Is he married??? Should I trust him???

[jilljack]

I am extremely confused at this moment. I have never been in such a situation before. Highs of extreme happiness, then lows of sadness.

 

So much has happened in a short amount of time, my apologies if this opening thread seems long and drawn out.

 

At the start of this year, I started a new job as an expat, outside of my home country (of course).

In June, I met an amazing guy. We met through work, and immediately started hanging out during most of our free time.

 

His previous boss liked me very much and was the one who kind of set it up that we meet.

 

He is from the same country as I am and travels home for 2-3 weeks every 2-3 months or so. I, on the otherhand, stay most of the year in the foreign country.

 

From the start he was very thoughtful. We have a lot in common and enjoy spending time together. The physical chemistry was/is amazing. Recently though, there have been many issues in regards to our relationship; and mainly because of outside influences and nothing to do with how we feel about each other.

 

Problem Number 1: We work for opposing companies. Although his previous boss likes me very much, he has another boss now, who believes that there should be NO contact whatsoever with the competition. A couple of months ago, he had a meeting with my boyfriend and told him that if he continues seeing me, he would fire him immediately (keep in mind, we are expats in a third-world country and the company he is working for is solely owned by this guy).

 

His boss told him exactly how many times he called and visisted me and gave him exact dates as well. Which is quite creepy, to the extend that my boyfriend almost believed that I was the one unintentionally giving this type of information.

 

He stopped talking to me for about 3 weeks, because he needed to think about the way forward and also because he was scared his boss would find out again.

 

My boss called me into his office a couple of weeks after my boyfriends meeting and told me exactly what was discussed between my boyfriend and his boss (scary). This is how I know my boyfriend didn't make up the story.

 

Problem Number 2: That same weekend his boss had the meeting with him about our relationship, I Googled information about my boyfriend. I wanted to find out more about his family and background (he was very secretive about his past relationships).

 

He told me that he had a 14 year old son from a previous marriage and was divorced for 5 years.

 

I found his wife/ex-wife's Facebook profile page and saw some pictures of him with his family. I then found his profile and it showed he was married to this lady (he use to tell me that he closed his profile years ago).

 

He told me that his ex-wife has a daughter of her own, then their child (supposedly the boy) and she had a little boy after their divorce, by another man.

 

The pictures go back over 3 years. Though I found his brother-in-laws profile (he use to work close to the town we work) and there were some pictures of him wearing his wedding ring and his wife commenting on it, referring to her husband, which was only 2 years ago.

 

I confronted him about it, but it was the same time as when he had that terrible meeting with his boss, so he was not very forthcoming with information. He only confessed to be divorced twice (he has the divorce papers to prove it, he says).

 

Fast Forward 3 weeks later, I was getting ready to fly back home for my annual leave in a couple of days, and he starts messaging me, saying that he wanted to apologise. Two days before my departure, he calls me and spends 5 hours on the phone apologizing and chatting (sending me love songs). He told me that I could ask him anything and he would answer. I asked him again whether he was married (I think I asked him about 5 times in previous conversations), he said he wouldn't answer that question because he had already answered it before. He told me that he was married and divorced twice (divorced 3 years since his last marriage) and he never told me because it is not something he was proud of. I asked him about his kids: he said he had two, 14 year old boy from the first marriage and the little girl from the second marriage. I asked him about the little baby boy, he said that it is a long story, but the boy is not his.

 

He came to see me the night before my flight (to apologise in person). He kept on apologising for all the hurt he caused me during those three weeks. He then said that he has future plans for us, so that we can be together. He was offered a job in another country and that he promises that he would come back for me. He will fight for me no matter what. Even if I married someone else, he would still come back for me, no matter where I was in the world. He cant give me an exact period, but I should remember his promise.

 

He was extremely loving. I was suppose to get contraceptive pills on my leave home, he told me not to bother because when I am his, I won't be needing it. I pretended not to hear this remark.

 

The problem is, every time he is home (I think he flew home a few days after I did), he does not contact me at all. A few times I tried calling him, no answer. This seems very odd to me. Someone who acts so loving on moment, can forget about me the next.

 

I can't help but feel he is hiding something.

 

Sorry if this is all confusing, this is the way it is for me too - CONFUSING.

 

I am not sure what to do when I have to go back to work again. Do I insist on seeing the divorce documents, though I am scared I will be pushing him away because it is something he doesn't like talking about, it seems.

 

I have to say though, it helped just venting it all out now.

[jilljack]

I just need to add, I am wondering why someone who is married would risk his job and make future plans with someone else.

[savignon]

Think of the kind of life and marriage/family you envision for yourself. Is it with someone that doesn't tell you things, won't disclose personal "long stories", doesn't take your calls, has different kids from different women to the degree you can't quite follow the whole story and stops seeing you when his boss makes a threat?

Why he does what he does is entirely irrelevant. Is this the guy YOU want??? Do you feel valued, loved, respected, trust him unequivocally and feel a part of all aspects of his life?

This is YOUR choice to make (to wait for him until he "comes for you").

What is YOUR choice??

He is not in charge. YOU are.

[jilljack]

Hi savignon,

 

Thank you for your response. You will not know how much it has helped me.

 

It is good getting an objective view of the actual core issue. You are completely right.

[jilljack]

MY choice is surely for something completely different to what this has turned out to be. In such a short period, there has been so many issues. Definitely not what I envision for myself.

