Journaling my "personal growth"

[Deciduous]

I wasn't attached to any outcomes, I wasn't basing self-esteem on anything

 

Anyway, I don't really get the whole "confidence" thing. People always describe confidence as doing this, having that, etc., yet it always seems like I'm always "missing" a piece to that puzzle somewhere. I was uncaring for several years about anything, yet that still apparently didn't make me "confident". I was happy and cheerful and personable, and yet that still didn't make me "confident". I just don't understand it. Why am I never it?

 

But, Matt,

 

you didn't have have any self-esteem. Do you see why it's a problem in of itself. When I said this guy's self esteem wasn't based on a "Yes" or a "No" I meant he possessed self-esteem, that was independent of external validation.

 

That is very different to your situation. Not liking ones self is hardly a recipe to having others like us.

 

Are you getting it now?

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

Yeah... I dunno. Part of me wants to, but part of me just can't get over the jealousy and resentment I feel towards him over the girl I like. It's just so intense that I'm not sure I can ignore it. I don't really know how to deal with that.

 

Anyway, I have no plans to bring up his offer again to him. If he brings it up again, I'll consider it, but I doubt he will, he'll probably have forgotten about it by the next time I see him, so...

 

And an opportunity is shut down by you.

 

You are doing choosing. I doubt he was suggesting, just the two of you. It would have been a group with social contacts and possibilites.

 

I understand your reasons, but you must also understand, you are making a choice to reject the opportunity that was casually laid at your feet.

 

Do you see how you are shaping your life by the choices you make? Isn't this precisely the choice you've made in the past that has left you lonely and feeling isolated?

 

Heck, when I started pursuing the girl I liked last year, I don't think I was "desperate" or "obsessive" until after she told me no. Up to that point, I was pretty much at my peak for being warm, personable, and charming, but not overbearing.

 

Which is precisely why the friendship previously flourished. It then faltered as soon as you became dependant on her validation, after you'd asked her out.

 

Are you making the connection, now?

 

Deci

[penelope13]

I think the past few posts have given multiple examples that the image your are trying to project and that people have of you is quite different.

 

Sure, but to be fair, I've only been all "desperate and obsessive" for the last 15 or so months. Prior to that, I was completely uncaring and disconnected about anything, for a number of years. I wasn't attached to any outcomes, I wasn't basing self-esteem on anything, I was just letting life take me wherever without giving any kind of thought to it. And yet, during this time, I never had any opportunities or any luck at making friends, attracting a woman, etc.

 

Is that really true?

 

You have said that you rejected invitations (prior to being interested in the girl) for socializing because you didn't want people to know that you didn't have a driver's license. - That is NOT not caring, that is you trying to control the image people have of you. That is a very deliberate choice of what you want to reveal and what you don't want to reveal - because you CARE what people think of you.

 

You talked plenty of times about your preference of wanting to know things, people, situations etc in advance before you expose yourself, because you want to 'plan' your own behavior in advance. -All of that simply indicates that it's important to you to control what you do, what you reveal, what you share with other people.

 

 

One thing is for sure: the people around you are way more perceptive than you want to credit them for.

 

You said you have been extra snarky and mean to this guy (under the guise of joking), however, if you joke with him in a more extreme way than with other people, especially if you never hang out with this person outside work - people will see the difference in your treatment.

 

Look, I get why you may be jealous and why you villainize him in your internal narrative. However, this guy seems to show you a lot of human care and interest, despite your obvious aversion towards him. You should take him up on his offer and see this as an enormous opportunity for personal growth for you.

[MattW]

you didn't have have any self-esteem. Do you see why it's a problem in of itself. When I said this guy's self esteem wasn't based on a "Yes" or a "No" I meant he possessed self-esteem, that was independent of external validation.

 

That is very different to your situation. Not liking ones self is hardly a recipe to having others like us.

 

Are you getting it now?

 

Honestly? No, I still really don't get it. I mean, I know I have issues with how I view myself, but for those several years, I shut down everything. I didn't care about anything at all, I didn't care about how I viewed myself. To be honest, the way I viewed myself was the REASON I put myself in this state to begin with, because to me, the only way to stop feeling bad about myself was to stop feeling anything at all. So that's what I did. I felt nothing. I didn't feel contempt and hatred and bitterness and sadness, but it came at the cost of also not experiencing joy and happiness and pleasure.

