Confused as to what attracts women, so many contradictions

[radiohead20]

There seem to be SO SO many contradictions on what attracts women it makes my head spin.

 

People say that being shy will prevent you from attracting girls and that is the reason why many men who are shy have not found anyone. Yet, I see girls making threads on this forum about falling for guys who are quiet/strange! and I thought every dating coach preaches that you have to be smooth/extroverted/social!

 

 

girls say looks don't matter yet whenever I hit on a girl that is at least "attractive" or "pretty", as objectively as you can put it, I never get them to actually up with me for a date. Then I will see them swooning after some guy who has A LOT less going for them than myself but is very good looking.

[Edmund Exley]

Every woman is different, so that's probably what is causing your confusion.

[Scoe141]

I understand your frustrations man. I wouldn't look at is, why are there "so many contradictions on what attracts women.." Instead, you need to look at it as, "Ok she wasn't for me." If they all were attracted to you, then where would leave the rest of us? Ya know? I don't know what you're looking for, but if it's a lifelong partner, just be patient. She's out there for you. And when you meet her, you're going to remember this thread and all of the women that said no. And it will all make sense.

 

Dont lose the faith. Hang in there.

[Kendahke]

There seem to be SO SO many contradictions on what attracts women it makes my head spin.

 

People say that being shy will prevent you from attracting girls and that is the reason why many men who are shy have not found anyone. Yet, I see girls making threads on this forum about falling for guys who are quiet/strange! and I thought every dating coach preaches that you have to be smooth/extroverted/social!

 

 

girls say looks don't matter yet whenever I hit on a girl that is at least "attractive" or "pretty", as objectively as you can put it, I never get them to actually up with me for a date. Then I will see them swooning after some guy who has A LOT less going for them than myself but is very good looking.

 

maybe if you stopped looking at them as a commodity or a goal to acquire, and instead appeal to their individuality, you'd have more success.

 

Also understand--you're not owed interest in a woman just because you have interest in them. They do have a right to their preferences, as all people do.

[laninaperdida]

Ideals DEFINITELY matter.

You feel much more feminine standing next to a tall guy than you do a shrimp...

Snuggling next to muscle is more of a turn on than getting lost in a gut...

Straight teeth make for a more kissable mouth than crooked ones...

(I'm not talking about extremes as in a 7 foot guy vs a 5 foot 1 guy... I'm talking IDEALS.)

You just gotta find a method that works for you that's true to yourself.

The guy who has girls swooning over him probably has much more gameas compensation for not having a good job or whatever.

Don't obsess about it... Just live.

[Edmund Exley]

Ideals DEFINITELY matter.

You feel much more feminine standing next to a tall guy than you do a shrimp...

Snuggling next to muscle is more of a turn on than getting lost in a gut...

Straight teeth make for a more kissable mouth than crooked ones...

(I'm not talking about extremes as in a 7 foot guy vs a 5 foot 1 guy... I'm talking IDEALS.)

You just gotta find a method that works for you that's true to yourself.

The guy who has girls swooning over him probably has much more gameas compensation for not having a good job or whatever.

Don't obsess about it... Just live.

 

Sadly you also have to know your target. Not everyone gets a supermodel or a star QB. Its just a sad reality, and if you are constantly shooting over your head you will constantly miss. Unless of course you have some solid game, which few really have.

[shes2smart]

I thought every dating coach preaches that you have to be smooth/extroverted/social!

 

Because, of course, "dating coaches" are in it because they genuinely want to help people.....not at all because they're trying to make money by taking advantage of the semi-desperate. People wouldn't actually prey on others' weaknesses and insecurities for cash, would they?

 

The first reply to your post is the most accurate answer. We're all different. Just like men. We all find different things attractive.

 

M'self, I love a man with a smart ass mouth who can keep up trading verbal barbs with me. That same guy would (and probably has) send some other women away crying.

 

Try dealing with specific individuals in front of you (male or female) and not groups.

