Journaling my "personal growth"

[MattW]

what happened to your resolve? (not necessarily this particular list, but any ACTION list)

 

I dunno. Like I said, I feel like the toxic environment I'm in makes it difficult for me to commit to things, because I can't really focus on this good stuff when all I see every day is the bad stuff that reminds me why I feel the way I do. No matter how I try to push myself to think positively or make positive steps, this stuff always seems to lead to me me "relapsing", and it's all around me constantly.

 

It is a hypothetical question. Let's just consider it for a minute. I promise you, there is method to my madness. How would you deal with that imformation right now? How would you use it? What would you change, if anything?

 

Well, hypothetically speaking, what could I really do with that information? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me any. I'd feel a bit bummed out that I'd be guaranteed another full year of what I've been going through the last 16 months or so, but what else could I do? I feel like as long as I see this girl regularly, I'm going to have an attachment to her, and that attachment is going to cause me to be miserable, because of the hopeless circumstances.

[penelope13]

I dunno. Like I said, I feel like the toxic environment I'm in makes it difficult for me to commit to things, because I can't really focus on this good stuff when all I see every day is the bad stuff that reminds me why I feel the way I do. No matter how I try to push myself to think positively or make positive steps, this stuff always seems to lead to me me "relapsing", and it's all around me constantly.

 

So you decided not to try anything different for now and just use this place to vent and reinforce your negative thinking patterns in the meantime?

 

One day you are going to wake up and be angry with yourself for having wasted a lot of time, but I guess you need to process and do things in your own timing.

 

There was already an incidence where you experienced this: when the first girl came to spend the summer close to you and you were contemplating of asking her out for a date, you didn't because of the driving license thing and you got into a panic about finally getting that license. But you ran out of time since the summer came to an end and the little time left didn't allow for a natural progression towards establishing a rapport with her. [this is NOT about the driving license, it's just an easy example].

 

One of the lessons from this incidence could have been: you want to be PREPARED when new opportunities arise (for friends or romantic interests) and thus instead of postponing wanting to learn something new (practical or emotional) you could start working on this NOW. You don't want to have an opportunity in front of you and panic because you think before you can take advantage of it you need to accomplish abc, but it takes up too much time and the opportunity just vanishes. Such as your work colleagues giving up on inviting you for social events after you turned them down multiple times.

[MattW]

So you decided not to try anything different for now and just use this place to vent and reinforce your negative thinking patterns in the meantime?

 

It's not that I've decided not to try anything different, it's just that every time I make some steps in the right direction, even if they're small, I always just end up falling off the wagon, so to speak, because something around me reminds me of why I feel bad in the first place, and then I let that reminder spiral me out and sink back to where I was before I made any steps in the right direction. It's a cycle I struggle very much with, and I haven't found a way to overcome it. I just keep feeding back into the negatives because I allow the outside world to remind me of the things that make me feel bad all the time.

 

One day you are going to wake up and be angry with yourself for having wasted a lot of time, but I guess you need to process and do things in your own timing.

 

I already am angry with myself, but if anything, that's just making me want to "punish" myself further.

 

There was already an incidence where you experienced this: when the first girl came to spend the summer close to you and you were contemplating of asking her out for a date, you didn't because of the driving license thing and you got into a panic about finally getting that license. But you ran out of time since the summer came to an end and the little time left didn't allow for a natural progression towards establishing a rapport with her. [this is NOT about the driving license, it's just an easy example].

 

One of the lessons from this incidence could have been: you want to be PREPARED when new opportunities arise (for friends or romantic interests) and thus instead of postponing wanting to learn something new (practical or emotional) you could start working on this NOW. You don't want to have an opportunity in front of you and panic because you think before you can take advantage of it you need to accomplish abc, but it takes up too much time and the opportunity just vanishes. Such as your work colleagues giving up on inviting you for social events after you turned them down multiple times.

 

Well, yes, but "prepare myself" in what way for these new opportunities that I may or may not ever find? The driver's license thing was more of an overt, obvious necessity that I had failed to pursue. But what's left now? "Liking myself"? "Having confidence"? How exactly am I supposed to do these things before I start building friendships and dating, and whatnot? I mean, I know one shouldn't base their entire self-esteem on external factors, but I think social acceptance and self acceptance kind of go hand-in-hand. Maybe you shouldn't base your entire self image on what others think of you, but without any kind of external validation at all, it sort of makes it difficult to continue telling yourself that you're a good, likable person.

