily find that out without putting any pressure on the relationship. Link to comment
jalways44 Posted January 22, 2014 Author Share Posted January 22, 2014 Thank you lady00, there was incompatibility between he and I. He is younger, just moved to the area and kept giving me hints that he liked me but we weren't together and he could date other girls if he wanted to. The more time I was spending with him, the more I was realizing that I did want to only date him. I guess that was a big difference between us. Also, one of my friends told me he was really looking for anything serious and just kind of wanted to have fun right now, that is a huge difference between he and I because i'm ready to find the right guy and settle down. I guess this means we were on different pages in life, so that is incompatibility. I really like him, maybe he'll miss me enough and want what I want, but I think we want two different things and that would mean later I would get hurt. Link to comment
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