Rebuilding the relationship through friendship

[Trevorjames]

I will try to keep this short, and you can read about the entire back story in my previous post.

 

I broke up with ex because of a fit of jealousy over a close male friend visiting and getting all her attention for an entire week. I called her a few hours after the break and tried to apologize and told her I over reacted and want to talk things over more, but she was uninterested. I spent some time saying sweet things and making romantic gestures over the next week, showing her I want her in my life and would fight for her. She hasn't been communicating too well saying she just doesn't know what she wants or if she could see me the same way, and that she needs to be free to live how she wants. I have heard all she is willing to say, and am aware that she is communicating heavily with this same friend, and he is really helping her get over me, she denies having any romance for him(he is in love with her though); just that it feels good to talk and laugh and forget everything. I told her I care enough about her to break my rule of never being friends with an ex(after a 4 day NC break) and try as friends, because she wanted a friendship for now.

 

I have been attempting to be positive and only talk about normal stuff. She knows I am doing this in interest of regaining romance. She doesn't reach out to me on her own and responds mildly to my messages. I know she still loves me and she is still attracted to me (we have kissed and told each other since the breakup). We have tickets to go to NYC together coming up soon, and she is still going. We have been there many times but never during Christmas, and is something we always wanted to do together. I plan to just be me and make her laugh and have an amazing time, no relationship talk.

 

Our break up was very sudden and there was no lack of love between us, I just acted like a fool and am trying to fix it. Don't really know how

 

So I am asking:

1) In this case would rebuilding as friends first help? she has done this with exes before (each day she grows closer to her friend and farther from me)

2) My plan is to enjoy the city and show her a great time, and then back off to only trying to see her once every weekend for first date kinds of things and call her once a week just to ask how she is and about her day.

 

My other option:

Go to the city, give her the best day I can, and then completely disappear and let her come to me again when she is ready

 

or third option:

Say screw it, we aren't going to NYC, and we cant talk anymore.

 

I like option 2 the most, and 1 sounds healthy to me as well, 3 just sounds... cold.

 

Let me know what you think, or please share similar experiences

Notes (we were about to move into our first apartment, a week before i broke it off. We have been together for just short of a full year. And she was head over heals for me(which is why the dramatic switch is very strange for me). We have been broken up for 2 weeks now.

[surfjon]

If she truly loved you, and wanted to be with you....she would be with you.....

 

Chances are, she'd been thinking of getting out....for how long?? Who knows....you never will.....

 

The "fit of jealousy" was simply her "out", and she took it and ran with it.....she shifted the blame to you for her wanting out....

 

Jealous fit or not, if she wanted to still be in the relationship, she would be there....

 

She's keeping you as a friend to transtion onto the next thing or dude......

 

Let it go, be strong and distance yourself......

 

I'd cancel any trip with her as a "friend", as I promise you......

 

if you go, you'll be back here starting a thread called "Why Did I Take A Trip With Her, ARGGHHHH!!!"

 

 

I'd take option 3 bud.....

[HeartGoesOn]

My vote is option 3, as well.

 

You can spin this around to your hearts content, yet the final answer is if she wanted to be with you she would, and nothing could keep her away. It's a tough pill to swallow but you have to crawl before you can walk, so to speak.

[sammi87]

Option 3. You don't need to be cold, but you need to tell her that if there's any hope of you two having a friendship, you need to take some time (1-2 mos min) and get over the breakup first. Only then can you start fresh.

 

The other two will only leave you looking desperate and seem pushy.

[Trevorjames]

I don't believe she wanted out, she was devastated that morning and didn't see it coming, she had everything riding on moving in with me; wants out of her house. She responds with anger more often than anything else, so she gave me her anger. Her mother told her she clearly wasn't ready for a serious relationship considering how she made me feel spending all that time with someone of the opposite sex without reassuring me, her mother took my side and that affected her a lot. This other guy is also telling her to just focus on her future and what she wants out of life, and he is giving her all the attention she needs. So I would give her long no contact if i wasn't dealing with this snake in the grass guy, he is very very long distance from her, but is very emotionally manipulative for her now.

 

So I could keep my presence known, since I am physically there, and show she could still depend on me and that I am still the man she enjoyed being with. Or I could trust the universe to bring her back if I just walk away

[doicare]

Ive honestly regained a gf through friendship. Honestly though it sounds like your jealousy wasnt just that one incident. You gf was with you because she loved you, and you acted insecure and jealous - huge turn off.

 

you need to figure out a way to get past that first. If you can actually just go there and just act indifferent to your relationship and be her friend without losign it, then I say you should go. If you plan on reconciling with her, you may start acting out and make things worse (ive been there too).

 

She's agreeing to go with you, so it's really a matter of how you act. Right now your behaviour is showing you're panicked and jealous and that's why this other dude is getting her attention, because he's acting cool.

 

The more you chase her, the more she'll run away. Only way to attract her back is to be confident and indifferent to the way she feels about you.

 

Not sure if you can grasp all that, because there is lots of awareness behind it, but I suggest you do some homework first. Again your romantic gestures are not what you need to do to get her back.

