Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[Batya33]

I hate drugs. Haha. I mean, I guess I like feeling in love and happy and giddy. I do know that in order to have a successful LTR you need to substitute that feelings for other things... Like you said that it took you a while to get there.

 

I'm getting very stressed with T he's still at work 9:30pm. It will make this just that much easier.

 

Ha ha. No that's not what i wrote. If you define in love the way you seem to -happy and giddy when the person is just out of your reach or something about the relationship is still unsure - then yes you're not ready for a long term relationship. I really don't know anyone in a happy marriage who becomes unhappy because they don't constantly feel giddy - or who would want to constantly feel giddy. In addition, most people in successful long term relationships define loving as giving first and foremost as opposed to the way the chemical reaction makes them feel - certainly you want to feel inspired to give but if your focus is what your emotional temperature is and how you're feeling that's really not about giving to the other person.

[justagirl2]

Ha ha. No that's not what i wrote. If you define in love the way you seem to -happy and giddy when the person is just out of your reach or something about the relationship is still unsure - then yes you're not ready for a long term relationship. I really don't know anyone in a happy marriage who becomes unhappy because they don't constantly feel giddy - or who would want to constantly feel giddy. In addition, most people in successful long term relationships define loving as giving first and foremost as opposed to the way the chemical reaction makes them feel - certainly you want to feel inspired to give but if your focus is what your emotional temperature is and how you're feeling that's really not about giving to the other person.

 

I understand exactly what you mean Batya. And I sincerely and with all my heart wish to be ready for that someday. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

[Batya33]

I understand exactly what you mean Batya. And I sincerely and with all my heart wish to be ready for that someday. Hopefully sooner, rather than later.

 

I know you do and again I am sorry about the frustration with T.

[justagirl2]

It's not like this if the first time T does this. It's ALWAYS like this with him. His job always comes first. Z is the same way. I've always had to settle to meet him at 11pm on weekdays. He's in a meeting and can't go out, what can I do you know.

 

The problem is I'm very anxious to have this talk today so this is all EXTRA stressful. It is not out of character though and I'm sure he doesn't mean to frustrate me.

 

In all honesty, his values are well aligned. I wish I could be as focused as he is. I should be in the US prepping for my McKinsey interview next week and not in the middle of this. They are the right ones, I'm the one who put way too much importance to relationships. I just could not go letting this thing with T drag more. It was hurting me.

[justagirl2]

Guys can you please be kind with me and give me emotional support next week if I leave this weekend 100% single with zero ties? I'm scared I'm going to have a breakdown but I know this is the correct choice for me!!!

[justagirl2]

Did I mention in this thread that G, my ex, got engaged? This just adds to the feeling that I'm the odd one out not ready for marriage and enjoying the so-called drama that will make me end up single and living with 50 cats.

 

T is finally ready to meet up. I'm supposed to drive to see him in 20 minutes. Still unsure about this decision.

 

justagirl2 - sabotaging perfectly fine relationships since 1987

 

At least I see what I'm doing.

[Batya33]

Look in my life I considered myself single unless I was engaged. Of course if I was in a relationship it didn't mean I acted single as far as dating, I just considered myself single because I was unmarried. It made it simpler. If you leave this weekend with no romantic connection to any guy all that means is that you start with a clean slate and can meet other men without messy complications.

[justagirl2]

Ok I am going to follow you advice Batya. You do think I am doing the correct decision with T, right? At least for now? It would mean a lot to me to hear your honest thoughts. Do you think it's the right decision?

[Batya33]

Yes -if you're not sure you want to be with him and you're interested in pursuing other men then yes, easy decision.

[justagirl2]

Hey guys. Things went as expected. We went over how for the past year neither had put the priority 1 the relationship and that was a problem. From I what I gathered from him, it seems like he wanted to try over in a different way: putting the relationship in number 1. I then said because of my job recruiting I needed a real break to be able to focus on myself. He wasn't that happy with that, but eventually agreed and said this is break-up, breaks are stupid. I accepted and we did talk a lot how this was going to be hard since we knew about the long distance, that neither of is put 2 feet in the water during the relationship. I cried a little. He said he misses highs and lows on our relationship and he thinks that's what made if a little passionate-less. We all know how I feel like high and lows but I do understand where he's coming from.

 

Talk was good. He took it well and agreed with most of my points. I know we can both move on and lose one another but in the air it seems liked we'd both like to start over in a different way one we know our locations next year.