[Edmund Exley]

Because, of course, "dating coaches" are in it because they genuinely want to help people.....not at all because they're trying to make money by taking advantage of the semi-desperate. People wouldn't actually prey on others' weaknesses and insecurities for cash, would they?

 

They also never write ebooks that you can buy for only $29.95 telling you how they can guarantee you a way to get your ex back. Wish I had come up with that scam.

[Sparklesong]

One size does not fit all. You shouldn't be trying to "attract women". You should be the best person you can be, or rather, be the person YOU like being the best and let the women who are attracted to THAT guy come forward.

 

No charge

[Deciduous]

Hello radiohead,

 

 

Sorry to burst your bubble. But it seems looks do matter. People generally hook-up with people who are at the same level of attractiveness as themselves. With all other things being equal. (Although it isn't PC to state this fact aloud)

 

Exceptions; if you a tubby average looking hollywood star, you can successfully bat your way out of your league and be very, very successful. And yes it is true that women can rate power and social status over looks when picking a mate. The percentage of this occurrence is much lower with Men picking Women. Statistically speaking Men rate looks and level and sexual attractiveness over any other common denominator.

 

This doesn't make them evil or shallow. It just means that we are much closer to our animal ancestory than any of us would like to admit.

 

For the rest of us; Ryan Renolds looks = Scarlett Johannson looks or Blake Lively. They do not equal Meliss McCarthy. No matter how much they have in common at an emotional, spiritual and mental level.

 

Think about it yourself. There are women who you are not sexually atracted to either, so it's not something with which you are unfamiliar.

 

From time to time you will meet couples in real life who have vastly differing levels of perceived social attractiveness. But socialogical research as shown us that this is not the norm. And they usually have an overwhelming compatibility with the markers mention in the article below. Essentially it is a balancing act between these markers. With level of physical attractivness being one of the top and most common considerations.

 

And yes I know we can all point to examples, where on the surface, physcial attributes aren't the first consideration; Hugh Jackman and Deborra-Lee Furness.

 

In regards to being quiet and strange, you can get away with this as long, as your looks and social status are roughly equal to the person you are pursuing and you are reasonably confident And those are the key words.

 

Reasonably confident.

 

We all have facets of our personality that we don't really like. Nobody, apart from Narcissts like themselves 100%. It's okay to be a work in progess. But if you have a burning hatred for yourself, then it's going to be hard to attract all who is more or less okay with who she is.

 

You don't need to have James Bond looks and levels of confidence, but if you spend your time indicating to a chick (through non-verbal clues) that you don't feel you are worthy of her, then that is not going to be sexually attractive. Even with all other things being equal.

 

 

Here is some additional information on the subject from Sparknotes: Social Psychology link removed

Many factors influence whom people are attracted to. They include physical attractiveness, proximity, similarity, and reciprocity

 

Physical attractiveness Research shows that romantic attraction is primarily determined by physical attractiveness. In the early stages of dating, people are more attracted to partners whom they consider to be physically attractive. Men are more likely to value physical attractiveness than are women.

 

People’s perception of their own physical attractiveness also plays a role in romantic love. The matching hypothesis proposes that people tend to pick partners who are about equal in level of attractiveness to themselves.

 

Proximity People are more likely to become friends with people who are geographically close. One explanation for this is the mere exposure effect. The mere exposure effect refers to people’s tendency to like novel stimuli more if they encounter them repeatedly.

 

Similarity People also tend to pick partners who are similar to themselves in characteristics such as age, race, religion, social class, personality, education, intelligence, and attitude.

 

This similarity is seen not only between romantic partners but also between friends. Some researchers have suggested that similarity causes attraction. Others acknowledge that people may be more likely to have friends and partners who are similar to themselves simply because of accessibility: people are more likely to associate with people who are similar to themselves.

 

Reciprocity People tend to like others who reciprocate their liking.

Hope this helps

 

Deci

[radiohead20]

Crap. Does this mean I am unattractive?

 

Sting. Burn. Ouch. FML.

[shes2smart]

Crap. Does this mean I am unattractive?

 

Sting. Burn. Ouch. FML.

