Being the dumper!

[Tanzi]

This carries on from my previous thread where I, somehow, ended up in a relationship that I really shouldn't have.

 

See here if you think it may help to know the details … though I would skip to "The situation now" to make it briefer!!

 

The advice was to end it … and now I have.

 

He was OK at first but at some point during the night he sent me text saying he was gutted and that he wanted me.

 

I hate this. I never intended to hurt anyone. How do you keep up the strength to carry these things through?

 

The pain of being dumped is excruciating. The burden of guilt that is now weighing me down actually makes me feel nauseous. I honestly think I cope better being the dumpee than being the dumper.

[lerenard]

I ended half of my relationships, I would say. First one - I dumped, then I was dumped, not exactly in this pattern, but you get it.

My longest relationship (and hardest, and the only long term till now, if I wont count my current BF) I ended, but before I finally told him I want out he dumped me like every month, just to beg me later to take him back... he was also abusive, and the first time I went back, the second time I dumped him for good. And I felt the biggest guilt in my life for doing that... I blamed myself for every drink he had after that and every drug he tried, and every person he treated badly because I dumped him. Two years after our break-up we bounced back into each other - I just lost a friend that died, he was still getting over his ex (the one after me, that looked like me when we just started dating, CREEPY), that dumped him for one of his friends. So we were on and off for a month maybe, then he started to show his real self again, and I realized its not going to change, and I need to get out of there before he tries to kill me again.

He wasn't very happy about this idea, so he made it look like he is dumping me, to take his revenge for the first time, what was a shock for me, but I was happy it ended.

I agree with you that sometimes it is easier to be a dumpee. I still suffer from that sick relationship. I still think he hates me and wants to hurt me somehow.

[sharky988]

Meh. Personally, I'd still much rather be the dumper than the dumpee!

 

But I feel for you -- and at least you can know you did the kinder thing by ending it sooner rather than later! I don't know about you, but when I start dating someone that's right for me, I just KNOW it -- it hits me like a pie in the face. If that feeling isn't there right from the start..... in my experience, anyway, it never really happens for me.

 

When I've ended relationships, it's usually been just in the very earliest stages, the first month or so.... for precisely the reasons you did. It might hurt them now, but I think it's kinder in the long run to end it sooner.

 

I'd keep replying in a compassionate way to any contact he makes, but just not initiate any.... and hopefully in a few weeks the contact will stop.

 

As for the guilt you're feeling.... yeah, it sucks. But what else can you do? You gave it a shot. That's the price we all have to pay to be out there, dating people -- he should know this as well, that sadly it's the price of admission that sometimes things just don't work out.

[JA0371]

Yep... Agree with Sharky. Especially about knowing someone is right for me right away...and when it happens, and it's right, it's the best feeling ever. I also would rather be the dumper than the dumpee. That's just me.

[Kendahke]

If I recall correctly, he was beginning to invest in his own ideal of what was actually going on between you two--you were open with him about not wanting to get serious and he paid some lip service to hearing what you were saying but kept right on down his trail.

 

A lot of what he's feeling is on him and his not listening to you. I know having to end things is unpleasant, but try to remember that you've been upfront with him throughout about where you were with this and he was pretending to hear you... and the consequences of him not hearing you is him finding himself exactly where he is. That's on him, not you, so try not to take on too much of what is his to carry.

[lerenard]

When I started to date my guy I felt it was SUPER right, too. I had no idea he will be that person he became in the next year or so. Other persons head is a mystery. What can feel like love can soon almost kill you.

That was also the first time I was happy my EX started dating someone new. Before I found out she looks exactly like me when we just met. I was relieved when my girlfriend told me he has somebody. Because I then felt like he has moved on, so he is not angry with me anymore, and now he can`t say "you sl*t, I loved you and you dumped me", because he was the first one to sleep around after the BU.

I wish everybody was a bit easier with break ups. They are so hard already, and when you try your best to end something that is not bringing ANY happiness to either of you, but the other person makes it so hard for you lo leave, its just cruel. He never thought I will actually dump him, because he did so much to me and still I always stayed. So when I did leave he was furious.

[Lucha]

I think my ex (the dumper) has also felt this tremendous guilt. However when you were upfront with him and not strung him along (like my ex did with me for months - and I didn't stop her) then there's nothing more you can do, just be honest. It doesn't hurt any less but at least you didn't strung him along so he can start healing now. I let her treat me like an option for three months and lost 20 pounds to that. It was nerve wrecking.