[MattW]

Ugh. Already feeling sick to my stomach thinking about work tonight. I'm so tired of this feeling, I'm so tired of having to work these shifts... I hate the "knot" in my stomach and the sinking feeling in my chest I feel from all of this. I just want it to end. But then, I also dread what comes after that...

 

I don't think I've talked much about this in this topic, but for a while, I was pushing myself really hard to use online dating sites (as well as casual sex/ hookup sites) to meet people, and I never met anyone that way. On days like this, I always find myself feeling extremely lonely just before work, and I always spend some time browsing through these same sites, not finding anyone I'd really want to meet up with, and then logging off and feeling worse. I actually just got done doing that before I made this post. v_v

 

Another little tidbit I've started thinking about... In about three weeks, my birthday will be coming up, and I'll be 25. I always get kinda mopey this time of the year, because I always spend my birthdays alone, doing nothing. The only exception was last year; I went with some of my coworkers (including the girl I like) to dinner then to a nearby bar to get drinks and have some fun. It was nice, and I had a good time. At the time, I was hoping that meant I wouldn't spend my future birthdays feeling sad and alone anymore. But,, all those coworkers are long gone and I'm not really in contact with any of them anymore, and I can't imagine the girl I like would even consider doing anything with me for my birthday unless I could get a group together. So, it's looking like my 25th birthday will be spent the same as nearly all my other birthdays -- alone, sad, and boring. Blah.

[penelope13]

You need to stop psyching yourself up everyday in anticipation of seeing her. Try this: instead of telling yourself 'this will be bad', try to say 'I have managed to deal with this before, so I will get through this day too'.

 

In regards to your birthday: why not invite all your current coworkers. People might surprise you and actually come. There is the girl, the 'ex' (you could start assigning letters for them and get away from the emotional connotation-derived labels), both of whom have shown understanding for your social challenges and there might be more you are not even aware of because you haven't given them the chance

[MattW]

You need to stop psyching yourself up everyday in anticipation of seeing her. Try this: instead of telling yourself 'this will be bad', try to say 'I have managed to deal with this before, so I will get through this day too'.

 

Fair enough, though I'd hardly call what I've done in the past "managing to deal with it", considering I spend the entire shift trying to figure out ways I can talk to/ spend time with her, while also feeling anxious and jealous of her and the other guy. Then once the shift is over, I feel bummed out that I didn't get as much time with her as I would've liked, and that she spent a bunch of time with that other guy instead. If by "deal with it" you mean that it hasn't killed me, well, okay, fair enough. But even though I've been in this same situation many times, it still stresses me out the entire time I'm there with them.

 

In regards to your birthday: why not invite all your current coworkers. People might surprise you and actually come. There is the girl, the 'ex' (you could start assigning letters for them and get away from the emotional connotation-derived labels), both of whom have shown understanding for your social challenges and there might be more you are not even aware of because you haven't given them the chance

 

The coworkers I have now are mostly made up of older people that don't have much interest in fraternizing with their coworkers outside of work, and some weird young new hires (all of which are not old enough to legally drink, so that would rule out going to a bar, or anything like that) that I'm not close with at all. As for the girl and the guy, to be honest, I just really wouldn't want to have to deal with the stress of seeing them together on my birthday, you know? It's bad enough at work, doing the day-to-day stuff, but if I spend my entire birthday feeling like I'm competing with (and losing to) him for her attention, that's just going to sour my birthday for me. I didn't even invite him last year for that very reason.

[penelope13]

What is more important to you:

 

a) avoiding the guy and sitting at home by yourself feeling miserable because you are not doing anything for your birthday

b) trying to have something different to do on your birthday and potentially increasing your social activities, while having to look at the guy

[bulletproof]

You could volunteer somewhere on your birthday. Sometimes it helps to think about someone else if you're prone to moping/self-pity.

 

I would actually recommend you volunteering on a regular basis, which I think has been suggested to you before as a means to get outside of your own head and not be so self-focused.

[MattW]

I'm... not doing so well right now... Before I go into why, first let me talk about one other thing that happened. So I sucked it up and brought up hanging out to that guy some time, and said yeah, but then we didn't discuss when or where at all. I kinda felt confused.

