Interesting Post I Found - Why They Fall Out of Love

[funkyfresh]

Hey guys and gals,

 

Hope everyone's doing well and sticking in there. Just wanted to post something that I found today and helped me a bit. An update on me (in case anyone is wondering). I'm doing much better now. New girl turned out to be using me as a rebound from her old relationship so I put a stop to things and am single again. Being single sure does help you remember your ex's lol. Although I feel 99% better, occasionally I still think about my old ex and what could have been. Came accross this post today and it honestly made me feel a tad better. Hopefully it can do the same for some of you.

 

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It’s liberating when you realize that someone doesn’t love you anymore. Well, at first it’s devastating. At first you’ll be stricken with grief and question what’s wrong with you. You’ll ask yourself what you can do to make yourself more lovable, as if changing one thing will suddenly make you more appealing to a mass group of people. There must be something you can fix inside yourself that will bring all the men and women who loved you back, who once held you like a boa constrictor in bed and delighted in your every movement. You were a gold star they stuck on their bedroom wall until the edges started to wilt, and you fell down. Gold star, little star, crumbled up piece of sticker on your foot that you can’t seem to get off.

 

No, no. It doesn’t work that way. We can’t bring anyone back. What’s done is done. Something inside of them switched and they made the decision to stop loving you. If only we understood at that moment how little it had to do with us. When you fall in and out of love with someone, it’s like you become privy to all the secrets of the world. You understand what life is all about, how badly we all just want to connect with someone and feel like we have a partner or a teammate. It’s cruel how quickly things can change, how your teammate becomes an adversary at the drop of a hat. All the while, you keep asking yourself “How can I get the gold star to stick again? How can I get my teammate back?” What you don’t know now, you’ll understand later. Trust.

 

You learn a lot about people and their ability to disengage when you get your heartbroken. But I would venture to say that you learn even more when you break someone else’s heart. That’s when it all becomes clear and you’re finally able to get over that one person who stopped loving you. Because now you know the secret. Now you know how random it all is. It’s a scary truth to realize. It’s a much easier pill to swallow when there are concrete reasons why the love stopped — it makes people seem less scary and more rational — but sometimes love is just as irrational as a loss of love. Things stop just because.

 

Only when I had the experience of falling out of love with someone myself did I begin to understand it all. Only then did it become clear that my ex didn’t love me anymore period. No ifs, ands, or buts. I could have plastic surgery to look like Ryan Gosling and it wouldn’t make a lick of a difference. Just like how it was with the boy I stopped loving. He could have done anything to make me love him again and it wouldn’t have mattered. In my mind, the doors had closed and there was NO WAY to reopen them.

 

Realizing this might sound depressing but it was actually the ultimate relief. I could finally stop torturing myself over “What if’s” and ways to get my ex back. I now knew that it was impossible. Just like I had done with this boy, the love switch had gone off in my ex’s brain forever. It was no longer about me and my shortcomings as a partner. It was about something inside of him changing forever that was out of my control. Knowing there was no hope in salvaging the relationship was the greatest gift I could ever give myself. By having been on both sides of the coin, I can see love in all its screwed up complexities and here’s the take-away message I’ve gotten: Love is there until it’s not. It might have everything to do with you or it might have nothing to do with you. The point is that people change and outgrow each other. Placing the blame on yourself and agonizing over what you could’ve done to change the outcome is fruitless. It’s all chemical anyway. Take the weight of the grief off your shoulders and take solace in knowing that you will be loved again.

[misssmithviii]

This has helped... I was broken up with today and it is devastating but comforting to move forward.

[Twidom]

Falling out of love with my first girlfriend is the reason why I did not beg, stalk or lurk around and simply walk out when my current ex wanted to break up with me.

 

Never contacted her once. Never looked at pictures. Nothing. It doesn't make it easier though. I do understand how these things work but it still hurt like hell.

[spandora]

I have fallen out of my ex because of the way he's treated me. He's been selfish and self-centered. He hasn't really listened to me, or paid attention to my concerns or my wants. He has treated me with sarcasm and ridicule. In fact, I'd say it would be impossible to both love him AND myself..I can't love him and stay with him, without losing my self-esteem. So..what was I supposed to do?

 

You treat someone badly, they fall out of love with you.

 

I don't believe that it "just happens". Someone "just falls out of love with you"..no, it's because you probably didn't nurture or care for, or appreciate their love. So they got to the point where they had no choice.