[deejay74]

I just wanted to say I have never been the dumper, so I have no idea what that feels like. I often wondered if that says something about me. There have been times where I wanted to dump someone, but didn't, because I wanted to see if we could work things out but in the end, I get dumped anyway.

 

And most of my relationships except for 1, we have broken up and gotten back together multiple times.

[Lucha]

I just wanted to say I have never been the dumper, so I have no idea what that feels like. I often wondered if that says something about me. There have been times where I wanted to dump someone, but didn't, because I wanted to see if we could work things out but in the end, I get dumped anyway.

 

And most of my relationships except for 1, we have broken up and gotten back together multiple times.

 

Deejay, it does say a lot about you. It says you are a serious person and willing to invest in a relationship to keep it healthy rather then walk away when things get tough. Good for you!

 

Can I ask, under what circumstances did you get back together? (What caused the breakups, how long were you apart, did you maintain NC, how did you get back together,..)

[deejay74]

Deejay, it does say a lot about you. It says you are a serious person and willing to invest in a relationship to keep it healthy rather then walk away when things get tough. Good for you!

 

Can I ask, under what circumstances did you get back together? (What caused the breakups, how long were you apart, did you maintain NC, how did you get back together,..)

 

Thanks for the compliment. Although I would agree with you, after getting dumped this last time, I think I may be codependent and that's why I stick it out until I get dumped. It could be a combination of both. I don't think I ever was able to do NC in any of these relationships.

 

I'll start with the most recent BU: We were together for about 10 months and she dumped me 5 times, took me back 4. This is a complicated issue/relationship. I can't recall all the reasons why she dumped me, there were many, but she was very flippant about breaking it off with me. It's like she dumped me whenever I tried to set boundaries or when the going got tough. I kept coming back because I thought things could work. I was also madly in love with her and my codependent nature had me trying to nurture her needs more than mine. I thought I was going to marry her. We looked at rings and even got an apartment together, only for her to leave me with it 2 days before she was supposed to move in, which is the last time she dumped me. Afterwords, I couldn't maintain NC and neither could she. It got really messy and I did some things I shouldn't have but now, it is so bad that she threatened a restraining order if I ever contact her again. This was last week and after SHE reached out to me this last time. The email exchange escalated and when I called her out on something, she lashed out and threatened a RO. So now, I am forced to maintain NC, which I am fine with and also because I don't want a criminal record. I truly think she over reacted because I never sent any emails that were threatening but I guess she thinks I was harassing her.

 

I can't officially diagnose her, but I read a book about narcissistic lovers and that book was scary accurate about her. It also said narcissists love codependents because of their need to please the other person. I can relate and it did describe our relationship very accurately as well. The longest we were apart was a little over a week, I think. She asked to be left alone and I did, but it was so hard. She then contacted me to meet up and talk and we got back together. I think that was the 3rd time she broke up with me. All the other times, I did not maintain NC. We talked and I guess I "convinced" her to take me back. Looking back, this was a toxic relationship anyway. She thought things would change and so did I. I just wish, in hindsight, I never came back after the 2nd time. Now I am left with an apartment that still has her name on the lease.

 

 

The relationship before that was brief and it was hot/cold. I think we broke up 3 times. In this one, I think I did do NC on a couple of occasions, and she came back and then things got on the hot/cold merry go round again only for her to dump me the last time. She then went NC on me. I tried to reach out to her a couple of times and she did respond but then I never heard from her again.

 

 

The one before that was probably the best relationship I had. Actually, it ended mutually but the relationship lasted 3.5 years. We broke up 2 or 3 times but we were living together. So NC was not really possible. I think we got back together by talking it out.

 

The 2nd relationship I had lasted 6 months and was my first heart wrenching breakup and is what brought me here. She left me and never looked back. We did not get back together. I could not maintain NC but I eventually gave up.

 

My first relationship was long distance. It's been so long that I really don't remember how many times we broke up, I think it was 2, but again, I didn't maintain NC and I think the longest we'd been apart were days.

 

Wow, so typing this all out I realize I am pretty weak in maintaining NC. And, that's kind of embarrassing and sad.

[Tanzi]

Thank you ALL for your responses. I have to say I think I was being over dramatic when I said I would rather be the dumped - at least I realise that NOW. It sucked for a while but now that some time has passed I feel a sense of relief at knowing I have done the right thing and more positive thoughts start to follow. That isn't a privilege one gets as a dumped.