 

And now the big thing... I had a bit of a bombshell dropped on me. After black Friday, the girl I like is leaving. It hit me like a punch in the gut. I just feel so many different things right now. Sad, anxious, unnerved, those are just a few of them. I'm sort of freaking out internally right now. I mean, I knew it was coming eventually, but I just... I don't want to have to say goodbye to her. I know it will probably make it easier to move on in the long run, but damn it, I just don't want to. I don't want this to be it...

 

I just want to... Ugh. I don't know what I want to do. I wish I could keep her in my life somehow. Part of me wants to ask her out again, take one last shot with her, but that's such a risk. I don't want to piss her off by doing so, and I just don't know how touchy of a subject that would be to her. Ever since I found out, I've been replaying this little fantasy in my head, where I try to approach it in a cutesy little way, say something like "So is there any chance at all I can talk you into one teeny tiny little date?", and try to diffuse the situation afterward by being cute about it.

 

This Sunday is the last shift I'll have with her where it's just her and me, no ex or anyone else to get in the way... Technically, I'll see her on black Friday, but I expect it'll be too hectic to really talk to her at all. God, I just... I wish I could tell her how much I'm going to miss her, how much she means to me, how much I care about her...

 

I just can't settle down right now. I'm almost on the verge of tears, even, but yet, I can't quite cry about it. I just don't want this to be goodbye. I would give anything right about now to stop that from happening.

[penelope13]

Ever since I found out, I've been replaying this little fantasy in my head, where I try to approach it in a cutesy little way, say something like "So is there any chance at all I can talk you into one teeny tiny little date?", and try to diffuse the situation afterward by being cute about it.

 

No, don't do this. She made it quite clear that she doesn't look at you in a romantic way and that if you push too much she will distance herself from you. With her going to a new work place, there may be a chance that you can remain in contact as friends since you said you have some common interests. Don't ruing the potential friendship by asking her out again, since she already decided 'no'.

 

I'm... not doing so well right now... Before I go into why, first let me talk about one other thing that happened. So I sucked it up and brought up hanging out to that guy some time, and said yeah, but then we didn't discuss when or where at all. I kinda felt confused.

 

THAT'S GREAT that you asked him. Good for you! Don't worry that you haven't made details yet. Next time you can simply ask about the when and where. Or you could even suggest that you all go out together for farewell drinks. It may no be a good reason to celebrate from your emotional point of view, but it's a chance to try to establish future contact as friends/ acquaintances as well as having a perfect good excuse to hang out with more people from work

[MattW]

No, don't do this. She made it quite clear that she doesn't look at you in a romantic way and that if you push too much she will distance herself from you. With her going to a new work place, there may be a chance that you can remain in contact as friends since you said you have some common interests. Don't ruing the potential friendship by asking her out again, since she already decided 'no'.

 

No, I know. But I don't see any chance for us to remain in contact as friends. I pretty much have one actual shift with her left, and once she's gone, that's it. How can I remain in contact with someone when there's so little time for any kind of friendship to happen? I can say and do nothing (I know I should do nothing) between now and the time she leaves, and then she's gone, there's no "remaining in contact" at this point.

 

I know I'm not thinking rationally right now, and I can't say that any of my ideas are good, I just feel like my heart is going to explode. I just wish things could be different, I wish there was something I could do between now and then that would change things and stop this from being goodbye. I can't believe there's so little time left. After Sunday, that's pretty much going to be it. Why can't there be some other way?

[penelope13]

Listen, there is no point in wondering why she is leaving now. For more than a year you said 'she will be leaving soon', so this is not out of the blue.

 

All you need to do is say to her that you would love to stay in touch via facebook (or something) since you enjoyed talking to her about ...

 

based on the things you said about her (what she actually said/did, not your fantasies) she was very aware of who you are, she knew your feelings and yet she didn't cut you out of her life entirely (as long as you respected some boundaries) so you have nothing to lose by asking her to stay in touch via some social media

[MattW]

Heh, if she weren't so anti-"social media", that *might* work.