 

I love this guy. Just such a great person. Making even break-ups easy.

 

Part of me wonders if I should fight for him but now I really know I need to give time to myself.

[Batya33]

I think the break up is the right thing to do and I think your expectation has to be that he won't be waiting in the wings for you - not because you're not a great person but because it's real life. As you wrote above that is what you accept and I understand the feelings of "things might work next year" - I'd take the clean slate approach and accept that he will too.

[justagirl2]

Batya - Agreed. It was a great conversation and honestly, I feel in my heart that we might reconnect later in the future. He seems to share the same concerns that I did - like we both put the relationship in second plans. He did say he thinks I'm amazing, admires me and wants me to count on him for whatever. I said the same thing to him. He IS amazing. I channeled Batya when he said our relationship never had ups and downs and told him that is what a mature relationship should be like - mature and fulfilling. But, in order for it to be fulfilling we have to take a step back and if ever decide to start over we have to put the relationship in number 1, as opposed to what we've been doing lately.

 

If you guys were expecting drama, there was none. Like I said, internally I might seem dramatic but outwards I'm very rational. It was a little sad, shed a feel tears but I'm feeling good today. It was the right thing to.

 

Got involved in a car crush driving back... lol. Scary but everything is good. I guess my mind was just elsewhere. I am going to try to get some sleep today because I didn't sleep that well there. I spent the night at his place.

 

It's sad but in order for this relationship to have a shot in the future, there needs to be time apart and we both know that.

 

And I do understand that both can just move on and never workout again - not next year not ever.

[Batya33]

" But, in order for it to be fulfilling we have to take a step back and if ever decide to start over we have to put the relationship in number 1, as opposed to what we've been doing lately. "

 

I would agree with that if the plan was to take a break, not date anyone else, and be in no or very limited contact to see if you miss each other over at least a few months and if so, how much. But if you're already eyeing and kissing other guys, or want to, and plan to pursue other men or be open to it while you're not with him then that's not about taking a step back for each other or about reflecting on how to make it work next time. That's just a typical break-up with the typical "who knows what can happen in the future". But no, it's not working on your current relationship at least IMO.

A friend of mine was in that situation -she seemed head over heels, they were engaged, wedding was a few months away and she asked for 6 months apart because she had doubts as to whether he was right for her (she was in her mid 20s like you). It's possible she would have stopped dating during that 6 months but it was obvious that she thought they would reconnect and that he was so into her he'd wait for her. He said nope, she was upset, they parted ways and they both married other people (he's now been married for 12 years). I was proud of him at the time -felt it was a bit harsh because they were so close to getting married but I totally understood where he was coming from.

 

 

 

Very sorry about the car accident!

[justagirl2]

Batya - I think that can happen. That happened to my first ex. Said no. Anything can happen at this point.

 

I got to be fully prepared for that.

[Batya33]

Batya - I think that can happen. That happened to my first ex. Said no. Anything can happen at this point.

 

I got to be fully prepared for that.

 

Yes that's right. My only point was -now, move on. 100%. Don't tell yourself you're working on any aspect of the past relationship if you're indeed at all interested in dating other people. If you two do get back together in the future, so be it but I'm concerned that if you tell yourself that you're doing what you're doing for your ex-boyfriend that you won't entirely move on and that you'll feel the sting more if he starts dating other people or if you contact him during a dating lull with the hopes that he will want to reconcile because of the "we need time apart" thing.

[justagirl2]

I know you are right. I still wonder if I should have taken T's alternative of "working on making our relationship top priority now" as opposed to taking this break. I was also telling him I was having psych problems and he is SO weird about it. He told me 4x he doesn't want to hear about it which I just think is so weird how you can't talk about a bf about past struggles, anxiety, depression. All he told me is that he has taken meds before and I'll be fine.

 

Anyways, I know I was not ready to put the relationship in top priority now so it was the right thing but I know if I'm ever ready to do that, he might be long gone.

 

That makes me depressed specially because I feel like... I'm never going to find anyone else like him.

[lady00]

But you don't want someone like him. You want someone who you have certain feeling for so in a fundamental way that person would be very different from him. I will admit I cannot really relate to looking for the feeling it sounds like you are looking for but I don't think that matters. What matters is that you do not want to be with him. No amount of thinking about it will change the way that you feel toward him and ultimately the best thing for both of you is to walk away. Your feelings for him may change later on but they also and very likely will not. I wouldn't worry about finding someone else like him but rather someone who you feel that certain specific way for.