 

 

 

That is pretty much how it is for me too. There has always been an instant connection with my exes. I've never had any doubts and, as far as I am aware, the connection has always been mutual. There wasn't that connection this time but after 10 months of being single I thought it might be worth giving it a shot, like you say, and he seemed to be on the same page as me. What really did it for me though was when he stayed over last weekend. We had already discussed him staying the night (albeit rather tentatively on my part) but I have to say I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea. We had already had sex by that point so it wasn't THAT but … spending the WHOLE night in my bed and waking up next to that person …. ? The last person to spend the whole night in my bed was my ex. When I woke up in the morning and saw him lying next to me, it was just all so wrong. This is going to sound rather dramatic again but I felt as if he had violated a very personal space (not his fault at all, I know). He had got too close and into a space where I didn't want him to be. It wasn't fair on him that I was thinking like that.

 

 

 

Thanks kendahke, I've tried not to but I do feel as if I should never have let it get this far because, if I am honest, I knew his actions were not backing up his words. I have heard from him since and I know he is hurting. It just feels like an unnecessary mess but we didn't even reach the 2 month mark so at least it didn't drag on unnecessarily. I still think I should and could have avoided this whole situation.

[Ms Darcy]

I think as the dumper in this case you will move on much faster than the dumpee.

[Tanzi]

Most likely, Ms Darcy, seeing as he is now sending me angry texts. It makes me want to just forget it all. Still we've only known each other a few weeks so I can't imagine it would take him too long to move on either.

[Ms Darcy]

What did the angry texts say? You may have to block him.

[Mesemene]

When all else fails - be blunt and block.

 

Tell him any responses you'd be giving would be out of guilt and pity and give him false hope - and if one of you doesn't have the strength to break contact, he will end up ultimately cushioning you through dumping him (if things stay civil) or making you remember him as a verbally abusive jerk - if he doesn't back off.

 

Neither will help him. Replying to him might make you feel a bit better, and like a "nice guy" but the reality is, even unintentionally, you'd be dropping the breadcrumbs that so many dumpees come here pinning their hopes on.

 

A short message letting him know why no more contact is best, then follow through, and block him if needed. Trust me, in the long run, it's in his best interest.

[Tanzi]

What did the angry texts say? You may have to block him.

 

"Angry" is probably too strong a word ... but he was evidently pissed off at me. I think his intention was to make me feel guilty at first then he just became frustrated with me. He said he thought we were doing fine and that it had "come out of nowhere". I find that hard to believe seeing as I would remind him often that I wasn't ready for a relationship. I even said in the beginning that I'm probably not in the best of places and I can't make ANY promises. At first I thought he understood that and was in the same place as me but when it became evident that he was a few chapters ahead (that he had written himself), I knew I had to end things. The more I realised he liked the more, the more I realised that I would never feel that way for him.

 

He said that he had only ever wanted what I had wanted and he didn't want a relationship either. Sorry, don't believe it! The fact that he was making plans for us "this time next year" told me otherwise. Apparently I also made him feel bad by suggesting that he was pressuring me (I never used that word at all).

 

A lot of what he said didn't make sense to be honest. One minute I was the kindest person he had ever met, the next I was selfish and that it was all about "ME". He called me up eventually and asked to come over. It was late and I said no because it had gone midnight! His response was "And?" I think that was the point I was being selfish in his eyes ... and the point I became equally frustrated at him.

 

I have children for goodness sake. Granted they were with their dad this weekend but he didn't know that. What did he expect to happen that late at night? Why does he think it is OK for me to have random men coming over late at night? My eldest is an adult now. She could well have been up. Mores to the point this is her home. Why would I invite men they barely know in? Admittedly they have met and spent time in his company (and got on fine) but he is still a stranger to them. This also brings me to another point ....

 

I don't really want to keep introducing different men to my children. If something has the potential to go somewhere then I know I will have to introduce my children to whomever at some point but I barely knew this man. Really we were still getting to know each other and suss each other out but he just didn't seem to understand that I like to take things slowly even if there is an instant connection. My ex understood this perfectly and we only saw each other every two weeks for the first 3 months. We were in touch with each during those two weeks and we were so excited when "our" weekend came up. Eventually that pattern changed when I introduced him to my children. We still had "our" weekend when the kids were with their dad but we also had "family weekends" too which he loved just as much. This guy, however, would call me up saying how much he would do anything "just for a kiss". He said once that he would drive over to see me - just for a kiss -and then go again. Umm, yes OK. So I'm sitting there with my children ... some random man comes by ... snogs me on my doorstep and then goes again!!! He didn't see why I wanted to tread carefully around my children. I ended up introducing him way sooner to them than I would have liked because, yes, I guess I did feel pressured and this is why I knew he was moving way faster than I would have liked. I lost a bit of respect for him over this because he did not at any point take my children's feelings into consideration or even mine and how I felt about it. He has two children of his own so I am surprised that he didn't understand. That said, I don't think he seems them a great deal.