[Trevorjames]

I also really want her back as my girlfriend, so... she isn't like other girls I've dated, she values friendships very highly, and needs that connection. She made me do things very slowly when we first started and was a long road of building love and trust. I think she needs to see that come from me again.

[Trevorjames]

Also I am hoping to show her I wont be jealous, I was only really mad because she ignored me an entire week and was acting strangely, refusing to put me at ease when I brought it up. So i made my choice, wrong one though, we were about to move in, and be close, her whatever for the other guy would of tapered off. the other side of the coin, is if she cared she wouldn't of let me feel that way, she would of acted to help it when I asked her to please save a day or two for me or call during that time, and tell me when she wasn't coming home. I'm truly not the jealous type, all she had to do was say i love you a few more times, and say "hey im staying at so and so's, too drunk to drive, love you" and i would of been like great have fun. instead I found out next day she never came home.

 

She was acting sketchy, but she wasn't doing it maliciously, and I should of realized that instead of assuming

[doicare]

ive had other guys chase my gf, and ive never been jealous. I did tell one of my exes, that this guy was trying to sleep with her. She denied it, until he kissed her one night. I asked her for his number, she refused. I almost broke up with her. She stopped seeing him.

 

I suggest you pull back a bit then, reply to her, then slowly back away. She needs to feel the idea of losing you. NC is really a good idea.

 

Ive also changed my mind I think Sammi87 has the best advice. It'll honestly do wonders for getting her back.

 

And honestly, once you break up, there is no getting her back. There is only the future to build on, so it would have to be a new relationship. In order to do that you need to back away and maybe in a couple months you can start afresh.

[sharky988]

I also really want her back as my girlfriend, so... she isn't like other girls I've dated, she values friendships very highly, and needs that connection. She made me do things very slowly when we first started and was a long road of building love and trust. I think she needs to see that come from me again.

 

Big mistake. Don't agree to be friendzoned. It doesn't work. All it does is help her get over you..... while she looks for her next boyfriend.

[Trevorjames]

So I was thinking tomorrow night calling her and telling her " I know we keep going here and its stressful, last thing i want to do is cause you stress, you don't need it. I acted like a jealous fool and I've never seen that side of me before, it caused me to hurt the person I care for the most. I am going to work on that side of me and pursue my education. So I am asking you to accept that I cancel our trip, and give space between us. A friendship is difficult right now, and I need to come to terms with my actions and become a better person." Words may change, but yeah thats what I would want to say, and then NC until she comes to me

[sharky988]

There is only the future to build on, so it would have to be a new relationship. In order to do that you need to back away and maybe in a couple months you can start afresh.

 

Seriously, DON'T plan on going NC temporarily and contacting her again in a few months to "start fresh." That's not what NC is for. It's not something you do for a short period of time to try and get your ex back or manipulate them into missing you. It's for YOU -- so you can start to heal from the shock of the breakup and STOP doing crazy foolish things like taking trips to New York with your ex as platonic friends!

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[sharky988]

So I was thinking tomorrow night calling her and telling her " I know we keep going here and its stressful, last thing i want to do is cause you stress, you don't need it. I acted like a jealous fool and I've never seen that side of me before, it caused me to hurt the person I care for the most. I am going to work on that side of me and pursue my education. So I am asking you to accept that I cancel our trip, and give space between us. A friendship is difficult right now, and I need to come to terms with my actions and become a better person." Words may change, but yeah thats what I would want to say, and then NC until she comes to me

 

Waaaaay too long. Tell her "I'm taking some time without contact so I can start to move on." Then wish her the best and thank her for understanding. You don't need to explain yourself. Make it short and sweet and not so emotional -- and then walk away.

[Trevorjames]

I don't want to lose anymore time with her, we missed our 1 year anniversary because of it, didn't move in together, and my birthday sucked royally. I feel empty without her, and not having a plan makes me feel worse.

[sharky988]

I don't want to lose anymore time with her, we missed our 1 year anniversary because of it, didn't move in together, and my birthday sucked royally. I feel empty without her, and not having a plan makes me feel worse.

 

No Contact IS a plan that will lead you to REAL healing.

[Trevorjames]

She loved me deeply, and I believe she is distracting herself, talking to this guy a lot for emotional support, and playing video games. She is on break from school now, and her school is extremely stressful as well as work. I think she would start to miss me and all the little things I did once her normal routine comes back. I used to make her lunch, bring her food, thoughtful gifts, was best she has had in bed too, plus I was always on her side with everything, and her family loves me, she will see it. In the mean time I am exploring new jobs, getting through school quicker, and working out. I am gonna be lonely as hell but it might pay off. I just hate being an option.

 

If she broke up with me for the same reasons, I would of been like oh crap maybe you are right and this obviously very serious for you, lets talk more and see what we can fix, she clear walked in the other direction without a fight...

[sharky988]

Maybe she WILL miss you and change her mind! It doesn't happen often, but it does happen sometimes.