[justagirl2]

Lady00 - I'm looking for someone who I connect with in an emotional and physical level. That I miss when I'm apart and that I enjoy spending time with. You know? That is all. Someone I admire and respect and love (like T) but that I actually miss when I'm apart and want to spend one-on-one time with.

[Deciduous]

I know you are right. I still wonder if I should have taken T's alternative of "working on making our relationship top priority now" as opposed to taking this break. I was also telling him I was having psych problems and he is SO weird about it. He told me 4x he doesn't want to hear about it which I just think is so weird how you can't talk about a bf about past struggles, anxiety, depression. All he told me is that he has taken meds before and I'll be fine.

 

Anyways, I know I was not ready to put the relationship in top priority now so it was the right thing but I know if I'm ever ready to do that, he might be long gone.

 

That makes me depressed specially because I feel like... I'm never going to find anyone else like him.

 

Hello Justa,

 

I think you are experiencing the natural sadness that happens when a door closes. You have all these memories and it is painful to say goodbye. Your therapist said that you would need today to take experience the brunt of that sorrow.

 

Honey, you were always going to feel like this. T is part of your history, your journey. Of course you are going to miss that.

 

Having said this, when you mentioned pysch problems, he immediately shut down. He pretends that that side of you doesn't exist. What the heck?? I wonder how a long term marriage would have worked out. You'd have to disown a major part of yourself. Surely you would have felt very unsupported in the end. It would have become the "terrible secret that we don't talk about" EVER.

 

"If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist." Never seen that strategy work out for a long term marriage.

 

 

Deci

[justagirl2]

It's not like I have some serious psych problem at all. It's a little anxiety but since my mom had serious bipolar issues I like to take care of myself and go to therapy. I don't think he doesn't want to talk about my problems, but he just doesn't like to talk about illness, be it physical or mental at all. I wanted to tell him about my mom struggles last night and he said: please I don't like to talk about these topics, respect that.

 

I just can't fathom being with somebody so sensitive to these topics. My mom's issues are a big part of who I am today and I find it completely weird that he doesn't let me talk about this.

 

Again, my issues are just a little anxiety but not being able to talk about this is just so weird. All he said was, I also went through a period of this, took meds, you'll get over it let me know if it gets more serious and I don't want to talk about it all all. Please don't force it.

 

I told him not to worry because it wouldn't become more serious - I've struggled with anxiety my whole life but he doesn't even want to hear about it.

 

It's so strange. I have to respect it and I know he probably had some personal issues with it as did I but his completely avoiding the subject is a little too much. How can't I tell my boyfriend about my mom's history of drug abuse/depression when I was a little kid to the man I'm going to share a life with? It was a big part of my life and I find it so weird how we can just NOT talk about problems.

 

Everyone has them.

[Batya33]

"It's so strange. I have to respect it and I know he probably had some personal issues with it as did I but his completely avoiding the subject is a little too much. How can't I tell my boyfriend about my mom's history of drug abuse/depression when I was a little kid to the man I'm going to share a life with? It was a big part of my life and I find it so weird how we can just NOT talk about problems."

 

My sense is that since you were bringing it up within a discussion about ending the relationship he didn't want to go there. I'm sure it didn't take you this long to figure out how he feels about these kinds of issues. I don't think what you wrote to Lady00 was the whole story because the way in which you interpret how you think you're supposed to feel and your focus on your emotional temperature far more than on who the person is (maybe that's why you didn't know till now his views on mental illness/psychological issues) is a significant part of you getting in your own way. I think you made the right decision.

[justagirl2]

Yes, I mean, who knows. Kind numb today. Feeling really bad. I don't want to see anyone, not even seeing Z gets me in a good mood - which in a way is a good thing.

 

We might hangout tomorrow, I mean it was the plan, hopefully I'll feel better.

 

I just feel very unsure if this was the right decision. We didn't speak today. I didn't call him which I think it's huge for me I tend to let my emotions get the best of me.

 

My friends are around but I really don't feel like talking to them at all. Or going to a party. Going to take my Ambien and sleep soon.

 

I kind of always knew his view on not wanting to talk about illness in general (mental and physical) but I never tried to push it until yesterday. Like I said before, one of my closest aunts is battling cancer and is a topic I can't discuss with him because he won't talk about it. It's a little annoying to ME, who likes to talk about things, not to be able to share these types of hardships with my bf. But, in the end of the day it's not how we end it.