 

Depending on who is judging and what standards of beauty/attractiveness they are using, we are all butt-ugly to someone.

 

The other side of that coin is what any individual finds attractive is variable and highly subjective....so somewhere, there's someone who thinks that 3rd hand growing out of the center of your forehead is cute.

 

My husband thinks I'm the hottest woman on the planet. There are plenty of men who would disagree with him. Some would vehemently disagree with him. I've met some who've told me to my face they disagree with him. Hell, even *I* disagree with him on that point at times.

 

So looks matter....so what? So do a lot of other things.

 

He could be the prettiest man in the room, but if he opens his mouth and idiocy falls out, it's going to be, "Honey...could ya just stand over on the other side of the room so I can admire you from afar?"

[Thorshammer]

Yes, they are certain things certain women look for. But, you cant force these things - if you force them- it becomes game. If you read up on the break up forums you will realize that most breakups caused by women - are because they lost attraction - and its usually comes from the change of a mans behavior (jealousy, controlling, insecure, he got comfortable when he was otherwise more outgoing). The key thing for me was to always focus on my positive traits, and eliminate what women find unattractive - this isnt game, because ususally what women find unattractive is unhealthy for men anyway.

 

Women, since they are human, can and do focus on the physical. But, i have seen it time and time again- they can find behavior or qualities linked to certain behaviors- very attractive- especially with men. You wont find many men bragging about how funny, confident or successful their women is as much as women say about their bf- not that it doesnt matter, but its a pretty common theme.

 

There are certain gender polarities involved also (i think thats how its called, lol). Not to say masculine means men, its just a title for the sterotypical behavior of men/women (usually rooted in our old culture, not in OUR culture, but in the MAJORITY of the cultures in the world) - and some women/men break the mold in our modern society, while some men have sterotypical feminine triggers that they find attractive - know men that want successful and socially dominanting women, and i know women that want a shy insecure but sexy man only.

 

I think the best bet is to target the person that finds your behavior attractive. Looks will always matter, that goes down to chemistry too (as in making their bodies react based on how you look alone- if you know what i mean)

 

Also, like it or not, we are a product of our upbringing and our environment. What we find attractive can stem from this. Not only that, but we ourselves do change with experience. I used to be a shy and insecure guy, now i can and usually am the opposite.

[radiohead20]

I completely disagree with you. Looks are subjective, but their are universal traits that a majority of women find attractive and would let other things slide for (intelligence, compatibility, etc). There are universal traits that a majority of women would find unnatractive on almost any guy (obesity).

 

So if I'm an obese man that wants to attract a skinny blonde girl I will just have to "keep trying until I find a skinny girl that finds obese men hot because looks are all subjective and there is some skinnny model that will eventually want to sleep with me out there somewhere"

[Sparklesong]

I took one of those online quizzes once and the end result was that I, me, my whole persona, will only appeal to about 6% of the male population. And I'm okay with that. Quality over quantity any day!

 

People in the minority need love, too

[shes2smart]

I completely disagree with you. Looks are subjective, but their are universal traits that a majority of women find attractive and would let other things slide for (intelligence, compatibility, etc). There are universal traits that a majority of women would find unnatractive on almost any guy (obesity).

 

So if I'm an obese man that wants to attract a skinny blonde girl I will just have to "keep trying until I find a skinny girl that finds obese men hot because looks are all subjective and there is some skinnny model that will eventually want to sleep with me out there somewhere"

 

Believe whatever you'd like to believe. That's the great thing about our lives. No one else gets a say in what we create for ourselves.

 

But if you don't like what you create, don't blame anyone but yourself.

[Kendahke]

OP--as long as you think you're entitled to a relationship with whomever you choose and that woman has no say in who she wants to be with, you're going to be alone for a really, really long time.

[radiohead20]

The key thing for me was to always focus on my positive traits, and eliminate what women find unattractive - this isnt game, because ususally what women find unattractive is unhealthy for men anyway.

