Is it possible for people NOT to be turned off by too much contact/interest?

[lady00]

I would be surprised if he thought you were lame just because of this. Most people in his shoes would understand where you are coming from and probably not react that way (once they sober up . . . what they think while drunk is another story but that's largely irrelevant). I'm sure it will be fine. I guess you should just go on the date tonight and see how it goes.

[justagirl2]

Yeah I agree but I just felt like something was a little off last night. I don't know like... Just we weren't able to connect because of that situation. I just asked if we are still up for tonight but I'm pretty sure he will make some excuse not to hangout. It's just a gut feeling you know? I just felt like something was broken last night. Ready for him to say he's busy/can't go and that will be my cue to put an end on that one too. Seems like I'm leaving the country putting an end to 2 stories. That will be easy to digest.

[lady00]

Well, let's see what he says. Maybe it won't be that.

[justagirl2]

And this is all my fault because I should have seen Z tonight, not be anxious and go to that party. Again, I ruined this. My anxiety and I are just masters of sabotaging everything left and right.

[justagirl2]

Well, let's see what he says. Maybe it won't be that.

 

I'm almost 100% sure. It's a very big gut feeling. I'm not sure it's my anxiety clouding the judgement but who the heck wants to go on a date with a girl who is just completely lame and can't have fun at a party? He was having a great time and I was just there being a worried mess and looking anxious/not enjoying myself. I can't see anyone wanting to go on a date with someone like that you know.

[justagirl2]

Haha ok I was wrong. His answer was:

 

"Yes, definitely, sounds good. I just got to sleep it off for a bit longer will be back in business".

 

I still have a feeling he doesn't want to see me

 

"I said ok cool you do that. Let's shoot for 8/9pm. I gotta make it up to you for being so lame last night. haha"

 

Am I being paranoid???

[justagirl2]

I never know if I'm forcing a situation you know? Or if he definitely wants to see me. I'm going to spend the day with my friends, so many people who love me here and who want to see me and I've been basically been bed-ridden.

 

My friends from last night did not see me with Z, have no idea it happened so I'm probably good that nobody really saw us.

 

Do you guys think I'm forcing a situation with Z or he's an adult, if he's kissing me and wanting to go out with me tonight he likes me and wants to be with me and is just not being forced to be nice?

[lady00]

Yes you are being paranoid. He wants to see you.

[justagirl2]

Yeah, I'm still waiting for him to cancel with me and say work came up or something. I don't know why I'm feeling so paranoid.

 

I've been doing relatively well I guess. I went to lunch with one of my best friends, her husband and her little baby and she made me feel a lot better about my decision. She basically went through something similar that I did, broke-up with her now husband, dated another guy who she just felt like she needed to "try" and then ended up realizing it was a big mistake and eventually got back to her ex and they are VERY happily married with a little girl. I know this is ONE scenario but it's always good to hear these stories.

 

She said the sex was really bad for her and everything but then when she realized she actually really did love her ex they got back, she worked on the relationship and even the sex improved and they are now very happy. She knows it was a risk but she said she needed to take it in order to be at the place she is now.

[lady00]

I know someone who went through something similar (dumped a guy to date someone else and eventually got back together with the guy and married him) and I'm sure there are other examples. I guess it does happen that way for a number of people.

[lady00]

Maybe the paranoia is fueling your interest in him. Maybe that feeling of uncertainly makes him seem more interesting and exciting. But in this case, at this moment, you're creating that. He hasn't actually done anything to suggest that he does not want to see you tonight. In fact, he's done quite the opposite. If he turns into someone who consistently wants to see you and spend time with you, will you still continue to feel paranoid? I think the answer is perhaps. You need to be very careful of that. If a guy says he wants to see you and his actions match his words, believe him! Anything else is just a waste of time and energy. You can't guess what's in someone's head. If the person says one thing and you trust that person, then believe him and enjoy the relationship.

[justagirl2]

Yeah and I don't know why I'm so paranoid perhaps yesterday was so bad and I was acting so lame he prob thinks I'm just not fun. But Z has never said he wanted to hangout and then bailed, never. Unlike J, remember Batya? That one always used to stand me up.

 

Z has never done that, ever. But because yesterday was so bad I just think maybe he's upset with me. I just have a horrible gut feeling about this but it might as well be my anxiety.

 

I guess I just really want to fix yesterday and want him to have a good time with me so I'm scared of not getting the chance.