 

The feelings I had developed for this girl helped to bring me out of that state. At first, I was scared to come out of it, because I didn't know if I had gotten "better" or not. But when I came out of it, all I could feel were good things. All I could feel was joy and bliss and happiness, and it felt good, I felt like I had "recovered" and that I was better. It was the events that unfolded afterwards, though, that reminded me of why I put myself in that "uncaring" state to begin with, and I've since lost sight of all the good feelings I had when I came out of it.

 

Regardless of all of this, though, what exactly am I supposed to do? I really don't know if I can ever "love" myself (or even "like" myself). But they always say "Fake it til you make it", and that's kind of the idea that I try to live by. When I'm out with people, I do my best to consciously bury that stuff deep down and try to come off as a good guy that people would want to be around. Clearly I'm not quite doing it right, but I guess that's a whole other discussion.

 

And an opportunity is shut down by you.

 

You are doing choosing. I doubt he was suggesting, just the two of you. It would have been a group with social contacts and possibilites.

 

I understand your reasons, but you must also understand, you are making a choice to reject the opportunity that was casually laid at your feet.

 

Do you see how you are shaping your life by the choices you make? Isn't this precisely the choice you've made in the past that has left you lonely and feeling isolated?

 

Well, let me ask you then, what do you suggest I do about this guy? I really have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I don't want to "shut down" an opportunity, but how am I supposed to deal with the jealousy and resentment I feel towards him over a girl?

 

Which is precisely why the friendship previously flourished. It then faltered as soon as you became dependant on her validation, after you'd asked her out.

 

Are you making the connection, now?

 

What I'm getting at, though, is that she couldn't necessarily have anticipated that I'd take the rejection as hard as I did. In other words, it's not like her rejection was based on "I don't want to go out with you, because you'll take it badly if I say no". Obviously, my emotional response to everything that followed is what strained our potential friendship in the long run, but I don't really see how that could've been a factor in her deciding whether or not she wanted to date me, because she wouldn't have known how I'd react until after she'd already said no.

[penelope13]

What I'm getting at, though, is that she couldn't necessarily have anticipated that I'd take the rejection as hard as I did. In other words, it's not like her rejection was based on "I don't want to go out with you, because you'll take it badly if I say no".

 

She most likely rejected you because you demonstrated that you are not interested/afraid of physical contact/closeness, that you are not comfortable with sexual innuendos, conversations etc, i.e basic ingredients for most romantic relationships.

[BrianH46]

I've always kinda rejected his offers to hang out in the past (most of them were before I had my driver's license, and I didn't want anyone to know about it)

 

You obviously care about how others view you, I believe you care a lot and it inhibits your growth as a person. I believe the only reason you pursued this girl in the beginning and even why you were attracted to her in the first place is because you perceived very little risk in asking her out. You said it took a year and several months for you to start even finding her attractive and that she kept initiating interactions, not you. She did all he work to develop a work friendship and I think you misunderstood it for attraction, after you were sure she was attracted and the work/risk was done, you asked her out.

 

Through your posts you keep reiterating that you are a logical person, to me you are a cost/benefit driven person. The only problem is, to you most things' "costs" outweigh the "benefit". This is the mindset that you need to change.

[MattW]

Is that really true?

 

You have said that you rejected invitations (prior to being interested in the girl) for socializing because you didn't want people to know that you didn't have a driver's license. - That is NOT not caring, that is you trying to control the image people have of you. That is a very deliberate choice of what you want to reveal and what you don't want to reveal - because you CARE what people think of you.

 

The license thing sort of became an automated response, though. I was embarrassed about it before I went into "uncaring" mode, and it just became an automatic deflection that happened to carry on through when I stopped caring about everything. And since I "didn't care", I simply didn't care enough to explain it to anyone else or give anyone else proper reasoning for turning down their invitations.