 

It happened to me when I was in college, I dumped my then-bf and moved 3,000 miles away and dated other guys and had absolutely no contact for many, many months. But in the end I realized I missed him too much and that what we had was too special to lose forever, so I contacted him and asked for another chance. We were married soon after and were happy for many years.

 

Your best course of action -- for yourself, so you can heal from this breakup -- and to let her get a dose of what life is like without you as well -- is to go completely No Contact. Just disappear from her world and put the focus where it needs to be: on YOU, on healing and feeling better.

 

IF she changes her mind, she'll let you know.

 

Check out that link I sent! It's a guide written by a fellow member here. Lots of people find it very helpful.

[surfjon]

Seriously.....

 

Some of you guys neither get it, nor do you listen for crap......

 

I'm done on this thread, but I'll see more from you....I'm sure....

[doicare]

Hahaha, I love this site. Surfjon makes a point, but so does Sharky. Sharky has been there and gone through this - she knows the drill probably best out of all of us. Basically what she is saying is the best for you. And based on you bringing her lunches, being her emotional outlet etc etc, you look like a pathetic sap. Im not trying to insult you, but you are bending over backwards for this girl who is taking you for granted, because you were her man slave. She has no feelings for you because she walks all over you.

 

While women love this attention, when you give too freely of yourself, especially when she doesnt put in the same effort, you come accross as needy. And no one likes a needy partner

 

Sharky is right, best thing you can do is to give her a taste as to what life is like without you, and by taking action and saying that you are not going to NYC, you are going to finally be that man she has wanted, the one who has a backbone and doesnt deal with her BS. Please understand again, she doesnt have feelings for you because you are acting jealous and needy. By giving into her every whim and by going to NYC, you are only reinforcing her choice. You are proving, that you havent changed. It's only when you're gone, she MAY realize how good she had it. But the longer you stick around, the easier it is to fall out of love with you. BACK OFF AND WALK AWAY. right now you're banging your head against the wall and expecting her to come back to you, it's not going to happen under these conditions.

 

Now, you must get over your addiction to her, and to do that you must get over her. It's only then that you may stand a chance to get her back. BUT DO NOT HOPE TO GET BACK TOGETHER, OTHERWISE YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER HER. This is why Sharky says move on. You may not realize it, but don't want to be in the same relationship. You want to be in one where your partner respects and loves you equally. You need to get your head straight, and that's what NC is for. For your next relationship, you will be able to make that happen once you have your limits set again, which you are so freely given up for your gf. Your next relationship may be with someone new or even your ex, but you need to find yourself first before you embark on the next relationship.

 

But talk to your gf, tell her you can't go to new york as you need some time to focus on moving on, wish her the best, hangup and go NC. Do not tell her you are going to change. She will see it through your actions.

 

You can read my thread "well i got some answers", to see what i did. I hope this clears things up.

[Ms Darcy]

How would getting back together change anything. It's a great situation for her now because she gets your attention (not anger) and get his attention (without your anger).

 

She has little incentive to get back with you if she wants to be able to be free and maintain male friendships as she has.

[Trevorjames]

I'm going to take her to the city, and make the day about her and nothing about us. Show her a good time and have fun. Then give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek when we are back to our cars. And then tell her I had a good time and leave it at that. I will not contact after this and wait for her to reach out and let her miss me. Right now she has a very sour taste in her mouth about all of this. I will at least leave her feeling good and that will be our last memory together. I could live with that even if she doesn't come back. I am gonna be alright. She screwed up, I screwed up, everyone screwed up. We both lose in this breakup. I will end it on a good note. I can do this, and then heal on my own feeling good where I left it.

[doicare]

Best of luck dude.

[sharky988]

I don't think Surfjon was referring to me.

 

 

 

 

Worst plan ever.

 

You're merely rationalizing spending more time with her.

 

When you realize this *special day* doesn't work to sway her, you're going to be devastated, despite how you're trying to spin things at the moment.

[Shainet]

But op wants to get her ex back. I think option 2 is better.

[Tanzi]

Another vote for option 3.

 

The reason that you prefer option 2 is because you get to spend a day with her and a day working on her. It is unlikely that you will then just disappear after that. If that really were an option right now then you would be prepared to do that now.

 

There is nothing cold about option 3. You don't actually have to say it to her in that way.

 

I know it is hard "giving up" on the person you love but in order for them to gain some real clarity on the situation you do need to put some time and space between you.

 

As surfjon said, this could be something that was close to happening anyway. We only have one side of the story. For all we know you may have had many jealous rages. Maybe it is something that she feels she can no longer put up with. If she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't hesitate at coming back but it seems she has her reasons to hold back.

 

Time and space is needed for you both to be able to think with a clear head and reflect on the relationship. I believe that there is more to this that just this one incident.

 

Maybe her mum is right. Maybe she isn't ready for a committed relationship.

 

So right now this guy is telling her to do what she wants and to focus on her future. Perhaps you should take that approach too and not make this about what YOU want ... because that is what ultimately (and understandably) happens when one person wants another back. It becomes about what THEY want and they even begin to take into consideration what the other person seems to what at that time.