Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[lady00]

You can tell him that you really like him and think he's great and if he changes his mind about dating you, he should give you a call. And then give talking to him a good long rest. I'm not saying he's not sincere. Maybe he is but that really does not change the analysis in my mind. It makes no difference whether he is honestly going through something or whether he is just saying he's unavailable for some other reason. The outcome is still the same.

[justagirl2]

This. x 100

[justagirl2]

Pretty much. If he contacts me I will say: "Z, not to be dramatic but I like you and I don't want to get attached to you when you are not ready to date. If you ever feel like you are ready, let me know and if I'm available we can start over but right now I'd rather not get more involved with you".

[lady00]

Pretty much. If he contacts me I will say: "Z, not to be dramatic but I like you and I don't want to get attached to you when you are not ready to date. If you ever feel like you are ready, let me know and if I'm available we can start over but right now I'd rather not get more involved with you".

 

If you can say this, mean it, and stick to it you'll know that you have made an enormous amount of progress towards your goals and achieved real growth.

[missmarple]

You won't like what I'm going to say but, to me, Z is a jerk. I have no respect for people (men and women alike) who lead others on, take them out on dates, make out with them and then turn around and say 'you know what, I'm not ready for a relationship and don't wait for me'...and then say 'but I want to fly 10 hours to visit you'. !

If you're not ready, mister, DON'T WASTE MY TIME!

Frankly, I can't see what's so great about him...and I mean that in regards to YOU, not what he's like at his job or with his friends or family. You say he never played you. To me, a guy who makes out with a girl at a party, then next day takes her out to a nice restaurant, then goes back to her place and makes out some more, only to finish things with 'I don't want a relationship because of my ex gf' IS a player. Not all players' aim is to have sex, some of them just enjoy the attention.

In this case, he looks even worse in my eyes because he knew you were at a fragile state after you broke up with T and yet, he still did his thing. If he didn't want anything more with you, why begin anything at all?! He could have been your friend and he could have told you all this stuff about ex gf etc etc before he made out with you..at least in that case, you'd know what was going on.

As for honesty, yeah, well, it came a bit too late, didn't it?

Do yourself a favour and don't let him mess with your feelings any more. Oh, and stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong.

[justagirl2]

I hear ya sister. Like I feel like he's really lonely here so I'm the only person who actually gives him some attention. He's a very closed guy so I don't think people here have the patience to get to know him like I do. He is like an UES prince in NYC and here in this city/country he is a nobody and nobody gives him any attention or like cares about who he is. He is not the most social guy in the world so it's just been very tough for him. He told me his life has been pre-determined for him specially since he followed every step of his older brother, when he got to high school, he already had his brothers friends, when he got to Harvard, his brother was already there for 2 years and has always opened up the ways for him. For the first time in his life he is on his own and he feels lost and lonely. He wanted to break of this family mold by moving abroad but he is finding that not having his life in NYC is harder than he expected. He feels very alone and it has made him used to being self sufficient. I felt bad for him because he genuinely seems to be struggling about feeling accepted in a new place.

 

I feel like for him it's hard to say no to hangout with someone who genuinely cares about him when he feels like nobody else in this place does, you know? He could have avoided the kissing though and said he just needed a friend. That I agree with.

[Deciduous]

Hi honey,

 

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry things turned out that way. You don't deserve this. The man has lead us on a merry dance. I really agree with missmarple's post. You have been treated deeply unfairly. How else could you have interpreted Friday's kiss? There were so many mixed signals.

 

This is person who is unable to form a normal relationship. He's messed up, and the only good thing is that at least he admitted it.

 

It is time to go full NO-CONTACT. There cannot be a friendship at this point. Hearts have been very hurt and offence has been caused. It is time to step away. Sadly, you got the answer that you were seeking at the beginning of this post. The question has been answered.

 

Bearing that in mind, time for NO-CONTACT

 

Deci

[Batya33]

" It's not his thing. You know?"

 

You don't know what his thing is because you mostly fell in love with your image of him (or in lust). I agree with Lady and Miss Marple - just cut ties with him (I hesitate to use the NC acronym because I don't think you should think of this as a romantic relationship -you had a few dates with him and typed and talked to him and chose to get attached. I'm sorry he acted like a jerk last night. Very unfair.