 

You talked plenty of times about your preference of wanting to know things, people, situations etc in advance before you expose yourself, because you want to 'plan' your own behavior in advance. -All of that simply indicates that it's important to you to control what you do, what you reveal, what you share with other people.

 

I have said that, yes. For me, though, that's more about finding a "base line" acceptable level at which I can interact with any given person without offending them or rubbing them the wrong way.

 

One thing is for sure: the people around you are way more perceptive than you want to credit them for.

 

You said you have been extra snarky and mean to this guy (under the guise of joking), however, if you joke with him in a more extreme way than with other people, especially if you never hang out with this person outside work - people will see the difference in your treatment.

 

Look, I get why you may be jealous and why you villainize him in your internal narrative. However, this guy seems to show you a lot of human care and interest, despite your obvious aversion towards him. You should take him up on his offer and see this as an enormous opportunity for personal growth for you.

 

Well, again, I've never really tried to keep it a secret from anyone that I wasn't a fan of this guy. Like I said, the negativity towards him has always been intentional. If people see the difference in the way I treat him compared to the way I treat them, shouldn't that be a bigger clue to them that I like and respect them more than I do this guy?

 

I'm not against the idea of maybe trying to spend time with him, but again, I just don't know how to get past the jealousy and resentment I have towards him over this girl.

 

She most likely rejected you because you demonstrated that you are not interested/afraid of physical contact/closeness, that you are not comfortable with sexual innuendos, conversations etc, i.e basic ingredients for most romantic relationships.

 

I suppose, though I really can't recall any instances where she could derive this idea from. I find that a lot of people tend to just assume this about me, without my having much opportunity to actually demonstrate otherwise. I mean, how am I supposed to show people that I'm okay/ comfortable with this stuff, especially when I'm not really seeing any opportunities to demonstrate it?

[Weeblie]

This guy that's been trying to hang out with you, is he the same guy that cheated on the girl you like?

[Deciduous]

Honestly? No, I still really don't get it. I mean, I know I have issues with how I view myself, but for those several years, I shut down everything. I didn't care about anything at all, I didn't care about how I viewed myself. To be honest, the way I viewed myself was the REASON I put myself in this state to begin with, because to me, the only way to stop feeling bad about myself was to stop feeling anything at all. So that's what I did. I felt nothing. I didn't feel contempt and hatred and bitterness and sadness, but it came at the cost of also not experiencing joy and happiness and pleasure.

 

Oh dear, Matt,

 

The paragraph above is some perculiar double-speak that I'm not going to ponder.

 

You clain not to see how low self-esteem can stop a person from successfully interacting with others. I'm afraid that's untrue. You know, only too well. In fact I'm quite sure you could write a very accurate essay on the subject, better than most psychiatrists.

 

We have been getting into smoke and mirrors over the last two days and I wonder what lies at the root.

 

Earlier you claimed not to understand/believe the link between your subconscious - conscious thoughts - and outward behaviour Again, not true. You know only too well. You have legions of practical evidence.

 

You also claimed not to understand/believe the link between your subconscious and non-verbal communication. Again not remotely true.

Again, I don't doubt you could write a detailed paper on it that would impress the psychiatric community.

 

Over the last few days - It's been like watching a person repeatedly hurl themselves down a lift shift to prove gravity doesn't exist. And despite the broken bones and unarguable evidence, they keep insisting that gravity is a fallacy.

 

And I wonder why? I wonder what the pay-off is here, because there is one. You are getting something from this denial. The denial blocks some thought that you don't want to grapple with.

 

Matt you are the poster boy for the link between the Subconscious thought - Conscious Thought - conscious Behaviour - Non Verbal Communication.

 

But there is something about these notions that scares you. So they must be denied in the face of overwhelming evidence. What feelings and thoughts come up when you realise that it is true. What thoughts and feelings come up when you think about the impact it has had on your life.

 

You are frightened of something and I wonder what it is?

 

What is the fear here?

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

I really don't know, to be honest. I'm trying to think back and find some kind of root to this issue, but I'm not seeing anything. I mean, my parents were never strict about the topic of sex (more open about it than a lot of other parents probably would be, I'd say), so it's not like they tried to repress me. I did go to Catholic grade school and high school, and they of course kinda preached the whole "sex is for marriage", but I honestly never paid much attention to that kind of thing to let it affect me. Other than that, I don't know where these notions would've come from.

