I think my girlfriend has depression and wants a break!

[adsmith]

OMG, please can someone help me. I'm going out my mind.

 

I've been with my girlfriend now for 5 years. About 3 weeks ago she told me she's got a lot on her mind and needs to talk. I immediately went to see her and said out of instinct, are you splitting up with me. She said I don't know!

 

She went onto explain that she feels things arent the same anymore and she doesnt look forward to seeing me like she used to. We live about an hour apart. i know she has stresses with work and family and I do everything to help and support her, and she knows this. I think she has a bit of depression but she finds it hard to talk about.

 

She decided that she wanted a break from our relationship to figure things out but not to be with other people. She says she's hopefull it will sort out between us.

 

The thing is I love her with all my heart and Dont want to loose her. She means the world to me. I'm trying to not txt and contact her too much but it's so hard as she says she still wants me to talk to her. it's the not knowing. I'm trying to keep busy at work and home and hitting the gym most days to try and improve myself and feel better but it's heartbreaking. She says she does love me and is missing me but needs time to think things through.

 

Please, does anyone have any advice for me or been through this situation?

[Mari]

I think the distance is screwing up your relationship. Seeing you increases love, but that just makes it hurt when you're not there. So she's getting conditioned to not love you each time you show up and leave.

[SooSad33]

You are doing right by not being in her face..begging etc. Be respectful and give her that space.

Sure- you can respond when she msg's you.. like you agreed.

 

But other than that, not much more you can do. I understand how hard it is to leave someone alone, whom you came to love. it's incredibly hard on the heart & mind.

Just take care of YOU now. As you deal with your emotions. Get your rest & eat well. Going one day at a time.. and see eventually what it is, she wants.

 

Take care and stick with us here...

[adsmith]

Thanks for the responses. It really is comforting to know I can talk to someone about it. Your friends and family don't always see the two sides of it.

 

The distance thing did pop up at the initial break and I wished I told her at the time how I felt. Instead I ended up telling her a couple of weeks later that I'm prepared to move near her so we can eventually settle down together, which we had often discussed.

 

She felt pressured that she would have to move further from work and family to meet me half way as such but I assured her that I love her, want to be with her and will do anything and everything to support her... She said okx

 

The other thing I'm thinking is that over the last few days I have cut the contact right down, but I know she still wants me to txt her. I think that by doing this I'm giving her space and occassional support as opposed to constantly telling her I love and miss her, which tbh she already knows. But by doing this less contact thing I'm worried that she'll think I don't care and I've lost interest.

[Twidom]

I know it's hard to swallow but you have to give her time. If she really loves you, she'll come back. You're already doing everything you have to do. You're taking care of yourself and not pressuring her too much!

 

Stay positive.

[adsmith]

Yesterday I asked her how she was feeling, because she's had a cold the last few days and the response I got was I'm very confused!

 

I asked what about and she told me a few things.

 

The bit about me was "i don't know whether were still right and get back together or finish, but then you said if we ever broke up you couldn't be friends with me and I can't handle that"

 

My response was that she should not think about it all at once, instead prioritise and do one at a time.

 

What gets me is the FRIENDS comment. I'm not saying I wouldn't speak to her or not be friends because until it happens I can't know for sure. But I dont wanna say, yes, I'll always be your friend because I worry it might influence her decision on our relationship. Any thoughts????....

[mhowe]

You said it at some point...your answer was perfect. Don't focus on that right now...one step.

Because even in an amicable break up...trying to be friends just doesn't work. Eventually the contact just dries up...especially if it is long distance.

 

I would prepare yourself for a break up. She is searching for a soft way to do it and sadly, there isn't one.

[jgman]

You need to stop contacting her and leave her some space.

I know it's hard but that's how it works.

 

No Contact => Heal => Decide if you wanna get back or not.

[Twidom]

Yeah I'd listen to what Mhowe said...Unfortunately it looks like that way

[chitown9]

 

I would prepare yourself for a break up. She is searching for a soft way to do it and sadly, there isn't one.

 

Yeah...it's this. She is trying to break up without breaking up with you, if that makes any sense. Don't try the friends route. That would just be dragging the whole thing out. Not good for either of you. Better to rip the bandage off quickly.

Keep coming back to us. It helps..... chi

[adsmith]

I know I need to prepare for the worst and in a strange way I think I am doin. But to think we could potentially split up because her depression, stress and issues have put a strain on our relationship is just impossible to accept. It hurts to think that she seems more focussed on how my inabilility to be friends if we split up than actually thinking, do I want a relationship or not with him. As if the last 5 years being together means nothing. Jesus my head hurts, and heart

[sharky988]

I agree, her reasons don't ring true and are most likely her way of softening the blow. People can and do work through stress and issues and depression without breaking up -- but they have to *want to* and sadly it seems to me the problem is she no longer wants to. I think that's the true reason for the breakup.

 

She's focusing on friendship because that's the only way she knows she can keep you still in her life. She doesn't want to lose you -- many people try and get their exes to stay friends to avoid having to face that loss. The sooner you can cut her off, the sooner she WILL have to face it and deal with the consequences of her actions.