 

And if he is an UES prince all the more reason to feel very, very sorry for him. I can't think of anything more superficial to say about anyone. And yes I know exactly how you meant it, too, and I have the same reaction.

[justagirl2]

Funny how NC with T who I was in a real relationship has been easy.

 

With Z is just very hard.

[justagirl2]

Ps. Was Z really a jerk?! Didn't I kind of forced everything? No, right? He's been saying since Chicago he was excited to hangout. I'm not crazy but he gave me indications, right? The date + kiss in NY, kiss at the party, date + lots of kisses yesterday.

 

I don't think he's a jerk though, just genuinely confused.

[justagirl2]

Im not feeling too bad today. Glad to have answers. At the same time can't help but being a little romantic and thinking Z will come to his senses. Thing is he probably won't.

[Batya33]

Im not feeling too bad today. Glad to have answers. At the same time can't help but being a little romantic and thinking Z will come to his senses. Thing is he probably won't.

 

He has come to his senses, you just don't want to hear it. He does not want to be in a relationship with you. Perhaps not with anyone but that's only relevant for ego purposes. He did send you mixed signals last night. It's possible that in the future he will want to be in a relationship with you -that will not be because he needed to come to his senses; rather it will be because at that time he will be interested in a relationship with you. Nothing to do with romantic dreams -just the reality. I would go 100% with reality right now -and move on -and not think of it as "NC" so you don't let your mind or heart treat it like some sort of break up of a long relationship. Simply move on and cut ties. If you hold out hope that's not you being romantic, that's you choosing to pine away rather than pursue your goal of a serious relationship.

 

It's easy with T because you were not that into him and already had moved on by pursuing two other guys.

[justagirl2]

Yeah cut ties. I dont think its going to be that hard just because he doesn't really initiate contact. So I just need to not start anything. We are still on a back and forth from yesterday where he's trying to be flirty and I just told him I'm glad you were honest last night so we can be friends. I'm not replying anymore and the convo will die.

[justagirl2]

Been in bed all day today. I feel like I ended two relationships in 1 weekend. I had already ended things with T but still felt more final this weekend.

 

I hope I can get out of this funk and focus on school/getting a job once I get back. Plane leaves tonight. It will be good to be back.

 

I miss T a little I'm second guessing myself about that a lot today but I am not going to make any rash decisions/contact him. It's not fair to him. I need to give myself a few weeks to recover from this and see where I really stand.

[justagirl2]

Do you guys have any tips on how I can work on not contacting Z? Is there any tips that you guys can share?

 

I keep playing things to myself like: If I hadn't been so available, he might have been into me, If I hadn't been so nice, he might have been into me. You know? It sucks.

[lady00]

Force yourself to stay intensely focused on what you are doing in any given moment. And if you are not doing anything find something, anything to occupy your time. Shouldn't be a huge issue once you get back to school sounds like you will have plenty of things to do. Doing this helps you not think about the past interactions with these men which will just be painful to you.

[justagirl2]

lady00 - I am going to work VERY hard on focusing. I have A LOT to do for sure but sometimes I get distracted by these issues.

[lady00]

I have a very hard time focusing and my mind tends to wander unless I am so busy at work that I can't even stop to take a breath. Especially when I'm thinking about a guy (whether it's good or bad - lately I've been distracted by thoughts of the guy I am dating). It's definitely hard but really beneficial to your overall productivity, health, and happiness to be able to really focus on what you are doing in any given moment and give your full attention to it.

[justagirl2]

I talked to a bunch of my friends back in school and I'm feeling a little better.

 

My friends are kind of asking me if I really wanted to start a long distance relationship again. I'm not even sure I want a serious relationship with Z right now. I guess I'm very involved so it's not like I can go with the flow and he seemed pretty clear about not being in a place to be in a relationship right now.

 

He just messaged me again saying he'll come visit me soon and he had such a great time with me so I get very confused. In one hand, he seemed very clear about what he wanted but this attitude, IMO, is a little ambivalent. What is the point of coming to visit me if he doesn't see a relationship?

[lady00]

I talked to a bunch of my friends back in school and I'm feeling a little better.