 

So what were you taught in school, about sex and relationships? How did they tackle the subject? What did sex education consist of? What was the school's over-riding teachings and views.

[MattW]

This guy that's been trying to hang out with you, is he the same guy that cheated on the girl you like?

 

Yes. He's not the more recent ex (that other guy hasn't worked with us in about a year), but he's the first guy we work with that she dated on got cheated on by; he and her have been super chummy ever since she split with that last guy.

 

You clain not to see how low self-esteem can stop a person from successfully interacting with others. I'm afraid that's untrue. You know, only too well. In fact I'm quite sure you could write a very accurate essay on the subject, better than most psychiatrists.

 

You also claimed not to understand/believe the link between your subconscious and non-verbal communication. Again not remotely true.

Again, I don't doubt you could write a detailed paper on it that would impress the psychiatric community.

 

It's just something I'm kind of having trouble sorting out properly. I guess what I'm really wondering is, is it really not possible to make progress in building friendships and dating before my self-esteem is "better"? Do I really have to wait until all of that is sorted out before I can start making progress with people? It could take me years to get my self-esteem to an "acceptable" state. I don't want to have to wait that long.

 

But there is something about these notions that scares you. So they must be denied in the face of overwhelming evidence. What feelings and thoughts come up when you realise that it is true. What thoughts and feelings come up when you think about the impact it has had on your life.

 

You are frightened of something and I wonder what it is?

 

What is the fear here?

 

I really don't know just yet. I mean, like I said, I'm not necessarily trying to deny the links, I just want to start making progress now, rather than having to wait however long it takes me to build up some semblance of self-esteem.

 

So what were you taught in school, about sex and relationships? How did they tackle the subject? What did sex education consist of? What was the school's over-riding teachings and views.

 

Honestly, I barely remember. I mean, I remember them teaching the actual biology of it, but like I said, I sort of tuned out all the overly preachy stuff, it kind of just went in one ear and right out the other. I can't say I really remember much in the way of very strict teachings about sex being only for marriage, or anything like that. I think a lot of those ideas were more implied than specifically stated. The only thing that even kinda pops in my mind when you ask this question is that I remember one teacher in high school who stressed that even when you take every single precaution, there's still a very real possibility to get a girl pregnant or contract an STD.

 

Now that I'm really thinking about it, I think my high school tormentors did more damage to me in this area than anything I actually learned in school. Kinda digging up more old memories again, but here it goes... So, I have gynecomastia (which basically means I have breasts similar to those of a female, which is embarrassing on its own), and also through my teens, I struggled with pretty severe chest acne (which has left my skin covered in marks and blemishes). Back then, said tormentors had noticed both of these things, and constantly harped on me about them, and made me feel extremely self-conscious about my body. They taunted me about how weird looking I am. They constantly pounded it in my head that "no girl will ever want to sleep with" me (as well as the previously "next 40-year old virgin" joke). A few of them had girlfriends for a time, and they even got their girlfriends to poke fun at me and make me feel bad about stuff. Once, when we were seniors, there was this sophomore girl they knew (I didn't know her at all), and one day when we were all together, they randomly asked her if she would sleep with me, and she literally looked me up and down and immediately laughed. That's just some of the stuff I remember. They were especially fascinated (in a very negative, harassing way) by my gynecomastia.

[Deciduous]

It's just something I'm kind of having trouble sorting out properly. I guess what I'm really wondering is, is it really not possible to make progress in building friendships and dating before my self-esteem is "better"? Do I really have to wait until all of that is sorted out before I can start making progress with people? It could take me years to get my self-esteem to an "acceptable" state. I don't want to have to wait that long.

 

You tell me, Matt. Like I said, you were given the slither of an opportunity of social interaction, which may have led to other contacts. You turned it down. You made the decision. So you tell me.

 

There are no hard and fast rules against working on your self-esteem and trying to build a social life. In in fact it is probably impossible to build social confidence without social interaction.

