For how long do you think of your ex especially after a Long term relation?

[SooSad33]

To those who have either dumped or chose to persue another partner...And those who have been in a 'rebound' relationship.

Have you gone and jumped into another relation too fast and regret it? Have you felt sadness over leaving your ex within weeks or months later?

 

Did you end up contacting your ex again at all? Call them or go see them?

 

If an ex is doing things like this, could it mean they aren't over what they had and are showing

some 'confusion' still?

If they are in a 'new relationship' and acting out towards their ex after a few months, would this mean they are 'not so happy' with the new relationship-- or just going thru withdrawl of their past ltr?

 

I'm confused with what my ex is doing/feeling, when he's been showing little more 'attention' my way over last couple of weeks, even though he's now in a new relation.

Why was he texting me more or calling and then just show up here one night, last week... like WHY?

he said he wanted to stop in, after his meeting and see 'how I was'.

 

Anyone out there act this way with their ex's before? If you have, why did you?

Were you just missing them? Curious as to what they were doing? Actually concerned for them?

OR.. just a hard habbit to break?

 

I know he does still have feelings for me. That's normal- it was a ltr.

I just don't want to take any of this 'behaviour' the wrong way if it doesn't mean much.. ty

[sadchick83]

Ive never done it to someone--but have had it done to me.

 

You are accepting breadcrumbs here. More than likely your ex is feeding his ego. Why is he doing it you ask??

 

Because he can.

 

Stop allowing it. He is with someone else. He is not rebounding, so stop getting your hopes up. Being in a relationship with someone else trumps his feelings for you. Cut off contact, love yourself, heal and move on.

[SooSad33]

I sent him a text cpl days ago pretty much saying 'Goodbye'.

I said ty for your patience (cause I did occasional text when i was weak), Goodbye and will miss you.

 

I guess that'll sink in soon enough, that I won't be bothering him anymore. Odd how he always seemed to accept any interactions we had. Kinda like he was happy to hear from me.

So that's all breadcrumbs,, you call it? Wow.

 

Wonder if he'll feel a 'bit sad' that I have finally said goodbye his way? heck it hurts me, big time to lose HIM and everything we had for last 5 years!

[SooSad33]

What do you mean 'trumps his feelings'?

 

So, coming by here, last week was another ..'nothing'?

[iam42]

if your ex knows you are in this much pain and having such a hard time wrapping your head around the breakup, he's likely contacting you out of guilt and/or pity.

 

I know that a life without this man is too big and scary to even begin to conceive of. still, I think it would be so good for you to begin to take small baby steps into a life that is heading in another direction. everyone here knows the shock, devastation, bewilderment, pain that has gripped you. but eventually we have all entered into the processing healing by feeling that we deserved an end to our suffering. that is what you have to connect with - the you who loves you.

[sadchick83]

I was always a fan of simply disappearing rather than telling a person "Goodbye," or "Don't contact me." However, do what makes you feel good at this point.

 

Of course it hurts, it hurts like hell, but you have to believe me when I say there are other potential partners out there. The more you have healed and value yourself, the greater the likelihood of you finding someone far better than your ex. A relationship should be fun and effortless most of the time. You don't sound like you are having fun, so end it!

 

Wake up tomorrow with a new positive frequency. And yes, if he were to see you happy and with a better person down the road there is a slim chance you might tweak an emotional nerve in him, but who cares? You will be happy and that's all that matters!

[sadchick83]

By "trump" I mean his priorities are in his new relationship.

[sadchick83]

Yes it was nothing if he is with someone else. I agree with iam42. It might just be pity or guilt.

 

You deserve someone's love and respect, not their pity.

[SooSad33]

I thought a rebound is a relationship you 'jump into' right away again, before you've had any chance to deal with your last, long term relation.

This is where the person is still emotionally attached to their ex ( I'd say he still is slightly attached to me, if he's called, texting and came here last week.. no?).

Also where they haven't had time to process anything they just came out of.

 

Especially after a long-term, you'd think mentally, anyone needs some time to deal with what they've just been through and involved in for the last few years of their life...

If they haven't, then they cannot go on 'fully' and give themselves whole or properly to the next person.

[sharky988]

He met this woman while you were still together, cheated on you with her, then left you for her..... he probably feels EXTREMELY guilty and responsible for your suffering, which is why he's stayed in contact and worries about how you're doing.

 

By sending him a text that says in effect "I won't be bothering him anymore" you're also clearly playing the sympathy card with him, making him feel even worse.

 

But guilt and pity don't equal ATTRACTION. He feels sorry for you and for what he did to you, he probably does miss aspects of your relationship and feels a kind of "love" for you, but he's not "in love" anymore.

 

The cold hard truth is: he's cheated on you and chosen to be with this other woman instead of being with you. I know how bad it feels, the same thing happened to me!

[sharky988]

That was not a rebound relationship. A rebound is when someone gets into a new relationship very soon after ending a relationship. He cheated on you, he started this new relationship while you were still together.