 

 

I think the best bet is to target the person that finds your behavior attractive. Looks will always matter, that goes down to chemistry too (as in making their bodies react based on how you look alone- if you know what i mean)

 

 

this is a good strategy, and is something I have been trying to focused on. I have realized that, either I am focusing on the wrong things or have not developed enough in these primary areas of attraction.

 

Problem I feel like is:

 

The kind of women that likes my behavior and appearance I would say is very rare. I'm naturally introverted, don't like small talk, and prefer to sit back and listen and observe than be the "social salesperson" or the center of attention. Im not SHY, I am just introverted. I have no problem holding a conversation with someone. I don't dress flashy because I think spending too much time on clothes is a waste of time. As a result, I believe I appear a little "stale" and "lukewarm" to women at first glance. My physical appearance is something I have tried to change the past 5-6 years but it is not working and I am not looking more attractive. I look very young for my age and cannot grow facial hair. I started weight lifting to add some sort of masculinity to my physical appearance but after getting to 175 pounds 10-12% bodyfat people tell me that although I have a nice body, that my face is still too youthful looking and doesn't make up for it (and I cannot grow facial hair).

 

honestly, if I had my exact same personality and character but looked like a more masculine person physically I would not be having any of these issues.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Each woman is different. So, they all like different things.

 

We're people too and people like to be with partners they are attracted to.

 

As for shyness, depends on what kind of shy he is. I've found shyness very attractive on men and very unappealing. It depends on how he wears it.

[Thorshammer]

As far as being introverted, that is me also. I would say an introverted men shines more when you get older, younger people are in their party phase- and anyone that stays home or doesnt socialize is "old and boring" - to some of these people. I have dated extroverted women, and i held on because i worked on my sense of humor, focusing on my creatitivity, etc. to make what she sees as "down time" as more of a good time. Plus, you have to share in what she likes, i would drag myself to lounges for her - i didnt like it, but you have to switch things up for them. You have to keep in mind that a cool, funny, quirky (if thats her thing), creative person will shine anywhere, in a club or in the bedroom - you just have to force yourself to play inside of what she finds fun for the sake of diversity - just like she will stay home with you on a friday because thats where you want to be.

 

Though, it would be easier to date an introvert.

 

As for looks, i have never heard of a babyface holding a guy back. My last gf wanted a guy completely hairless, same with the last girl i was dating. Yes, some women like older looking guys, usually because they feel they are a stronger, wiser man (in my experience, this is usually they very feminine type of woman)- but you can try to further show off these traits in other ways- you wont look so young in a suit for example, but you will while wearing a baseball cap and sneakers.

 

I know many women that like babyfaces tho, i know many women that like men that look like females too.

[radiohead20]

.

I know many women that like babyfaces tho, i know many women that like men that look like females too.

 

 

Where do you find these women because looks like I am searching in the wrong places?

 

in all seriousness though, I do find it odd that you know women that really like babyfaces (and I mean real babyfaces, not just babyface with a nice jaw and a five o clock shadow...that's not a babyface). When I am out and I See girls going after guys, it is almost always a guy with a very masculine looking appearance, and never a more feminine looking guy.

 

a few women I personally asked because they were known to be blunt said the fact that I have an extreme baby face may be holding back my chances with women. I guess this is where I got my belief from, if that makes any sense. And that is the reason why I started lifting. I felt like that was the only thing I could do and the only chance I had. I still believe it to this day.

[KyleS]

Everyone's different. Shy people might have not found someone, not because all women hate shy people, but because they are... too shy to have initiated anything or taken anything that far yet.

[Thorshammer]

They just told me, pretty much random women. I wouldnt put stock in what anyone says about whats holding you back. I have dated women taller than me - and everyone and their mother thinks a taller women would never date a shorter guy.

[Mb1212]

How old are you? Im 21 and have had a few guy friends with baby faces but it never got in their way of attracting girls! I'm a girl but I still have a baby face and sometimes people think I'm still in highschool LOL so embarrassing but I don't think that's effected guys bring attracted to me.

[BritterSweet]

Of course you would get "contradictions." If you ask a thousand women, "What attracts you?" you will get a thousand answers.