[penelope13]

JUST ASK HER - you have NOTHING to lose by asking

[MattW]

Okay, but... then what? Like I said, she doesn't do the social media thing, nor does she seem like much of an "e-mail" kind of person from what I gather. We technically have each other's phone numbers already, due to work, but we never text or call each other, and the only time I texted her was for something work-related, and she apparently didn't even have my number saved in her phone to even know it was me. What others means does that leave?

 

And even if we find some way to keep in contact, then what? I'm not a good judge of how to properly keep in contact with someone. I'd most likely be too self-conscious to ever contact her, and she probably wouldn't make much of an effort to initiate contact with me. So it kinda seems like it wouldn't matter a whole lot.

[penelope13]

then use this as an opportunity to learn easy conversation via whatever means she is willing to share. I thought you both enjoyed joking with each other?

[MattW]

Well, yeah, but things have been a bit... unclear for a while now. We sort of "peaked" in that regard before I asked her out, then it started slipping, before taking a complete nosedive when she started dating someone else.

 

When she started dating that other guy, that's when she had that conversation with me about backing off, and during said conversation, I presented the idea of us being better friends outside of work (I didn't know she was dating someone when I asked her this). She told me she thought that would be weird, and after that point, we kind of stopped talking, and it was pretty uncomfortable.

 

After she split with that guy, she started warming back up to me slightly, and we've kind of gotten back to being somewhat playful over the last few months, but still nowhere near our peak. There's still been some... awkwardness, and I get the feeling there's still something on her end putting distance between us.

 

And therein lies the problem. I don't really know what the boundaries are with her anymore. I've been trying to figure that out for a while now, but I just don't know. I don't know if she just didn't want to be friends with me back then because she was seeing someone, or if she's just so bothered by me having feelings for her that she won't consider it period.

 

But even if I knew how to approach her about staying in touch, and even if she were willing to do that with me, that's not going to be conducive to me getting over my feelings for her (and being jealous of other people she may date). With the boundaries being a bit unclear to me, that's going to make it difficult to not feel anxious and upset while staying in contact with her.

[blueidealist24]

Maybe if you start hanging out with that guy, you'll naturally run into her somewhere..

[MattW]

I was hoping I'd feel a little better after I slept in this, but I barely got any sleep, and honestly, I don't feel like getting out of bed at all. My heart still feels like it's going to pop at any second, and I feel like I wish I could just crawl in a hole and never come out. God, this just... sucks so much. What I wouldn't give...

 

Maybe if you start hanging out with that guy, you'll naturally run into her somewhere..

 

Honestly, I'm starting to believe they don't spend as much time together outside of work as I feared that they had. Actually, the other day when he was talking to me about hanging out, he was under the impression I was hanging out with her outside of work regularly. Don't know where he got that notion from.

[MattW]

I'm pretty sure this is going to cause me to completely shut down my emotions and become a "robot" again, once she's gone. I just can't deal with this. I hate myself for being so "weak" about this, but I've never felt so devastated about someone exiting my life before.

 

Edit:

 

Damn it, immediately after I wrote this, I just broke down. I just... cried. Hard. Ugh. Why am I so pathetic? Why do I feel so strongly about this girl? Why can't I just let go and move on? Why did she have to end up being do special to me? Why am I so emotional over her, more than I've ever been over anyone? I'm already fighting back more tears... This isn't out of my system, by a long shot, and I don't think it will be for some time.

[penelope13]

I'm pretty sure this is going to cause me to completely shut down my emotions and become a "robot" again, once she's gone. I just can't deal with this. I hate myself for being so "weak" about this, but I've never felt so devastated about someone exiting my life before.

 

Crying is not such a bad thing to release pent up emotions.

 

However, instead of anticipating that you will just become a robot - why not try to make a conscious choice to fight this? - It's not going to be easy, but instead of giving in you can try to do this to counteract this: be more social or active than you normally would. Take up those walks your psychologists suggested. You shouldn't want to allow yourself to become physically, mentally and emotionally immobile by just spending all your time off in your room by yourself.

[MattW]

However, instead of anticipating that you will just become a robot - why not try to make a conscious choice to fight this?

 

It just hurts too much, and no matter what, I always end up succumbing to the pain. I've never been able to "redirect" negative energy into something positive. I just wallow in it, and with something like this, that's just going to be too much for me to take. It's going to break me.

[penelope13]

Ok, if you don't think you can try something like 'thought stopping' (please google it nevertheless!!!!) - why don't you print out in big letters:

 

"I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME" and hang it over your bed and computer.

