GF want to move for career advances - i dont want to leave

[Dial595Escape]

My GF has been looking for a new job since she's been underemployed for the last couple years. She's been looking for long-term permanent jobs that would give her a 60-70% increase in wage but would require her to move between 100km and 4000km, depending on the specific opportunity. 4000km to a another major city in the country - or, 100km to a city with 1/25th the population.

 

For her, leaving family behind would be hard still - but the salary increase is worth it, she's not too concerned about "where" in the world she lives.

 

I am. I think I live in the best city on the planet. I'm not being offered the same career opportunity as her - and I'll likely be back peddling the last 5 years of work if I travel with her. Moreso moving to the smaller town.

 

Neither of us drive, we're used to being within 30minutes walking distance of the downtown core. Even though 100km is close - 80km of that is a ferry ride.

 

I don't want to break up with her but I don't want to sacrifice my situation and financial future because she doesn't think there's jobs in this city. If she can find one in a town with 80,000 - she can find one in a town with 2 million.

 

We've been living together for 2 years - dating for 3. There's been consistent talk of marraige and buying a home together. I just never thought the cost to do so would be so high.

 

Am I missing something?

[mhowe]

What are your ages, and your respective "career paths"...ie...what industries?

[rollingalong]

You sound like my ex. I have to leave for school, and he was set on staying here. He has his career, and his "fun" here. He could not imagine living were I have to go. So I would bring it up, and he was pretty set on staying here. He would get very defensive and Nangry when we would discuss it, so I felt like our communication started to take a hit. Listenng to his words and seeing that "staying" was more important to him after all the future and marriage blabber that canme out of his mouth, with time it made me realize that I wasn't as important as I was led to believe. This caused a lot of distance on my part. So, if you really love her and she really loves you, you will some how figure it out.

 

Personally, I couldn't do the long distance as there were reasons I felt this way, so that also made things worse.

Is se set on leaving? Have you two talked about it a lot? Either she is using this as a way out of the relationshipShes not really receptive to how you're feeling) or she is miserable where she's at and needs to do this for herself if she wants to make something of her life....maybe she wants to sew how serious you are about her. Yeah, it can be selfish, but if it a meant to be you two will find away for both of you to be happy.

 

 

(Sorry about the typos....on my phone and can't seem to fix them on here)

[Lonewing]

You will either go with her, or you will break up, because she's going whether you like it or not.

 

Welcome to "my way or the highway"...

[tattoobunnie]

She's been looking for years! If you really loved her, I would at least ask around if there are opportunities to where she's looking as well. Heck, you may not think she's the one. Now if you're married, you go where the money goes. My hubby moved three hours away to where I am, cuz of my companies. You haven't proposed, you're not married, she has zero reason to actually stay. Talk is cheap.

[Unreasonable]

Do NOT move to a smaller town for a job opportunity. It is very easy to get trapped in those situations because less people = less jobs. Unless this job is just the absolute Mecca of whatever field she's interested in.

 

I've been there. Moved to a smaller town because I wanted to advance my career. Well, I lost my job due to some very unfortunate circumstances and, as this place was a VERY good town to be poor in, I didn't escape it for 8 years.

 

If it's all about job opportunities, imho you should never move more than an hour's commute to a large city.

[jjkibs]

Usually small towns are a sacrifice in pay for one and an increase for another, maybe you should explain that. Then again if she is the breadwinner she may have a logical argument for moving to the smaller city.

 

This might sound far fetched, but if you two were married the discussion would be much simpler..."What's our cumulative salary and cost of living here vs. our cumulative salary and cost of living there? Whichever is higher is where we need to stay, it doesn't matter who has the better job." The problem is being a financially separated couple vs. sharing the same bank account keeps you two from having that discussion now. She is probably telling herself, "no telling if he will be with me forever since he hasn't made that move yet, so it's in my best interest to get the highest paying job I can so I can eventually provide for myself if that occurs." Also is the job a lateral move and just an increase in pay for her? Then this is even more likely what is going on since a resume reflects experience and not pay, making a lateral move is no *advancement* in career regardless of advancement in pay.

 

I'm not saying the solution is to marry her, especially if you don't want to, but again her logic is sound here. You guys don't get married and split one day and she is definitely going to wish she made this job move. Think about it, don't you think you would wish the same for yourself?

[tattoobunnie]

I agree about the married part. If you were married, she'd have some level of confidence to stay - but since you're not, you can drop her like rock, and she'd be stuck with no work, and no savings.

[Lonewing]

This is 2013. It's more like, she can drop HIM like a rock...