The Diary that Talks Back

[lavenderdove]

>>Yeah, it's just "business". But there's a certain amount of curteousy that you normally extend to people you have long term professional relationships with. I'm not upset or anything, but I do feel like they could have handled it better.

 

I think you should focus on the term 'business is business'... it is great to be pleasant and friendly with those we work with, however in many cases business needs will conflict with personal needs, and the people who rise to the top are usually ones who are able to make those hard choices and NOT pamper people's emotions. Work is meant to be about the business and not group therapy, so sometimes people in power will ON PURPOSE not get into the touchy-feely stuff and 'emotions' because they know they need to focus on business needs and not 'pleasing' or 'pampering' people.

 

So you shouldn't take it personally, and should continue to be polite, professional, and unemotional if someone else gets selected for a job you want. And try really hard to recognize that it IS about business and as much as they may like you as a person, they are going to come down on the side of doing what they think is right for the business and not what is 'easy' on you or the other candidates.

[Catherine_3]

You're so right. Thanks

[Catherine_3]

Just when I thought the bad luck in my husband's family couldn't get any worse, I'm proven wrong. If I would write on here the horrible things they've endured over the past couple years, no one would believe me. I feel helpless watching them in so much pain and I can't fix it for them.

 

More bad news today. Really really bad news. I left work when I heard about it, to come home and comfort them. I'm so mad. The injustice in this country can be hard to endure but the injustice in other countries, especially against women, is unimaginable.

[Catherine_3]

In addition to the main tragedy playing out, the news today was that their family friend from church, a 39 year old man, had a fatal athsma attack. They took him to three different hospitals but none had the drug. They banged on the door of their family doctor and he wouldn't answer. Also my MIL's little brother was the victim of an armed robbery.

 

Living with my husband's family is like waking up inside a new action movie every day.

 

This is why I started the thread. I need a place of my own. I don't talk about any of this stuff with my own friends or family because I feel like its not mine to share. But I need a better way of processing it.

 

I'm someone who doesn't even watch the news because its so negative and I think psychologically unhealthy. (I read the news and I'm selective about reading more educational stuff than sensational)

[Catherine_3]

It's funny - I haven't really had to give negative feedback much since I started this journal. I think I just feel so bad giving negative feedback that in my mind it seems to happen more than it does. The guy who report to me have been just going way over and beyond my expectations lately. With two of them, recently, I have negative feedback and it seemed to really resonate with them. With one, I basically said "I tried to give you guidance, you didn't want to follow my suggestions, so now how am I supposed to back you up? You know the requirements for the project, so now it's incumbent upon you to develop a plan for meeting them. Report back to me once you've got your plan".

 

That's about as b--chy as I ever get, but it was harsh enough to wake him up. He is on top of his game now.

 

I guess this journal has helped me at least realize I don't give negative feedback as often as I thought. That's reassuring.

[Catherine_3]

I haven been sticking to my goals of getting really strong this past week. That will be my goal for the week - to do strength training every day.

[Catherine_3]

...except Tuesday. I'm traveling (day trip) for work and basically fly home just in time to attend a concert with some friends. Hectic! Ill give myself a free pass that day.

[mhowe]

I think because you are aware and have limited how many negative things you will say to hubby (tripping on shoes) or employees... you are picking your battles!

 

As they say..awareness of the issue is half the battle.

[Catherine_3]

It's true that awareness is half the battle but I don't have that awareness yet. That will be one I my main goals for 2014. Sometimes I feel like I'm far too laid back. Other times I feel like I'm giving a lot of negative feedback. I'm ultimately held accountable for a lot of things I have no direct control over.

 

I also feel like its about finding the perfect balance - the sweet spot. I don't think I'm at an extreme now. When I look at my two fellow managers - one is a total micromanager and the other is impossible to read - he never gives negative or positive feedback (it's unnerving)

 

I'm definitely in the middle of them. I have some good mentors who coach me through the tough situations.

 

Instead of the project management designation, I'm considering a professional designation in mediation. It's supposed to teach you skills that you can use in all your relationship - kids, spouse, colleagues... In addition to the on-the-job applications of th skills. I think that would be really cool.

[Catherine_3]

Oh so apparently there is a new policy at our work that HR only contacts the successful candidate. No rejection call. That explains it. We are all understaffed and unable to do our jobs to the same level that we were used to. Looks like even HR is affected.

[Catherine_3]

My spending habits:

 

I'm baffled by the people around me. Some of them seem to spend money on the most random things. Stuff I would never be able to justify purchasing. I also feel like some of my friends think I'm stingy. I have some friends who do direct sales of things like jewellery or skin care products. I will try to support then by buying something small or hosting a party but honestly that stuff is overpriced and I just would never spend my money on it.