 

I guess the more I learnt about this guy, the more I realised we had different standards and views on things so, regardless, of what we agreed in the beginning, it just doesn't have the potential to work anyway.

 

 

When all else fails - be blunt and block.

 

Tell him any responses you'd be giving would be out of guilt and pity and give him false hope - and if one of you doesn't have the strength to break contact, he will end up ultimately cushioning you through dumping him (if things stay civil) or making you remember him as a verbally abusive jerk - if he doesn't back off.

 

Neither will help him. Replying to him might make you feel a bit better, and like a "nice guy" but the reality is, even unintentionally, you'd be dropping the breadcrumbs that so many dumpees come here pinning their hopes on.

 

A short message letting him know why no more contact is best, then follow through, and block him if needed. Trust me, in the long run, it's in his best interest.

 

That is what I feared from the very beginning. Throwing out breadcrumbs. I didn't realise how difficult it was at NOT throwing out breadcrumbs though. You end up letting them down gently and find yourself saying things that you later regret. For instance, he asked if we could see each other again at some point "no strings attached" ... "see how it goes". I said "maybe". I just felt so cruel saying an outright "no". I know that I need to be cruel to be kind and that it is better for him in the long run but, my God, I didn't realise how hard that was. I guess I only have myself to blame for my late night call. Nevertheless I still feel that he had no right calling me up at midnight, expecting to come over.

 

He has since apologised for some of the things he said but the moment I accepted his apology and said that I think it would be better if we left each other alone now, he starts being super nice and funny and is evidently trying another tactic to reel me in.

 

Damn this is hard!

[Lucha]

May I suggest not starting any relationship while you're feeling 'not ready' and 'want to take things slow'? You're either in it for the full 100% or you're out. Don't make anyone fall if you have no intention to catch them.

[sharky988]

I have to agree somewhat with Lucha above. It sounds like it's still a bit too soon for you to be dating.

 

And really -- even if you were ready for a relationship -- the truth is, you just weren't that into him.

 

You might've tried to soften the blow by telling him it's relationships in general you weren't ready for.... but then your actions contradicted this as you continued to move forward and let things escalate between you....

 

So, I have sympathy for this dumpee and can at least understand his feelings of anger and frustration. Face it: you might've been warning him in advance, but not in an honest way. The truth was, you just weren't feeling it for him -- so in this regard, he was taken by surprise.

 

So I'd have more patience with him now -- I personally wouldn't block him, I'd just keep replying when he reaches out as kindly as you can for another week or two. The relationship was very short-lived and in time I'm sure he'll get past the anger.

 

If he doesn't get past the anger stage -- if he turns out to be obsessing or a lunatic or a stalker -- then you can take more drastic measures.

 

That's just how I'd handle it, anyway!

[Tanzi]

May I suggest not starting any relationship while you're feeling 'not ready' and 'want to take things slow'? You're either in it for the full 100% or you're out. Don't make anyone fall if you have no intention to catch them.

 

Lucha, whilst I appreciate your response, I don't quite understand your tone. Perhaps I am just being over sensitive but it sounds a tad sarcastic. It might be worth you knowing a little background. I'm in my mid 40's Married and divorced. I have been the dumpee many, many times but rarely the dumper. I am 10 months out of my last relationship and I have never been in the habit of getting involved in rebound relationships. When I met this guy (when out with mutual friends) he was been so attentive and even a little forward - yet in a mischevious way - and I fell for it. I am only human after all. Neverteless, I was absolutely honest with him and said I didn't know if I was in the best place still and probably wasn't ready for a relationship. There was a part of me, however, that knew I would move on at some point. Maybe this it? He said he was in the same place as me and that we we could have some fun together whilst helping each other move on. It categorically was NOT a relationship. I did not make him fall. He set himself up for a fall by not being honest with me. If my eyes were open I would have realised this from the beginning but I didn't. As soon as I did I ended it.

