Rebuilding the relationship through friendship

[Tanzi]

But op wants to get her ex back. I think option 2 is better.

 

 

..... but the OP's ex doesn't . This isn't just about him. This is about what she wants too and if the OP doesn't listen to what she is saying or give her the space she may need he will do far more harm than good in the long run.

[Tanzi]

I also really want her back as my girlfriend, so... she isn't like other girls I've dated, she values friendships very highly, and needs that connection. She made me do things very slowly when we first started and was a long road of building love and trust. I think she needs to see that come from me again.

 

Friendship with an ex is not true "friendship" - not when one is still emotionally attached. When one is still emotionally attached this means that there is a hidden agenda and that the real goal here is to be MORE than friends. That doesn't make that friendship equal.

 

We ALL value our friends and "friendship" but being friends with (and hanging out with) someone whom you once dated but now have NO emotional connection to is TOTALLY different to trying to remain friends with someone you know really wants you back as a partner and in actual fact DOESN'T really want to be your friend.

 

Sometimes you just need space from someone who is pressuring you. If you do that, you could push her away.

 

Also I am hoping to show her I wont be jealous, I was only really mad because she ignored me an entire week and was acting strangely, refusing to put me at ease when I brought it up. So i made my choice,

 

She was acting sketchy, but she wasn't doing it maliciously, and I should of realized that instead of assuming

 

To be honest, it sounds as though she has already made THE choice. I have a feeling that she wasn't as ready to move in with you as you was with her.

[lerenard]

this --

 

I broke up with ex because of a fit of jealousy over a close male friend visiting and getting all her attention for an entire week. I called her a few hours after the break and tried to apologize and told her I over reacted and want to talk things over more, but she was uninterested. I spent some time saying sweet things and making romantic gestures over the next week, showing her I want her in my life and would fight for her. She hasn't been communicating too well saying she just doesn't know what she wants or if she could see me the same way, and that she needs to be free to live how she wants. I have heard all she is willing to say, and am aware that she is communicating heavily with this same friend, and he is really helping her get over me, she denies having any romance for him(he is in love with her though); just that it feels good to talk and laugh and forget everything. I told her I care enough about her to break my rule of never being friends with an ex(after a 4 day NC break) and try as friends, because she wanted a friendship for now. -- tells everything to me.

 

You broke up because of jealousy, because she valued her long-term male friend more then she valued you. She is now spending her time with him, and he helps her to get over you. Her mom knows her good enough to say that she isn't ready for serious relationship, and she said it herself as well - she has no idea what she wants. If she wanted you back she would be telling you that. What pushes you to still be trying to win her back is your hope you can be back together as you were before, but that is not a realistic approach to this situation. Trying your best to stay her "friend" now you will just hurt yourself. I mean she chose the other guy friend when you were her boyfriend, why you think she will concentrate on you now, when you are her EX? I am most sure she will be annoyed and at some point she will tell you that there is no hope for you, and you will be devastated after everything you did to win her back. So just leave her alone NOW, because for me, she shows no romantic interest in you now, and she is in a process of "getting over" you, so respect that.

 

And what you call friendship here is you trying to be her friend, because you have no other options, and you have romantic interest in her, so you chose to stay in contact with her that way. Friendship should be gained before relationship, not after it ends, when you are desperate to get your ex back.

[Trevorjames]

I am trying to get her back down the road. But after all that has happened she can't think of me positively. This trip will leave her feeling good about me at least is some small way more than before. I don't care if I lose her, I can deal with being single or alone. I just have a hard time dealing with regret and shame for my actions and leaving things in a bad place. If she walks away with an okay feeling about me and we never get back together I can suffer that more than her just hating me and never getting back together. I know her, if I call her and cancel and tell her I'm not talking to her anymore she will go from cautious disinterest to absolutely none. At least this way she maintains a good image of me and a positive memory, I can walk away from a situation like that. And down the road she may remember that trip and all the good times and call me, If I just say f you and disappear, she won't be coming back guaranteed. You don't play mind games with this girl, they don't work. She needs to feel good about something to be able to reconsider in a few months. I do thank you all for the advice you gave, and would always like more, but I've been dating a long time, I know some stuff too. I am emotionally ready for this day and know how I am going to handle it.

 

Maybe give pointers or some advice for the trip? I have a unique and eventful day planned so it won't be hard to avoid the topic of us, unless she brings it up herself, which I will avoid it. I know us getting back is months down the road. She needs to be influenced delicately for that to happen, shock and abandonment don't work on her

[QWit]

Being her friend with intentions of getting back with her probably won't work for you.. What happens when she still spends way more time with her guy friend than you (which she probably still is)? What happens you go through with that trip and she still tells you that she doesn't want you back? I don't think you would be ok with that.. Right now, you are making alot of assumptions about how the trip will go and about her feelings..However, do as you wish.

[sharky988]

This trip will leave her feeling good about me at least is some small way more than before. I don't care if I lose her, I can deal with being single or alone. I just have a hard time dealing with regret and shame for my actions and leaving things in a bad place.

 

You're not being honest with yourself.

 

After the trip, assuming she goes through with it, you'll be back here posting again, trying to rationalize reaching out and making contact again.

 

There's no tips or pointers possible for this trip.... it's a foolish attempt at trying to win back your ex, and it won't bring you the result you're hoping for. The more time she spends with you now, the more deeply mired you are within the friendzone.

 

You CANNOT *delicately* manipulate this woman into changing her mind.