 

Now that I'm really thinking about it, I think my high school tormentors did more damage to me in this area than anything I actually learned in school. Kinda digging up more old memories again, but here it goes... So, I have gynecomastia (which basically means I have breasts similar to those of a female, which is embarrassing on its own), and also through my teens, I struggled with pretty severe chest acne (which has left my skin covered in marks and blemishes). Back then, said tormentors had noticed both of these things, and constantly harped on me about them, and made me feel extremely self-conscious about my body. They taunted me about how weird looking I am. They constantly pounded it in my head that "no girl will ever want to sleep with" me (as well as the previously "next 40-year old virgin" joke). A few of them had girlfriends for a time, and they even got their girlfriends to poke fun at me and make me feel bad about stuff. Once, when we were seniors, there was this sophomore girl they knew (I didn't know her at all), and one day when we were all together, they randomly asked her if she would sleep with me, and she literally looked me up and down and immediately laughed. That's just some of the stuff I remember. They were especially fascinated (in a very negative, harassing way) by my gynecomastia.

 

I truly am sorry to hear that, matt. It sounds really painful to have put up with.

 

It's strange. You have a problem with therapists "curing" you, but you must see through this thread, that you are doing this yourself. Nobody is "healing" you. You are merely being prodded in the right direction and making fantastic progress by working out your own internal state.

 

Well it is a brilliant analysis.

 

This is all you. That is on you.

 

I can understand why you would feel shy about sharing your body with another. You've been made to feel that it is unacceptable to women. This would explain why you have subconsciously prohibited sexual interaction.

 

You don't want to face what you went through at school - and have come to subconsciously believe. I'm sure you've now worked this out for yourself.

 

Deci

[Deciduous]

I really don't know just yet. I mean, like I said, I'm not necessarily trying to deny the links, I just want to start making progress now, rather than having to wait however long it takes me to build up some semblance of self-esteem.

 

I think, what you are saying is, if you accept those links, (between the Subconscious thought - Conscious Thought - conscious Behaviour - Non Verbal Communication) you fear that the problem is even bigger and more unmanageable that you have previously imagined.

 

Am I understanding correctly?

 

Deci

[MattW]

I think, what you are saying is, if you accept those links, (between the Subconscious thought - Conscious Thought - conscious Behaviour - Non Verbal Communication) you fear that the problem is even bigger and more unmanageable that you have previously imagined.

 

Am I understanding correctly?

 

I suppose you could say that. Basically, I know there's no "quick fixes" for this stuff, but I just don't want to have to wait months or years in order to start having a social life, to date, to find love, etc.

 

Like I said, you were given the slither of an opportunity of social interaction, which may have led to other contacts. You turned it down. You made the decision.

 

There are no hard and fast rules against working on your self-esteem and trying to build a social life. In in fact it is probably impossible to build social confidence without social interaction.

 

Well, technically there was no formal "offer" nor was there a formal "rejection". It was more just an idea he mentioned in passing. Actually, the discussion was kinda cut there anyway, because I got paged to go take care of something elsewhere in the store.

 

All I can really do is see if he remembers and brings it up again to me. Like I said, that probably won't happen, and he's most likely already forgotten.

 

But that still doesn't answer the question -- if I try to socialize with this guy, how do I deal with the resentment and jealousy I feel towards him?

 

I can understand why you would feel shy about sharing your body with another. You've been made to feel that it is unacceptable to women. This would explain why you have subconsciously prohibited sexual interaction.

 

You don't want to face what you went through at school - and have come to subconsciously believe. I'm sure you've now worked this out for yourself.

 

Yeah... But what am I supposed to do with this information now?

[Deciduous]

Yeah... But what am I supposed to do with this information now?

 

As long as you believed that your lack of a sex life was due to outside rejection from the world, you were put in a very helpless position. You had given away your power. After all, you couldn't hope to change the whole world.

 

Now you realise that these views are coming from you, you are back in the driving seat. You can begin to analyse and change your self-image, by whatever method you choose, whether through flattering clothes, diet, weights, therapy or internal acceptance.

 

This is a powerful position to be in.