[lavenderdove]

Remember, if you've made up your mind the guy isn't right for you, the kindest thing to do is to sync up his reality with your own. All those 'let's be friends' and 'maybe in future' things are all about stalling because you are squeamish about playing 'the bad guy' and don't want to see his anger and pain, but the reality is what is best for HIM is to let him know he is wasting his time and heart and needs to look elsewhere. So the right thing and the KIND thing to do is align him with reality rather than give him false hope that strings him along. So as the dumper, your job is to take the licks and the guilt and know that your guilty feelings at hurting someone are absolutely not useful in this scenario, because they prevent you from being really honest with him and setting him totally free and on the path to finding someone who does want to be with him.

 

So take your licks and cut him loose. Tell him that you are sorry if he got really involved really fast, but you've only know him 3 weeks and do know that it doesn't feel right and you are certain that you are not going to want to date him in future, so better for him to invest his time and heart elsewhere. And honestly, if he carries on too much after just 3 weeks, that is his bad for getting too carried away when he really doesn't even know you that well. He really was trying to pressure and bully you to get too involved with him too soon for your own good and your children's good, and that alone is a red flag that he is too needy and impulsive. So he needs to own that, not you!

[Tanzi]

I think the one thing this relationship has actually taught me - if I am completely honest - is that I would actually be ready to be in a relationship but I am not in NEED of one or in any hurry to be in one ... and that it just ISN'T with this guy. However I did actually say to him when I ended the relationship that, although it felt comforting to have someone one around again, I wasn't feeling what I should be feeling for things to be developing as they were with HIM. I can't remember exactly what I said but I did make it clear that I wasn't sure whether it was because I was not ready to be in a relationship as such or whether it was because a relationship with him wouldn't work. The truth is I wasn't bothered about being in a relationship with him and I am happy to carry on being single. I really am in no hurry to be in a relationship. That is when he made me feel rather silly by saying HE never wanted a relationship anyway, wasn't ready for one and was hardly asking for my hand in marriage. So, honestly sharky, I was as truthful as I could have been with him in that sense but it still backfired on me - somehow. I knew he wasn't being truthful back though because at one point he told me he wanted us to be "together forever" but I didn't want to argue with him any more. I had only know him for about 4 weeks at the time he had said that and bearing in mind I was away all over Christmas up until New Year, I had only seen him on very few occasions. In fact you could probably count on one hand the amount of times we had seen each other at that point. Even now I have only seen him very few times. That was the part he couldn't understand. Why I wasn't contacting him everyday, why I wasn't willing to see him everyday and also why I realised that he did want so much more than I can give at such an early stage - whether there was potential there or not (as I said above).

 

I don't think he will obsessive or anything like that and I appreciate that he is still entitled to be angry - because, as I said above, I perhaps wasn't seeing what I should have been seeing. That said, bearing in mind how little we have seen of each other, I don't think I have let it drag on unnecessarily ... at least I don't think I have.

[sharky988]

I don't think you've let it drag on at all! I really empathize with your position and have been there myself. My point was that I think cutting him off at this point and insisting on no more contact seems kind of harsh to me, and a bit of an overreaction, as long as he hasn't been threatening you or acting like a psycho.

 

For me, personally, when I've been the dumper I've just opted to take my licks -- whether it means dealing with the feelings of guilt, or respecting the dumpee's need for space and not contacting them even if I miss them and would enjoy contact... or, like in this case, putting up with some angry communications until the dumpee feels they're ready to stop contacting me on their own.

[Lucha]

Yes, it's nothing personal but I have been in the dumpee position where someone told me they weren't ready for a relationship and then the next week they are in a f*ing relationship. Have been there multiple times and I can assure you, IT HURTS. So best thing you can do when not being serious with this guy is break it off IMMEDIATELY, instead of feeding them hope with 'maybe', 'I can't promise anything', 'I am not ready', etc.

 

Oh yes and DON'T keep seeing him after you said those things bc your actions are not on the same level as your words.

[Tanzi]

Thank you for your post lavenderdove. I would never ask him to be friends because, well, I don't really want to be and it would be a cop out on my part .... but I did find myself saying "maybe" when he asked if we could see each other in the future. The thing is, we know the same people, so it is likely that we will at least bump into each other anyway. But you are right, I am squeamish about being the bad guy but I also didn't want to hurt him any more than necessary. I see now, though, that it IS actually necessary for him to feel that. (We were "together" about 5 weeks all in all).

 

He WAS becoming needy and, in fact, he apologised for being so. Then he would backtrack and say that he was only doing what I had asked of him. I hadn't actually asked anything of him. I thought we had discussed things together.

