Leona700 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 So I'm dating a guy who's father has two wives. Based on what he told me the two wives don't get along but he's a great father.. To be honest his family dynamic makes me extremely uncomfortable..my bf also told me that his dad basically jokes about a third wife.. In my mind I'm thinking how does my bf see marriage.. I'm just uncomfortable with this while thing Link to comment
Amp33 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I think you should straight up ask him how he feels on marriage. If your boyfriend plans on being polygamist and you are not comfortable with that then there is no way your relationship will work. No way. So you need to figure that out now before you become even more emotionally attached to this man. Link to comment
hers Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I would just ask him. There's not much else to advise on. I'd feel weird about his father's situation but curious also, so bring it up in conversation and simply ask him what his views on marriage are. I would think he's maybe used to questions about it if he tells people about it sometimes. Link to comment
delicous Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 I'd get out fast. Judging by his family, I mean uneless you want to work through it with him. He's got some demons though, it sounds. Link to comment
offplanet Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 It depends a bit on whether the father having 2 wives is because of culture/religion or if it's his own personal 'quirk'. If it's the religion/culture then it's normal to them and not weird. Definitely have the conversation with your bf and make sure there's no possibility of him ever wanting a second wife, and that that's not going to change for any reason. If it's religious based then he could change later if he becomes more religious. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Children from polygamous marriages doe not necessarily mean that the children will adopt that lifestyle. It can actually affect them against the idea, especially if they see it is not working out in their family. Just like a son who has an alcoholic father, he may become one himself or see the pitfalls and do everything possible to not fall into the trap of alcoholism. You simply need to ask him what his views are on the subject. ..chi Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 If he is accepting of his family, then if you stay with him, one day those could be your in laws! From the sounds of it, he does accept his family. And even identifies with old pops - calling him a 'great father' and all that. I think it's safe to say that at the very least, he doesn't have a huge aversion to this type of lifestyle and concept of marriage. As for the details, you'd have to ask your bf about those. What he personally believes marriage is about. What he wants for himself and believes in. Link to comment
missmarple Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Ask him. Maybe he accepts the situation (it's his family, after all) but it doesnt necessarily mean he wants the same life for himself. Although, if you're so uncomfortable with the situation, what will you do if things progress with this guy and your future kids have 2 grandmothers on their father's side? It's something you need to think about. Link to comment
Leona700 Posted January 5, 2014 Author Share Posted January 5, 2014 His family is muslim.. I am muslim too but my family is not so traditional..that's a great point about calling him a "great father". what really bothers me is that his father married the second one against the first wives will..I see his family as dysfunctional...I'm afraid he will turn out the same way later in life Link to comment
hers Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 But you can't assume something without getting to know that part of him. Link to comment
offplanet Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 His family is muslim.. I am muslim too but my family is not so traditional..that's a great point about calling him a "great father". what really bothers me is that his father married the second one against the first wives will..I see his family as dysfunctional...I'm afraid he will turn out the same way later in life It could happen because things can change a lot after many years of marriage. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted January 7, 2014 Share Posted January 7, 2014 His family is muslim.. I am muslim too but my family is not so traditional..that's a great point about calling him a "great father". what really bothers me is that his father married the second one against the first wives will..I see his family as dysfunctional...I'm afraid he will turn out the same way later in life See that would concern me too. If I felt a partners family was seriously dysfunctional, and my partner hadn't taken actions to distance himself so that he could have healthy relationships. If he is still 'in the thick' right with them, it would concern me much more than if this is simply where he comes from, and yet he is identifying himself as his own man. Age too would be a consideration of mine. I dated so many men from all different backgrounds, races, religions. This was in my twenties. Now in their 30s, the great majority of them 'went back home' to their mother culture and background. So I happen to think it is a legit concern. It can't hurt to ask him about it though. Have a dialogue. Link to comment
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