 

My friends are kind of asking me if I really wanted to start a long distance relationship again. I'm not even sure I want a serious relationship with Z right now. I guess I'm very involved so it's not like I can go with the flow and he seemed pretty clear about not being in a place to be in a relationship right now.

 

He just messaged me again saying he'll come visit me soon and he had such a great time with me so I get very confused. In one hand, he seemed very clear about what he wanted but this attitude, IMO, is a little ambivalent. What is the point of coming to visit me if he doesn't see a relationship?

 

He views things differently from you. He wants to spend time with you but does not want to date you so seeing you won't cause him any sort of pain whereas you feel differently and it will affect you. If you think back you can probably think of a time when you felt the way he does about you about someone else. I would tell him what you told us here a few posts ago about not seeing him for the time being. If you do even agree to see him, it is likely to cause you a lot of stress and anxiety leading up to and during the visit.

[Deciduous]

I talked to a bunch of my friends back in school and I'm feeling a little better.

 

My friends are kind of asking me if I really wanted to start a long distance relationship again. I'm not even sure I want a serious relationship with Z right now. I guess I'm very involved so it's not like I can go with the flow and he seemed pretty clear about not being in a place to be in a relationship right now.

 

He just messaged me again saying he'll come visit me soon and he had such a great time with me so I get very confused. In one hand, he seemed very clear about what he wanted but this attitude, IMO, is a little ambivalent. What is the point of coming to visit me if he doesn't see a relationship?

 

Hi Justa,

 

I don't think he's being ambivalent. I think he is being unpleasantly clear. He's saying "I will give you NOTHING. Yet if you want to tend to my emotional needs, thanks!!!. But expect nothing from me. I have told you as much. This is the score, now you choose."

 

Thing is, if you hang around, you don't garner respect. He simply takes what you are offering. These are crumbs, honey. You won't have girlfriend status, you won't have sex, you won't be invited to the annual family gathering. You will be given no status at all.

 

Your role is to provide emotional comfort when he needs it. Eventually respect goes out of the window. You start accepting those crumbs and holding on for your reward, which never ever comes. And if you question it, he will merely refer you to the conversation you had yesterday.

 

It is now time to cut ties. He has behaved badly. Do not lose your dignity over this man. If you are looking for marriage, then look else-where. This is done.

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

Well that's depressing to hear. I agree with you girls though. Cut contact now and if he's ever ready and I'm available we can reconnect. No point on accepting crumbs. I deserve better than that for sure.

[Batya33]

Been in bed all day today. I feel like I ended two relationships in 1 weekend. I had already ended things with T but still felt more final this weekend.

 

I hope I can get out of this funk and focus on school/getting a job once I get back. Plane leaves tonight. It will be good to be back.

 

I miss T a little I'm second guessing myself about that a lot today but I am not going to make any rash decisions/contact him. It's not fair to him. I need to give myself a few weeks to recover from this and see where I really stand.

 

But that's only because you chose to be involved with two men at once, one of whom was unavailable to you and one who you were no longer into. And both were in this long distance city. So, it's not surprising. I think staying in contact with Z simply means you're willing to have the arrangement he wants - you stroke his ego, you get to chat with him, get to hook up with him when he feels like seeing you on his terms. If you don't want that then don't stay in touch.

[justagirl2]

You are right Batya. Tough love accepted.

 

I'm back feeling a lot better. This trip was exhausting but I felt like I did the right thing, ultimately. Still go back and forth w/ the decision w/ T but I know for now it's the right thing to do.

 

I'm not talking to Z for the time being. I have a feeling he will come around and that our story is far from over, but it is easier if I act as it is totally over.

[Batya33]

You are right Batya. Tough love accepted.

 

I'm back feeling a lot better. This trip was exhausting but I felt like I did the right thing, ultimately. Still go back and forth w/ the decision w/ T but I know for now it's the right thing to do.

 

I'm not talking to Z for the time being. I have a feeling he will come around and that our story is far from over, but it is easier if I act as it is totally over.

 

I don't think that's tough love at all and that's the problem -you interpret simple reality as "tough" in this particular situation (certainly not all the time!). I think you are right to act as if Z has no potential in your life.