 

I got all ready to go out to day hair, make-up to try to feel better and I just feel like . Honestly, it's hard to end relationships sometimes I wonder if starting it it's worth it at all.

 

I gotta hold my ground until Sunday when I leave back to school I think I can do it.

[justagirl2]

So my friends finally convinced me to go the party and Z was going as well.

 

Well might as well just have stayed home.

 

It was kind of a disaster of a night. Z and I ended up making out at the party but I was just not into it. I've been wanting to kiss this boy again for so long and I just could not enjoy it.

 

I spotted one of T's friends at the party which made me just very... uncomfortable kissing Z. I also didn't want to drink because I don't like to mix my anti-anxiety med with alcohol so it was just weird to be in a club with loud music, Z was kind of drunk and I was alert and paranoid T's friend would see us. I was not doing anything wrong but it also didn't feel right.

 

I think Z noticed I was uncomfortable which sucks. He asked if I was ashamed of him in his costume (he did look a lil ridic, lol) and I said of no and told him the truth (my ex bf's friend was around and I just wasn't that comfortable kissing him around them). It was just... awkward you know. It kind of sucks that I couldn't enjoy this moment with Z but I guess I'm just not wired that way. I'm not one of these girls that can just get drunk and not worry about things. Sometimes I wish I was that girl. Z kept asking why I was antsy. I just wasn't a good company tonight, you know? I'm scared it will turn him off me because I genuinely like this kid. You guys know that. I'm glad at least he was very sweet towards me and seemed to really be happy to be with me. I just feel bad I was such a bad company. I hope he'll understand.

 

I asked him if he wanted to come home with me and he said no. It was fairly early, let's say party started around 1am it was around 3am. These parties goes on until 6am in this city. So it was fairly early. I was looking really good so it's always interesting when the guy says no to coming home with you. Not that I would have slept with him, I would just feel more comfortable spending time with him at our house instead of in from of a bunch of people I know at that party. I just don't want people talking right now, you know? So he was like: "Come on, it's early let's stay" but I just could not stay anymore and asked if he wanted to come and he said no that he would spend the whole day with me tomorrow. I'm not sure how much I trust that. Tomorrow is our date night but I'm scared I acted so lame that he now thinks I'm super lame.

 

I texted him saying that I'm sorry if I was a little lame, had to take a tranquilizer after my car crash and didn't want to drink but that I had a great time with him and hope we could still hangout tomorrow.

 

I just wish I could have forgotten the world and kissed him all night long but you guys know my mind does not work like that. I care a lot about T and I just did not want to expose myself to this. Not yet. I mean, it was a big, dark party and I'm not even sure people saw us, I think his friend probably did not. But still, you know? I didn't want to take my chances.

 

I really like Z so I hope he forgives me for being "lame" tonight. I like how he held his ground and didn't come home with me. That was the right thing to do. He said we would spend the WHOLE day together tomorrow so let's see how much of that was truth and how much of that was drunk talk. Sometimes I scare he thinks I'm not a fun girl, you know? I was very lame tonight.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't regret going there and kissing him. Honestly, I'm single, I'm not cheating. I'm glad I can say that. But I would prefer if it didn't get back to T that I was making out with someone else. I don't think it will. But the worry about that made me not enjoy my time together with Z.

 

I hope he still wants to spend time with me tomorrow so it can be just us and we can talk and spend some nice time together. At the party we could barely talk it was screaming over the music.

 

I'm still confused about his intentions but this is the second time he kisses me so I think it's safe to say he likes me in some capacity. I wish this night could have been magical you know? Instead it was me worrying about my ex's friends. Lol.

 

Do you guys think Z will think I'm lame and boring or he'll understand I wanted to leave a little earlier? And do you think it's a little weird that he said he wanted to stay and not come home with me?

 

Thoughts?

[Batya33]

I think it's a bad idea to make out with someone within hours of ending a serious relationship so you're seeing the downsides of that decision.

[justagirl2]

I think it's a bad idea to make out with someone within hours of ending a serious relationship so you're seeing the downsides of that decision.

 

Pretty much. We've already been on a break for the past months though so technically wasn't hours but it really was in a way too. I don't think any of his friends saw but this was all on the expense of being so vigilant and not enjoying my time with Z. Don't be surprise if Z thinks I'm really lame and don't want to see me anymore.