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hooked up with Ex..now what?


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Lately I have been in touch with an Ex from 10 yrs ago. He is now divorced with kids. We were just too young and immature way back then so it didn't work out.

 

Last night we ran into eachother and hung out for awhile. We ended up in bed and it was a very nice time. It was spontaneous and not really something I have been wanting to have happen on purpose. Now I have feelings for him again, but different than years ago because I really care for the guy on that friendship level by now. But now I can't stop thinking about him and how great he is. I didn't see how great he was back when I had my chance.

 

So what now? We went from just "old friends" to this but we didnt talk about what this means. I told him I had fun and want to get together again sometime. But, Im afraid he will lose interest since I slept with him....it was just comfortable and easy because we have done it before. He has alot on his plate with his ex and kids so I dont want to seem needy or pushy. But I dont know where to go from here...

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I would do the same thing....ask him flat out if he is interested in dating/getting to know you more on a romantic level. If he says something about 'too much on his plate/kids/divorce/etc' then its just too fresh for him but MUCH BETTER that you know now. If he says he 'can't go there' or some variation of that, then tell him you've had a great time catching up and he can call you if/when he changes his mind. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for big time heartache.

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How do you know after only one night together that you care for him again? I know you have a history, but your history is 10 years ago. As you yourself admit, you were both immature, which implies you are both different people now. One night is not enough time to know what his morals and values are, and how he is going to treat you.

 

I think you need to take a step back and ask yourself how you can care about him after only one night.

 

And, if after one night you can't stop thinking about him, I think you need to ask yourself why. That to me, is a red flag.

 

If there's more to the story, please share.

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Was this the first time you've been in his company since you have gotten back in touch?

 

no....but it was several months ago, we met up for lunch oneday. We had been in touch for awhile before that. After the lunch, we stayed in touch but I wasn't feeling romantically toward him, I had thought of him as a good friend and a good person that I have known for a long time. But for reason something just clicked last night, completely unexpected, and there it was. I found myself feeling very good being in that situation with him. It came very naturally as though 10 years didn't go by. No pretending or no awkwardness at all, just boom here it is. I decided I definitly like him as more than a friend now. And going back caring about him after 1 night, I don't care because of 1 night, I care because I know he is a kind hearted person, I already had some extent of caring like a friend does. So that has increased after being intimate with him. But when I say can't stop thinking about him I mean I am just happy today, with butterflies in my stomach and all that good stuff. I haven't felt that for anyone in a long time. It just feels very good and I hope he felt it too but who knows...

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You guys are go available, have a history, enough time has past for changes, the hopping into bed thing was a little quick but....I say if you like him throw all your cards on the table and let him know. I know that's a big if, but, just do it,

 

I definitely want this to continue. I just dont know how or when to tell him that. I am so bad at talking about my feelings.

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I would advise you to wait for a bit before trying to engage in a relationship again with him. I'd also say that it's natural and normal that sleeping with an ex that you cared about brought back some old feelings, though those feelings might be ephemeral, especially if you've been feeling alone lately. Ask yourself if it's a relationship with him specially that you want or just a relationship. I've gone through similar situations with ex-boyfriends, I wouldn't stop thinking about them, but later I'd often realise those feelings were merely nostalgia and due to a bit of loneliness, not actually real; they were more of some kind of obsession I had created to fill something that was missing in my life. Relationships end for a reason, even when they end up with both parties on good termes.

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I decided I definitly like him as more than a friend now.
Then you should not have gone to bed with him because now you're basing your feelings on lust and infatuation. Sex has clouded things for you and it's just given him an orgasm. He was not emotionally connected to you in anyway at the time of your coupling. He will find it quite easy to just fade away again now. He may not, but if he doesn't then I suggest you clue into the fact that you do not even know who this man is now. For all you know he could be a woman beater or a womanizer to the nth degree and you've just shelved yourself for him to do when he's in your area.

 

Step back and view this logically for a few minutes. You're in this way too deep for how much interaction you've actually had with him. What is missing in you, in your life at the moment that you're alowing this losing yourself to a stranger?

 

If you're going to go to bed with some guy you've chatted with and you feel your fantasy online moments have made you really like him, and you may want a relationship with him and you're laxidasical enough to have sex without commitment... then may I suggest that you talk to him after you've had sex and ask him "what now?" With any luck he'll be honest with you and let you know that he wants more (and mean it) or that it was just fun and he's not looking for a relationship so you can unengage appropriately. Look after yourself. There's only one of you so make sure you know where you stand and quit flying by the seat of your pants.

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There is no question that his morals and values are still good as they were years ago. I know beause we kept in touch over the years and he has not changed. I knew girls he dated after me and know that he was good to them.

 

Far as going to bed with him, I didn't even know I wanted that until the very second it happened. Until that point I only thought of him as a good friend. He is not a stranger to me at all. But how do I address the line we crossed now that its been 3 days? Text him? I do know I don't want to lose the friendship. So even though I like him alot, perhaps it is the friendship that I should be making the priority here. I think I could deal with it if thats what he chooses because I do value his friendship.

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So even though I like him alot, perhaps it is the friendship that I should be making the priority here. I think I could deal with it if thats what he chooses because I do value his friendship.

 

I think that once you've crossed that line where intimacy is involved, it's no longer considered a friendship, but more of a FWB's situation. A relationship takes time to develop, which explains why putting the cart before the horse seldom seals the deal.

 

Either way, you have nothing to lose by asking him what he's looking for.

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I just texted and figured I would ask how his day was...which I don't normally do...he answered right away and we conversated like we would any other day, so its like nothing has changed...that is good but still feels like this changes everything...so guess all I can do is go with the flow and let the crumbs fall as they may.

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I don't think he thinks the sex changed anything.

 

well as long as he still treats me like a friend, that is ok...in the past I have known men that act distant or like a jerk in this situation. For now I just appreciate that he is acting normal...after texting him I don't feel awkward anymore. There is still things up in the air I know. But I in the end I will be relieved if we at least remain friends.

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Why don't you wait and see if he text you first now. A friendship is nothing if you're the only one being a friend. You've become defensive of your actions instead of acknowledging that what you did wasn't in your own best interests of someone that wants a relationship with someone (even when you barely even know who he has become).

 

Have you the time to read the book "He's Just Not That Into You?" If you do get it and absorb what women end up doing when the guy isn't all that sussed to be with them. I thought it was a bunch of tripe when it first came out but there certainly is a whole lot of truth to the commentary within.

 

You say you're all calm now that he's "acting normal." That remains to be seen. He responded to you... he's not done anything yet to show you that he's even willing to invest more then what he's already given you. Don't become his booty call. You'll shred your own heart if you allow yourself to become just that.

 

Good luck, hope it works out for you. In the meantime, do learn from this so you don't ever fall into this scenerio again. Its not fun being the wonderer, the single pursuer, the one who cares while the other is just coasting on whats being offered (not saying that's the case here for sure, but chances are higher they will turn out that way when things start out the way they did with you two).

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