Should I go back to Ex-fiance?

[Kylie_1980]

My ex-fiance had a relationship for close to 7 years, engaged for the last three. I broke up with him because I finally had it with his verbal abuse each time he got angry at me, and also his cheating (3 times with the same girl). I still care a lot for him but I honestly feel that for the last 2 years, I have been dragging this relationship along. I have promised to forgive him but one day, I woke up and realize that this isn't the man I want to marry as I no longer trust him to respect me.

 

We broke up six months ago and he still calls to beg me to go back to him. He became very involved in church activities and he said he tried but all other girls fall short of me and he is at the point where he is willing to do ANYTHING to win me back. He said he realizes his mistakes and that he will accept me for who I truly am and he will be the man for me- that I am his one true love. He told me to give him another chance to prove himself. My reply was that he should move on and in future, if we are meant to be, we will be. If not, then at least we hadn't live our lives for someone else. He said he was willing to suffer because I was worth it. He was really distraught and distressed and I worry heaps. Yet, I know at the back of my mind that he had tried to change many times in the past but his anger and weaknesses will always creep back to an issue for me. I can;t accept that. I just don;t know if I should believe that he will love me truly and go back to him.

 

Another reason is that I met someone else and we are having a great time together. I also know that I have reached the stage where I can truly say I really do love him. I want to explore that further and yet, I don't know if I am selling myself short by not going back to my ex. who seemed like he is truly remorseful and he truly loves me. My current squeeze loves me too but our love is new and not as passionate or intense. For once I don't have a guy who is dependent and controlling and I feel unloved... I feel like if I broke up with him he wouldn't do anything to fight for me. I don't know... maybe in my heart, I'm just one selfish woman.

 

I don't know what to do, I hate letting any of them down. I know I have been truthful all along to both of them but I also know I cannot keep vaciliating anymore. I'm always thinking about regretting breaking up with my ex... and hoping he will change. Now this seem like he has but I have feelings for somoen else. I don't know. What should I do? I am freaking myself out as well... I jsut don't want to make a mistake and hurt someone needlessly.

 

Kylie

[SuperDave71]

Kylie,

 

 

 

You have answered your own question. Why would you want to put your hand on the hot eye of a stove again? Do you like being abused mentally? Do you enjoy watching your ex cheat on you 3 times? YOu said you like ( love) this new guy. I know its not passionate, yet give the guy a chance. I do believe the old finance' is sorry. I really do. Remember "Actions speak louder than words." If he had cheated once and learned his lesson...maybe I could understand a bit more...BUT 3 times? He did it and didn't care about you.

It sounds as if he NEEDS someone like you back because there isn't anyone else in the picture. Sorry if that was harsh. I am sureyou were incredible to him yet he took you for granted not once..not twice...but 3 times. Let him go to church...let him learn what true love is. He may or may not learn yet there is not need to waste time on someone who diesn't love and respect themselves.

 

 

-SuperDave71

[cassiana]

I say stick with the new guy and leave your ex in the past. He cheated on you three times with the same woman. Don't believe his apologies.

Fool me once,shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Stick with the new guy. People often confuse anger with passion. I would rather have respect and love. That's what will keep you warm until you are eighty, not some cheating slime. By the way every con in prison finds religion, it sits well with the parole board.

[Kylie_1980]

I yelled at him over the phone to talk over him so he couldn't do any manipulating verbal stunts on me, like before. He then tearfully told me not to think of him as a monster. I don't think he is a monster, just misguided. And I sorta thought that I have to be the one to save him from his dysfunctional family (his mom and dad split and his mom keep threatening suicide everytime she snapped. She is also incredibly irresponsible and selfish. Just stating facts as it is). The thing is, I was his everything and now he has no one, I feel extremely guilty. I can imagine him feeling really alone, in his room, crying each night like he told me he did. It hurts me deep inside but there's nothing I can do...

