Is she doing it again?

[BigSyke]

I've been with my GF for about 6 years. She's cheated on me with this guy she works with, and left me for him on two separate occasions. both times she's broken up with me for about 3 months. Please do not post saying I need to move on, I'm working through this, and I'd rather hear logical answers about this situation.

 

When she came back the last time, July 2013, things were outstanding. She moved back in. All until one night she was showing me pictures (on her phone) of her and co-workers, and I saw one with her wrapped around a new co-worker, and she quickly shut her phone off, making up a story saying "oh...haha, that guy keeps asking me out, creepy....". That was Oct 2013, and ever since that, things were going downhill pretty quickly. Late Oct, I had to beg her to see me for my birthday, but she had church at 2am (lol, her common excuse), so that was a bust. I only saw her once all of November. She was busy with work, and slept at her parents house (on the couch) because it was 1 mile closer.

 

This month, I saw her once. A few weeks ago, she was over and claimed she had to go to church. I straight up asked if she had plans with some guy. She started giggling, and turned BRIGHT RED, and said "Sorry I'm laughing, its just funny....uhhh, wait no I don't think I do?". I sort of over reacted, and she said "Fine, I cancel, church, and just go on Saturday. Well since that Saturday (3 weeks ago IIRC), I haven't seen her, and she has only texted me a few times asking me what I was up to.

 

This Monday, she texted me saying she was busy Christmas Eve and Christmas, and that she will go over maybe Friday. I got upset, and said "No I'm good", and then asked her if she was seeing another guy. Here's how the convo went;

Me - "Stop being selfish and let me go If you're seeing other guys"

Her - "What?"

Me - "It's not fair to me if you're seeing someone and keeping me on the side until it works out, can't you just directly answer that?"

Her - "I'm NOT! THIS IS EFING RIDICULOUS! you're a psycho! STOP IT! YOU HAVE SERIOUS PROBLEMS!". -- I didn't know what to say, as I've put up with this for soo long without bringing it up to her, and she flips out.

Her - "Every time I go over there is because you force me to, because you're scared of me cheating on you".

Me - "Notice how I NEVER brought up X, not once, who you DID cheat on me with, left me for twice, and displayed the same pattern each time, however I saw you more back then while you were seeing him, how can you blame me?"

Her - "Well I have family things, and I assume you did too"

Me - "I'm putting $100 on you're busy New Years"

Her - "Good night"

 

 

Yes I know better to have provoked her, but twiddling my thumbs every night expecting her to show up is getting exhausting. Last time I found out she was sleeping with this guy almost every night for 6 months, I had to check her phone, and she still denied it, until she started dating him officially. So I'm pretty sceptical on believing her, that there Isn't someone else, considering things went downhill pretty quickly with nearly no Trigger or warning. I do know, when she will have her "Period", I will see her again. Nearly every month for the past 6 years, she is here during that week...Which is also highly suspect.

 

Does this sound like she's seeing someone else, or is the stress from the holidays/work getting to her?

[silversoul]

Impossible to know but it is clear your relationship is not working no matter whether she cheated or not. She is not trying to meet or communicate in a constructive manner to fix it

[metrogirl]

Do you want us to tell you that she is stressed from work and that is why she can't see you? Stressful work didn't stop her from banging the other guy a few times so no it's not work, it's likely the guy/guys she's working with that are making her tired and uninterested in seeing you.

 

BTW, anytime you have to beg someone to see you especially on a special day like your birthday, the relationship is pretty much already dead in the water.

[Romeo November]

I'm not going to give you the move on or the relationship is dead. You asked not to so I'll give my other thoughts on it. You are acting too desperate. If you have ever seen it or experienced it, you know it's a huge turn off. If you want things to get better, stop acting desperate.

[Iggles]

Bottom line, you don't trust your girlfriend. She sees you just once a month. Claims to be on her period when she does see you. And has broken up with you twice for another guy -- her co-worker.

 

Yet you want to hear advice about how to "fix this" and make her loving and faithful to you again.. I'm going to be blunt with the rest of my response:

 

You are deep in denial. You can't change another person or make them act how you want them to act. You only have control over yourself. If she doesn't want to be faithful or truthful to you then she won't. Your choice is to accept the way she treats you or decide not to.

 

It sounds like she doesn't respect you. She is walking all over you and you allow it. Ironically the advice you don't want to hear -- walk away and go no contact -- may be the only way to change that.