 

At least your visual receptors will pick up the message and maybe it will help not to allow you to wallow as much.

 

Please give it a try. This will not take up more than a few minutes of your day to put into action!

[MattW]

Ok, if you don't think you can try something like 'thought stopping' (please google it nevertheless!!!!) - why don't you print out in big letters:

 

"I WILL NOT LET THIS DEFEAT ME" and hang it over your bed and computer.

 

At least your visual receptors will pick up the message and maybe it will help not to allow you to wallow as much.

 

Please give it a try. This will not take up more than a few minutes of your day to put into action!

 

Fair enough, though I feel like my mind and my emotions are a bit too "stubborn" for this to work.

 

Anyway, still feeling super bummed out. Even though I knew this was going to happen some day, I don't think I was ever going to really be "prepared" for it. It's such a crappy feeling to lose someone from your life that you have a good connection with, especially when you're in such short supply of people like that. I've "lost" a number of good people over the years, and that always made me kinda sad, but this is even harder than that. I really hoped that this would be the time I'd break that "cycle" of losing people. I really wanted her to be that person so bad.

 

Meanwhile, my day today took an odd little turn, when that guy texted me, and we had a pretty lengthy discussion via text throughout the day. He kinda started off by talking about how once this injury he has heals, I should start going to the gym with him regularly. Now, I really don't want to work out, and I REALLY don't want to go to a gym. But I'm trying to be somewhat more open-minded, and I do understand that it has its benefits. I didn't commit to anything with him for that, but I didn't reject it.

 

I had made a comment about my problems being more "mental" than "physical", and he started talking about how he can help me with that, too, and that I can trust him, and he was kinda going back to the whole me not liking him thing, and I was trying to explain to him that that wasn't necessarily the case, though I was having some trouble explaining why, at which point he sort of "called me out" and said he knew I was jealous of him and the girl.

 

I admitted it, and he talked to me about what the nature of their "relationship" was, and how they weren't "together" now, but that they had become good friends (at work only) again after she split from her last boyfriend (it's too bad I couldn't have known this sooner; would've saved me a lot of stress over the last few months). I told him that I didn't actually think they were "together" again, but I explained how she and I had a nice little connection before I asked her out, and how that went away afterwards, and that I was more jealous that she and him had rekindled their friendship more so than she and I did.

 

He talked a little bit about meeting more girls, and whatnot, and much like I've said to you guys here, I told him how I've met a decent amount of girls over the last number of years, but I explained to him that it's extremely rare for me to find a girl I want to date because the things I find attractive are so specific. He said something to the effect of it being the matter of meeting the "right one". I didn't really want to get into that kind of discussion with him.

 

He jumped back to the girl at work, and brought up one of the main reasons she had put some distance between herself and me. I was already aware of it, and she and I talked about it (and I apologized to her for it) a long time ago. I said something to him about how I always manage to find a way to screw up a good thing with someone. He told me that she and him had talked about me and the aforementioned reason, a while back, and he claims he sort of "had my back"; he says that she doesn't hate me at all or think I'm a bad person.

 

I responded by saying that maybe she doesn't "hate" me, but it still bummed me out that things never properly bounced back between me and her, and how now it's too late for that to happen. He replied that "it's never too late", and I, not knowing whether he knows if she's leaving soon yet, laid it out that she's gone after next week, which doesn't really give any time for anything. He suggested that I seek some kind of closure with her before she leaves, and I didn't really know what that would be, and mentioned that I just wish it didn't have to be goodbye. He said that it couldn't hurt to see if she'd want to keep in touch, and I sort of just said "Yeah, maybe", and that's pretty much where the conversation ended.

 

So, that was a bit of an interesting discussion.

 

Still feel bummed out, and all I keep thinking about this Sunday; wondering if I'll have the chance to make my last day with her memorable, wondering if I'll have any opportunities to talk to her about staying in touch, wondering what I'd actually say if I had such opportunity... Wishing I could tell her how much I'm going to miss her, wishing I could tell her so many things... *sigh*

[penelope13]

I hope that during all this "oh this is the last time I'm going to see her" obsessing - you start to realize that there is a HUGE potential that this guy may turn into a real friend outside work!!!!!