Am I needy?

[Firiel]

So, my boyfriend and I have been an item for coming up on six months. We were friends for over a year before we even considered getting together, so we’re close despite the relatively short amount of time we’ve been together. Depending on our schedules, we tend to hang out at least three times a week, more if our schedules line up nicely.

 

Anyway, I’m always worried about being a needy girlfriend. I don’t know if that is a real fear or not because my ex always made it seem like any kind of emotional need was overwhelming and ridiculous. So I have no idea what realistic expectations are in that regard. Here are some examples:

 

1. He tends to stop by after work. I live right on his way home, so he’ll often come by and chat for 5-30 minutes depending on how tired he was. One night, he hadn’t confirmed that he was stopping by. Because I had had a rough day, I really wanted to see him for a few minutes. I considered texting him and asking him specifically to stop by. It wouldn’t have been a pushy text… just letting him know that I would really like him to stop by that night. I ended up not texting him, and he ended up stopping by anyway.

 

2. I go to my parents’ house most Saturdays for dinner. He’s come with me a few times and enjoyed it… enough that I like to ask him if he’d like to come along. When he doesn’t want to go or has something else going on, it’s never a big deal at all. So one Saturday, I texted him after work (about 3) to see if he wanted to go with me that evening. He hadn’t gotten back to me by 4:15 which was about half an hour before I was planning on leaving. I couldn’t decide whether to call him or not when I didn’t hear back from him. I ended up calling him once and leaving a message. He called me back right before I left and ended up coming with me.

 

3. Tonight was very similar to the first instance. I just started a job and am feeling overwhelmed and stressed. He was planning on stopping by after work, and I was really looking forward to seeing him. My anxiety has been pretty sky-high the last couple of days, and we haven’t been able to see each other much lately. Anyway, he didn’t end up having to work and is hanging out with a friend of his (and of mine). I was disappointed because I figured that meant I wouldn’t see him. So I sent him the following text: “Well, you can stop by if you’d like—I’d like to see you, but I totally understand guy time. No pressure, seriously. And I meant it. I mean, yeah, I’m disappointed because I’m struggling a bit emotionally, but I’m a big girl and I can deal with my own crap. I’m not frustrated or mad at him at all.

 

So, do those instances make me sound needy? I have a hard time knowing what is expressing what I’d like and what is being overly demanding or pushy. I mean, I suppose it’s okay to want to see my boyfriend after a rough day as long as I don’t get annoyed when he has a life of his own and it doesn’t work out. I just don’t know what that balance is, and I don’t want to be needy.

[mhowe]

Doesn't seem needy to me. If you can count on him stopping by most times, and when he can't you can handle it, no worries.

[Firiel]

Yeah, it's just that I was quite disappointed, especially upon first hearing he wouldn't be stopping by. I mean, I'm definitely handling it fine. It's not the end of the world, but I do still really wish he had been able to stop by.

 

Probably won't see him till Thursday now.

[blueidealist24]

It doesn't sound like you're acting needy. I've read a bit of your journal before and I think your ex planted those ideas in your head.

[mhowe]

You are freshly divorced, and vulnerable. If he is, on the whole, a great bf, don't expect him to be your therapist and all else. That he often goes to dinner w/ your folks, etc...don't make him the "be all, end all" of your emotional stability.

 

I lost my mum this year...and as great as bf is...he can't/doesn't want to deal w/ my "need" around that issue...mostly do w/ his issues with his mum...so I talk to others with that...

 

They can do what they can do --- but don't mistake them for a "woman" friend.

[Firiel]

Yeah, I'm definitely trying not to make him be the end all of everything. It's just so hard to know what is normal and healthy to gain from a partner and what is depending too much on someone, you know? I feel like I don't even know where to start in figuring that out!

[shellyf62]

From what you have written I think you are doing pretty well!!!!

[mhowe]

If you generally are an independent person, you can call/text if you REALLY need them.

 

The way I look at it, is if I just text/call or don't leave msg that says "Call me"...then, if they dont' call, no worries.

 

I think you are probably over thinking it, given your history. Try to be YOU, and calm you without NEEDING bf of a few months. It is normal to want someone to lean on, but the best person to lean on...is YOU.

[Realitynut]

If you can't count on your bf to be there for you in a time of need....and everyone has them....who can you count on? I never had gf's to 'call' on. My bf's WERE my one and only person....well.....honestly now that i think about it, i was a hairdresser...lol....nuf' said! I guess i did do my share of venting....lol

 

But NOOOOOO....none of those things are being too needy. There is also a thing being TOO DISTANT. A man like to feel like he's NEEDED. At least some do. Some don't.....and those that don't complain that you are being too needy. Should we name names???? lol

 

Don't sweat it. Be yourself. Don't over think it. If he thinks you are being too demanding he will tell you! When did telling your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, your needs, your fears, to a loved one, become needy.

 

I sort of long for the old days (50's, 60's, 70's) when we didn't have all this psycho/needy/boundary crap confusing us! We just muddled through life not knowing we were doing it ALL WRONG! lol

[tiredofvampires]

When did telling your thoughts, your feelings, your desires, your needs, your fears, to a loved one, become needy.

 

I sort of long for the old days (50's, 60's, 70's) when we didn't have all this psycho/needy/boundary crap confusing us! We just muddled through life not knowing we were doing it ALL WRONG! lol

 

My sentiments exactly.

 

Something's happened with people in current society where we have this collective personality disorder -- don't ever show you're NEEDY, and yet people seem more dependent on various external props than ever. You don't need to do much to be branded with the label, usually by people who have the most problems with bonding of all. It's just a pop cliche now, with phobic overtones.

 

Once was a day where the most romantic, climactic scene of the movie was the man seizing the woman and saying, "COME HOME, I NEED YOU." That's not romantic anymore. It brings up a gag response these days.

 

This is a no-brainer. There is absolutely nothing in those examples you gave that remotely resembles "needy", as in "dysfunctionally dependent." Completely normal. In the case of his going to dinner with you at your parents', I just see that one as a matter of wanting confirmation, so it's not even an emotional issue, it's a practical one. And what would love be without missing your partner, wanting them to be there when you've had a bad day, and looking forward to seeing them? Eradicate those feelings, and you've pretty much eradicated anything other than a neutrality towards someone.

 

I don't think feelings cross over into needy until you have no other resources and rely solely or disproportionally upon that person, and become demanding. I don't even think it's needy to want to process the difficult issues in your life with the person closest to you. As long as you have other avenues as well, other friends, other means of comfort, and also have an ability to cope if you had to on your own, you're fine. I think you have all those things in place.

 

I also think, along the lines of being irked at the universally pejorative connotation of "needy", that sometimes it's okay to express need. It's not always a bad thing. When someone's life becomes integrated with yours and a strong bond is formed, at times you may in fact need them. That's not a crime. As I said, it's all about balance.

 

This is still residuals from your ex, for sure. Who I don't think you were needy with either. I just don't see you as a needy person.

[Batya33]

My sense is you're extra concerned about being needy because of how he betrayed your trust a few months ago - that made you feel too vulnerable/off balance and now there's a part of you that's walking on egg shells a bit because of concern that he might look elsewhere (I am not saying you should be concerned, I am just sensing that that is the path your mind takes and you then worry that you're overreacting. Give yourself time to get over what he did and he should understand if indeed you are a bit needy at times. I don't think you are from what you described, just saying.