I know he's not the one, but I still can't get over him...

[Naya2279]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years not even 2 weeks ago. I was starting to have my doubts in the relationship and wondered if there was more out there, but I was afraid of leaving him, and then he went and did this.

 

The week before Thanksgiving he informed me that he was going on a hunting trip (which was nothing out of the ordinary, he is an avid hunter) and would be gone the whole week of Thanksgiving. No big deal really. He left on Sunday morning and I was there when he left. We don't live together, but I had spent the weekend with him so I could see him before he left. Anyways, I heard from him Sunday night and Monday afternoon and then that was it. I worried all week because it was very unlike him not to call and I knew something was wrong. I spent Thanksgiving with his family because he told me that I should because my family was out of town and I had to stay because of work.

 

Well, he called me finally on Sunday and I knew something was wrong instantly. He told me that he would be home that evening and that I should come down because he wanted to see me. I called him later and he said that he was running late and wouldn't be home until really late and that didn't make sense to me because he wasn't all that far away. It turns out that he ended up going to Rhode Island (which is like 10 hours away) to visit his ex-girlfriend that he hasn't seen in 5 years. I was crushed.

 

Anyways, Monday morning I was there first thing to collect all my things and just move on. He tried to stop me, he didn't want me to go saying that I didn't have to take them and that what he did wasn't all that bad and that he still wants to see me and what not. I know she's coming to visit because he told me so, but he won't tell me when because he doesn't want me starting something. He said that she doesn't know about me either.

 

He still calls me every night even though I am trying the NC thing. It's so hard not to answer. Last night he told me that I have been annoying for the past few months and I figured out why. I've been questioning him for months. I had a feeling something was going on and I was calling him out on it. I just didn't really realize it at the time. He had to have been talking to her for a while to go and visit her like that.

 

Anyway, I was having my doubts about if he was really the one before, but I just can't stop thinking about him. He wants to be friends, but there's no possible way. I can't do that to myself. If he had just been honest with me about the whole thing I think I could have dealt with it so much more easily than I am now. I've never been cheated on before and this is the worst. Last night I got mad at him again and he told me to forget he even existed and hung up on me...He's the one that keeps calling me over and over and won't let me be...What do I do now?

[duchesstigerlily]

It seems like you've had a gut feeling that things weren't right in the relationship for awhile (hence the questioning him etc). I know how difficult it can be to try the NC thing. I'm WITH my boyfriend and I know sometimes if we've had a bad fight or whatever I'll attempt NC for at least one night to have some peace and quiet (rarely ever works since it seems like I always answer the phone or his instant messenging etc).

 

It seems to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be able to go off and see other women but yet still have you around. Basically, you have to decide if you really want to be in that sort of situation (and I cant see why you would). I think its time to cut the apron strings and let this guy go. It WILL be hard and you'll likely have some moments of weakness but ultimately, you just have to realize that you deserve and can do better then this. Don't waste a lot of time on someone who obviously isn't going to be entirely committed to you. I wouldn't even bother trying to be friends...since generally that doesnt work out too well (especially if you still have romantic feelings towards him).

 

Probably in a few months you'll look back on this and be totally 100% sure he wasn't the one for you...and who knows, maybe by that time you'll have met someone who *will* make you forget he ever existed.

 

Hope this helps.

[Naya2279]

I know there's better things out there for me, but I just can't stop thinking about him. The thought of those two together just makes me sick. I thought that since I was doubting everything in the first place that it would make breaking up so much easier, but it hurts. I guess I wanted to keep him around and yet still have a break at the same time? If that makes sense.

[titan]

i would have to not agree, sometimes we build doubts in our heads and don't realize that they were just that and don't know what we had until it's gone.

 

My advice just leave it be, stop asking questions even though it's really hard and just treat it like a new friendship.

[striderhiryu81]

Hi Naya.

 

Well, it seems that you've already taken the first couple of steps by identifying a problem in the relationship and then trying to talk about it. It seems that he was hiding something by not letting you know that he was talking to her. Whether that is true or not I guess we don't know, but does it really matter? That apparently wasn't the sole reason for the breakup so you just need to stick to your guns. You seem to really want to be over this person and have even tried using no contact to move forward...but you keep answering the phone! Its not that he' "keeps calling [you] over and over" you...you have the power to screen that call. Use it! My ex called yesterday and it took every fabric of my being, but I did not pick up. Every phone call that I let go, the stronger I get. The stronger I get, the easier it becomes. This is what you should tell yourself next time it starts ringing.

 

This is only true if thats what you really want to happen. If you aren't sure, then maybe you should ask him to give you some space while you take time to figure things out. If having contact right now is emotionally wearing you down, you have to let him know. He should understand that.

 

If no contact is really your goal, when you get the urge to answer that phone, come here and tell us about it. I'm becoming a sort of eNotAlone junky lately, but I'm getting over the girl that cheated on me and that is what's important to me. This place is here to help... "You are not alone"

 

I hope that this all gets better for you sooner than you think. Most likely it will. Like I started out saying, you seem to be making the necessary choices on your own, its just following through with it that has you down. Just know that we are here.

[Naya2279]

I've tried telling him over and over again that I just need some time, that maybe in a month maybe we can talk, but I have to make the move. He messed up and I have the control, but everytime I tell him to back off he gets really mad at me and that's when we start fighting.

 

He says he wants to be friends and all, but I can't be friends with the wounds still fresh like this. Yeah, we had a great two years, but the guy that I've been talking to since he got back isn't the guy I've known for the past 2 years. He's totally changed for her.

[striderhiryu81]

You seem to really want to be over this person and have even tried using no contact to move forward...but you keep answering the phone! Its not that he' "keeps calling [you] over and over" you...you have the power to screen that call.

 

I normally don't quote my own posts, but in this instance it seems the right thing to do. Like you said, you're the one with the control. There won't be a fight if you walk away. Just don't answer the phone. Its been 3 days for me...so I kinda know what you're going through. Different situations, but they are both "fresh wounds".

 

You've stated your need for space. After doing that he should understand that you will contact him when and if you feel you are ready. Wish him a good life in the meantimeand turn away.

[Naya2279]

It's just so hard to do. I've gotten so used to having him around for the past 2 years. I'm realizing now that I've lived the past 2 years for him and not myself and I guess that's the hardest of all of this. I'm so used to being dependent and don't know how to be independent. It's not him that I miss so much, it's the comfortable feeling I guess.

 

Some days I'm so strong and go all day with a smile on my face saying it's time to live a little for me now, and I made it through the first weekend without him just fine. (I used to spend Friday-Sunday at his place) It is time to live for me again. I wanted the freedom, but it scares me to death at the same time. That's why I just could never break up with him.