[lady00]

Why should you be fun after ending a long-term relationship? You're not some kind of machine that can just switch gears like that. No one is! If he's a good guy, I guarantee he understands that.

[justagirl2]

Yeah I guess. I'm human. He hasn't bailed yet. Just told me we should meet at 8:30 seems like this is happening.

 

I got to stop psyching myself up like this. I'm going to not worry tonight though. Allowing myself to have a few drinks and not worrying about seeing someone T knows. I''m single and am not doing anything wrong.

 

Took some tylenol earlier today it's ok to drink right? I didn't take my anti-anxiety meds today so I can have 1-2 drinks.

[Batya33]

I would stay away from alcohol given your experiences of the last number of days -do seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime or something like that. I think Z does want to see you and I would avoid being apologetic to him. Have fun!

[justagirl2]

I would stay away from alcohol given your experiences of the last number of days -do seltzer with cranberry juice and a twist of lime or something like that. I think Z does want to see you and I would avoid being apologetic to him. Have fun!

 

Good advice!

 

Love you girls thanks so much for all the support.

 

I just talked to my best friend in this entire world and I thought she was one of the people that was going to really judge me because she loves T and is very focused on marriage. I was avoiding telling her about the break-up. You know what she told me?

 

"M, I felt sorry for you in that relationship. I could tell in your forehead that you were unhappy and dragging it along. I really felt sorry for you. You did the right thing for sure".

 

Well, that was unexpected.

[justagirl2]

I also want to be very objective and adjust my expectations for tonight. I can't expect butterflies, best night of my life, he's the one forever. I like this guy a lot but I know I'm not in the best emotional state yet so I might not be able to feel all those feelings.

 

I know I put this guy in the biggest pedestal and it's not fair to expect from him what my imagination expects from him.

 

I'm going to take this as a date with somebody I love to spend time with. PERIOD.

[justagirl2]

Well that was interesting.

 

So he had planned this sweet date, made reservations at a really nice restaurant for us. I had expected just drinks. I was quite surprised. He pays for everything seems like he likes me.

 

Then we make-out come to my place and I was not going to have sex with him but before I can stop him he stops me and says we shouldn't go farther because it would just be more confusing (?). So he basically says he's not ready for a relationship now and with me it would be either everything or nothing. Said he hadn't dated anybody in years and that subconsciously his only long-term girlfriend f'ed his emotions over and he just haven't been able to be close to any girl since.

 

He said it's not fair to me that he has to figure some of his stuff out and he doesn't want to drag me into his mess.

 

I was shocked I was looking really hot and we had crazy chemistry I've never had a guy be so honest about not wanting sex. He was being really ambivalent though saying he really likes me but I shouldn't wait for him.

 

So that was that.

 

It's sad because I feel like we have such a great connection and he just cannot let himself be happy. I mean I can tell he really likes me by the way he acts around me and kisses me but then wow, shocked by him not wanting to go farther (which I wouldn't have let anyways but wish I could have been the one to stop things).

 

He ends up saying he can't wait to come visit me though which is just more ambivalent. I ask him if he sees this working out someday or just never and he says of course it's not never but it's not fair for him to tell me to wait around for him. Great answer.

 

I feel like this is just going to screw me over more.

 

Thought of the night: Why can't I just love T? WHY WHY WHY? I really miss him right now because of this awful night. I mean great minus the part that the unavailable guy tells me with every letter of the alphabet he is unavailable. I want to cry. Damn. I'm going to be alone forever.

 

If I could ONLY had invested into my relationship with T I would not be in this situation right now.

 

The worst part of this is that this guy is just... not going to come to his senses. So it's not like I can play games and not talk to him and he's going to realize he misses me. He just won't. So I just have to not talk to him to get over him and not with the hopes he'll realize he likes me. He won't. He's been so passive all this time it won't change now.

 

I feel like this weekend has been an emotional mess and like I said, I just miss T so much (I know it's cause he's my security blanket).

 

I want to be strong enough to not go crawling back to him but I feel weak and vulnerable. I feel like I dont have the strength.

[justagirl2]

I honestly don't understand how he goes out of his way to make reservations for this really nice restaurant and not want to have sex with me. Isn't it normally the other way around? Like what went on here?

 

Also, why do I like this guy? I do not understand why I devoted so much of my time to him. The thing is I just think he's genuinely confused you know. These is one of those times that I kind of know the "it's not you, it's me" is not BS you know?

 

He just wrote me saying exactly:

 

"I really like spending time with you and definitely appreciate that you're willing to listen to me. I'm making progress. Our conversations are great."