 

Deci

[penelope13]

Is it possible that you are actively trying to dissuade yourself as well as others (such as posters here) that whatever issues you are facing you have utter control over and could choose to do something about in order for you not to have to admit to yourself that you have wasted precious time for not having started the process earlier?

[Deciduous]

Well, technically there was no formal "offer" nor was there a formal "rejection". It was more just an idea he mentioned in passing. Actually, the discussion was kinda cut there anyway, because I got paged to go take care of something elsewhere in the store.

 

All I can really do is see if he remembers and brings it up again to me. Like I said, that probably won't happen, and he's most likely already forgotten.

 

I see. So it's up to him to keep asking you - and being told no? You have no say in the matter?

 

But that still doesn't answer the question -- if I try to socialize with this guy, how do I deal with the resentment and jealousy I feel towards him?

 

Have you thought about confronting these feelings. I'm not asking you to bury your resentment and jealousy. That wouldn't be healthy either. I'm saying instead of brooding in a lonely corner, you might take advantage of the situation.

 

Have you ever thought the guy you are jealous of, probably has a thing or two, to teach you about confidence. Sure, he might be a bit sleazy (I don't agree with all his methods) but isn't it time you started meeting confident people - or any people for that matter.

 

In any case I am not here to convince you to go for a drink with him. This is your personal choice. What I do want you to do, is observe your choices. Be aware of them. I want you to start stepping back, and understanding what these choices mean - and how they impact your life.

 

Continue to make the links.

 

It's not one tiny choice that impacts. It's the fact you keep making similar choices which affects your life to a massive degree.

 

The fact you want to wait to see if this guy asks again, indicates you take a very passive role in directing your social life. This is another choice which affects your life greatly.

 

But, I think, this goes back to your level of self-esteem.

 

Because you don't like yourself, you are subconsciously relectant to push your company on other people. Which rather neatly answers your question below.

 

It's just something I'm kind of having trouble sorting out properly. I guess what I'm really wondering is, is it really not possible to make progress in building friendships and dating before my self-esteem is "better"? Do I really have to wait until all of that is sorted out before I can start making progress with people? It could take me years to get my self-esteem to an "acceptable" state. I don't want to have to wait that long.

 

Do you see how it is you controlling the situation?

 

Deci

[MattW]

As long as you believed that your lack of a sex life was due to outside rejection from the world, you were put in a very helpless position. You had given away your power. After all, you couldn't hope to change the whole world.

 

Now you realise that these views are coming from you, you are back in the driving seat. You can begin to analyse and change your self-image, by whatever method you choose, whether through flattering clothes, diet, weights, therapy or internal acceptance.

 

This is a powerful position to be in.

 

I suppose. I'm not quite sure I feel like I'm "in the driving seat" with this just yet, but I guess I am starting to understand the origins of some of this stuff.

 

I've kinda spent the last few years trying to adjust my image a bit. When I was younger, I used to wear bigger size clothes, to sort of "hide" my body as best I could, but looking back at old photos, doing that just made me look pudgy and frumpy. For the last few years, I've been buying clothes that fit me better, even if it exposes my "shape" a little more. To be honest, it's really my upper body that I'm personally "ashamed" of, and unfortunately, I don't believe dieting or exercising will have any kind of significant effect on my condition; there's a corrective surgery, but it costs a good bit of money and isn't generally covered by insurance.

 

I think beyond my actual looks, my experiences in high school just really firmly planted in my head the idea that women have an aversion to me and as such, it would be more or less "disrespectful" of me to express any kind of physical affection, intimacy, etc. to them. It was bad enough that the guys in question had to pound that in my head, but the fact that they got some girls to join in and put me down as well just kinda reaffirmed that notion.

 

I'm not quite sure how I can get over that mental hurdle. I know where the problem comes from, at least to an extent, but the message behind it still resonates with me quite a bit. And the fact that people still "exclude" me from this kind of thing to this day (again, often times seemingly making that assumption about me before I've even had any opportunities to prove otherwise) kinda reaffirms it to me further.

 

Is it possible that you are actively trying to dissuade yourself as well as others (such as posters here) that whatever issues you are facing you have utter control over and could choose to do something about in order for you not to have to admit to yourself that you have wasted precious time for not having started the process earlier?