[sara-pezzini]

aside from all the other issues, which are red flags in themselves, the fact that as soon as he is back home he never contacts you and doesn't answer your calls is a huge red flag and tells me that he is living with someone else or something, because there is no real explanation to never call or pick up if he is really single...

so I would forget about this, this is way too complicated and all I see is red flags and not a whole lot of commitment on his part, words are easy, actions speak louder...

[YumiArantes]

I read everything and I found all those facts weird. If this kind of situation happen to me I'll be crazy. You probably like him very much. However, of course, he is holding something. But, I cannot guess what it is.

[mhowe]

If his boss and your boss are direct competitors...I don't understand how yours knew exactly what was said in the meeting between your bf/his boss. The bosses would never have discussed it. Secondly, if that were the rule/required behavior...you boss would never have introduced you.

None of it makes an iota of sense.

[jilljack]

Thanks for the replies. I know, there are just too many red flags. Don't get me wrong, when we are together, he is very attentive to me. Though he shows classic signs of a manipulator.

 

mhowe, my boss found out about the discussion from someone who knows my boyfriend.

 

His ex-boss introduced us. My boss and his new boss does not want us to be seeing each other.

[bulletproof]

I found his wife/ex-wife's Facebook profile page and saw some pictures of him with his family. I then found his profile and it showed he was married to this lady (he use to tell me that he closed his profile years ago).

 

If he told you he closed his profile and still has one, he is lying. Also, are the photos recent or not? You said they go back over three years, but I don't know what that means. Are some of them from last week? If so, then he's clearly lying about that also.

 

So the question would then be, do you want to date someone who lies?

[annie24]

I think you need to listen to your gut. He's hiding something, you just don't know what. I had a similar situation with a foreign man I was dating. I started asking questions and he disappeared. I found out a few months later he was married.

[DancingFool]

Yes, he is very attentive to you when he is not lying, hiding things, likely cheating on his wife with you, not returning your calls when he is away, has multiple kids with multiple women, etc. How low can YOU sink for a little attention here and there? Surely you realize that you can have an attentive guy who doesn't come with all these issues. By the way, his promise to find you no matter what is really kind of creepy when you think about it. It's not really cute or nice at all. I think you've gotten involved in a really weird situation and should probably work on extricating yourself from it fast.

[shelty24]

Hes a narcissist. Theres too many red flags. Run a mile

[jilljack]

bulletproof, when I asked him about his Facebook page, he told me that he thought he had closed it because he hasn't been using it for a long time. The pics of him are all older than three years. There are recent pics, but none of him.

 

He has lied to me in the past, quite straight-faced, so I don't doubt he can still be lying.

 

annie24, thank you for your reply. It helps to know mine is not an isolated incident. My gut is def telling me to run.

 

Dancingfool, you are 100% right. The little bit of attention is not worth my dignity and sanity. I also found that statement of his odd and over the top.

 

Yep, narcissist is the correct correct word for sure.

[Kendahke]

Divorce is a public record. You can find that information out on your own. You don't need him to produce anything. The court will do that for a modest fee.

[jilljack]

Kendhake, good idea and something I am surely considering (my mom suggested it from the outset); though I need to get his National Identity Number to look it up online.

[Kendahke]

Kendhake, good idea and something I am surely considering (my mom suggested it from the outset); though I need to get his National Identity Number to look it up online.

 

Your new boss might be able to find that out for you, since he doesn't want you two seeing one another, either. Tell him that you think he is lying to you...

[jilljack]

My boss is trying to get as much information for me as possible, but unfortunately, he will have even less access to that info than what I would.

 

And at the moment, the fact that we made up is a secret, if anyone finds out, he'll be fired immediately and I don't want him to lose his job because of me.

[jilljack]

Our relationship is a secret to such an extent that he has cleaned his entire laptop, scared his boss bugged it.

 

He only contacts me from a private number his boss doesn't have.

 

He says it is only until he has a new job.

 

I know, sounds like a soap opera.

[annie24]

i would just run. no need to play detective. just cut him off. if he's really single, then why wouldn't he be picking up your calls (like another poster said).

[jilljack]

Yes, this is not normal behaviour for a healthy relationship. He should've satisfied and cleared all my doubts.

 

If it is like this now, who knows what type of future it will be.

[Kendahke]

Yeah, I would just let him go. Sounds like too much skulduggery.

[jilljack]

Thanks Kendahke and everyone else. Discussing this has really helped me get perspective of my thoughts.

 

I thought I was complicating everything in my mind.

[markfromark]

His boss told him exactly how many times he called and visisted me and gave him exact dates as well. Which is quite creepy, to the extend that my boyfriend almost believed that I was the one unintentionally giving this type of information.

 

He stopped talking to me for about 3 weeks, because he needed to think about the way forward and also because he was scared his boss would find out again.

 

My boss called me into his office a couple of weeks after my boyfriends meeting and told me exactly what was discussed between my boyfriend and his boss (scary).

 

 

Did you ask your boss where he got this information from? From the other boss?? Sounds very fishy.

 

I think your boyfriend is playing all three of you. Get rid of him.

[jilljack]

markfromark, we work in a small town, so everyone knows about everyone.

 

My boss was sitting next to someone on a flight out of town. They started chatting. My boss told him where he was working, so the guy mentioned that he knows a guy (my boyfriend) who is dating a girl (me) from the same company. That is how the conversation started and he told him about the argument.

 

I still don't know who the person is, I asked my boyfriend - he had an idea, but it turned out that it wasn't the person he thought it might be.