How have you changed?

[alli]

So, I just started posting here this week after a couple years of a break. I stopped posting because it's kind of addicting. I used to have the time for it but I've been in school the past couple years since returning from my deployment so I went cold turkey since school has been so intense. And school is starting again on Monday, so I'm not sure how much I will be on here for a while again.

 

I looked through some of my old threads and it made me realize how much your perspective can change. When I look back on my deployment, I think of all the good times I had with my team and the few mundane responsibilities I had (ie, no cooking, no cleaning, no laundry, no driving to work, etc). I think about how we purposely freaked out our boss by pretending to be hiding a monkey (which was hilarious, by the way), or the Green Bean Coffee we all pretended to love but really just tried to suppress the knowledge of their frequent rat infestations. I think of my medical evacuation from Afghanistan as my low point. I was so freaking depressed that I was so close to finishing with my deployment and was forced to leave just weeks before the end. Plus, dealing with discovering a disorder I will have for the rest of my life and imagining what it's impact will be. But then I see some of the threads I made when I was in Afghanistan and I was NOT a happy camper there either. It's just funny that I don't remember feeling that negative when I was there, but I was. If someone else posted now the things I wrote and I wanted to give them advice, I'd probably tell them to seek professional help. I never, ever want to be in that place mentally again.

 

Anyway, I'm happy to say that the past year has treated me very well. The first year home was rough but it has only gotten better since then. I try to take time to enjoy life through all the stressors these days. We shall see if I can keep that up though. I'm starting my first year in pharmacy school (the past two years were pre-pharmacy) this fall.

 

Anyway, I guess my point is that sometimes it's nice to look retrospectively on your posts from the past and see how you have changed since then. I think it can help gain a perspective of yourself. I didn't realize what a dark, rainy cloud I was until now and it makes me feel better now because I don't think I'm that anymore. ENA is like a diary all these years that you never even realized you were keeping.

[TheD87]

Posting here has definitely made me realize I have some issues with insecurity, and showed me how while in my mind I was dealing with two crazy people in the two girls I have dated since starting here (still think one was crazy), my actions caused a lot of the issues. The last girl I scared off and realize it was mostly my fault and hopefully next time I meet someone I like as much as her, I don't screw it up with the same problems posting here helped me realize that I have.

[hey jo]

Reading this made me actually look back at my previous posts. I've been on a long ENA hiatus (last post was two years ago) and I joined this forum in '06 when I was utterly depressed about life and didn't find a reason to be happy and excited at all. I went from depressed, to full of hope, to that hiatus (I was happy then), to possibly needing some hope and reassurance with life, but nevertheless grateful for what I have now.

 

If I were to write to my 20 year old self (when I joined ENA) I would tell me to just hang in there because life will get better for me and that right after the saddest moments of my life will come my greatest joys and I will realise that I was never alone all along.

[emma34]

I have been on ENA for so long...looking back I realize that so much of my life's problems were from boys...eventually I figured that out and now my mind is more focused on personal growth and career...i suppose that's maturity, i wish i hadn't wasted so much of my life worrying about relationships...especially at such a young age.

[savignon]

I have grown in realizing I put other people's BS ahead of my own agenda a lot of times. I had a big "very proud of myself" moment yesterday with my ex husband and just really, truly wish for him that he finds his happiness and that our daughter reaps the benefits of 2 loving parents plus whoever else enters the picture for each of us. I would not have thought a year ago or earler that I'd ever be so peacefully, happily divorced.

Good idea for a thread!!

[blueidealist24]

I have been on ENA for so long...looking back I realize that so much of my life's problems were from boys...eventually I figured that out and now my mind is more focused on personal growth and career...i suppose that's maturity, i wish i hadn't wasted so much of my life worrying about relationships...especially at such a young age.

 

I find that too, even looking back on my threads from a short time ago, like 2011. I sometimes sound like an obsessed stalker in them!

[alli]

I find that too, even looking back on my threads from a short time ago, like 2011. I sometimes sound like an obsessed stalker in them!

 

I know; it's funny how it's so easy for us to see what a person should do sometimes when we see another person's problem, but so hard to gain perspective when we have our own problems!

[Seraphim]

What I have learned in the past year through therapy.

 

Top of the list and numero uno....

*****1***** I have A LOT of inner peace now that I do not remember in my life before EVER. That is incredibly important. I am a far far FAR less angry person.

2. I have learned to validate MYSELF, I no longer need anyone else to do this. Appreciation is nice. My family acknowledging mistakes and wrong doing is nice and very much appreciated but no longer necessary.

Those two points alone are incredibly monumental and an enormous leap forward. It really speaks to my emotional intelligence that I mastered them very quickly.

 

3. I have learned proper boundaries. I know what is my own "stuff" and what is someone else's. I no longer need to take on anyone's baggage or anyone else's pain. I can hand it back. I can choose not to pick it up.

 

4. I have learned I CAN indeed stand without my mother. I do not NEED her.

 

5. I, me, L, has control over my life. I have empowered myself.

 

6. I can affect my environment and choose how people treat me.

 

7. I can choose to not let what other people say affect me unless it is done with good intent and I will learn from it. So.........learn what is constructive criticism and what is not and act accordingly

 

8. It does not matter if people leave me. Will it hurt? Sure. But I am the same person without them too and someone else will ALWAYS come along.

 

9. I CAN affect my panic attacks. I CAN resolve them. I have my own skills and I CAN RELY ON ME!!!

 

10. I have learned to distinguish all the different emotions that span the emotional range and where I feel them in my body.

 

11. I have learned to get in touch with my physical person again.

 

12. I can now envision my inner child. She is no longer cut off from me and lost. We are the same person again.

[Tanzi]

I have grown in realizing I put other people's BS ahead of my own agenda a lot of times. I had a big "very proud of myself" moment yesterday with my ex husband and just really, truly wish for him that he finds his happiness and that our daughter reaps the benefits of 2 loving parents plus whoever else enters the picture for each of us. I would not have thought a year ago or earler that I'd ever be so peacefully, happily divorced.

Good idea for a thread!!

 

I wish I could say that I have grown since being a member here but I'm not sure I have. I've learnt lots, I have to say, but I still stumble blindly through my own break-ups. I get there in the end but I'm not sure how I'm going through my toughest break-up yet (and I say that having gone through a divorce after my husband cheated on me) but I knew when I started out in this relationship it had no future and that it was going to end painfully. Will I ever learn?

[blueidealist24]

I know; it's funny how it's so easy for us to see what a person should do sometimes when we see another person's problem, but so hard to gain perspective when we have our own problems!

 

I find the people on here have given me excellent dating advice (dating has always been one thing I've been sort of clueless about). However, I've found that some of the career advice I've received from people has been inaccurate. Sometimes I think it's because I don't provide enough of a background story. Lately though, I haven't been asking for advice and have just been trying to make up my own mind. It's worked ok so far.