 

Your wording has me slightly confused, but I *think* I get what you're saying, and I suppose that's a possibility.

 

I see. So it's up to him to keep asking you - and being told no? You have no say in the matter?

 

Well... No, I guess not, I just don't really know how to go about setting things up with people. I've tried plenty of times over the past year or so to plan things with people, and all I ever got were vague "blow off" type answers like "We'll see", "I'll let you know", etc., and I also often feel like I'm bothering or pestering people (whether that's true or just in my head, I don't know). Every time I've tried to get people together to go do something, it never works out. The only times I've went out with people are when they invited me first. I guess on some level, I've sort of hit a point where I feel like that's the only way it works for me, is if someone else invites me. When I try to make the effort, it's always a no-go.

 

Have you thought about confronting these feelings. I'm not asking you to bury your resentment and jealousy. That wouldn't be healthy either. I'm saying instead of brooding in a lonely corner, you might take advantage of the situation.

 

How do you mean? "Confront these feelings" how?

 

The fact you want to wait to see if this guy asks again, indicates you take a very passive role in directing your social life. This is another choice which affects your life greatly.

 

That's... true. Generally, I'm a pretty passive person. In general, I don't know what's what, so I kind of hate having to make decisions. In social situations, I tend to prefer to have someone else set everything up, so that I can just be along for the ride. I'm not the kind of person that can really plan out fun activities for a group of two or more people; heck, I can satiate myself just by sitting at home playing a video game or watching Netflix. In a way, that sort of plays into why I don't feel comfortable going out to "explore" my city alone. I would just feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, and I tend to not be able to think straight and focus on things when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

 

Because you don't like yourself, you are subconsciously relectant to push your company on other people.

 

Do you see how it is you controlling the situation?

 

I suppose I can see the "link", yes. I still find myself wondering how, exactly, I can start making progress in the near future instead of having to wait a long time until my self-esteem issues are completely resolved first, though.

[MattW]

Kind of dreading tomorrow, as I'll be spending about five hours at work with the girl and her ex. Blah. I wish I could find a way to get through these days, already. v_v

[Deciduous]

Kind of dreading tomorrow, as I'll be spending about five hours at work with the girl and her ex. Blah. I wish I could find a way to get through these days, already. v_v

 

Matt,

Hypothetical Question

 

If some-one could look into their magical crystal ball and told you, you would still be in this position on 19 Nov 2014 - in love with this girl and watching her fall in love and date other guys - what would say to that? (This hypothetical prediction would be based on your current trajectory, actions and thoughts, etc - so would obviously be open to change)

 

How would you deal with that imformation right now? How would you use it? What would you change, if anything?

 

Deci

[MattW]

Well, I expect it's only a matter of months until she finds a new job and leaves, but I imagine even when she's gone, I'm probably going to miss her and think about her for a while, so...

 

I dunno. I really don't know if I can get over her.

[penelope13]

You thought the same about the previous girl. Yet you got over her and fell in love even stronger with a new girl

[MattW]

You thought the same about the previous girl. Yet you got over her and fell in love even stronger with a new girl

 

I guess, though I still think that was different. Besides, that was years ago; I hate to think it's going to take that long again. Not to mention, with this last girl, I was the best I could possibly be, and I still couldn't get her. Why should I think it could actually happen "next time"?

 

Falling even stronger for someone several years from now isn't really that appealing, because the harder I fall, the more it's going to devastate me when she rejects me, too.

[Deciduous]

Well, I expect it's only a matter of months until she finds a new job and leaves, but I imagine even when she's gone, I'm probably going to miss her and think about her for a while, so...

 

I dunno. I really don't know if I can get over her.

 

Matt -

 

It is a hypothetical question. Let's just consider it for a minute. I promise you, there is method to my madness. How would you deal with that imformation right now? How would you use it? What would you change, if anything?

 

Deci

[penelope13]

Okay. I suppose this is an outline I can try to keep in mind. So "starting small", I assume that means things like the whole "think of three good things" thing?

 

what happened to your resolve? (not necessarily this particular list, but any ACTION list)