 

I think he means he's making progress in terms of opening up to me. He told me he really likes to get to know people but he has a very firm boundary where he just can't let people in. He said I've gone farther than most people and that it's just scary to him. He said he subconsciously sabotages things and doesn't know why. This is the first time he opened up about his ex gf to me. I knew about her because his brother had told me. I just feel like yeah, big deal, he has opened up to me because because I forced that to happen you know? I have so much patience with him. I really like this kid.

 

I mean, am I his therapist? I just feel like I'm the only person who has the patience to listen to him and slowly wish his walls away, you know? It's not like I'm special to him I'm legit the only girl who has patience for his tortured soul BS.

 

Move on, right? Is there any hope here? I don't want to fall into any kind of trap of living in fantasy land "I can get him to open up and let me win." NOT interested in that. I don't want to live in fairytale and dream land. Is there any REAL hope or not?

 

I think from everything I've talked about this guy, this is a very expected outcome, know? I really find like all the signs were there.

 

Why does he has to be such a decent guy? I've dated unavailable guys before, but none that would not want to have sex not to hurt me or lead me on. You know? This is very surprising to me. I didn't even know these types of guys still existed.

[justagirl2]

Can someone please give me advice I'm lost.

 

Actually I'm not lost. I need to STOP talking to Z. That is it. Get.over.him.

[lady00]

Can someone please give me advice I'm lost.

 

Actually I'm not lost. I need to STOP talking to Z. That is it. Get.over.him.

 

You definitely need a break from him. He's not available right now and may never be. I wouldn't continue to have conversations with him because while that may be fun in the moment, it is probably just going to confuse you. Sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted to. At least (and I know this isn't much) but at least you now know what he is really thinking.

[justagirl2]

Yes. I'm really happy we got to have that conversation and HE brought it up. He was the one who started with "I don't think we should go farther because ..."

 

I have to look at the positive. It sucks but at least he was very honest.

 

He's a very honest person too so if I just stop talking to him he is not going to try to seduce me back in. It's not his thing. You know? He has never, ever, ever promised me anything or tried to keep me around. I remember J, this guy I was crazy about would play all these tricks and say he was jealous of me, not want me with other people. Z was pretty clear. I don't want you to wait around for me I'm not ready for a relationship.

 

If I don't talk to him, he won't talk to me and this will fade. Problem is, easier said than done, right?

 

He's not a player at all. At all. This was all me you know? One thing I can say is he NEVER played me.

 

lady00 - Is this pretty much what you expected of this guy? I think your view was pretty dead on.

 

And do you really think he will NEVER be available? I think there's hope for him given he is only 25 years old. That's very young.

[justagirl2]

Well, I don't think this weekend could have been more of a disaster. It's almost comical.

 

It can only go up from here I guess.

 

What confused me is that he said he's going to visit me in 3 weeks. I was like, no I mean, it makes no sense, you just said you don't see us being together why do you want to fly 10 hours to spend time with me. He said that he wants to come see me. He was trying hard not to be, but he ended up being very ambivalent. I really, really felt like he likes me but it really seems like he has some real issues he needs to resolve. It's not just about his ex gf, he puts so much pressure in himself it's insane.

 

I just can't help but feel like this guy is different, he's not the usual unavailable, serial dater guy. If I'm just patient with him...we can workout you know? I guess it's what we all feel.

 

So what do I do if he says he wants to come visit? Do I tell him no?

[lady00]

Sure, he may be available one day. But knowing that that is a possibility (of course it is) does not help you, does it? I think that assuming that he will never be available to you is healthier and even if it's a skewed version of reality that doesn't take into account all possible outcomes, it is more likely to protect you than holding out hope. I think that if there is going to be something between you sometime down the line, not talking for a while won't change that. Sure, you could wait around for him but will you be constantly stressed out and anxious about it? Probably. I don't think this guy is worth that. I'm not saying he's not a great guy. He may well be but I don't think he's worth putting your life on hold for. You are a person who is looking for love. I don't see you just waiting around for some guy to become emotionally available. I mean, I suppose you could do that. It just doesn't seem compatible with your goal of finding a healthy relationship. You are a person in this interaction to and you have the right to take a stand and say "no don't visit me" if seeing him is going to make it harder for you to move on (which it undoubtedly is).

[justagirl2]

Girls you have to hold myself accountable. I have to let go. He said he's not ready. It means that. He was clear. I have to let to. I have a clean slate to focus on myself and stop moping.