Broke NC, now I am upset...

[Johnny Utah]

I was doing well. I was at peace. We we're over and although it hurt, I was starting to accept it and move on. This is slightly long.

 

She had gotten a small christmas gift (and final letter) from me a few weeks back and two Monday's ago she left a text saying that she'd call the next day. That week was super busy (no communication), so I wait until Friday and I sent her one last text:

 

"Hi, I know you've been busy but I didn't think it would end with 'I'll call you tomorrow'. Well I know you have a lot going on but still, I didn't think I would be ignored. I thought we would just come to the unwritten rule of not contacting each other.

 

Know that the gift was not meant to elicit a response. I am not looking for a response now. I will be deleting this chat session shortly after and won't be texting you.

 

Well, you have sucessfully pushed me away. This just confirms that I do deserve better. It may taint a little of the memories that I have but hopefully I can use it to stop thinking about you. My brain and heart does not give up easily.

 

I meant every word that I wrote in that letter. I hope you can find somebody that sees you the way I see you and I hope I can do the same. Perhaps it's best we no longer communicate. Take care of yourself."

 

 

 

An hour later she called and left a voicemail. I called her back a few hours after. She was apologetic about how busy she had gotten and stressed with her kids (she had custody of her 2 kids the last 2 1/2 weeks) and with work ending before our 2 week break. She thanked me for the gift (didn't mention the letter) and was ADAMANT that we should share the gift together with drinks. She pushed the issue. I told her that the gift was not meant for that. She picked a date of Mon Dec 26, after the kids went to bed. I agreed because she was adamant. It was unexpected and would be nice to share a final night.

 

 

We had an ice storm accross most of the province that wekeend. Monday comes and she's texting that she's been at her parents and she's super busy. Can we cancel? I said sure. Can we reschedule? Can I help you in any way? She never answers the rescheduling text, but she mentions her driveway is iced over. I tell her I can help chip away the ice on her driveway. We text a lot more but by the time she's home she finds that I had done it for her. She thanks me.

 

The next day she thanks me by text and there's a bit of small talk. Christmas day I text "Merry Christmas", to which I receive a "thank you". That's it. I felt like that would happen but I still texted her because it's at least a nice thing to do on Christmas.

 

Well, the next day I was feeling down and frustrated. I have some anxiety issues and analysis paralysis. I really just want to know what's going on. I know that she hasn't had her kids since Christmas Eve. So on Dec 26, at night, I called and left a voicemail. I can't remember what I said, just that I was disappointed, had anxiety from not knowing (she knows this), she offered this night that I didn't expect and then nothing from her. Just a curt thank you on Christmas. I mentioned that perhaps we shouldn't contact each other but I left it vague.

 

The whole minute long voicemail is not clear in my memory. I decided on a call because I hate texting and waiting for a response.

 

Well now, two days later, I still have trouble sleeping, not hearing from her. I know she's got free time (no kids) and is going out (she has trouble staying in). I am more angry now because I was feeling better. I was thinking I was moving on. She offered this communication, this last night and it's a setback. Yes, it's my fault too, but my last text was sort of empowering and accepting for me.

 

All I could think of last night during sleep was one final text. Just to let her know that I am hurt more now, than before when we broke up. That I felt that we ended on good terms only to be spoiled by this past week. It didn't have to end like this. I know she pushes people away and doesn't communicate. I know I can't let go and I do communicate well. What do I want? Acceptance? Closure? Would a nice, final conversation really make me feel better?

 

Why can't I let this go again? I know by ignoring me, she has let me go and I should take the hint. But she knows I dislike not knowing and not communicating and so she made things worse.

 

I am sure some of you fine, awesome people have insight. I am sure I can guess some of it. But handling this amidst my blooming depression has been so tough. Thanks for reading.

[mhowe]

You need to stop having the "final" contact. Nothing else needs to be said. The context is this....while she thinks of you...she has moved on and thoughts with regards to you or how you are.perceiving her communications or lack there of are. of even on her radar screen.

 

By continually reaching out you are hindering your healing.

[Johnny Utah]

I know. Acceptance and letting go are so hard for me.

[mhowe]

Johnny...it is not like there are other options.

[Johnny Utah]

I know. ;(

 

Why do I want/need to know so bad?

[mhowe]

To know what? Why it ended? Sometimes there are no real answers. The attraction disappeared.

[DancingFool]

You already know she is done with you. Now you are just lying to yourself that sending her the gift and the letter and cleaning her driveway and texting and talking is not a desperate attempt to win her back. You are also upset that it's not panning out for you how you would like. Leave her alone. She is a grown woman who is making her own choices and plans in life and those plans do not include you and that's all you really need to know and accept.

[Johnny Utah]

Johnny...it is not like there are other options.

 

That made me really sad but it's what I needed to hear.

 

Thank you mhowe.

[mhowe]

That made me really sad but it's what I needed to hear.

 

Thank you mhowe.

 

I am sorry you are sad...but the only way out...is through. One step at a time.

[Johnny Utah]

Well, I think it worked.

 

I don't feel the desire anymore. I think the anger went. She doesn't need to be chastised for not making sense or living up to what she says. Although I think she's a good enough person to want to improve, she obviously is going through stuff and although I don't agree with DancingFool, you are right that she is an adult and wants to move on.

 

Thank you for the peace of mind.

[sharky988]

Even though it probably doesn't seem that way right now, you CAN and WILL do much much better.

[Ms Darcy]

Ah man, how much more rejection do you want to put yourself through? Closure is a decision within yourself to recognize and accept that she simply is not interested. No more final contact. Let her go. Hugs.