[elsenyor]

I have fallen out of my ex because of the way he's treated me. He's been selfish and self-centered. He hasn't really listened to me, or paid attention to my concerns or my wants. He has treated me with sarcasm and ridicule. In fact, I'd say it would be impossible to both love him AND myself..I can't love him and stay with him, without losing my self-esteem. So..what was I supposed to do?

 

You treat someone badly, they fall out of love with you.

 

I don't believe that it "just happens". Someone "just falls out of love with you"..no, it's because you probably didn't nurture or care for, or appreciate their love. So they got to the point where they had no choice.

 

I concur, though it's more disappointing if you're the one who wasn't meeting their needs but not because you didn't want to, it was because they wouldn't speak up or stress how important something is/was and just bottled it in due to fear of you leaving them (bottling it in then just makes them leave you lol). Everyone's at fault in a breakup, I'm pretty much over mine though at this point (I was dumpee, 9 months post BU, 7 months NC (except when she wished me happy bday, 5 days ago)), I just read the forums now to see if I can offer some support, gain new insights, or pass the time.

[jald]

The article says : Love just ends because it just ends. It has nothing to do with you ( the dumpee ). It has a lot to do with the dumper changing and outgrowing the dumpee.

 

I disagree. I think that it wasn't love to begin with if it just ends. There's a reason why those old couples who cuddle on park benches have lasted. That reason is LOVE...and not the type of " love " that the author of the article talks about. Those old couples who cuddle on park benches with their withered skin, white hair and wrinkly eyes KNOW what love is.

 

This is love : You go through the relationship TOGETHER like a grand adventure, filled with twists, turns, intrigue. Sometimes, along the path of this adventure or quest, they lose each other in the dark woods. They go through horrors that nobody can imagine. They fight to save each other and they rediscover each other again...filled with wounds and scars. But in this grand old adventure called love, there are also outstandingly beautiful things called happiness, trust, joy, humour, passion, adventure. It is these moments that make them stick like magnets to each other....these are the moments that guide them back to each other. Sometimes, they might change along the way but they BOTH KNOW that their personal changes have to cater to their partner as well. In other words, going through a relationship together, over the years, through thick and thin, means sacrificing, tailoring, catering to each other's personal changes. We are humans. We are of biological matter. We also change mentally, psychologically and emotionally. If you can find someone who can change WITH YOU over the years, you will continue on this love adventure happily.

 

Now, that is love. That is why it doesn't end.

[Lucha]

Wow exactly what I mean Well said. I totally second you: if there was real love, it would have probably conquered ANY problems on the road to a long and happy life together. Love is choosing to be with a person, despite of how you feel today or next week. Love is loving the other person even if you have a moment or a period of time that 'you don't feel like it'. Love is knowing what you have, knowing that feelings are BOUND to change in every relationship and choosing to be with this person and stick it out through good AND bad times!

[spandora]

Could not agree more!!!!

[spandora]

It's true. communication is a 2 way street, and some people have poor communication skills when it comes to asking for what they want. They'd rather behave passive aggressively. It's really a skill, and one that requires practice and development. But so many people are too lazy to even try. They'd rather just jump from relationship to relationship, leaving a trail of sadness and trauma and drama in their wake.

 

I concur, though it's more disappointing if you're the one who wasn't meeting their needs but not because you didn't want to, it was because they wouldn't speak up or stress how important something is/was and just bottled it in due to fear of you leaving them (bottling it in then just makes them leave you lol). Everyone's at fault in a breakup, I'm pretty much over mine though at this point (I was dumpee, 9 months post BU, 7 months NC (except when she wished me happy bday, 5 days ago)), I just read the forums now to see if I can offer some support, gain new insights, or pass the time.

[jald]

Interestingly enough, that little tidbit I wrote about love is largely a lesson learned from my last relationship that ended exactly a year ago.

 

I was dumped. I went through all the horrible feelings of being " inadequate ", " not good enough " etc. I went through the period of " HE'S not good enough for me. I;m awesome ". But ultimately, I came to the conclusion : I loved him. He didn't love me. That's why it ended. Simple as that.

[Trevorjames]

Interestingly enough, that little tidbit I wrote about love is largely a lesson learned from my last relationship that ended exactly a year ago.

 

I was dumped. I went through all the horrible feelings of being " inadequate ", " not good enough " etc. I went through the period of " HE'S not good enough for me. I;m awesome ". But ultimately, I came to the conclusion : I loved him. He didn't love me. That's why it ended. Simple as that.

 

That's the point I am in now, I am moving from my she's not good enough step to simply knowing that I loved her way more than she ever loved me. And when the first sign of trouble or work popped up she ran to another guy. Sometimes I think that's just how relationships are these days, when it feels used up or needs some work you just find another.