[Tanzi]

I know her, if I call her and cancel and tell her I'm not talking to her anymore she will go from cautious disinterest to absolutely none.

 

If that really is the case then there really isn't anything here to save.

 

People seem to be under the impression that they constantly need to remind their ex's of how wonderful they are and how wonderful the things the used to do together were. They fail to recognised that when a person leaves a relationship they are willingly choosing to leave all that behind them too and that they most probably don't want to be reminded of these things. She isn't going to be able to wipe you from her memory and if she were ever to start thinking about you again, it would be you and your relationship as a whole not just the last day you spent together. It will also be in her own time.

 

If, however, she is able to move on without so much as a backward glance then she really is ready to let go and move on and nothing is going to change that.

 

You are romanticising this day in your head. You are assuming that YOU can make her feel good but if she doesn't want to be with you right now then spending a whole day with you could be difficult for her, especially if your ulterior motive is to influence her "delicately". It could end up having completely the opposite affect on her than the one you are hoping for.

 

There really is nothing better than giving someone the space that they are actually asking for. You have already said that she doesn't contact you and only responds "mildly" to you. As things stand, you haven't allowed her that space. By constantly popping up in her life you could actually be making a nuiscance of yourself and it will push her even further away .... no matter what "stuff" you think you know.

 

... And you aren't abandoning her. She is asking to be left alone ... and that is something you really need to start accepting.

[sharky988]

It's true.

 

OP is mistakenly thinking he can somehow control what his ex thinks and feels..... and thereby change the outcome of this breakup.

 

I'm afraid at this point we're talking to a wall....

[firefly2613]

Everyone here giving you advice has gone through this stuff before. At this point, it is up to you whether you take our advice or not. But, trust me, there are NO exceptions, and you are NOT an exception.

 

You must go No Contact. Your ex needs you to do that and, more importantly, you need to do it for yourself, though you may not realize it right now.

[sammi87]

I'm sorry...where did SHE screw up?

[HeartGoesOn]

Although the chances are slim to none, the best way to get someone back, (if it were to happen) is to do the direct opposite of what you're doing, which is to completely disappear. She knows you want her back, she knows you don't want to be friends, in the true sense of the word, and she knows where to find you, if she wants to reconcile.

[lerenard]

Dude, she is trying to get over you. Are you sure she even wants to go to that trip with you?

And I agree - you talk like you know how she feels, what she wants and what she thinks about. You may have some ideas about her feeling now, but she is not you, and she told you straight away - she doesn't want a relationship with you, she is on her way to getting over you, so don't fool yourself.

If you want it to be over in a good note, just leave her alone now, she knows you are sorry, and she knows you have feeling for her. Leave her alone.

[Trevorjames]

You all might be happy to know, I called her and told her its stupid to be taking a trip together, and that we shouldn't talk to or see each other for a very very long time. So I'm initiating no contact, she will be the one to break it if she wants to. I have formed such a negative opinion of this girl at this point, I don't care what she does(part of me does, but it's not love anymore). She is proving me right to have made the decision to break up by pursuing this other guy. He told her he was gonna kill himself when he returned home, and that he left a note, so if she wants to get involved with that train wreck its her own problem. You were all right, I knew I needed no contact and to just rip her out of my life, but was clinging to hope. This guy is extremely long distance and she doesn't actually really know him at all. Plus he is emotional and suicidal, she made her own choice. And I know when her schedule sets back in she will miss the things I used to do, and I hope to god I'm in a good enough place to say no when that happens.

[Shane Falco]

Haven't finished reading, but this is a really bad plan.

[Shane Falco]

She needs to be influenced delicately for that to happen, shock and abandonment don't work on her

 

So you are trying to manipulate her into getting back with you? Yeah, this will turn out well

 

Edit: Just saw your last post. Thank God you came to your senses.

[sharky988]

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.... but I'm really glad to hear you're ready to stop the contact and give yourself a chance to heal!

[Trevorjames]

This girl lost her last serious relationship for the same exact reasons, and it kills me that she didn't learn a damn thing. She even said this is exactly what happened last time. So I keep reminding myself that I deserve better, she isn't the type to compromise and invest in a healthy relationship. For me a relationship is 1 + 1 = 3, and I need someone who could give me that. If she came back tomorrow I would cautiously say yes, but two months from now, who knows. Relationships are so stupid, hopefully my ex doesn't break this other guys heart, he might try and kill himself. On the bright side, me breaking apart the relationship may have saved his life? I'm strong enough to be without someone, so maybe its a good thing. I honestly want to tell her to be careful because he openly admitted to being ready to commit suicide.. seriously how could you get involved with that?

[sharky988]

It's time for you to step away.... you're doing it by starting No Contact, so you're removing yourself physically, emotionally and in every way from the relationship and from all other aspects of HER life and HER world.

 

She's not going to fall apart and if this is the choice she's made, she'll deal with it. It's no longer your problem HOW she deals with it.

 

As to this other guy, he could simply be using the threat of suicide as a form of emotional blackmail to pull her in... it's shocking how common this is! Really, I wouldn't be assuming anything regarding his true intentions at this point.

 

It's time to start putting the focus back where it belongs: on YOU, on YOUR life -- on healing and feeling better!

 

Do you have plans for the holidays? Are your friends and family being supportive right now? Are you exercising every day to help yourself feel better?

[Trevorjames]

It's just funny how you think you know someone, and then they surprise you.

 

Also yes, Ive lost 5 pounds and been working out, and seeing friends a lot, even went on a few dates.