[SooSad33]

Maybe I am 'living on anything'? A few weeks ago, he sent me a text saying he 'misses me too' and then 4 days later, he called me, we spoke for a few minutes. he said he still wanted to come by & help me out around the house- i said no need but thnx-.

Then before we hung up, he said ' I still love you'. Which kinda caught me off guard. As did his showing up here.

I do agree with you's though. Fact is, he is seeing someone else, so I have to ignore all of these other factors and think nothing of them?

...accept maybe an act of pitty.. k

[sharky988]

Yes, he feels guilty for what he's done -- and he should feel guilty!

 

He feels "love" for you, he's just not "in love" anymore. He wants you to know he cares, he's trying to make you feel better.

 

It's very good that you've started NC. Please try to stick to this so you can start to recover from the trauma of what's just happened to you. You really are still in shock, which is completely natural. But it's important to accept this new relationship of his is real, it's not just a rebound, and that this new relationship is where he wants to be now.

[SooSad33]

Yes- I kind of 'pushed him out the door'. "Was forced to, when i figured what was going on.

 

For how long, sharky, have they now been together?

[sadchick83]

Never speak to this guy again. He does not love you if he is with someone else. Seriously, cut him out of your life and in a short time you will be thanking yourself you did so.

 

Almost everyone on this forum has gone through what you are going through, existing on a text, a few kind words.. complete garbage!

 

How about dinner and monogamy?!?!?!?

 

Have your last cry today and forget this manipulator. You will never have a good relationship accepting this little from a man.

[sharky988]

Yes- I kind of 'pushed him out the door'. "Was forced to, when i figured what was going on.

 

For how long, sharky, have they now been together?

 

 

Do you mean, how long has my ex been with the woman he cheated on me with?

 

I have no idea if they're still together because I went NC immediately and blocked him on Facebook so I could never see what was happening between them.

 

It's been 10 months since the breakup -- and while he's contacted me a few times to apologize and say how sorry he is, and to say how much he misses having me in his life, he's never tried to get back together.

 

At this point, it doesn't matter because even if he did I wouldn't take him back. I deserve better -- AND SO DO YOU!

[SooSad33]

I see, and how long were you with him?

[sharky988]

Listen, I've been through a 20 year marriage. I can tell you that I went skipping into my next relationship mere months after that ended and to this day I've never regretted it nor considered that relationship to be a rebound! It was real to me, as real as any relationship I've ever had.

 

Stop clinging to scraps -- people are cheated on and broken up with all the time. People in 30 year marriages get dumped for someone else! This happens. Your situation is painful, but it's not unique. Please try to accept that, it's going to make it easier for you put the focus back where it belongs: on YOU, on YOUR healing, on feeling better.

 

Have you read the breakup guide in my signature line? If not, I highly recommend it!

[SooSad33]

Yes- but did you keep contact with your ex when you 'moved on'?

This is what gets me- i guess you call 'breadcrumbs'?

That he does these things... but he is apparently with another gal now? So, why come and see me at all?

Why text me for a week?

I find a lil odd is all.. Cause i think, IF I was 'happy' in a 'new' relationship, don't think i'd be rolling back to keep

in contact with my ex of 2-3 months.. ?

[SooSad33]

Like you guys are saying.. guess i'll accept it all as 'breadcrumbs' and leave it.

[sharky988]

If he wasn't happy in his new relationship, if he wanted to get back together with you....... he'd end it and get back together with you. But he's not doing that.

 

Instead, he's giving you breadcrumbs to ease his guilt about what he's done and to try to make you feel better. That's all. Nothing more.

 

IF he didn't want to be with this other woman, he wouldn't be with her. Nothing is forcing him to stay with her. He's with her because he wants to be with her!

 

(And yes, I stayed in contact with my ex of 20 years because we have a son together, so NC was never an option.)

[tadpole3]

He also could be throwing breadcrumbs not out of guilt but because he wants to string you along. Why? Because he's a lying cheating megalomaniac. You and I don't understand that behavior because we are normal, kind-hearted people. It IS frustrating soosad, because you want it to mean something, because you miss him and you hope. If you want an objective view of what he is doing, watch the movie "The Holiday". It is how Jasper treated Iris. He didn't love her, but he knew she loved him and instead of being decent, he abused this love. Its a great scene where she realizes it and lets him go. Stay strong and find someone worthy of you!

[iam42]

it doesn't matter why your ex is in touch with you, or what he thinks ultimately. all that matters is you!

 

YOU deserve an end to your suffering. YOU have to decide (short of having your ex back) what it will take to get through the day without breaking down. YOU have to decide what will help you sleep, smile, breathe deeply, feel motivated to wake up in the morning. YOU have to find within you the love for you. only then will you experience any reduction in your incredible hurt.

[goodheartlady]

If someone has made the decision to be in a relationship with another person (ie not with you), he no longer loves or misses you.

I think it is time to ask yourself "how long will it be until I get the message and reach acceptance?" This is the right question to ask yourself at this stage.

Good Luck - I hope your next posting would be about moving on and actively planing your new life.