 

To answer the question at the end of your post OP, it sounds like a combination of all the above. The holidays is a stressful time for everyone. Work can be stressful as well. And given her history it seems quite possible she is seeing someone else. The only thing that is for sure, she decided whatever she is "busy" with for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is more important than spending time with you.

 

It's clear that you're attached to her. My question to you is, what are you getting from this relationship? Do you feel the positives still outweigh the negatives?

[Ms Darcy]

This relationship has been dead for a long time but you just refuse to accept it.

[MikNomis]

Sorry, I don't think I can sugarcoat things for you just because you don't want to hear it. Yes I'm positive she's seeing others behind your back. You can't stop her because you don't have enough value in her eyes. It's why she's left you twice before, and it's why she will again. It's why she sees you so little and on her own terms. She knows you're whipped and it's too late to change anything. 6 years man, you should've gotten out of this a long time ago.

[BigSyke]

I don't want things sugar coated. I feel as if I was fed lead as a child and dropped many times, as I am soo incredibly naive in this situation. I spend the days fooling myself thinking nothing is wrong, subconsciously I believe her absolutely unrealistic alibis, but then get weird stages that's like a bucket of cold water to the face, until I forget about it 5 minutes later.

 

She makes me believe that she HATES sex, as if I ever ask to "Do stuff", she flips out and says I'm the most annoying person in the world. She claims to hate sex (as of 1 year ago), but I KNOW she didn't the first 5 years of our relationship. She would sneak over every single night at 2am, just to fool around. If that's not enough of a sign, then I'm afraid I'm just to stupid.

[Iggles]

She makes me believe that she HATES sex, as if I ever ask to "Do stuff", she flips out and says I'm the most annoying person in the world. She claims to hate sex (as of 1 year ago), but I KNOW she didn't the first 5 years of our relationship. She would sneak over every single night at 2am, just to fool around. If that's not enough of a sign, then I'm afraid I'm just to stupid.

 

What is the point of this "relationship"? She doesn't want to be intimate with you. She makes excuses not to spend time with you. She's cheated on your repeatedly. It's clear she doesn't respect you and lies to you constantly.

 

Not sure why you're still hanging on when you're a back up option.

[BigSyke]

The truth is, to be entirely honest is;

 

I used to have absolutely no problem getting women. Maybe it's karma, or something of that sort. Since I've started a job working remotely, and have moved into a "Ritzy" area, I don't get out much. Start a friendly conversation with a girl in my area, and you will be in the back of a squad car, quite literally. The time's she left me, I've tried going out, meeting women, putting in 110% to get my life better. I got my life better, but I've crashed and burned with every single girl I met (for the past 6 years TBH). There's much more to it as well. That type of rejection does more damage to someones self esteem than putting up with an attractive, scandalous woman, who I do honestly love more than anything, but who quite honestly seems to be the only women I've met that doesn't drink, and accepts the fact that I don't either.

 

Don't have a drink in your hand, you're a creeper. Terrible reasons, but truthful.

[comegetsum]

My man, I dealt with something similar. The gist of it was, she was using me, I was convenient, a comfort, she would tell me anything I needed to hear to keep seeing her. She knew that I was in deep and that she could do what she wanted. She chose to pursue her ex behind my back and I was ultimately a backup plan. She made the excuses of why she couldn't see me at New Years, and they were awful. It basically became apparent I was being used, and in hindsight I wanted to smack myself. How could I have not seen it back then. I will tell you why, because of hope. Because I reminded myself of the good times and justified that she must like me. I started to get clingy and annoying, paranoid. It was super unhealthy. I caught her out with her ex, and flipped out, yet I still let her come around til finally we both kinda cut ties.

 

At the end of the day you either can choose to move past it, or keep torturing yourself as it unlucky won't change. Honestly sounds like you deserve better than a girl who ha cheated on you at least two times, but YOU have to recognize that for yourself.

[shelty24]

Why do you think you NEED a woman. Why do you have such a fear of being alone that you will tolerate this? She is walking all over you because you let her.

 

You dont need to find someone else within 5minutes of dumping her.. you should be alone for awhile and work on your self esteem so you never allow yourself to be treated this way

 

Also why is it so important that your gf does not drink? Your none drinking gf cheats on you all the time. I drink sometimes and I have never cheated on anyone-been with my bf 5 and a half years