 

I think I am also to be blamed because I allow myself to be treated like a doormat. I do not stand up for myself- or I used to and then I started giving him because I cannot stand the angry tirades. This behaviour has seeped into my current relationship with my new boyfriend sometimes demanding I oppose him and tell him to "suck it up" whenever he whines or was rude to me. I don't know, I just want to lie down and not face the world... it's hard, knowing that you have done something to make someone you do care about so sad- whether they deserved it or not.

[cassiana]

While its not good to be a doormat I think its alot worse when someone sees a doormat and wipes their feet on them. They could choose not to couldn't they. Just in the same way that I see someone with their wallet hanging out of their bag and I could steal it or I could warn them. I think you are even being more of a doormat by accepting more blame than you deserve. Don't feel guilty at his weeping, crocodile tears of the serial cheater. Stay with the new guy. Why is it always the squeaky wheel that gets the oil?

[Kylie_1980]

This is my first time to these boards... and I'm so thankful for all your support.

 

I wish I am strong like the both of you were (sounding from your advice) and I think I am going to be in future. Right now, I'm concentrating on meeting him face to face to tell him once and for all we are over, lay it on the ground for me. Then have my dad send him home.

 

The only problem is that I have sneaking suspicion that he might be suicidal coz he threatened me before. He told me he would never threaten me that way again... but I am afraid a strong blow will revert him to his old ways.

 

Still, I owe him the truth. I hope I won't be too harsh. My friends told me whatever he choose to do with his life is his business. I have to live mine.

 

 

Thanks everyone.

[rnorth]

My current squeeze loves me too but our love is new and not as passionate or intense. For once I don't have a guy who is dependent and controlling and I feel unloved... I feel like if I broke up with him he wouldn't do anything to fight for me. I don't know... maybe in my heart, I'm just one selfish woman.

 

That is called co-dependency. I would recommend seeing a counselor who may be able to help you straighten out your perspective on what is a healty relationship.

 

Your new guy is not controlling because he respects you. This is something to appreciate and celebrate, not fear.

[Belle]

before I even read rnorth's post I was going to say the very thing. It sounds like you are codependent. Your definition of love is closer to the intense "care taking" involved with your ex that consumes all but is very unhealthy in the long run. That is not real love. It's a dependency. I urge you to read up on it at the very least. I went through that when I was in my early 20's (had been through 2 extremely abusive relationships with "fixer uppers" both alcoholic). When I started looking for healthier guys I must admit that it never felt that intense but it felt warmer, more real, and much much safer. I now equate intensity with unreality. It has never turned out well when it was too intense for me.

 

best of luck,

 

belle

[Kylie_1980]

The only bit truly worrying me now is the suicide option he might threaten or even go for if I'm too heartless and initiate something like a no contact thing. If someone have been through or witnessed a similar situation like mine before, please let me know how best to handle emotionally unstable people. And he wrote me a an email saying that he was going to fly over and see me. I told him not to come over coz there's nothing that can be done to salvage- he had too many chances in the past. We had taken heaps of "relationship" breaks with him always reaching some sort of enlightenment about his disrespectfulness and temper but they never amount up to anything. In a good relationship- you shouldn't have to change anyone, right? I believe that I don't want to change him- flaws and all. He has to reach those decisions by himself. Anyway, I have decided that from now, I want no part in it. And I won't answer his emails anymore.

 

I read about co-dependency before and yes, I notice trends like that in myself. I don't know if it's because of my background but yes, i may just talk to a counselor like what some of you suggested. I really want a healthy relationship that will last.

 

Kylie

[cassiana]

My friend's fiance committed suicide. He had it planned for months. They had a five year old child together. He kept boasting that he and Elvis had something in common. No-one knew what he meant. He meant that he was going to die on the day Elvis died. He cheated on her repeatedly. He left his son fatherless. The point i'm making is that there are many about blaming themselves in actual fact it was his decision. Nothing anyone could have done would have saved him. If you give up your happiness to stop him killing himself, he would do it anyway.

Also there is a world of difference between those who genuinely attempt suicide, those who do it as a cry for help and those who threaten it to manipulate others. Which category is your guy in? Be careful, unstable people can be dangerous to others.