 

I also have very few toys for my kids, at least compared to others whose homes are filled with mountains of toy piles. For one thing, most toys are plastic and I try to avoid buying plastic. Also, I'm just not someone who enjoys shopping. I would rather play with my kids - board games, piano, skipping rope, dance contests, drawing, going for walks, making snow forts... Plus, they get tire of toys after like 2 days and then you have all this clutter... So I rotate my toys. Once they get tired of something , I put it in the basement for 6 months. When it comes back out, it's like new again. Also, they can then be responsible for cleaning their rooms because they aren't cluttered with too many toys.

 

Anyway, today I was telling my friend Im thinking of making my unfinished basement into an indoor playground with gym mats, swinging ropes, climbing wall, etc. she said "I think that's a great idea since you don't invest in toys".

 

I guess we just choose to spend our money on big ticket items so people see those and assume we are rich and think we can afford to just throw our money around. Our friends also try to throw parties at our house, and I get that hosting comes with the territory when you've for the big house, but everyone expects you to have a feast and it gets expensive. Plus, I just hate it when things are expected instead of appreciated.

 

And I hate how materialistic everyone is. At Christmas everyone keeps asking "so have you finished your Christmas shopping?" I know it's just one of those ice breaker questions but why does it have to be all about the buying? Why can't it be about charity, community service, helping those in need... Kids get WAY more enjoyment out of that stuff anyway. Not that I didn't give gifts. Of course I did. Each of my friends' kids got a very carefully chosen book. And my kids got what they asked for, although their wishes are simple (my 6 year old wanted nail polish).

 

Anyway, that's me. I don't like malls. I don't like plastic. I don't like putting crap ("beauty products") on my face because they are probably full of toxic chemicals and I'd rather just get rest, eat veggies, drink water, meditate, and laugh often so that when I get wrinkles, they are laugh wrinkles.

 

That's just me. Honestly, other than a house, a car (I actually take the bus to save money so probably don't even need the car), and groceries, clothes... what do you really need? Is all that crap really making you better off or are you just teaching your kids the wrong lessons?

[Catherine_3]

Terrible day today. It started with my outfit. Why doesn't it always start with wardrobe drama and degenerate from there? Sometimes I really wonder why I do this. I am seriously underpaid and under appreciated for what I do. Time to move on once you start feeling that way, for sure.

 

Don't think I ate enough today. It's already dark out and I figure I've had about 700 calories. Feeling very awful. Can't wait to go home and hug my husband and kids.

 

Best part of my day was laying in my daughter's bed this morning and saying "I wish we could stay here forever".

 

Next best part was talking to my husband on the phone and him coaching me through it. He gives the best advise.

[Catherine_3]

Wonderful evening to end a crappy day. My kids rubbed my feet and legs and then my 2 year old dressed me in her clothes. I took a picture. I should post it.

 

Still haven't eaten much but ill try to have a big breakfast tomorrow. My tummy hurts with hunger but no appetite.

 

I thought it over, though, and came up with a solution to my big problem of the day. All I needed was my family's company... And perspective.

 

Tonight I told my 6 year old I had a rough day and thanked her for filling my bucket this morning. She said "it ok mom. Everyone makes mistakes. I once called my grade 1 teacher "mom" ". Haha, too sweet.

[Catherine_3]

I'm sitting at a restaurant having eggs benedict on my way to the airport. The only time I eat out really is on business trips. I always need my eggs Benedict breakfast because at the office I start the day with a big bowl of beans and kale. Very filling. So when I travel, if I just do the coffee and muffin, I'm practically passing out by lunch.

 

So anyway, the waitress tried to seat me at the next table over from a gentleman. We were the only ones in a huge restaurant so that felt too intimate. I moved to another table. Then the gentleman got up and moved to a table closer to me! How strange, haha. He isn't trying to chat or anything. Maybe just lonely.

[Catherine_3]

I've given myself one task per week:

 

Week 1: Observe what kind of culture I'm creating around me, both at home and at work. I recently heard someone say that you are going to create a culture around you, whether you're conscious of it or not, so you may as well create an awesome one.

 

Week 2: Just listen. You can always follow up later.

 

(This is something I've had to put into practise a lot already this week. I'm working on just being quiet, or asking genuine questions, but then saying "ok, I'll have to think about this." And sleeping on it at least one night.)

 

Week 3: Be present, focused in the moment, observing all around me.

 

(This is as much a spiritual goal as anything)

 

Week 4: take inventory, figure out what I've learned about how to implement new goals.

[Catherine_3]

My husband is looking for a new job. It's been really quiet lately - no interviews for 3 months! Then yesterday he was invited to 2 interviews.

 

One time when he was speaking at a conference I bought him a cool new pair of underwear - one of those $25 brand name ones with bright colors. I gave it to him the morning of the conference and said it would bring him luck. He liked it.