 

Whatever her intentions may be, keeping you in limbo this way isn't helping you -- it's only helping HER to ease out of the relationship.

[adsmith]

It just doesn't add. I know her better than she knows herself. I know she's very honest, straight to the point, and if she has her mind on something she will do it. So why only a break to have time out of the relationship, why tell me not to have a cheaky one night stand like the Ross, Rachel scenario because she's not thinking of seeing other people, why tell me she really does love and miss me and WHY tell me hopefully it will sort itself out and one day we'll laugh about this. Now you see why I'm hanging on. Aaaaaargh

[sharky988]

You're hanging on to what she's saying to soften the blow.... but you need to look more objectively at what's happening.

 

She's asked for a break, she's easing her way out of this relationship.

 

Even someone who's always been very straight up and honest will lie when it comes time to break up with you. For lots of reasons -- she doesn't want to hurt you by telling you the truth. Also she's scared and wants to keep you there a while longer as an emotional safety net.

 

Basically what she's asking you to do is still be there for her and hold her hand... while she slowly and gradually breaks up with you. No, it doesn't make sense -- and it's actually a very selfish thing to do. And dishonest.

 

But she really *does* love you (like a friend) and *does* miss you (she misses your friendship)..... but the intense in-love romantic feelings she once had for you aren't there anymore, and that's what she's NOT telling you.

[mhowe]

Sharky just hit that one outta the.park!

[adsmith]

It's just so hard to accept. We've always said were together because we want to be, if we didn't we wouldn't be. I could never be like this to her or anyone for that matter. I never thought I'd get this far into a relationship or life and be feeling this way. It's time to look after me now. I know what I want as the outcome and I don't feel that's a selfish way to be. I'll stay strong on my situation and concentrate on what's important, ME. I'm going the gym everyday and really improving my self. Something I've been trying to do for years. I find happiness in working out and seeing I'm doing something positive for myself. If she wants me, she knows where I'm at. Drop the contact and I'll soon see her true feelings for me.

[adsmith]

Wow, what a difference a few days make. I never thought this would happen but I'm seriously thinking about this relationship now. I've started to think that after all these years together if she isn't committed to US and can't get excited and look forward to seeing me when we see so little of eachover then it's not meant to be. But I really don't know how to handle the situation now. My feelings have changed. What do I do?

[adsmith]

Ok. So I could really use some advice. I'm currently in the same situation as before. Still no closer to sorting this all out. I'm going to see her tonight as she wants to "Catch Up" between Xmas and new year. I just don't know how to act when I'm around her now. I saw her maybe 5 weeks ago and was expecting to sort our relationship out. But she said she wasn't ready to make a decision on us yet, I got upset about it and felt pretty stupid. I think it's gonna be the same thing again today. Do I act all upbeat and show I'm getting on with my life after 10 weeks on a break or tell her how she's making my life a misery??

[Ms Darcy]

A break is more often than not a break up. You two seem broken up and you just don't know it or won't acknowledge it.

[silversoul]

Ok. So I could really use some advice. I'm currently in the same situation as before. Still no closer to sorting this all out. I'm going to see her tonight as she wants to "Catch Up" between Xmas and new year. I just don't know how to act when I'm around her now. I saw her maybe 5 weeks ago and was expecting to sort our relationship out. But she said she wasn't ready to make a decision on us yet, I got upset about it and felt pretty stupid. I think it's gonna be the same thing again today. Do I act all upbeat and show I'm getting on with my life after 10 weeks on a break or tell her how she's making my life a misery??

 

So my ex too has a depression and decided to break with me, I was NC and started doing better when he unblocked me and we had a Skype call, we were friendly and everything in the beginning then I just had a second break-down cause I was under so much stress and had a plane in several hours. That pushed him away for good, and I guess that's for the better. She made a decision to break up, I think the contact is likely only to leave you shattered like it happened in my situation. If you still feelings for her, and she appears to be just cold it will be hard. I think you have a right to ask her if you still have a chance and if not, go no contact

[sharky988]

Wow, what a truly awful idea to MEET WITH AN EX TO CATCH UP.

 

I think it's really obvious that she's using you as a safety net..... but I guess you went ahead and met up with her anyway.

[adsmith]

Actually no! The meet up never happened. To my relief!! I really think she's trying to push the whole FRIENDS thing instead of telling me what I deserve to hear, Relationship or Not? So what's my move now. I'm sure as S**T that she's gonna want to meet up again soon. Am I crazy for hanging on?

[mhowe]

Yes...you are crazy for hanging on.

You are not "an option"... or safety net.

Let it go.

[adsmith]

How do I let go after all these years. This relationship has been my life. I've put in so much, hoping that things will get better. What if I walk away from something that could have worked itself out if I'd only given it time?

[mhowe]

Time served means nothing if the other person doesn't want to work at it.

You let go knowing that you learned much about life and love and that love will find you again.