 

One evening he told me that his eldest daughter was visiting his sister. I assumed he was going to make an effort to see her. They don't get along - mostly because, so I have been told, he and her mother don't get along and she has been somewhat brainwashed against him. I was expecting him to cancel our date and go see her but .. no .. he had no intention of even popping in. I told him that he should go and see his daughter and we could reschedule as he doesn't often get the chance to see her. His reason for not doing so? "She doesn't like me and doesn't want to see me". I told him that was teenage rebellion and if he wants her to know that he does care then he should be there regardless of what she says. Then when she gets older she will be able to look back and see that he really did care. He told me it was a delicate matter and being dealt with. Well, it isn't really my business so there really wasn't anything else I could say but the honest truth is that I am pretty sure he just couldn't be bothered. He totally went down in my estimation.

 

So, the bottom line is, regardless of how this started out, the more I got to know him the more I realised we had totally different standards in life. He couldn't even put his own children first so I can't expect him to understand why I would want to put mine first. When it came to talking about the children and getting him to understand why I needed, for their sake, to keep things on a certain level it was like banging my head against a brick wall. Before this new guy met the kids, he would have gladly turned up at my house at ridiculous hours, stayed for as long as I would let him (even if that was overnight) or even if it was for a quick grope on the front doorstep! So different from previous ex who was happy to go at the pace I felt the children needed before introducing him to their lives.

[Tanzi]

I don't think you've let it drag on at all! I really empathize with your position and have been there myself. My point was that I think cutting him off at this point and insisting on no more contact seems kind of harsh to me, and a bit of an overreaction, as long as he hasn't been threatening you or acting like a psycho.

 

For me, personally, when I've been the dumper I've just opted to take my licks -- whether it means dealing with the feelings of guilt, or respecting the dumpee's need for space and not contacting them even if I miss them and would enjoy contact... or, like in this case, putting up with some angry communications until the dumpee feels they're ready to stop contacting me on their own.

 

It really is hard to get the balance right. I guess it depends on the individual "dumpee". I didn't want to cut him off at all. I was willing to talk to him and be as open and honest as I could have been. I always believe that when a relationship ends there is always a "breaking up" period. Of course the more committed and longer the relationship, the more time it takes for both parties to let go. As a dumpee I know that we need to have our say and that we like to at least try to find some kind of closure. I was, and I guess still am, happy to help him in that way but IDK communication ends up taking so many twists and turns. He then would ask me if I missed him or if I thought about him and, arrgh, at that point it really is hard to know what to say. I certainly didn't want to say I did but to say "no" makes me feel like the biggest in the world.

 

I actually answered him by saying I did actually miss his company because I enjoyed his company but that alone wasn't enough and that I was falling into the trap of getting "too comfortable" when the route we seemed to be going down wasn't really what I wanted. I added at some point, as I've said before, that I wasn't feeling what I should be. A bit long winded but it was the complete truth. Could I have said less - or more maybe?

 

When he asked me if I thought of him, I said that I often wondered whether or not he was OK and how bad I felt for making him feel bad but that I was sure he was doing just fine. I tried to be upbeat. A bit of a cop out perhaps?

 

Whatever, I guess I just need to let him have his say without saying too much back.

 

Yes, it's nothing personal but I have been in the dumpee position where someone told me they weren't ready for a relationship and then the next week they are in a f*ing relationship. Have been there multiple times and I can assure you, IT HURTS. So best thing you can do when not being serious with this guy is break it off IMMEDIATELY, instead of feeding them hope with 'maybe', 'I can't promise anything', 'I am not ready', etc.

 

Oh yes and DON'T keep seeing him after you said those things bc your actions are not on the same level as your words.

 

I can appreciate that. I've been there before too, of sorts. My ex-husband told me he needed to "find himself" (and all that rubbish) and that he wouldn't be ready for another relationship for a long time. In reality, his mistress was already waiting in the wings, waiting for the right time to be introduced as his new gf whom he had just met. I found out about her before he could do that though. Anyway I do not have anyone else lined up (and neither have I ever had when I have left a relationship) so I am not going to jump into another relationship. I am happy being single. In fact, for the first time in years, I am having some good times with people in the same position as me. I am in no hurry and what this "relationship" was offering me wasn't enough to make me abandon that ship.

 

I broke it off after 5 weeks, when the it was dawning on me more and more that he wasn't being honest with me. I haven't fed him any hope really. The worst I think I said was "maybe" when he asked if we could see each other again.