 

I think I'll do the same for these interviews.

 

I also want to replace all the black socks in his drawer with bright orange, pink and blue dress socks, and then replace the shoelaces in all his dress shoes with matching colors. But I will resist that urge.

[lavenderdove]

>>I also want to replace all the black socks in his drawer with bright orange, pink and blue dress socks

 

Ummm, no, not if you want him to be taken seriously on interviews!

 

Men view a suit as a 'uniform' and they are allowed far less creative license than women are in terms of dress. So black/brown socks are mandatory for the uniform. Unless of course his job is being in a rock band or a country western singer...

[Catherine_3]

I guess it depends where you live and what field you're in.

 

I don't want to say the industry we're in (or where we live) but it's one that's dominated by very well paid men who tend to wear very expensive suits. And bright colored socks.

 

(think traders and CEOs of oil companies)

 

However, I do agree with you that bland is best for an interview. You never know how the interviewer is going to respond.

[Catherine_3]

My daughters and I went to visit a friend last night. One of the reasons I like this friend so much, although there are many reasons, is that she always had positive things to say about her husband. I try to surround myself with people who have healthy relationships so this is always a big part of my friend-screening process.

 

But recently she revealed to me that she is considering trial separation.

 

So last night the kids were playing and she really wanted to talk about the situation. But my issue was that my 6 year old daughter is ALWAYS listening in the background.

 

So when we came home, I talked to my 6 year old about the importance of never speaking badly about our family members, and always having each others' backs. I said my friend shouldn't have been saying bad things about her husband but she is just very upset so we need to be compassionate with her.

 

Her husband isn't a bad guy, he's just not around. And when he is, he's on his phone or watching tv.

 

This morning I wondered whether all this technology has ruined the average relationship. Our grandparents had it so good.

 

If I want to talk to my husband and he's on a device (smart phone, iPad, laptop or tv), I have to ask him to look at me while I talk. But it feels so bossy, I tend only to do it when I have something important and urgent to say. Which means that like 80% of the things I want to say just go unsaid.

 

And I'm not complaining about him because I'm not upset with him for it. It's just technology. It's getting in the way o relationships these days.

[mhowe]

It isn't the device...it is the person using it!

 

My bf and I leave our phones in the entrance way when we are together. Once the work day is done, there are no calls/texts that are more important than who we are currently with....

[Catherine_3]

I do that as well. If I use my phone around my kids, my big girl will tell me that's not allowed. My baby will just take it and throw it at my head, lol.

 

I'll check my messages maybe once in the evening, and people always think it's rude that I don't respond immediately but I'm sorry, I need to disconnect when I'm with my family.

[mhowe]

I do that as well. If I use my phone around my kids, my big girl will tell me that's not allowed. My baby will just take it and throw it at my head, lol.

 

I'll check my messages maybe once in the evening, and people always think it's rude that I don't respond immediately but I'm sorry, I need to disconnect when I'm with my family.

 

Why doesn't your husband live by the same rules?

[Catherine_3]

He makes his own rules.

 

Honestly I'm not complaining because he's an awesome dad and highly attentive. If it's time to chat, or to make supper, or to give the kids a bath, he'll walk away from it. He's a news junky though. It's all good.

[Catherine_3]

Today is spectacular. Sunny winter day. I'm sitting outside, basking in the sun with no jacket on. Not so long ago it was colder than -22 F so this is a real great.

 

I opened up all the blinds, put on jazz and played board games with my daughter. We were planning to hit up the art gallery but my baby fell asleep so we decided to let her nap. She's been down for hours!

 

So I have a friend who I don't want to be friends with anymore. How do I do this? She's never done anything bad to me but she is cheating on her husband and I don't really like her. We also have basically nothing else in common. I guess we are friends because she calls and texts a lot so once every couple of months we will grab a drink and appetizer and chat.

 

Some of my other friends are surprised im friends with her. The rest of my friends are loving, funny, generous, nerdy, quirky, smart, have interesting lives... This one is just... Well I don't want to trash her. But I can't say she is any of that.

 

So my husband said just stop picking up her calls or texting her back. I tried that but now she is concerned and asking me if in ok because I seem off, etc. I've never just ditched someone before. There maybe was once when a friend disrespected me and I realized she wasn't good for me so we ended the friendship. But that was more openly communicated.

 

How do you break up with a friend just because you don't particularly like her or her choices?

[Catherine_3]

I honestly can't remember the last time I was this happy. I'm just sitting here listening to chill out music and feeling so peaceful.

 

Maybe it's because I've gotten back into daily meditation and its clearly all the junk out of my head. Or maybe because the tv isn't blaring in the background like 98% of the time around here.

 

Either way, I need my life to be like this more often. This is perfect.