Just broke it off... hurting

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey everyone,

 

Two days ago I broke it off with my girlfriend of 2.5 years (minus her breaking up with me last summer). It was so difficult.

 

To be honest, I've never been in this situation as the dumper before... Having been in a dumpee situation several times before, I feel like the dumper position might even be more difficult for me. Not only do I feel the guilt of causing someone I love and care about pain, but there's also the break-up pain that comes naturally after a LT relationship, and the incessant second-guessing of my decision.

 

For some time, things had not been the best in our relationship (for me). I had brought up my problems with her in the past several times. Of the problems, her issues with communication caused the most, and I had brought this up to her several times during talks that I instigated. After each and explaining to her why I valued communication in a relationship and explaining to her how she could improve, nothing appeared to have gotten better. It felt like it had fallen on deaf ears each time, and usually I felt she overreacted and would just call herself stupid and idiotic and the sort. Nothing of the sort got better. After a while I felt ignored and disrespected and as if I didn't really have a voice in the relationship. This is the same for a couple other main issues, most notably sexual compatibility (the sex was okay, but I suppose it was new for her, but a problem I felt was the amount of sex, not just how good it was). This, along with growing apart and not enough time together influenced my decision to break-up, which just hit me one day after me and her hung out and just sat there bored for a period of time, even though me and her had suggested various activities. I felt after that point that breaking up was the best option, and it kept me up thinking about it for a couple nights. It wasn't the first time I had felt that way through the second relationship; at times I'd feel this way and then wait it out and then things would get better but it was stressful.

 

One day (yesterday), she was texting me (and we didn't text much) but I didn't even want to talk to her. In essence, I was stressed about her not being able to fight/communicate effectively, I wasn't getting the sexual intimacy that I wanted and felt like we had different sex-drives, on top of me just in general feeling like we had a stagnant, boring relationship (a shadow of its former self). At that point of not knowing what to say I strongly and logically felt that I should break it off with her. We met at a neutral place and I explained to her honestly what I felt and why I was breaking up with her. Mainly, I valued communication and I felt incompatible in that aspect and I didn't want to end up feeling the same way down the road or worse in a communication-less marriage and end up divorcing with kids or something.

 

Now, it feels like I jumped out of purgatory (where everything was at least okay) and ended up in Hell. And I know it's Hell for her too.

 

I know how I felt and why I did what I did, but it sucks. I'm heading off to college soon and I just broke up with my high school sweetheart and she was my first in a lot of areas. I love and care about her very much. Not only that, but this second-guessing sucks. I know my judgment is now clouded with emotion, but now I can't help feeling that there is something I could've done to help the relationship survive. I didn't like having to instigate all the time and force her emotions out of her -- I wanted her to do that on her own -- but then I see a suggestion on this site about arranging weekly "talk-dates" where we could've talked about what the other did that week that we did/didn't like, etc in a more comfortable fashion, making I easier for her. It would allow for better communication. Why the hell didn't I think of that? It's killing me. Although that wasn't the only reason why I broke it off, my feelings did die down -- but now they feel back and stronger due to feeling this loss.

 

As for the sex thing, it wasn't that bad honestly, maybe I exaggerated, but even that falls back to communication issues which again, now I feel could've been solved.

 

I can't help but feel that now I've made a mistake. I just hope I haven't jumped the gun. I am going off to college to live (but it's a close university 25 mins away and I'd come home on the weekends) and she's staying home for a community college, so I think it could've worked. I hate myself for causing this pain for the both of us, but I know it's only been a day since I broke it off and we agreed to space for several days until she can get my stuff back, and then it follows that there will probably be more space after that.

 

Last summer, when she broke up with me, I pursued her a little and then put the ball in her court after improving in the areas that she stated and working out more, etc. and we ended up back together. I asked for space, and I know she's hurting and felt shocked by the break-up, but I plan on carrying out this initial space to get more clarity in making my decision.

 

Any advice, experiences, and etc. are welcomed and appreciated. I'm so lost and confused right now

[Lambert]

I think you realize it's a roller coaster, a painful, second guessing, what if, could've, would've, should've roller coaster.

 

You are dealing with a loss and it hurts. I think the best thing to do is just stay your course. Time will show what is meant to be. I hate to sound cliche but you're so young and have so much ahead of you... You just can't know what the future holds.

 

There were real reasons you ended it and you are going off to school where you will have more opportunities to meet more people than any other time in life. So I think tis best to accept that break ups suck whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. But there is a lot of life to live still... The world is full of people, places and opportunities.

 

Lastly, I think it's better to end an overall "ok" relationship for the reasons you gave-- needs not being met. You love her and did right by her. It's not like you went off to school and met another girl because frankly, whether you can see it now or not, you will. And you won't always want to come home on the weekends. You will want to be a part of the life there.

 

Ride it out.... And see how you feel at Christmas break.... Take care.